Question for ASD parents about teens

[Queenofbeebers]

Does your child eat with you or prefer to eat alone?

Dd 16 now eats in her room and apart from school rarely leaves her room. She is high functioning.

I would like to understand if I am being unreasonable by asking her to eat downstairs at least during the week. She has said yes she will do this but doesn’t want to eat around other people.

Any opinions would be great. Thanks

My DS has very high functioning autism. He eats with us at dinner. It's not one of his (many) things. He talks utter shit, doesn't make eye contact and eats like the devil's going to steal his dinner but he's in the room. TBH, if it was one of his things I'd be going the same way as you on it - it's more important that he's happy than that he aligns to someone else's idea of "normal". However, there can be times it's handy to be able to do communal eating, so I think a reasonable compromise might be once a week.

Mine (13) eats with us but only because that's what's she's always done iyswim. I don't think it would occur to her that she could eat in her room because she never has.

It's getting harder and harder to get her out of her room for anything other than meals though.

I didn't worry about the communal thing as Dd did it until she was about 12.
I knew she could, in theory, she was just v uncomfortable with it.
That said, my way, and Dd aren't prescriptive, everyone's situation and child are different.
The other thing Dd would do is text me from her room, (we live in a small flat ffs!), asking me to make her noodles at around 9pm.
Sure, it drove me mad but I did it, and took them to her with a yoghurt, or fruit, a couple of biscuits etc.
She tells me now that she wanted a snack, but she needed to know I cared.
Of course I cared, but that was her way of getting me to prove it.
Weird, but true.

My two eat with us. I would be happy for them to eat alone if they preferred but food is not allowed upstairs, only at the table (or on lap during Friday chippy/Marvel night).

Two autistic teens here... both mainly eat in their rooms.. we push them socially in so many ways, school, football for DS and dancing for DD. They both do socialise with friends to and DD particularly has a great group of friends from dancing.

Home is were they can recharge and relax. So we don't push them on much tbh... and why fight about eating together?

I do make DS go out at least once a day even if it's just a bike ride around the block- he also has Adhd and can get very dysregulated if he doesn't move about enough!

Not sure what I would do if they didn't have friends and didn't socialise.. I think
I would them encourage once a week eating together.. it's important to have downtime but also interact.

Hope that helps a bit-it's always hard to get this stuff right!

My DS (19) is undiagnosed but almost certainly high functioning ASD (he won't acknowledge that but that's another discussion). He doesn't like just sitting at the table when it's me and him (lone parent) but it never occurred to me that this was a 'watching him eat' or 'communication' thing until now. He either eats in his room, or will eat while watching something on telly. I've always put this down to teenage behaviour rather than anything else (I'm still learning what his challenges are).

We have one with ASD who, if anxious, prefers to eat elsewhere. I also give two of my children separate breakfasts with me (easier than it sounds, one dresses then eats, another does the opposite) as before school is often a difficult transition.

However, if you are actually worried about her being reclusive, is there another way you can connect with her, without the pressure of food/the whole family etc. ?

I have specific TV shows that I watch with each child alone and that is our 'social' time instead of meal times.

@IHaveBrilloHair
The other thing Dd would do is text me from her room, (we live in a small flat ffs!), asking me to make her noodles at around 9pm.

Mine is texting me right now!!! I’m in the next room.

We all eat separately. When I was young we ate in front of the TV. DD eats in his room. DD eats at the table, I eat in bed.

I have sensory needs that mean I can't stand metal on ceramic or eating noises, so it suits me that ds eats upstairs.

We can all manage restaurants as there is gentle background noise. I do struggle if someone is really scrapey on a dish though.

We all manage to a point to eat with family. I struggle most.

I have found that texting ds is less demanding than shouting up to him. I don't get pissed off I can't hear. He does not get pissed off as much either.

I ring him up too.

@Queenofbeebers
What flavour noodles does she want?
You have to laugh, or you'd cry!

@BlackeyedSusan

I have found that texting ds is less demanding than shouting up to him. I don't get pissed off I can't hear. He does not get pissed off as much either.

I ring him up too.

Same here! They find messaging much easier..

My sons on the severe end of the spectrum and he eats at his computer table which is next to our dining table ,so he eats almost with us.

Pot noodle or ramen every damn time.

We insist DD is downstairs with us - eating or not. We tend put everything on the table and everyone helps themselves. Even if she has decided not to eat there is a plate for her incase she decides to pick at something, which is most meals. We have a no food upstairs rule - sit in the snug/dining room/ conservatory/anywhere downstairs if you choose to eat at any other time.

@Queenofbeebers
Here it had to be one packet of chicken, one packet of curry mixed together.
It's still her comfort food, that and miso soup.

I would like to ask all parents of ASD teens. Are your teens into anime/manga at all? Dd is really finding her people in those that are into Japanese/Asian culture/art/cosplay etc.

Ha, yes!
She's currently playing a game called Yakuza, recently bought a limited edition Pokemon denim jacket, is learning Japanese badly
She's brilliant with chopsticks though, I'll give her that

Yes, massively

Although after 6 years I think we may have leaked and moving on to her next subject which is philosophy. We do trips up to London, or we did pre Covid, for pens and go to three specific bookshops

Peaked even

@Queenofbeebers

I would like to ask all parents of ASD teens. Are your teens into anime/manga at all? Dd is really finding her people in those that are into Japanese/Asian culture/art/cosplay etc.

My ds with Asd (14) just thinks they are all depressed. 🙄. There are a group of girls in his class into the Anime thing but sounds like there are mh issues to.

Re meals . He does eat downstairs but we sit on the sofa so no eye contact required.

He does also sneak food upstairs which drives me crackers as he isn't denied food

@IHaveBrilloHair will ask her about that one. She loves Pokemon.

Yep, Pokemon fanatic here too.

Mine loves Pokemon and all things Japenese. She is also addicted to Splatoon on Nintendo switch and can play for hours. Loves cosplay....not found her tribe yet although she's 17 😥.

Five Go Mad, it is scary to think about their future, it was easier when they were younger but seeing her peers working, taking driving tests, travelling etc makes me feel so sad.