Colleague accidentally b*tched about me to my face

[takemehome3]

When I first started I had training with a particular colleague who I am now well acquainted with. I remember it clearly as there were only 5 of us.

My colleague did not remember that I was in her training group and she was discussing her training. She said her group was not a good group and whenever the instructor asked for a volunteer she was the only one to do it, the rest of us apparently just stood there awkwardly.

I feel really embarrassed. I hadn't thought that it came across that way at all. My colleague is very confident and so I think naturally she jumped forward at every opportunity to assist during the training whilst the rest of us were perhaps more hesitant. I also remember at the time my contact lenses were really irritating my eyes and and I was just feeling a bit flustered and distracted because of that.

I'm so embarrassed that I came across like that.

I wouldn't describe that as bitching.
Was she the onlybone to voulnteer? Is she lying, misremembering, or misrepresenting, or is what she said factual?
If it wasn't the case, what did you say when she said it?

@Scarby9

I wouldn't describe that as bitching. Was she the onlybone to voulnteer? Is she lying, misremembering, or misrepresenting, or is what she said factual? If it wasn't the case, what did you say when she said it?

You're right, it's not really bitching but I didn't know how else to condense the situation for the title.

I remember it more that she was very confident and enthusiastic and so became the default one to volunteer. She would respond quickly and enthusiastically before we really had much of a chance. I do remember feeling quite awkward though as it was my first day and I was quite nervous. To be honest, I am quite a hesitant person. I prefer to get a feel of things before I jump in so perhaps I relied on her confidence and readiness to volunteer too much and should have tried to jump straight in too.

I just nodded along and didn't admit that I was in that training session with her lol.

It’s sounds more like she’s bigging herself up.

I agree that's not her being "bitchy". And it sounds like she had a point - you didn't participate, and you didn't speak up in this conversation either.

Are you annoyed because she's overly keen, or annoyed at yourself for not being more like her?

I don’t think she was bitching, just talking about her experience.

It’s exhausting when you’re the only one to volunteer for everything and people often use the “you never gave me chance” card when they never had any intention of doing so in the first place.

@emilyfrost

I don’t think she was bitching, just talking about her experience.

It’s exhausting when you’re the only one to volunteer for everything and people often use the “you never gave me chance” card when they never had any intention of doing so in the first place.

I agree with this. Don’t take it personally.

I think it definitely struck a nerve with me and made me see things in a different light.

I guess I feel embarrassed that my behaviour came across that way. I do think I can be quite avoidant with tasks that take me out of my comfort zone (in this case doing things for the first time in front of my new manager and new colleagues). I wish I was as confident as her and could just be proactive and engaged without holding back and hoping someone else will volunteer first.

I agree it sounds like she is bigging herself up. I work with someone like this, all mouth and no substance and I can't explain how annoying it is.

I am the enthusiastic and over confident one in this situation. In fact, I'm not, I am inwardly quaking, but I've been to plenty of these events where a bunch of people stand around anxiously waiting for someone to go first. Then, when they do, they're described as you've done in a negative way.

This wasn't a social event, it was work. There was presumably a valid point to it, and the participants should have all at least attempted to visibly crack on.

She's now actually doing you another favour in highlighting the opportunity you lost. Next time, steel yourself and jump in. Really, what is the worst that can happen.

I think you’re giving this too much head space. Why does it matter either that she noticed that the rest of the group was tired, or that she has commented on it since? It was just a throwaway remark, no need to dwell on it.

Quiet, not tired. I’m tired.

She just sounds like the kind of person who flexes the truth to make herself seem the best. She'll probably do very well. I wouldn't worry about it as it's not personal, but if you can get on her good side you might be able to take advantage of her self aggrandizing skills by riding her coat tails a bit.

But by Op's own admission she was hesitant, flustered and quiet. There isn't anything necessarily wrong with that, but it does mean other people need to fill the void to get the job done. This was an important event, it was necessary to get stuck in.

This wasn't school it was work. If more people realised the distinction between professional behaviour and branding those who demonstrate it as strident they'd see it's not being done with the intent of being bitchy.

You could have turned that back on her and said "Oh, I don't quite remember it like that. Weren't you the one who never gave anyone else an opportunity to volunteer as you were always the first to do it? Remember, I was on that same training course too." and see what she would say to that.
There are two view points in this situation - hers and yours.
She saw it that as no one else volunteered on the training course, she stepped up You saw it as she was essentially the trainers go-to person on the day and the trainer didn't call on anyone else to actively participate in the activities, and always had her hand up first as a result.
Neither are wrong but you have to stand up for yourself, even after time as passed like this.

