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Original poster

Partner wants an abortion.... please no judgement!

41 replies

Mjl90 · 25/04/2021 20:26

Hi everyone, I’ve just joined this page as I need to chat but don’t have anyone in my personal life I can talk to about this.
I recently found out I’m pregnant. I have two children aged 2 and 5 already. I came off the implant 6 weeks ago. My partner knew we weren’t protected, didn’t want to use a condom, and didn’t pull out. He’s saying that he does not want this child. He’s a very rational person and is thinking about the finances and logistics of a third child. Everything he says I agree with. We need my income to pay the bills and another child would set us back in some things we would like to achieve. Whilst the rational side of me agrees with him, I’m finding the whole situation very emotional and stressful. I’m also feeling a lot of anger towards my partner. Not once has he asked my opinion or how I’m feeling, he just says that he would regret this child, in the same way I may regret an abortion. He’s 100% against keeping the baby. I’m just at a loss and don’t know what to do. I’ve never seen this side of him before. He’s being so cold and callous about it all. So here I am, thinking that an abortion is for the best, but my heart hurts.
Sorry for the rambling, my mind isn’t focusing. Thank you for reading. I guess I’m just hoping for any advice, recommendations or encouragement in any form, as I’m not getting it at home 😔

Thank you x

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2021 20:31

He can’t have an abortion because he’s not pregnant. He knowing conceived with you by having unprotected sex with you.

When you came off the implant what did the two of you discuss about what would happen when you got pregnant? You’ve got two children so both of you knew how babies get made.

If he leaves you over this, are you willing and able to be a single parent to 3 children? If he doesn’t but resents you and the baby then what?

Don’t have an abortion if you don’t want one. But you have to think about the impact on yourself and your other two children of having the baby.

And don’t take any shit off your partner. He should have worn a condom or had a vasectomy. He knew he was likely to get you pregnant, it was almost inevitable, and abortion isn’t a contraceptive.

Canoenewbie · 25/04/2021 20:33

"Not once has he asked my opinion or how I’m feeling, he just says that he would regret this child, in the same way I may regret an abortion. He’s 100% against keeping the baby."

Shame that his choices ended the moment he chose not to use contraception then isn't it. Take some time to make your decision (it's got nothing to do with him now) and weigh it up with and without him in the picture.

InsanelyPregnantAndSore · 25/04/2021 20:34

It’s your choice OP so only do what you are comfortable with. He made his choice when he didn’t ‘want’ to wear a condom, he obviously knew he didn’t want another child and I find the fact he willing put you in this situation pretty disrespectful. You do not have unprotected sex with someone you love and are committed to if you’re not willing to face the repercussions.

DH and I are about to have baby number 2 and we are DONE! I get very unwell in pregnancy and we are both certain we don’t want any more. However, I have laid out to DH that personally I could never have an abortion other than for very severe medical reasons. (Just my personal feelings/ I’m pro choice) If there is an accidental baby at any stage then we will be having a third and that’s just how it is.

He’s accepting of that...but already planning a vasectomy

PurpleDaisies · 25/04/2021 20:35

This is your decision and yours alone. You should be able to access some impartial counselling through your gp or the BPAS to help you make the right choice for you.

www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

Original poster

Mjl90 · 25/04/2021 20:38

Thanks all. To answer some questions, I’ve been open to the idea of number three, which he knew. The only thing I would struggle with is finances, I could cope with three children alone. I just feel a bit lost atm

OP posts:

Ohnomoreno · 25/04/2021 20:39

My DH was similarly...errr...unkeen about the news of a third baby, despite also knowing how biology works. He did also say he'd regret having a third because he was too old, wanted to get on with his life, etc. and also didn't really quite get the idea of regretting what you never had. For him abortion seemed to just be getting rid of a mistake. I couldn't see it that way, told him we were keeping it, and he was fine after a few weeks. Can't say it's going to be the same for you obviously.

Percypigg · 25/04/2021 20:40

It's hard not to judge when you both weren't using contraception and seemingly didn't have a plan.

Honestly? I would take a few days to think about what you want (without seeing him). You need some headspace. I wouldn't have an abortion at someone else's demand.

Deep down, did you actually want another child? No condoms and him pulling out is a pregnancy waiting to happen. If you wanted another child then do that and let him walk away.

SeekingSomethin · 25/04/2021 21:20

It sucks when a man is all rational an matter of fact about something they really would never understand until it was their bodies that went through it. You are the one who will ensure the guilt, emotional and physical side effects, not him. So you make the decision x

SeekingSomethin · 25/04/2021 21:20

Sorry endure

IndecentCakes · 25/04/2021 21:42

"He can't have an abortion because he's not pregnant" - exactly.

