Has anyone else had that "is this it" feeling?

[lostmam]

I'm just feeling lost. I'm 27 and have realised I'm not one of the 'young ones' anymore and part of me feels desperate to go back to when I was 17 and had all the options in front of me as this feeling is so crap.

In the past 24 months I've got married, had a baby and bought a house. On paper I have everything I could want. A loving kind husband. A beautiful baby. Our 'forever' home (I guess we could end up moving but it's 4 bed detached so technically could do us forever). A dog. We're comfortable financially, not rich but not short and can afford small luxuries and holidays etc.

So why do I just have this weird feeling of, "is this it?" Like it's all pointless. Like I've ticked off so much of life's checklist and what's the point, what's the point in anything?

It's really getting to me. I don't like my part time job, so I'm looking for another hoping this will change it. But then I think what's the point? Works just work, it's just to pay for life. What's the point in it.

Has anyone been through this? Is this just a normal life stage, part of growing up? I feel like I've only just realised where I am in life and how I'm not going to be a carefree 20 year old forever, in fact I'm already not anymore! It's like I didn't realise. This makes no sense but I just wanted to ask as I worry I'm losing my mind.

OP I could have written your post.

I'm the same age as you and thought it was just me that felt this but after speaking to friends I think everyone gets it, at least to some degree anyway.

I've got a degree, got a job title that I've been working towards for 7 ish years, I'm married, I have a house that is big enough for us to grow into, we can still afford to live decently and have holidays etc.

I think one thing that has exacerbated this feeling for me is having our freedom taken away over the past year.

Previously I worked so I could afford to travel and see the world and have new experiences and now that I haven't been able to do that for a year everything feels like a grind. Like it's all work and no play, which I know is the same for everyone the world over at the moment but i also know that doesn't invalidate my feelings.

I think, what's the point of carrying on working in the job that I thought I would love but don't actually enjoy very much if there's no escape from it and I can't go away anywhere?

I'm not sure if you feel the same but I feel trapped like I want to run away even though everything is perfect on paper, and I truly think a large part of it is being stuck at home for a year due to the pandemic.

There are some fundamental human needs and if we are missing any of them we start to have these kind of existential crises...

Are you missing any of these?

• Human connection and love. All humans, even massive introverts, are fundamentally social animals and without it we experience chronic loneliness

• Stability. We all seek a certain amount of stability in our day to day life, in the face of constant lack of stability we tend to become anxious

• Variety / novelty. Even though as humans we need a certain about of stability we also need variety and novelty. No matter how much we love our lives if we did the exact same thing every day without change we would eventually become unhappy with it.

• Growth. We need to feel that we are growing, learning and going through personal change. If we go without this for any length of time we feel stagnant.

• Meaning/purpose. We need to do things that we feel have some kind of meaning or purpose. That we are contributing to something bigger than ourselves.

To me it sounds like the last two or three could be lacking?

@fluffysocksgoodbookwine

I think the checklist is so deeply ingrained in us (especially women) from a young age, and it takes so much work and effort to get there, that many of us don’t actually stop to think (or get to know ourselves well enough to consider) whether it’s what we actually want, until after we’ve got there and are committed to it.

I did the whole school/ Uni/ professional career/ flat/ marriage/ house move/ baby/ career building/ bigger house...

I burned out in my early-30s, and during therapy I realised I didn’t actually want most of this, I’d just done what was expected of me, what I was told would be ‘a shame if you don’t live up to your potential’.

8 years later, I’ve stopped at one child, reduced my working hours and responsibilities (although still stuck in a job that’s not a good fit in terms of work intensity), kept the husband, moved again to a place closer to friends, and got back into horses (my passion) after 20 years out of the saddle. Last year I bought my own horse, and it’s been wonderful. DH says I’m the happiest he’s seen me in many years.

I would say don’t do anything drastic, as there will be parts of your life that you want to keep, but if you can get some one to one counselling/ life coaching sessions, it might help you to figure out what you want for yourself.

