Comfortable being an Introverted Family?

[Pemberleys]

I'm an introvert as is DH, and I guess my DCs too. We've quite enjoyed the undemanding lack of social pressure of lockdown. But I also struggle with that nagging feeling of missing out.

I see people's social media posts of group trips out together with a squad of kids, BBQs, evening trips chasing sunsets and yes it all sounds exhausting and my kids would hate it BUT I also feel a bit left out.

I don't really know how to reconcile the comfort of our quiet life with that feeling my kids should have more of a social life, we should be inviting friends round for weekly BBQs and drinks, that somehow we are not 'making the most of it'.

Does anyone else feel the same? I find summer particularly hard when my Facebook is flooded with everyone's happy summer photos (I know, I know).

Comparison is the thief of joy.

There’s nothing wrong in being an introverted family. You can still have fun times and ‘make memories’.

However, I do understand that feeling of missing out or letting the kids down.

How old are your kids OP? It’s ok to be introverted but not alienated, could lead to a lot of issues once your children become teenagers.

We’re quite an introverted family. I remember watching “this country” and kurtan said he needed to have a “natter” with his nan and DS and I really laughed over that because we will natter for hours! My DC are adults and they’re my favourite people to spend time with. They do have friends but very much value their alone time too. I am also close to my sister. I feel that’s enough interaction for me.

I’ve socialised with big groups in the past but I find that generally people break off into 2s and 3s anyway. The chat tends to be quite superficial. I’ve pulled away from most of the friends I had because I’ve been through quite a lot these past few years and I have nothing left to “give” to people who aren’t super important to me. It may be selfish but I need to be, for my own MH. I just don’t have the mental energy to sustain friendships with lots of different people.

I’ve come to the conclusion that social interactions energise some people but drain others. If you find it draining then why put yourself through it? You’re not missing out on anything because you wouldn’t gain the value from large gatherings that the more social people do. Life is about doing things you enjoy, not what you think you “should” be doing.

I find this thread so interesting and refreshing!

DH and I don't have children but we are very happy in our own company. We are happy to spend time with our families occasionally but generally our little bubble is what makes us happiest.

Years ago when we met (in our twenties) we were very sociable and spent lots of weekends with people at parties/bbqs/pubs etc.... but like another poster said, i would now find all of this social interaction forced and exhausting.

Also, I find that I would often be sat making small talk with friends of friends who I am not all that bothered about...

Time is previous and I want to spend mine with quality people who matter to me, even if that's very few.

You can be quite happy to be introverted and that's fine, but you may find Facebook not the right thing to be on.

My best friend is quite introverted and rarely meet up with others or do things except with close family. They don't have Facebook so don't feel they are missing out on anything.

Loved your post @Buggerthebotox, could have written it myself. May I ask if you have a partner or if DD’s dad is in the picture? I’m divorced but DD’s dad (she’s left home too) is very much in the picture.

I don't think the big groups thing is important. But as I mentioned in my earlier post, it is important to give your kids the tools to interact with others, and a support network of adults outside their parents.

It's easy to assume that your DCs are introverts because they were born that way. When actually they've no experience of a social life because you and your partner don't socialise. You've not given them a template.

And yes, MN is full of tricky situations where MNers have no support. Bad things DO happen, sadly, and if your DCs have no one in their lives but you, no one else who cares about them and who they can rely on, then you are putting them at a significant disadvantage.

I really do regret that we didn't have people round to the house, or people to stay, more than we did. I didn't realise until my eldest was 20, that she felt that she'd missed out, and felt insecure because she had no adults in her lives but us and one aunt. Her friends' lives were clearly very different and she envied them - despite being an introvert herself.

And then, two years later my husband died, and she had even fewer.

Thank you, Hildegarde.

Dad is in the picture, but he doesn't have much family either. Dd is an only and was born when we were starting to get on a bit. Most family members had already passed on by then and I'm an only child myself so no siblings for me either. We were once a close family with many members and living in a great community. We live in an anonymous inner city area now which has its compensations but there's no community to speak of. I'm OK with that, but I worried about it affecting dd. She's cool with it as she's never known close family.

