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Original poster

Why am I the only pregnant friend she phased out

48 replies

Springflowers320 · 30/04/2021 21:50

Me & my bf had been best friends for over 10 years. We were there for each other through everything.
However everything changed when I announced my pregnancy 2 years ago,she started to back off from our friendship.
I totally understood she was having a difficult time with the news as she's struggling with infertility.
I was really careful not to really talk about my pregnancy with her as I didn't want to rub it in or upset her more.
I gave her the space she needed. Since ds was born she's seen him twice, now he's 2 years old.
What I don't understand is why I am the only pregnant friend she phased out. She's posts pictures of herself with other friends at baby showers, with their babies/toddlers, with her niece. She posts birthday messages & gets tagged in thank you messages for presents she's sent them on their birthdays etc but didn't even bother to send my ds a message until a few days after his birthday. No card no present or anything.
I'm struggling to understand why!

OP posts:
sar302 · 30/04/2021 22:21

Probably because you are her best friend.
You have more knowledge about everything going on, and that means she's more vulnerable around you than others, as she's spilled her feelings to you.

It's also easier to lash out at the people we are closer to, as we are more confident that they will still be there for us.

It's easier to maintain that we're "fine" with people who know us on a more superficial level.

I went through something similar last year. The friend has "come back", but the hurt on my side has changed the relationship (of nearly 20 yrs) probably forever.
I'm sorry, it's very painful.

mummysharkk · 30/04/2021 22:27

Maybe ask her?
Do you have much contact?

I went through similar when I was pregnant/ had my baby and I'd actually say leave things as they are- keep her at arms length. I didn't and was let down MASSIVELY when my baby was 6 months by this so called best friend. As in life changing, but I have her the benefit of the doubt and forgave her. Around a year later another massive let down- these things were choices and hurtful towards me and baby.

Thankfully baby wasn't old enough to realise anything and there is no way I was putting my baby on the line again as an older child knows/ remembers- it wasn't a risk I'd be taking a third time.

We are now no contact and she used to post pics on Facebook of her with loads of different kids 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄 (like I'd be bothered) I've since blocked her!

Maybe your friend deep down can't cope with you having a baby. Sadness/ jealousy or whatever.
I'd move on and enjoy your little one and leave this as something you may never know!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/04/2021 23:11

I'm afraid I'd have to ask her. Why its only my child she seems to have the issue with. I personally couldn't let it fester. Things always come out in the end anyway. She's either jealous of women with kids or she's not.

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Original poster
Springflowers320 · 01/05/2021 07:51

@mummusharkk no we don't have much contact, when I do message her, it can be weeks to months before she replies & even then the conversation will be the bare minimum

OP posts:
Original poster
Springflowers320 · 01/05/2021 07:53

@sar302 I'm not the only friend who knows about her fertility issues.

OP posts:
Kljnmw3459 · 01/05/2021 08:05

I went through similar with a friend of mine, we have a group of friends and we've been friends from childhood. She had infertility issues and she admitted that she struggled watching all her friends get pregnant and have babies. Very understandable. When she had a very tragic stillbirth she cut us off from her life because she was angry, hurt and sad at anyone who had children the same age or younger than her stillborn son. She did go on to have a new baby and is back in our lives now that her child is 3 years old. I don't know if I have any advise, you could ask her but be prepared not to be given an answer.

Original poster
Springflowers320 · 01/05/2021 08:27

@kljnmw3459 I'm really sorry to hear you went the same thing & I'm really sorry to about your friends tragic stillbirth, that's absolutely awful.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/05/2021 08:31

I mean this gently but it would indicate either it’s nothing to do with your pregnancy or child, it’s something else, or you were repeatedly insensitive and really hurt her, and didn’t realise.

Original poster
Springflowers320 · 01/05/2021 08:37

@Bluntness100 It was definitely to do withy pregnancy because this all started as soon as I announced my pregnancy to her. I definitely haven't been insensitive towards her. I didn't discuss my pregnancy with her as I didn't want to upset her more. The only time we discussed it was when I told her & she asked me how far along I was & then later on when she asked me if I knew the gender, that's it

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/05/2021 08:38

How did you announce it then?

TaraR2020 · 01/05/2021 08:57

Maybe she's jealous of you in other ways and your pregnancy was one thing too many for her to handle.

Or maybe she misinterpreted the space you gave her as thinking you were pushing her away?

Completely understandable you're so hurt, I agree that I think you should ask her.

pennylane83 · 01/05/2021 08:58

Maybe by you trying not to be insensitive towards her situation you inadvertently pushed her away because she felt that you not wanting to discuss any aspect of your pregnancy with her meant you didn't want her to be involved in this new chapter in your life.