The thing that helped me most was thinking about what I loved before I was 11years old, ie before I started caring about what other people thought. I loved reading, writing, art and horses. I wasn’t doing any of those things, and it’s made such a difference to get back them, even if not all of them at once. And I still get to have my lovely DH and DS, and nice house.

Wishing you the best of luck, in planning the next stage of your life.

I also completely agree with all of this.

So many of us are completely out of touch with who we really are...perhaps now is a good time to do some work to find out?

What does success mean to you if you really thought about that?

Is there anything you've put in that idea of success that's coming from your family or society that you actually don't really believe deep down?

I wonder if this a generational thing with people having different expectations of life or that life is different to when I was young?

I’ve got almost thirty years on you op and have never felt ‘is this it?’ but rather looked forward to what comes next as rarely things stay the same and new opportunities and experiences always arise.

@wheresmymojo

There are some fundamental human needs and if we are missing any of them we start to have these kind of existential crises...

Are you missing any of these?

• Human connection and love. All humans, even massive introverts, are fundamentally social animals and without it we experience chronic loneliness

• Stability. We all seek a certain amount of stability in our day to day life, in the face of constant lack of stability we tend to become anxious

• Variety / novelty. Even though as humans we need a certain about of stability we also need variety and novelty. No matter how much we love our lives if we did the exact same thing every day without change we would eventually become unhappy with it.

• Growth. We need to feel that we are growing, learning and going through personal change. If we go without this for any length of time we feel stagnant.

• Meaning/purpose. We need to do things that we feel have some kind of meaning or purpose. That we are contributing to something bigger than ourselves.

To me it sounds like the last two or three could be lacking?

This is really insightful. I'm definitely missing the last 3. Thank you for sharing this.

@wanderedlonelyasacloud

OP I could have written your post.

I'm the same age as you and thought it was just me that felt this but after speaking to friends I think everyone gets it, at least to some degree anyway.

I've got a degree, got a job title that I've been working towards for 7 ish years, I'm married, I have a house that is big enough for us to grow into, we can still afford to live decently and have holidays etc.

I think one thing that has exacerbated this feeling for me is having our freedom taken away over the past year.

Previously I worked so I could afford to travel and see the world and have new experiences and now that I haven't been able to do that for a year everything feels like a grind. Like it's all work and no play, which I know is the same for everyone the world over at the moment but i also know that doesn't invalidate my feelings.

I think, what's the point of carrying on working in the job that I thought I would love but don't actually enjoy very much if there's no escape from it and I can't go away anywhere?

I'm not sure if you feel the same but I feel trapped like I want to run away even though everything is perfect on paper, and I truly think a large part of it is being stuck at home for a year due to the pandemic.

Your last paragraph sums it up perfectly. I fantasise about running away from everything I should be cherishing and starting fresh and get envious of 17/18 year olds and think god I'd love to be back there with so many prospects and choices ahead of me. Thanks for sharing this, you're not alone and it's nice to know I'm not either.

@fluffysocksgoodbookwine

I think the checklist is so deeply ingrained in us (especially women) from a young age, and it takes so much work and effort to get there, that many of us don’t actually stop to think (or get to know ourselves well enough to consider) whether it’s what we actually want, until after we’ve got there and are committed to it.

I did the whole school/ Uni/ professional career/ flat/ marriage/ house move/ baby/ career building/ bigger house...

I burned out in my early-30s, and during therapy I realised I didn’t actually want most of this, I’d just done what was expected of me, what I was told would be ‘a shame if you don’t live up to your potential’.

8 years later, I’ve stopped at one child, reduced my working hours and responsibilities (although still stuck in a job that’s not a good fit in terms of work intensity), kept the husband, moved again to a place closer to friends, and got back into horses (my passion) after 20 years out of the saddle. Last year I bought my own horse, and it’s been wonderful. DH says I’m the happiest he’s seen me in many years.

I would say don’t do anything drastic, as there will be parts of your life that you want to keep, but if you can get some one to one counselling/ life coaching sessions, it might help you to figure out what you want for yourself.

The thing that helped me most was thinking about what I loved before I was 11years old, ie before I started caring about what other people thought. I loved reading, writing, art and horses. I wasn’t doing any of those things, and it’s made such a difference to get back them, even if not all of them at once. And I still get to have my lovely DH and DS, and nice house.

