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Original poster

I miss my husband since my baby arrived

32 replies

Vanessa08 · 22/04/2021 10:51

Hi all,

I have a 4 weeks old baby who I love dearly but since he arrived I hardly spent any time with my husband and I miss him a lot. We have been together for 10 years (it took us 6 years to have our little miracle) so I am really used to spending time with him and find this new situation really tough. Thanks for your time

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 10:52

Are you not spending time together as a family? Where is he?

bunglebee · 22/04/2021 10:56

I can understand the feeling. When I had my firstborn (a mega Velcro baby who was also EBF) I felt like the only time DH and I talked were when we were in the car together and DS was asleep in the back.

A newborn is all consuming. It won't be this way forever or even for very long. I would just accept that in the first three months you'll essentially be ships in the night/a tag team. After that things generally get better - the baby starts to have a settled sleep pattern and sleep through the evening etc.

Going for walks together with baby in sling or pram can be a good way to have a talk.

Normandy144 · 22/04/2021 11:02

It is a really difficult time but it will improve. Having said that it is good you recognise this as it's all too easy for the baby to take all the focus and for you relationship to take a back seat. All I would say is make sure you're communicating about how you feel and take time to prioritise your relationship and make sure you do small things together e.g. walks, a quick coffee or drink in a pub garden on a sunny afternoon, eat dinner together etc. A baby is portable at this age so actually you can do a lot of things that are pretty easy just wheeling them along. I think the main thing though is to be honest with your husband and then work together to set time aside - I hate the phrase "date night" but I do think they're important.

Babyboomtastic · 22/04/2021 11:03

I'm a tad confused, obviously you get far less uninterrupted time, but at this age, you can surely spend lots of time together. We went out for dinner a lot, for picnics, played board games. Basically, continued socially as before but with a baby in a sling or pram...

Sleeping in shifts can make it feel Ike you don't see eachother much, if that's what you are doing. If you are bottle/combi feeding, he can take some night feeds and then you'd get enough sleep to get your evenings back.

user1493494961 · 22/04/2021 11:18

Where is he then?

bunglebee · 22/04/2021 11:19

at this age, you can surely spend lots of time together. We went out for dinner a lot, for picnics, played board games. Basically, continued socially as before but with a baby in a sling or pram...

Ha ha haaaaaa. My life at this age was: DH back at work, me going to bed as soon as he got home so I could snatch a few hours of sleep alone, and weekends constantly holding/juggling/feeding a wailing baby who only slept either on me or while in constant motion. I had nothing approaching the mental bandwidth for a board game and would have much preferred a few hours of solo sleep to a picnic. Thus why literally our only uninterrupted conversations were in motion on a walk or in the car.

FasterthanBolt · 22/04/2021 11:27

With the best will in the world, having children will change your relationship because someone else now becomes the centre of your worlds! It is hard at first but you will adapt, you are still in the first weeks of navigating parenthood, good luck!

Magnificentmug12 · 22/04/2021 11:29

Where is then? A newborn has lots of naps normally, why don’t you put the baby in the pram and go for a walk together?

Did he leave once you had the baby?

AnyFucker · 22/04/2021 11:30

Has he left the home ? I just don’t get this at all.

What has made you feel like this ? Has he said anything to you ?

Babyboomtastic · 22/04/2021 11:32

@bunglebee

Yoga ball!!
Gives the feeling of motion but actually means you are sat down!

Talking whilst in motion is still good though. I mean they are incapable of interrupting every 5 seconds, or running off, or throwing a tantrum because they want to pick up every single leaf and it's autumn.😂

You don't have to censor what you are talking about. If a film is on, it's one of your choosing, and you can basically watch anything. You've got more freedom in some ways (less in other ways perhaps).

TheVanguardSix · 22/04/2021 11:32

Do you actually miss him or miss being a couple? My friends who've had babies after years and years as a couple are the ones who've struggled (short-term) with adjusting to parenthood the most. And that is so understandable. It's been just you and your DH for so long. It's a big adjustment, having that first baby! It doesn't mean he/she isn't the most amazing miracle ever. It just means you have to get used to this total life shift. It's very normal to lose a bit of your identity as an individual and as a couple when you have a baby. The day comes- and not long from now- when truly, you won't be able to imagine life before the 3 of you.

It's hard because newborns/babies tend to disrupt those moments when you're just trying to have a bit of time together as a couple still. There's always a feed or a nappy change or a screaming demand for something that remains a mystery (hungry? tired? windy? colic? what is it???). Those early weeks and months can sometimes be a little tough and relentless. You and your DH are navigating new terrain, going from coupledom to being a family. It takes time. And there's a long of learning on the fly. Go easy on yourselves and trust that it will all fall into place. Flowers

bunglebee · 22/04/2021 11:35

Yoga ball!! Gives the feeling of motion but actually means you are sat down!

I know that now. But I didn't discover it until my firstborn was several months old Grin I used it all the time with my second - if he was ever unsettled I'd just stick him in the sling and then watch TV peacefully while bouncing on the ball.