CockneyCutie · 01/05/2021 09:04

Had this happen to me... was v friendly with a girl from school who moved in next-door-but-one to me. One day we were standing out in the sun chatting and I fainted in her front garden!
Ended up hospitalised for the weekend having various tests, and pregnancy (that me and DH suspected) was confirmed... from that day on, she never so much as looked at me, let alone spoke to me!!🤷‍♀️
I was only early 20s and completed puzzled... she told everyone that I had “done it on purpose” to upset her!!
People can be a bit strange at times...

ElderMillennial · 01/05/2021 09:10

I mean this gently but it would indicate either it’s nothing to do with your pregnancy or child, it’s something else, or you were repeatedly insensitive and really hurt her, and didn’t realise.

I also think this

My first baby was stillborn and then we were trying to have another baby for about a year and a half after that. I was devastated I had lost my baby and then also worried we wouldn't be able to have another child.

I found it hard hearing pregnancy announcements but I didn't actually stop being friends with anyone other than those who were massively insensitive or simply weren't there for me. I'm sure they would think I was just jealous because my baby died but I know that they showed me they weren't a real friend when I needed them and I'm still in touch with other friends with babies including one born weeks after my baby was stillborn.

BertieBotts · 01/05/2021 09:14

Maybe she had a miscarriage at the same time you were pregnant and she can't cope with the reminder of the child she could have had?

emilyjane29 · 01/05/2021 09:19

It doesn't sound like it's to do with your pregnancy at all, well not in the way you think it is.

She sounds happy around other kids, other friends with kids. So it does seem that it is in fact you, that she has the issue with, baby or not.

It may be the assumption that she's jealous of you, without actually having that as fact. If you're thinking it, I imagine you're giving off this vibe and she's picked it up and thought you know what I'm not having this and has distanced herself. Which is understandable.

You say you definitely weren't insensitive, but you have no idea because you've never actually talked to her about.

Instead of making excuses about her having problems with your pregnancy/baby, perhaps look at your own behaviour. My guess is that's the issue here.

Original poster
Springflowers320 · 01/05/2021 09:22

@Bluntness100 I told her face to face.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/05/2021 09:35

Op there is clearly something, but you just don’t know what it is. I also think this isn’t pregnancy related, I get you’re sure it is, but you don’t actually know, and she’s friends with other folks who are pregant and interacts with their kids, so it’s highly unlikely to be that,

Look just put it behind you. I know it hurts but if she doesn’t want to be your friend, then just move on.

JustJoinedRightNow · 01/05/2021 11:19

I agree with Bluntness. I know it hurts OP, but I think she’s giving pretty clear signals that she isn’t interested in keeping the friendship going. Sorry OP

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 01/05/2021 11:44

Maybe she's jealous of you in other ways and your pregnancy was one thing too many for her to handle.

I honestly think this is it if she’s acting ok with everyone else’s pregnancies. Maybe she thinks you always have everything you want, perhaps thinks you’re more attractive than her or things along those lines and now you also get the baby she desperately wants. Sounds like it was final straw stuff for her.

My best friend had a late miscarriage about 6 months after my DS was born so I knew to basically stop mentioning him all together at that point. I then fell pregnant again about 6 months later and I didn’t tell her until was about 22 weeks. I didn’t know how to tell her tbh and I remember agonising over how to best break it to her. She seemed ok with it thankfully but I don’t mention him or even really my toddler to her.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2021 11:46

There is absolutely nothing here to suggest envy. Something has clearly happened to cause her to end the friendship. The issue is the op simply doesn’t understand why.

baldafrique · 01/05/2021 11:55

Could you have a chat with her to see what's gone on? Its possible it isnt about your child (or just about your child). I agree with PP about perhaps a possible miscarriage with a baby with due date around time your son was born (maybe).

ElderMillennial · 01/05/2021 12:10

@Bluntness100

There is absolutely nothing here to suggest envy. Something has clearly happened to cause her to end the friendship. The issue is the op simply doesn’t understand why.
I agree.

Why do people jump to "she's probably jealous of you / me"?

If you think that then maybe you give off smug vibes.

Sparrowfeeder · 01/05/2021 12:17

Having fertility issues and want as little to do with all my friends who are pregnant or who have kids as possible. It’s too painful. The smug ones are the worst!

KinseyWinsey · 01/05/2021 12:18

I'd just sit back. Not contact her. Leave her be.

You've done your best.

It's rather hurtful but I think you'll never know why she's done this to you, especially when it's so pointed and obvious via social media.

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