Has anyone else had that "is this it" feeling?

[lostmam]

I'm just feeling lost. I'm 27 and have realised I'm not one of the 'young ones' anymore and part of me feels desperate to go back to when I was 17 and had all the options in front of me as this feeling is so crap.

In the past 24 months I've got married, had a baby and bought a house. On paper I have everything I could want. A loving kind husband. A beautiful baby. Our 'forever' home (I guess we could end up moving but it's 4 bed detached so technically could do us forever). A dog. We're comfortable financially, not rich but not short and can afford small luxuries and holidays etc.

So why do I just have this weird feeling of, "is this it?" Like it's all pointless. Like I've ticked off so much of life's checklist and what's the point, what's the point in anything?

It's really getting to me. I don't like my part time job, so I'm looking for another hoping this will change it. But then I think what's the point? Works just work, it's just to pay for life. What's the point in it.

Has anyone been through this? Is this just a normal life stage, part of growing up? I feel like I've only just realised where I am in life and how I'm not going to be a carefree 20 year old forever, in fact I'm already not anymore! It's like I didn't realise. This makes no sense but I just wanted to ask as I worry I'm losing my mind.

I think it’s your age. I’m a year older than you and the feeling hit me on my birthday. I have a career, decent home, children, husband etc but also felt a bit like I was missing out on something almost although I’m not sure what. I genuinely felt depressed on my birthday, felt like life was flashing before me and I wasn’t doing anything of significance.

I think it’s an awkward age, not quite 30 but miles away from your early 20s. Also think most people are unsure of themselves in their 20s and probably early 30s too.

It's age.
The existential stuff starts as soon as you clear a few life milestone but it ramps up with age.
Sad part is you don't get to realise it's all bollocks until you are too old to change tac k.

I'm single and have no children. I'm 33. In housing association flat with no outside space. No job due to disabilities.

I've felt like "is this it" for years. I'd do anything to be in your position.

I thought it might be. It's really making me miserable as I want to be happy and grateful and enjoy what I've got but I'm just questioning whether this is it and whether this is enough constantly. People in work talking about drama with neighbours etc and all I can think is how meaningless it all is and question what the point is.

And sorry to hear that @LudoBear , I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I hope things look up for you

Maybe you need to work out where your joy is? On paper my life is the same as yours - loving husband, baby, lovely house. But I adore my life. I love it when my husband comes home, when he kisses me, when we talk about serious stuff, when we laugh about rubbish. I love going for walks, I love cooking and eating nice food, I love reading, visiting parents/friends etc.

I don't like my job either. It's an okay job but I just don't like going to work at all! It puts money in the bank account - that's its purpose. I like some of the people I work with, so I find joy in chatting to them (even when wfh).

For me, life is about joy, family, friends, love, etc. I have those things so I do not feel it's pointless. You have to work out what you actually want/what you need to fulfil you. What is it that you want? New hobby? Travel? Dog?

Or is your problem a bit more existential, 'what's the meaning of life' type stuff?

@FeistySheep

Maybe you need to work out where your joy is? On paper my life is the same as yours - loving husband, baby, lovely house. But I adore my life. I love it when my husband comes home, when he kisses me, when we talk about serious stuff, when we laugh about rubbish. I love going for walks, I love cooking and eating nice food, I love reading, visiting parents/friends etc.

I don't like my job either. It's an okay job but I just don't like going to work at all! It puts money in the bank account - that's its purpose. I like some of the people I work with, so I find joy in chatting to them (even when wfh).

For me, life is about joy, family, friends, love, etc. I have those things so I do not feel it's pointless. You have to work out what you actually want/what you need to fulfil you. What is it that you want? New hobby? Travel? Dog?

Or is your problem a bit more existential, 'what's the meaning of life' type stuff?

I think it must be more existential. It's like even when I'm doing the things I enjoy I'm questioning what the actual point is. I used to enjoy hearing people's silly gossip about neighbour/work problems and now I just think "none of this matters" it's weird and I feel really miserable and pessimistic. I do need to find my joy again that's for sure.

Could you be depressed?

How old is your baby?

