How to do this (financially)

[Howmanysleepsnow]

DH says he’s leaving. I do agency work (currently 1 night a week as he won’t mind the dc for more).
Obviously I can’t work nights if he’s not here. Shifts in my profession are 7.30-8.30 or nights. I can’t do either without childcare and I know from when they were babies that childminders locally don’t work after 6pm/ before 8am.
A minimum wage job won’t pay the mortgage (800pcm) let alone anything else.
No family locally.
How does anyone else make this work? Obviously I can’t sign on for benefits unless I’m seeking work, but there’s none available that I’m qualified for (I’m a nurse- MH) in hours I have (potentially got) childcare for.

Look for what other jobs are available with more standard working hours that you could fit childcare around and find out what benefits you'd be entitled to

I think you can apply for benefits, not Jobseeker’s Allowance.

Hello OP,

First of all I’m sorry about your situation. I’m a nurse myself (adult field) . Not to seem condescending but are you sure you can’t find work or shifts that are not long days? With your qualifications you could get a job in the community, hospice, police station or prison where shorter shifts are more normal.

Have you considered home care? I have a friend who works for an agency called Thornbury and does home care with a private client which is 4 hours a day.

Also OP where are you located? In hospitals near me they have nearby nursery’s which open right before 7.

Could you negotiate custody with your ex so you can work whilst he has the DC?

Best of luck OP

Tell ‘D’H that he’ll have to have the children half the week so you can work. The financial responsibility for the children shouldn’t all be shouldered by you. If he’s only going to have them weekends then he needs to contribute enough to allow you to have child care during the day - this will mean changing your shifts but I don’t see how else you can do this.

Of course this may all be pie in the sky and he’ll give you the minimum he has to, meaning you have to give up your job and your children live with the bare minimum.

I’m sorry that sounds nasty but I’m so MAD at these men that do this! They couldn’t give a stuff about anyone but themselves.

If this isn’t the case I apologise. Actually I apologise anyway, not the place for me to rant

(I do think you should have a frank conversation outlining the above, and being clear you need to work for your own wellbeing as well as the money)

@unruly336 all services within an hours drive are for the same NHS trust and are long days. My agency work is an hour away.
Care homes locally seem to be 12.5 hour shifts (I’ve been searching the past hour). I’ll look at thornbury and see if they’re local.
None of my dc are nursery age. They’re 7,9,13 and 15 so the youngest 2 would need a childminder/ before and after school care. Eldest 2 would be ok but not overnight and not old enough to look after the younger 2 for hours regularly.

@JackieTheFart I don’t want to lose my dc 50% of the time though!
And even if I did, DH (XH?) wouldn’t stick to regular days for me to work around.

Can you speak to a nanny agency to see if there is anyone that they have on their books that would fit this role ? (I doubt it but it's worth asking).

I think you could advertise the vacancy privately - a student / retired person may gladly want some extra money for sleeping. Your children are old enough to not be trouble at night.

Also do a sweep of the child minded again - new people do come along and may be more interested.

You can claim Universal credit and with 5 children on the claim this will be a significant amount of money. You may be expected to look for hours earning 25x nmw per week but if you have just gone through a break up it's unlikely they would pressure you if you didn't make that requirement. You need to be earning enough to lift the benefit cap though ideally as you could be hit with that.
What is likely to happen about the mortgage ? Will your husband let you stay there?

Sorry I should have also mentioned that you will get help from Universal credit with childcare costs.

@Babyroobs I’d hope I kept the house. I don’t know.
I paid the deposit (10 year ago) and I used to contribute £600- £900 pcm more than him to bills, but since last year he’s paid £1600 to my £800 (I was unable to keep my job due to a change in hours to long days and no availability of childcare). The last few months I’ve paid £0-£400 as I’ve had less work (I could only take 1 shift a week due to childcare, several were cancelled at the last minute).

Now he’s saying he wants to keep the house and I “can move out and live somewhere shitty”.

Sounds like he is being a tosser! Can you go and get some legal advice?