Is he the father of the preschooler and toddler?

supersonicginandtonic · 25/04/2021 21:53

Honestly you both sound really immature. You've got two children already but continued to have sex with no contraception and unfortunately you are now pregnant. An abortion is not a form of contraception. If he was refusing to wear condoms you could have always said no to sex. If you do have an abortion, please use proper contraception 🙄

MintMatchmaker · 25/04/2021 22:01

So he knowingly had unprotected sex and then expects you to to have a termination rather than him undertaking the simple act of wearing a condom?

If you want a third child then have it. I wouldn’t be too considerate of the feelings of such a selfish man.

MouseholeCat · 25/04/2021 22:15

No judgment from me. Having been in a situation where we were unexpectedly pregnant and disagreed on the outcome, I would strongly suggest talking this through with a counselor- either just yourself, as a couple, or both.

This does boil down to a decision over your body, but that decision has repercussions whatever you decide to do. If it gets to the point where you need to make this decision alone, do. But it is possible that both of you can be involved in the choice and neither feel coerced.

From my own experience, I chose to have an abortion. It wasn't easy, but I also do not regret it and I was adamant in the moment that I would. What I regret most of all was that we found ourself in that situation and it was preventable- it put huge strain on both of us and on our relationship. We got through it though.

Also, I'm really sorry that you have received judgment on this post. Slip-ups happen, save your sanctimony and stop kicking people when they are down.

Dragongirl10 · 25/04/2021 22:19

so sorry you have this difficult decision, but surely you must have known this could happen?

No condom, no sex unless you both have discussed and agreed you want a baby.

Anyway too late now, you have to do what YOU can live with best. good luck

getyourfreakon · 25/04/2021 22:26

Come on OP, you ask for no judgement but both of you had your eyes open entering into this situation and you're dealing with the result. Responsibility has to be taken. You're both adults. Don't allow this to happen again at the very least.

TiptopJ · 25/04/2021 22:28

Do you think your relationship can survive if you have the termination or would you end up resenting him for it? I think the worst place to be would be the guilt of unwanted abortion and the breakdown of the relationship after anyway making it all for nothing really. If YOU think you can manage a 3rd child and still provide for your existing children then do what you want, live your life for you and your children

getyourfreakon · 25/04/2021 22:29

To a PP, there's sanctimony and bloody well being responsible. It wasn't a slip up. Don't enable something that actively could have been prevented.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/04/2021 22:30

People have opinions so I damn well will judge, not you but him. He didn't want a baby he shouldn't have dipped his wick. I bet he wasn't worrying about finances at ejaculation was he. How dare he expect you to go through something so traumatic. Mind you all that isn't my opinion its a fact.

Carbara · 25/04/2021 22:40

Your boyfriend deliberately impregnated you and is now making demands on you. Fuck that. He’s irrelevant, make your future life choices without taking this fucking idiot into consideration, obviously you wouldn’t want to continue to be with him, so do you want to be a single parent to three people, or abort and be a single parent to two? Good luck.

Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 01:21

This is really up to you.

Though your husband is equally responsible for your pregnancy I can't blame him for not wanting another child. Do you really want a baby?

You both knew there was the possibility of you becoming pregnant, there are plenty of ways of avoiding pregnancy, so in future please do some thorough research on contraception.

LastRoloIsMine · 26/04/2021 01:40

Its your choice. It has to be.

However I must ask why the hell you both stopped birth control and then didn't bother to replace it?
What the hell did you both think would happen?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2021 01:45

What on earth did he think was going to happen?

Have him give you some space. Then decide, all by yourself, what you want to do. Whether he's there or not.

And really, neither of you should be having sex without protection if you don't want more children in future.

indiakulfi · 26/04/2021 01:53

He doesn't get a choice now, he had his chance to make a choice and his choice was to use no protection so he has to face the consequences of you making your choice.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 26/04/2021 02:02

When you had the implant removed, what did you and your partner agree about contraception?

MixedUpFiles · 26/04/2021 02:21

No contraception and vaginal sex is TTC.

If he has two children already this is not surprising information.

Op, only you can make this decision. Only you should make this decision.

I know that for me to consider an abortion when I was open to another, I would have to get permanent birth control from him in exchange. His vasectomy would need to be scheduled immediately if he wanted me to seriously consider ending a pregnancy as a stable adult who was possibly interested in having another child. I wouldn’t want any risk of this scenario playing out again.

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