I’m actually single without kids but feel like I can relate to this.
Sometimes I just stop and think what even is the point of doing all of ‘this’ anymore (e.g., trying to find a better job, trying to improve my appearance, trying to find a partner etc) because I can’t help but think life is ultimately pointless and achieving society’s idea of ‘goals’ can’t guarantee happiness

@LunaNorth

Could you be depressed?

How old is your baby?

I'm not sure. I thought I might of been and went on anti depressants, then came off as we were going to ttc. I've had 3 counselling sessions but she just suggests mindfulness and yoga and doesn't seem to actually be getting to the root of anything so I don't know how much good it'll do.

You’ve settled down fairly young so it may be that you do actually need more challenge and being pushed out of your comfort zone. Not now with a small baby but maybe in the future when you are able. Would it help to think of all the things you’ve really wanted to do and maybe when it’s possible to start doing them? It may be a change of career, maybe new hobbies or adrenaline rush type experiences or travel, maybe voluntary type work that makes you feel like you’re making a difference. Only you can decide
Good luck! I think (as a much older person) that these things become clearer with age

I don't think this past year has helped with these feelings.

So you kinda have a double whammy. You've reached the things that are milestones (marriage, house, baby) as well as lockdowns etc.

I mist admit the past year I've often thought "really .... and......" as people have been talking about gossip etc. I've realised it just isn't important. Maybe because that's mostly all we've had to talk about for 13 months?

Do you have the opportunity now to join a gym/swimming or something? Exercise can make such a difference to your MH and really help if you've got a bit of depression.

Perhaps take a course in something?

And yes if you feel like your job is getting to you then change it.

I think it is about finding your meaning, so is it more a sense of community and social wellbeing for you or feeding your curiosity and taking your family along with you or something else?

Try a better counsellor for a start.

There is liberation in realising that yes, actually this IS it. Do with it what you will. It's a level up on the personal growth chart.

@asd99

I’m actually single without kids but feel like I can relate to this. Sometimes I just stop and think what even is the point of doing all of ‘this’ anymore (e.g., trying to find a better job, trying to improve my appearance, trying to find a partner etc) because I can’t help but think life is ultimately pointless and achieving society’s idea of ‘goals’ can’t guarantee happiness

Just this morning I had this realisation. Why am I trying to make myself prettier? Etc, I'm only getting older so will never look like the youth of today. Then I realised I didn't want to. I decided I just had to accept my wonky teeth and wobbly belly are the things that make me quirky and I no longer need to make myself look good for others. It was quite positive all in all but you can see why people become cynical the older they get.

I'm 32 and hit 4 big mile stones the year I turned 30. Teacher training, marriage, getting on the property ladder and a new baby. I worked so hard for all of it and then was left feeling, "what next?"
I now take each moment as it comes. Life just seems so fleeting and I don't want to spend it thinking I've done it all so I can't enjoy it. I can and I am :)

Ah I see what you mean. So existential stuff is a bit harder I guess.

Definitely worth getting a different counsellor, if that's an option for you. Yours doesn't sound very good! Also would maybe be worth talking to a GP about your feelings, and asking if they think it could be depression. Did they prescribe the anti-depressants in the first place? If so, there may be other options to help you even if you can't be on those specific meds due to ttc.

If it's the case that you're not depressed, but just 'ordinarily' fed up, then I suppose you could try thinking about different life outlooks/beliefs to see if any of them resonate with you? You mentioned mindfulness, but you didn't seem to get on with that approach. How about faith? A lot of people do come to faith because they are wondering what the point of life is.
I don't mean to try to sound as if I'm trying to recruit you to Christianity (or any faith) but to me it is the obvious answer to 'what's the meaning of life', so I can't in all conscience not mention it!

I'm 28 this year....I can feel the checklist thing. Getting married in October, probably start planning a baby. House purchased - admittedly we will need to move eventually.

Actually I somehow feel like I'm behind! Like there's some sort of deadline. But then, there's the well, what else is there after its all completed? Retirement?

I know marriage / house / kids aren't 'accomplishments' exactly but they do feel like milestones you have to pass, and the next one that comes to mind 'retirement' is so far away. Its like leaving school - what will you down now that your progress isn't measured by a grade?