Wishing you the best of luck, in planning the next stage of your life.

I feel like I've never really had any hobbies! I did like to read or write so I should start that up again. I feel like I don't know who I am at all really. I feel like I'm still the same lost girl I was at 18 but now so much deeper in life I can't step back and figure out what I want!

I definitely felt this in my twenties before kids and sometimes I still feel like it now in my forties.
The variety/novelty point on the list above is really what does it for me. I NEED to have some excitement in my life, something to look forward to. It doesn't need to be anything major - sometimes I just drive a different route home from work or go for a walk somewhere I've never been before. I actually think this is part of the reason why some people have affairs or dabble in drugs - they're craving something novel, different, exciting when the rest of their life is mundane.
Try to imagine it's the last month of your life - what would you do? Try and make a bucket list and then see what you can tick off. Try goal setting and challenge yourself - do a certain amount of exercise, read a certain amount of books, etc. Find a cause you believe in and become passionate about helping raise awareness. Learn a language or a musical instrument. Plan a trip.

I think as we navigate life stages we have moments of existential crisis. Then we move on. I’m struggling with the end of middle age, knowing old age is on the horizon. I’m finding it hard.

Previously I worked so I could afford to travel and see the world and have new experiences and now that I haven't been able to do that for a year everything feels like a grind. Like it's all work and no play, which I know is the same for everyone the world over at the moment but i also know that doesn't invalidate my feelings.

I resonate with this a lot. I’m 29, turn 30 this year. DH and I married and bought a house in 2019. At the end of 2019 I felt SO excited for the year ahead, but obviously since March 2020 it’s like someone has just pressed pause on life.

We normally travel a lot, so I definitely feel like I’ve just worked non-stop without a real ‘break’ from it.

I also recently started a new job after hating my old one. I thought it would ‘fix’ things but I still feel quite down.

I think with the big 3-0 on the horizon (or when you’ve come through a few big life stages) it makes you reevaluate and reassess where you’re at. I agree with PP that it might be worth trying something new, or reigniting an old passion like reading/writing etc

We bought a house at 21, got married at 22, had a baby at 25, moved to a bigger house at 29. Then I hated my job and life was literally just existing. However, I had a complete career change, started a degree at 30 and now doing teacher training at 39. My DD is 14 and very independent so we can go out for lunches etc without the faff and stuff that comes with transporting small people! Life is very much a journey so don't assume this is just 'it'. You never know what opportunity is around the corner.

Thanks all. Guess it's just age and current circumstances then. It's a horrible feeling its like I'm disconnected from my family and my life because I can't appreciate it fully.

Because that's what everyone is supposed to work towards but I guess the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy for everyone.

Completely agree with Hyperfish, 57 here, kids have left home, single, and all i do is go to work and then go home..
Every stage in life plateaus for a bit, at least youve still got plenty of time left to change things at some point...

So much wisdom on this thread. I nodded my way through a lot of it.

I had a massive existential crisis at 26, and actually life has been easier since I reached an acceptance that I was never going to be anything amazing in my career, but that being happy is more important than achieving arbitrary goals.

I also emigrated at 30-something, and I've been much happier since then. I never quite felt settled in the UK.

If it helps, I feel a bit disconnected and wondering 'Is this it?' and I'm further down the road than you. Just turned 40, 3 children (2 of them teens), house, big mortgage. I have decided to allow myself more time to do things I enjoy, less time fretting about where I ought to be in my career. I envy the carefree lives of younger, childfree friends as my choices are limited by the fact I have to put my family first. I spend too much time wondering if I did the right thing, settling down and having kids. The grass always seems greener on the other side. All I can suggest is enjoy the little things that happen at each different stage and don't wish it away.

@lostmam

Thanks all. Guess it's just age and current circumstances then. It's a horrible feeling its like I'm disconnected from my family and my life because I can't appreciate it fully.

I don't think lockdown will have helped. No one feels like they have been living life to the full over the past 12 months. It's been very much a half life.