You could have turned that back on her and said "Oh, I don't quite remember it like that. Weren't you the one who never gave anyone else an opportunity to volunteer as you were always the first to do it? Remember, I was on that same training course too." and see what she would say to that.

@LookItsMeAgain That isn’t standing up for yourself, that’s just being exceptionally rude.

I bet you were all glad she acted at the time and saved you the effort.
Now you judge her for it, because you feel bad about yourself.
It was not her place to give you a chance to volunteer and she did not make you feel like anything - your feelings are your own.

I didn't mean to describe her behaviour in a negative way, and reading my posts I don't think I did? I was grateful she was there and really appreciated her being there.

We were having a group conversation talking about funny work stories and she gave that particular example. I found myself feeling quite upset as I knew she was talking about me inadvertently without realising. My hesitancy and shyness coming across as just standing around "like a lemon". I can definitely see how that interpretation can occur. :(

I guess there's a reason it's playing on my mind so much to the extent that I made a thread about it and it's because I think her description has struck a chord. I guess I was standing around waiting (hoping!) someone else would jump in. It was quite an uncomfortable situation as it was my first day and I felt quite overwhelmed with everything.

I guess now I need to work out how I can be less hesitant and more like my colleague.

I found myself feeling quite upset as I knew she was talking about me

...and yet you have said that there were three other people in your training group. None of them volunteered either. Why do you think she was specifically talking about you?

I’ve been that person who’s had to volunteer to do everything because everyone else sort of hid and it’s actually quite stressful because you’re propping up the group and the person who’s training - you’re keeping the whole thing going! I know I got less out of the training because no one else was contributing.
Even in an interview once we did a group exercise in 2 teams and were invited to try out each other’s games at the end and I was the only one to stand up and have a go! I had pretty bad anxiety at that time and even I knew it was important to push myself.
I think that even though you were hurt by it it’s a good learning experience, try and push yourself to be more involved in future, it gets easier the more you do it.

I would take this as favour in disguise!
Next time put yourself out there (but don’t bitch about those that didn’t !)

In terms of speaking negatively, you said she "bitched" about you and came here to complain about her, when actually she just accidentally triggered some insecurity.

Definitely worth working on your own confidence - and as part of that, if someone makes you feel bad in future, ask yourself if they're being mean or if they've just triggered a bad feeling?

It's painful to be the trainer and be stuck with a group that won't engage. There will thankfully often be one person that pushes themselves to volunteer and then afterwards gets stuck in the role, sometimes others will also start participating.

I don't think it's confidence that makes that first volunteer put themselves forward. It's recognising how uncomfortable the trainer and the rest of the group are and wanting to change that.

Nothing has changed.
You both remember that she carried the rest of the group.
You're still hanging back and making excuses for yourself.

Think of it as being a useful example of hearing another perspective you wouldn’t usually.

You didn’t want to participate, assumed she was confident and happy to do it so you were happy to leave her to it.
She actually felt frustrated and obliged to volunteer for everything as no one else seemed prepared to share the load.

Consider what the training would have been like if she wasn’t there - would you have actually volunteered or would everyone have stared at the ground while the trainer felt increasingly awkward?

Once your colleague had volunteered once, it kind of became her responsibility, didn’t it? Maybe in a similar situation in future you could ask the volunteerer if they are happy to continue or if they’d like you to do the next one.

@takemehome3

I didn't mean to describe her behaviour in a negative way, and reading my posts I don't think I did? I was grateful she was there and really appreciated her being there.

We were having a group conversation talking about funny work stories and she gave that particular example. I found myself feeling quite upset as I knew she was talking about me inadvertently without realising. My hesitancy and shyness coming across as just standing around "like a lemon". I can definitely see how that interpretation can occur. :(

I guess there's a reason it's playing on my mind so much to the extent that I made a thread about it and it's because I think her description has struck a chord. I guess I was standing around waiting (hoping!) someone else would jump in. It was quite an uncomfortable situation as it was my first day and I felt quite overwhelmed with everything.

I guess now I need to work out how I can be less hesitant and more like my colleague.

OP, I think you sound very self aware. Don't try to be more like your colleague though, just try to be more confident in your own abilities.

Hard, I know! But this way, it is a true feeling to you, that will last. Rather than feeling like you can't be yourself.