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Original poster

Comfortable being an Introverted Family?

49 replies

Pemberleys · 18/04/2021 22:13

I'm an introvert as is DH, and I guess my DCs too. We've quite enjoyed the undemanding lack of social pressure of lockdown. But I also struggle with that nagging feeling of missing out.

I see people's social media posts of group trips out together with a squad of kids, BBQs, evening trips chasing sunsets and yes it all sounds exhausting and my kids would hate it BUT I also feel a bit left out.

I don't really know how to reconcile the comfort of our quiet life with that feeling my kids should have more of a social life, we should be inviting friends round for weekly BBQs and drinks, that somehow we are not 'making the most of it'.

Does anyone else feel the same? I find summer particularly hard when my Facebook is flooded with everyone's happy summer photos (I know, I know).

OP posts:

saraclara · 18/04/2021 22:22

Do you do things as a family?

We were a quite self-sufficient family, and apart from one group fo friends who we'd meet maybe two or three times a year, and my SIL and her family, we didn't do a lot of socialising as a family. We were happy being us.

Since my kids have been in their late teens, I've regretted it. And especially since my DH died when our girls were in their very early 20s. One of my girls (the more introverted) is quite anxious because she doesn't have a secure support system No close family friends and few relatives. If anything happened to me, apart from a couple of friends of her own, she'd feel very supported and alone.

I regret not building a bunch of close family friends. People who my DDs would have grown up having around, and who'd support them both if I wasn't here.

Chipsahoy · 18/04/2021 22:23

We really anti social as a family. We also don’t have much in the way of family close by so we don’t really see people. Lockdown was just normal life for us. We go out for walks together and also sport together. We are all easily overwhelmed by lots of people. Do what works for your family.

KindleRemote · 18/04/2021 22:28

I kind of feel the same OP.

I've enjoyed the lack of social pressures with lockdown. But I do kind of feel like I should do more now lockdown is easing.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

ssd · 18/04/2021 22:34

Im similar op

mealsonwheelz · 18/04/2021 22:42

Same with us. It exhausts me. I find people very tricky. But I know that is my issue and I need to try and make sure we are not isolated. My DH couldn't give a shit.

Boph · 18/04/2021 22:48

I have always envied families who socialise. I see friends who have people round for meals or have parties and big celebrations for milestone events. We have never done any of that. Anything we do is planned and instigated by me. DH would happily never speak to a sole besides me, doesn't in fact.

IdblowJonSnow · 18/04/2021 22:57

I suppose if you don't expose your kids to a bit more socially then they could miss out? Is there no one you'd enjoy hanging around with a bit? I don't think there's much point in ssocialising for the sake of it though.

Moonface123 · 18/04/2021 23:07

I think your post is actually quite refreshing.
Someone actually content with a simp!e life.
We all know Facebook is fake and shallow. I have zero interest in it so am thankfully spared all of that.
You carry on doing what your doing and don't feel pressurised. It's just social conditioning. We not all meant to follow the herd.
I love my quiet life and wouldn't change it for the world.

BigTallyWacker · 18/04/2021 23:12

We’re the same. In fact it’s been a huge weight off our shoulders not having invitations to things we don’t want to go to for a whole year. Dh would happily never see anyone bar me and dc ever again I think

Siepie · 18/04/2021 23:34

How old are your kids? Do they have a social life separate from the family, e.g. school and maybe extracurriculars?

My parents are very introverted and also have health issues that make socialising difficult, so we never socialised as a family.

I still made good friends at school, youth group and Guides, and got to experience all sorts of activities that my parents wouldn’t want to do. I’m still in contact with a couple of my old Guide leaders now, who led me from age 9-18. I’d say they have a similar role to me that family friends or aunts might to some people.

I still lean towards introverted over extroverted, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But I have the ‘people skills’ to deal with large groups which I don’t think I would if I’d spent all my childhood just with my immediate family.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 18/04/2021 23:36

I’m more introverted too. But I am so so grateful I made some good friends as I didn’t expect my DH to die in his 30s when our children were so small, and they’ve been a lifeline. Reach out a little maybe, within your own comfort zone?

Cattitudes · 19/04/2021 06:41

I am fairly introverted but enjoy spending time one to one with people, so we might have one family over. Lockdown has suited me perfectly! We have always had parties and play dates for the dc. They are mainly like us, happy to have a few bestfriends but not the centre of attention. Not looking forward so much to the need to have the house up to visitor standards.

If you want to expand your friendship group I would start small with the family of a friend of your dc and now is the perfect time to do it because with the lockdown you can only have one family so it won't seem strange that it is just you and them.

Frazzlefrazle · 19/04/2021 07:00

I know what you mean. When I had my youngest I made sure I reached out and made a massive friendship group, seven years on I sporadically message only 2 of those people still. It was such hard work I found it exhausting. The politics of who is only speaking who and the general bitchness was too much for me. I found I got dragged into it and I look back and think I would have been happier just my little bubble as it is now. All those bbq or beach days are fake, I guarantee on the car journey home they will bitch about the other person.

Also I have 3 children, one is extroverted so we make sure she goes to lots of after school activities and has a friend over to play occasionally. My middle is introverted and hates people over. My eldest is a mix, likes to socialise but needs down time.

