Why am I the only pregnant friend she phased out

[Springflowers320]

Me & my bf had been best friends for over 10 years. We were there for each other through everything.
However everything changed when I announced my pregnancy 2 years ago,she started to back off from our friendship.
I totally understood she was having a difficult time with the news as she's struggling with infertility.
I was really careful not to really talk about my pregnancy with her as I didn't want to rub it in or upset her more.
I gave her the space she needed. Since ds was born she's seen him twice, now he's 2 years old.
What I don't understand is why I am the only pregnant friend she phased out. She's posts pictures of herself with other friends at baby showers, with their babies/toddlers, with her niece. She posts birthday messages & gets tagged in thank you messages for presents she's sent them on their birthdays etc but didn't even bother to send my ds a message until a few days after his birthday. No card no present or anything.
I'm struggling to understand why!

@ElderMillennial I havent once said I think she's jealous or envious of me.

I was meaning more other people who have suggested that. The fact is there isn't enough information for any of us to know. We can guess but that's all it is. It's interesting that many people go to jealous or envy.

You do say you think it is the difficulty with news of your pregnancy though when it could be anything especially if she's fine with other pregnant friends / friends with children.

Is it possible your husband upset her and you’re frosted out because if your association with him?

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

Maybe she's jealous of you in other ways and your pregnancy was one thing too many for her to handle.

I honestly think this is it if she’s acting ok with everyone else’s pregnancies. Maybe she thinks you always have everything you want, perhaps thinks you’re more attractive than her or things along those lines and now you also get the baby she desperately wants. Sounds like it was final straw stuff for her.

My best friend had a late miscarriage about 6 months after my DS was born so I knew to basically stop mentioning him all together at that point. I then fell pregnant again about 6 months later and I didn’t tell her until was about 22 weeks. I didn’t know how to tell her tbh and I remember agonising over how to best break it to her. She seemed ok with it thankfully but I don’t mention him or even really my toddler to her.

Sorry but this sounds so bizarre to me.

Why are you assuming it's envy, why couldn't it be that the OP just isn't very nice? Doesn't ask her any questions about her life? Hasn't been there for her friend? Just generally isn't being a good friend? Pregnancy/babies do not give you an automatic right be a bad friend, they just dont. You might have different responsibilities and priorities, and less time, but you need to make an effort and take an interest in ppl to keep a friendship going, that's just life.

These ppl who are so quick to assume others are jealous of them are 99% of the time just not nice ppl. And will be giving off this vibe completely to their friends, so it's no wonder they've backed off. So no, it's unlikely the friend is jealous, no matter the circumstances, it's more likely she just doesn't want to be a friend because of who you are and your personality, it's as simple and as plain as that.

Tbh, no matter infertility, if a friend waited 22 weeks to tell me she was pregnant, then I wouldn't class that as close friendship whatsoever. So no harm done if drifted apart.

Lots of women wait until the 20 week anomaly scan anyway before telling others...

Maybe your baby was due the day she had been due in the past but suffered a miscarriage and she therefore has negative associations with babies with birthdays at that specific time? Maybe it was the way you announced ( did you tell her privately first)?

I think you are assuming it’s your pregnancy and baby that is the reason she has cut you off where, from what you say, it looks likely there is more to it.

If it is due to your baby, maybe it’s just that she disagrees with your parenting style and that makes it more difficult to be around you. There are lots of friendships that end when one has a baby and the other doesn’t, and that’s without infertility thrown into the mix.

There is so much speculation here

The fact is OP, if you really want to know then you need to ask her, otherwise you need to let it go.

@emilyjane29 I agree with everything you said except I don't see the issue with waiting to tell someone you are pregnant. As Pp said, lots of people wait til the 20 week scan, and sometimes people have other reasons to wait

I don't think anyone can really answer here as it's all speculation. The only thing you can do is accept the friendship is no longer. And if that's the case you've not really got anything to lose by asking her why she seems to have pulled back from the friendship.

I agree that either you've got to just move on and accept you'll never know or you've got to ask her.....she still may not tell you but since you're not in each others' lives at the moment anyway you have nothing to lose by asking her.

Could have wrote this myself, exactly the same happened to me!!
It’s sad but I just accepted we weren’t as close or even friends anymore and stopped the reaching out from my side aswell.
Few comments from other people suggesting why but I just thought if she doesn’t want to be in mine or my babies life anymore then that’s her loss.
Took me awhile to get over it though.

