Colleague accidentally b*tched about me to my face

[takemehome3]

When I first started I had training with a particular colleague who I am now well acquainted with. I remember it clearly as there were only 5 of us.

My colleague did not remember that I was in her training group and she was discussing her training. She said her group was not a good group and whenever the instructor asked for a volunteer she was the only one to do it, the rest of us apparently just stood there awkwardly.

I feel really embarrassed. I hadn't thought that it came across that way at all. My colleague is very confident and so I think naturally she jumped forward at every opportunity to assist during the training whilst the rest of us were perhaps more hesitant. I also remember at the time my contact lenses were really irritating my eyes and and I was just feeling a bit flustered and distracted because of that.

I'm so embarrassed that I came across like that.

Uch OP. This happened to me too. I started at a job with about 10 other new starts. A year or so later some of us were talking about our training and a colleague said "God do you remember that half-wit who asked about being paid for training. She looked like a right slapper. Wonder what happened to her?". IT WAS ME!!! I was really skint before I started that job and was wearing a ragtag outfit comprised of various borrowed items. My previous jobs had been in dodgy pubs where I never got paid for training. But I can't figure out how they didn't realise it was me.

Anyway, I find it really funny now. I'm sorry this interaction hurt your feelings. I now live my life trying to be the best I can and understanding that other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

I bet you were all glad she acted at the time and saved you the effort. Now you judge her for it, because you feel bad about yourself. It was not her place to give you a chance to volunteer and she did not make you feel like anything - your feelings are your own.

I agree with this. Your colleague actually did a good thing for the group by volunteering. She wasn't bitching and you admit that everyone else did stand there like a lemon.

You feel bad now because you don't want to be the kind of person who hangs back and lets other people carry the load. You want to be a confident person who can be involved easily. This whole situation is about your own feelings about yourself and not about your colleague.

It's hard when you have anxiety and are nervous. I used to be basically a selective mute in social situations because I was so scared, but now I force myself to be involved, to speak up, to try to grease the wheels of social interaction a little instead of letting other people carry the load. You can work on this if you want to be a more confident person. There's a book called The Charisma Myth which helped me, and How to Win Friends and Influence People is another classic. After that it's just practice and continually forcing yourself out of your comfort zone. I promise you it gets easier.

Instead of feeling shame, try to think of this as a great opportunity to fix a problem you have. We are all here on earth to grow and learn after all. Good luck.

Thank you all. Again, I apologise for saying she "bitched" about me in the title, I just didn't know how to describe the situation in a condensed way. I'm not offended by what she said and I don't think it was mean-spirited, bitchy or inaccurate. I think it was a perfectly valid comment to make. I guess it has just been interesting for me to see the situation from a different perspective and see how my behaviour can be interpreted. It's been very enlightening.

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop being hesitant and avoidant due to anxiety and self-consciousness? I even notice it in conversations with colleagues, I will hold back and stay quiet unless I have something interesting to say. I'm trying my best to grow in confidence but it's really, really difficult. At work there are often little tasks the manager will come and ask the group for someone to do and I find that my default position is to hold back. They are simple tasks that I know how to do so I don't know why I avoid them. I have tried to go against my instinct and force myself to volunteer but most of the time I don't even realise I'm being avoidant/hesitant until afterwards when I reflect.

What I tend to do, as someone who isn't inclined to volunteer naturally is assess how many in the group are likely to volunteer. If say there's three, then I'll aim to volunteer about 1 time in 3.
When they ask, I'll box it quickly in my head as in "absolutely no way", "maybe", and "yes". If "yes", then I'll say quickly I'll do it. "No way" I stay quiet, and "maybe" I pause, and volunteer if no one else speaks up.

If I haven't volunteered for a few running, then I'll speak up quicker for a "maybe". If I've done a few then I'll stay quiet even with a "yes".

If there's someone volunteering each time quickly, then I might say "oh I was going to say I'd do that. I'll take the next one." Occasionally that bites you back in you end up with the one you really don't want, but it at least shows you are willing.

If no one else is volunteering, then, if I know the others well, then I might ask someone to do it with me. Sometimes that just gets the ball rolling.

It's much harder to do in a large group that you don't know well though. Then I suspect I stay quieter than I should.