Any way my point being it isn't as good as it seems, trust me!

HildegardeCrowe · 19/04/2021 07:07

Don’t worry OP, it was the same with us. DD is now 21 and basically an introvert like me but has had no trouble making friends of her own and is very happy with a good support network of friends she’s had since school. Try not to compare yourselves to what you see on social media and be content with what sounds like a lovely secure family environment. And stop worrying about anything happening to you; it probably won’t.

nancywhitehead · 19/04/2021 07:17

Do what makes you happy. There's nothing wrong with being introverted.

Buggerthebotox · 19/04/2021 07:31

I'm the same. I made sure that dd (who's sociable) was able to make lots of little friends but I'm not bothered about having loads of friends or family myself. I find people generally quite difficult and exhausting to deal with. I have a couple of friends and that's it. I stay away from Facebook.

Dd is no longer at home and I'm so glad she has friends. If either one of us carked it, she would have no extended family to care about her.

I've really enjoyed lockdown - the only thing I've really missed is the shops.

cheeseismydownfall · 19/04/2021 07:32

What is your marriage like, and your relationships with wider family?

My parents had a terrible marriage, as well as being extremely antisocial, driven by my mother. We saw my dad's family (who she didn't like) maybe once a year, and we once (once!) went to see a friend of my dad's from work for the evening. That was the sum total of the socialising we did as a family for my entire childhood, and to be honest it did effect me and my own ability to make friendships because I had absolutely no idea whatsoever what a friendship looked like.

I think it would be quite different though in a happy marriage/family, where there are still models of good relationships, and the lack of socialising is driven by genuine preference rather than a rather toxic situation.

With our own children, we socialise in a low key way with a small number of good friends - walks, seeing each other for a meal etc. One family at a time. It suits us. I'm pleased that our children see us enjoying spending time with friends, it was such a sad gap in my childhood.

Itwasjustresting · 19/04/2021 07:37

Hi OP. You say you “guess” your DCs are also introverted. I grew up in a self-sufficient family and hated it. I think as an adult it has affected my ability to make friends as I never saw my parents interact socially with anyone except each other. My greatest wish as a child was a Butlins holiday like my best friend had - but we rented self-catering cottages on remote farms where there was no chance of meeting anyone.

I suppose my plea would be, if one of your DC shows signs of becoming an extrovert, try and find ways to facilitate that.

gingerbiscuit19 · 19/04/2021 07:40

My family were very much like this. If they were ever invited anywhere I always so excited but they'd always cancel last minute and I remember feeling so disappointed. I really craved the contact with a wider circle.

Before having children I always felt so lonely and a bit of an outcast as I didn't have those strong connections with people. Since having my DC I've made a real effort and made some really solid friendships , my DC are social butterfly's which I love. I think it depends on how comfortable you are in your own skin. I do think our children learn the importance of friendships from watching parents though.

newnortherner111 · 19/04/2021 07:49

Leave Facebook and return to your normal life. If you were a dysfunctional family then cause for worry or concern, but otherwise nothing wrong in how you are. Lovely to read of a couple and children who are compatible and happy as they are.

HowBest2Invest · 19/04/2021 07:52

DH and I are quite introverted. We do try to get out and about and (sorry for using this expression) "make memories" with the kids though. Beach days, walks, meals out, the cinema and pool etc. We generally do these things by ourselves as an immediate family, not with other people. We do tend to avoid busy events and plan to go a little before peak time to avoid the crowds. We just wouldn't enjoy things the same if it was packed out.

We do have extended family round on special occasions and for BBQs and roast dinners and things. They're nice people and my kids really love having a good relationship with them.

I do try to encourage my kids to see their friends, try that hobby that interests them etc. It's good for their confidence.

Ozgirl75 · 19/04/2021 07:56

It’s interesting, I’m quite outgoing although what I mean by that is that I enjoy spending time with close friends. I hate things like cocktail parties and small talk, but I love a long lunch with girlfriends.
We don’t do a lot of socialising with big groups. I see people even going on holiday with other families and can’t really think of anything worse than all that time endlessly with other people.
My oldest child had a sleepover last night (he is like me) and by 9.30 he was like “so....what time should we drop Bob home?” and I could tell he was ready to have his room and house back to himself. Equally he is great with a small group.
I think so what works for you as a family.

Ozgirl75 · 19/04/2021 07:58

I also don’t love big crowds and would always plan things in quieter times. I actually kind of love that Covid limits the numbers and makes us plan things.
Funnily enough I do love cities and the bustle of that, but also love coming home to the countryside.

WouldBeGood · 19/04/2021 08:01

My parents were like this and we hated it. We felt we missed out on all the parties/bbqs/fun and it made it difficult to know how to do those things when we were old enough to be invited alone.

I think you should make some effort to be more sociable for your dcs sake. It might even be fun!

Bagelsandbrie · 19/04/2021 08:04

Hmm well we are a really introverted family and I don’t care a jot about what other people do! Spending time with other people is my idea of hell, dh and ds aged 9 feel the same. Although for full disclosure ds has severe autism and I fully suspect dh and I also have autism. Dd aged 18 is the opposite - total social butterfly so goes out socialising and living her life surrounded by people.

Do your dc want to be more social? If they do that’s different but don’t feel you have to change just to meet other people’s expectations.

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