I have to say when I was first pregnant, I had a very close friend who was struggling to conceive and I very carefully texted her so that she didn’t get a shock face to face, that she had to fake being happy for me. I said why I was texting her not telling her face to face and she has said since that she was profoundly grateful for my tact. She needed time to process yet another blow. It is kinder to give people distance. They can then fake it til they make it. Gather themselves.

She was always happy for me, but her feelings of sadness may have been bigger in the point of being told and it’s shit to have to plaster a smile on when you want to sob into a pillow and hate yourself for wanting to do the sobbing in the first place when you are happy for your friend at the same time.

We had a lot of fertility issues - both me and my DH - when I finally got pregnant after IVF, there were multiple abnormalities with the baby and I ended up having a termination for medical reasons at a very late stage.

Lots of my friends had babies over this period. This was always hard but sometimes it hit me much harder with some friends than others. I can't explain why at all, it was just how I felt. I have three SILs, I like all of them and they all have children. One of them I could just not think about without crying, the others were fine. I wish I could explain it but I can't.

Happy ending - I have two beautiful boys.

@MattyGroves Sorry for your loss, how heartbreaking. Lovely you now have two boys

I have been failing to conceive for 2 years now and my best friend merrily blurted to my face that she was pregnant after 2 months of trying, I had to pretend to react happily which was just awful. I then cried all the way home. I’m ashamed to say I’ve only managed to see her twice since (and not at all since she’s given birth). It’s too painful. @Porchie texting your friend was absolutely the right thing to do (in my opinion) and anyone who I know is trying to conceive now I gently ask them if they could let me know via text first so that I can mentally prepare myself for face to face. It’s so hard. I also can’t help feeling resentful of my friend for being so tactless (I know that’s ridiculous but being infertile is utterly crap).
OP if your friend still doesn’t have a child now then she’s probably still really struggling. As for seeing other people’s children, I’m not sure about that- maybe they don’t know her issues as well as you did. Maybe she’s not as close to them therefore it doesn’t hurt as much.

Shes jealous and doesn't want to see you happy. Just move on. You don't need friends like that. I would go no contact.

We suffered from unexplained infertility for 11 years and then had a late loss, pregnancy announcements around that time were very, very hard. Some hit harder than others for reasons I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe that is the case for your friend, your announcement hit harder and she felt like she had to withdraw to protect herself.

I agree with PPs. There is probably something about you having a baby that has hit harder. I imagine she is in great emotional pain. Either have a chat with her or just accept that things became too painful for her.

Is it possible that she got pregnant, and was due around the same time you were and it sadly ended in miscarriage.

That might be why its harder to be around you. It reminds her of something she lost.

I also think she has just gotten closer to some of these other women and/or feels she isn't as vulnerable with them..... basically from her perspective you are no longer best friends and it isn't necessarily about your pregnancy.

Maybe she is able to pop over to a baby shower and cry on the way home and with you she'd have to act OK for longer periods? I personally felt able to see my nephews and nieces but not friend's children when I was struggling. I can't really explain why. I suppose seeing family meant felt safer somehow.

Have you suggested meeting up and not mentioning your toddler much? I have done this with a friend with infertility and have had others do it for me following my miscarriage. Just met up and chatted about other aspects of our lives or did activities together etc. It really helped ease me back into things with them. All of this will only help if the issue is pregnancy related though I guess.

I have had to distance myself a bit from one of my oldest friends as found the pitiful way she would treat me unbearable. In the last 6 years when I've been dealing with fertility issues (surgeries for painful endometriosis, IVF, etc) and most recently pregnancy loss, she has had 4 kids. Unlike other old friends, I found it so hard to speak to her about the big things in our lives as she would look at me with such pity, rather than being a supportive friend and treating me on a level. When I would ask about the kids, she'd change the subject, or if I called round, she'd tell the children to leave me alone and "stop pestering her". It made me feel so awful. One time, I invited her over for an early brunch and she brought a little of gin as a gift offering. I felt so shit...at this point I hadn't drank in months and was recovering from surgery and all I could think "does she just see me as some childless pisshead?".
Earlier this year, I lost my baby at 38 weeks. Due to Covid, I haven't seen her but she has made the effort with a card and phone calls but again it's the pitying response and never has asked about my baby. I know she's a good person and means well but being around her makes me feel crap.

My sister in law did the same. I have nothing to with her now. Neither she, nor my brother have any contact.

They’ve even had their own child since and she still sees/and talks about her friends with babies.