I don't know why people are being so obtuse about this. Plenty of people have the experience of missing adult connection time with their spouse when they first have a baby, especially if their baby is very high maintenance, as my first was. My second was a lot more chilled and DH had extended SPL, so it was much less of a ships in the night experience.

Ithinkyoucan · 22/04/2021 11:38

That's quite positive really. Having children was the start of me realising that my H was not ' quirky' but a totally defective arsehole.

Babyboomtastic · 22/04/2021 11:38

Yes, they do like interrupting. They also like really really like preventing/interrupting opportunities to make siblings 😂

They also wait until you are about to do something (whatever that is) and then interrupt, whereas if you do nothing they sleep better!!

It was our anniversary recently. My youngest (2) has finally started actually sleeping (🎉) and has been in a toddler bed for around 6m. She has never fallen out, but to be sure, we keep a pillow for her to fall onto. After 6m, I removed this pillow on what happened to be our anniversary. She fell out of bed 😂. Yet another anniversary meal wrecked. THEY KNOW!!

Original poster
Vanessa08 · 22/04/2021 11:41

Thank you for all the reply this is amazing. my husband is at home but I take the night shifts then he deals with him in the morning when I sleep wa bit.then he works while I deal with him and in the evening he stays with him while I sleep a bit so we are working in shifts and I find it hard to adjust but hopefully as you guys said did it will get easier once the baby is more settled. The problem is that I can't manage to fall asleep during the day with my baby and even if I can, he is often unsettled or I need to do jobs

OP posts:
Heysiriyouknob · 22/04/2021 11:44

Are you I not looking after the baby together? And by that I mean if you are bf of an evening is he not sat with you watching something?

I've had 3 babies when they are that tiny it's a good opportunity to just be together when the baby is feeding or sleeping etc.

It's when they get older or you have an older one and a baby when it gets harder as you are both pulled in different directions.

Heysiriyouknob · 22/04/2021 11:44

Sorry -
Crossed posts with you

Babyboomtastic · 22/04/2021 11:46

@bunglebee

Well if nothing else positive comes from this, the OP now knows to try a yoga ball.

I'm fortunate in that lots of people told me this before my first was born. It might not work for everyone, but it's worth a go!

Also getting cordless earphones/buds means you can carry on watching something whilst bouncing, and not hearing crying full pelt will relax you and slow your heartbeat, which I found pulled them to sleep a lot quicker (I'd close my eyes and try to do some slow breathing etc, and often it would really help them).

There's time together basically, but it's not the same quality time as you've been used to. Even with a quiet baby in a sling, it's not quite the same. But it's not bad either.

HumunaHey · 22/04/2021 11:48

I know the feeling. Newborn days can be very demanding and me and my DH very much became a tag team. Things will get better though.

Do you have support so that someone can watch your baby for a little while when they're a bit older?

HumunaHey · 22/04/2021 11:50

@bunglebee

at this age, you can surely spend lots of time together. We went out for dinner a lot, for picnics, played board games. Basically, continued socially as before but with a baby in a sling or pram...

Ha ha haaaaaa. My life at this age was: DH back at work, me going to bed as soon as he got home so I could snatch a few hours of sleep alone, and weekends constantly holding/juggling/feeding a wailing baby who only slept either on me or while in constant motion. I had nothing approaching the mental bandwidth for a board game and would have much preferred a few hours of solo sleep to a picnic. Thus why literally our only uninterrupted conversations were in motion on a walk or in the car.

Same!

I wish I had the dreamy newborn experience some mothers had.

TheVolturi · 22/04/2021 12:02

All the people saying where is he 🙄
It's quite obvious what the op meant, having a baby is exhausting and suddenly there isn't just the two of you, it can be quite a shock!
Well, when you're not out having lovely picnics and carrying on life as normal 🙄 apparently most on this thread had easy babies that slept through, didn't have reflux/colic and weren't unputdownable!

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 12:04

How often does he wake during the night? Generally there’s not a lot of dealing with to be done other than feed and nappy change, entertain a bit. What does “dealing with him” entail?

bunglebee · 22/04/2021 12:05

And no, since people raise it, generally DH and I didn't "look after the baby together", because when he was generally trying to give me a break from our newborn's sheer relentlessness and need to be on me literally 24/7, so he often took the baby out altogether as listening to him wailing downstairs wasn't very relaxing for me.

Goatsgetmygoat · 22/04/2021 12:08

@Ithinkyoucan haha! Same for me

Babyboomtastic · 22/04/2021 12:10

Well, when you're not out having lovely picnics and carrying on life as normal 🙄 apparently most on this thread had easy babies that slept through, didn't have reflux/colic and weren't unputdownable!

Uh no...
My first slept through at 3. My second sometimes does at 2. My second got colic. Neither self settled for sleep or naps until the age of 3 (ie second still doesn't) and both babies needed contact naps a lot. So no, not magical unicorn babies, but you can still have a picnic during a contact nap, or go for a walk, or play a game.