Would making a bucket list help? Having a goal or target to aim to helps...not everyone wants a career path, so what else do you want out of life, now you've reached your milestones.

Do you want to own more houses - get a do-upper or build one? Do you want to go on cruise or safari. Do you want to start a business? Run a marathon? Run as a MP, run a club or PTA? Make your own milestones!

I'm 44. Nowhere near home ownership, career or marriage and felt "is this it?" years ago. Beat myself up over it all. But my newly diagnosed ADHD has a lot to do with this. Series of jobs where I've often had to run before pushed, so no career and not enough money to buy, plus always being a few degrees out of whack with the rest of the world meant I had hangups and consequently didn't meet my older OH until well into my 30s.

I think as well, some of the drudge of having a young family can be incredibly repetitive and dull and everything needs planning so it can be a quite hard part of life. I’m here to tell you that things change and move on all the time. I’m in my 40’s, kids independent, different friends and hobbies. Life is fun in new ways. I’m a completely different person to me as a new mum in mid twenties.

I think many people feel this at some point, but it has also been a terrible year for everyone. The usual distractions and hobbies aren't available. If it's any help Im probably more content now, in my late 50s than I've ever been. It possibly is an age thing but felt more acutely due to the Pandemic and the worries and difficulties people are facing.

You might need more meaning in your life, OP - philosophy, deep thinking, politics, fighting for a cause, art, culture ... whatever; just something that you care deeply about, and which has real meaning for you.

If you wanted a carefree life, why did you have a child at 26/27?

If you didn’t want to tick off a checklist cookie cutter life, then why have you done exactly that?

I’d be grateful for what you have. Take some time to appreciate your life. It sounds great.

I think the checklist is so deeply ingrained in us (especially women) from a young age, and it takes so much work and effort to get there, that many of us don’t actually stop to think (or get to know ourselves well enough to consider) whether it’s what we actually want, until after we’ve got there and are committed to it.

I did the whole school/ Uni/ professional career/ flat/ marriage/ house move/ baby/ career building/ bigger house...

I burned out in my early-30s, and during therapy I realised I didn’t actually want most of this, I’d just done what was expected of me, what I was told would be ‘a shame if you don’t live up to your potential’.

8 years later, I’ve stopped at one child, reduced my working hours and responsibilities (although still stuck in a job that’s not a good fit in terms of work intensity), kept the husband, moved again to a place closer to friends, and got back into horses (my passion) after 20 years out of the saddle. Last year I bought my own horse, and it’s been wonderful. DH says I’m the happiest he’s seen me in many years.

I would say don’t do anything drastic, as there will be parts of your life that you want to keep, but if you can get some one to one counselling/ life coaching sessions, it might help you to figure out what you want for yourself.

The thing that helped me most was thinking about what I loved before I was 11years old, ie before I started caring about what other people thought. I loved reading, writing, art and horses. I wasn’t doing any of those things, and it’s made such a difference to get back them, even if not all of them at once. And I still get to have my lovely DH and DS, and nice house.

Wishing you the best of luck, in planning the next stage of your life.

I’ve just gone back to work after my second DC and we won’t be having any more, we’ve bought a house that is perfect for us so unlikely to move for a long time and we’re married (did all this in the past 4 years) and now I’m a bit of a mixture of what’s next/is this my life now.
I’m very content in some ways and very happy with what I have but I’ve spent the last few years always woltong towards things like my career, getting married, having a baby and buying a house so now I’m not sure what I’m aiming for or if I need to stop working towards something all the time and just try to enjoy what I’ve got.
At the moment I’m just working on having a bit more to look forward to with being able to see people and give myself a bit of me back; I spend a lot of time doing what I’m supposed to be doing with parenting and work so little things like blasting my music loud in my car or hopefully in the next few weeks getting a bit tipsy with a friend in a pub will bring back a bit of me.

You've done all the exciting big stuff, now you're into the mundane daily grind of life. If you can find pleasure and contentment in the small stuff then you'll be just fine.

I hated my 20's, too much pressure, competition, the stress of weddings and baby's etc. As lovely as it all is I prefer peace and calm.

I do often think though that one day, I'll be lying on my death bed, chuckling to myself and thinking we'll that was a massive waste of time!!