Definitely get legal advice regarding the house. Also, do you think you would consider an Au Pair? They would live with you and do a couple of hours in the morning and then school pick up to when you get home? You generally pay a small amount and then free accommodation/food? I don't know how big your house is but maybe a few children could share a room so you could free up a room for this??

Get back I. Touch with all the childminders and explain your a nurse and ask if they can offer any flexibility in hours

Can you move back to family and would they help you?

If your married and the main carer at least half all assets are yours, possibly more. Personally I’d take the kids, move back in with family temporarily, get a new job close by, rent or buy somewhere local to family

@Howmanysleepsnow on Tuesday you need to get some legal advice on what he is saying.

As much as he thinks he should be able to, he can't just end the marriage and contribute nothing to you and the children.

Lots depend on your personal situation as to the split of marital assets.

He will need to contribute toward the children if they are not 50% custody of each parent.

Speak to agencies that are in your area regarding work. I am sure that there is a big demand for nurses with your type of expertise due to the pandemic

Firstly op despite pp advice - DO NOT MOVE OUT ,the house is yours and your children’s home. I’m also guessing they’re happily settled at school etc so if DH isn’t happy then he has to move out.

Financially I assume all the children are his so it’s not going to be entirely up to you to pay the mortgage, bills etc he will need to contribute to looking after his children.

Obviously get some legal advice asap, and it may well be that you need to give up your current job at least in the short term as looking after 4 children alone is no mean feet. You will be entitled to maintenance and benefits, DH is still going to have to support his children despite all his bravado.

You have a decent qualification so going forward you will be able to get a post to workaround your family life.

Most of all don’t panic - it will be ok.

Lots of GP surgeries are now employing their own mental health nurses.

If that’s something you’d fancy, it might be worth preparing a CV and cover letter and sending it to local practices. That would be normal working hours, and you can usually negotiate your start and finish times around childcare.

Can you get an au pair maybe? Or advertise for a babysitter on a local Facebook group and see if there are any qualified childcare who might be able to help

Thanks for the advice so far. GP surgeries is a good idea.
I can’t move back to my parents: I have 4dc, they have 1 bedroom spare and are elderly, plus my dad was recently diagnosed with cancer.
No room for an au pair, none of the bedrooms could take an extra bed.

I'm a MH nurse - have a look and other Trusts (like your local phys health trust) as there may be MH nurse jobs there.

Also look for non NHS roles - universities employ MH nurses for example.

I'm not sure of your grade, but you'd be paid at band 5 to train as a health visitor or school nurse, and then paid at band 6 when qualified and it would be a 9-5 job.

Keep looking though - it is hard to imagine there aren't any areas in your trust that offer 9-5 roles. What about joining the training department, or bed management? Are there IAPT roles, they are usually 9-5. Surely some community services are 9-5.

Also, contact areas that are understaffed and ask if they'd accept a flexible working arrangement. Remember that there's a nurse shortage and it is hard to fill roles, so they may consider it.

I did a similar job to this while at uni. I’d go and put the kids to bed, then chill out all evening, sleepover and then get them up for school in the morning so both parents could work nights.

Have a look at some profiles on childcare.co.uk I used to pick up all kinds of ad hoc childcare based jobs on there

The issue regarding the house is that it is jointly owned, so if he wants to sell and divide equity, then you could be left in the position of needing to buy him out, or buy another property which may not be feasible. If you sell and you have equity over 16k you will not be able to claim UC as you will have exceeded the savings threshold. You really need to see a solicitor as I think you could possible get a court order to enable you to stay in the property until the youngest child turns 18 or leaves education at which point it is sold and equity divided.

@Stompythe dinosaur even community nurses aren’t 9-5 here now. My previous flexible working was changed with 2 days notice and all leave cancelled because of understaffing: the trust’s solution, rather than try to keep staff, was to put all roles on long days to save on handover time. Bed management and training only advertise internally for secondments. The same trust provides MH nurses to local physical health trusts where needed.