My family are all home birds.

I try to book a couple of memorable trips in each school summer holiday. I try to arrange get to see friends around 10 x per year max. Prefer to host as are home birds of course.

If I didn’t do this nothing at all would happen! We’d still be happy.

Though we have nice neighbours and chat to them often in passing.

I end towards introversion but personally find it's bad for me to spend too much time alone. Sometimes I have to force myself to make an effort and, if in good company, I don't regret it.

I don't agree with going out for the sake of it. I have done this and it felt as if I were kissing a lot of frogs

The problem with staying in your comfort zone as a parent is that you're not teaching your dc that in order to achieve certain things or become good at them, even the feeling of achievement, we have to leave our comfort zones.
I could happily not speak to another human for weeks but for my son's sake I've forced myself to do all sorts of things outside my comfort zone to encourage him to do the same. Trying new things is important for children in order to discover what they like/enjoy and broaden their horizons. Surely our job as parents is to try to raise well rounded individuals, not clones of ourselves.

A get together with friends once a month is something we would enjoy. I have known people especially ones who live near their extended family have a commitment every weekend. That’s something I would find a bit much as we really like to recharge the batteries. DH especially works ridiculously long hours.

DS had 5 friends round for pizza and drinks this week in the garden.
I do actually love hosting and that has rubbed off on him. The last big do we had was 20 round for New Years Eve to welcome in 2020.

I would like to think we are in a good place socially in that we are fine in both our own company and the company of others. So whilst some of my friends have really suffered as can’t survive easily without others and one of my friends had a huge crisis in lockdown we missed people but were fine.

I think being at the extreme end of any behaviour can mean issues arise. &

There is a half way house between social gatherings every weekend, and never. It is easiest to do what comes most naturally but it does sound like you're not 100% happy with the balance in your life so why not try making a plan or two over the summer? Doesn't have to be major - "chasing a sunset" is just going for an evening cycle or drive, no? A picnic with a friend might be nice.

@Tinyspiky

The problem with staying in your comfort zone as a parent is that you're not teaching your dc that in order to achieve certain things or become good at them, even the feeling of achievement, we have to leave our comfort zones. I could happily not speak to another human for weeks but for my son's sake I've forced myself to do all sorts of things outside my comfort zone to encourage him to do the same. Trying new things is important for children in order to discover what they like/enjoy and broaden their horizons. Surely our job as parents is to try to raise well rounded individuals, not clones of ourselves.

Perfectly said.

Watching with interest as some of the things pps have said have really resonated. Particularly the thing about not seeing your parents socialise and therefore finding it difficult to form friendships yourself.

I would describe myself as a sociable introvert - I love the idea of hosting events and hanging out with people and wish I'd experienced more of it and been able to "practise" as a child.

I understand feeling that "other people" are difficult and exhausting, but I try to push through it for the dc. So we'll have just one family over for a BBQ or a drink in the garden, and dc have to get involved with laying the table and chatting a bit. Every time, I actually end up enjoying myself! I just think it would be easier if my family had done things like this when I was little.

nancywhitehead

Do what makes you happy. There's nothing wrong with being introverted.“

This and come off of Facebook, problem solved 😁

This is lovely for you I guess, but as the only extrovert a family of introverts, I felt quite lonely as a kid. I had grandparents and a nanna on the other side, but no cousins or aunts or uncles even. As I’ve grown up and created my own family I’ve tried really hard to create a better network for my kids than I had. So that might be something to think about.

I envy you. Mine are so introverted I actually have a megaphone to direct their attention !.

My dm always said there was something wrong with people who had friends . She didn’t like “strangers” in the house.

We are a quiet nuclear family - and one thing I have vowed when (if) this all ends is to do more sociable stuff. Better late than never!

I also really encourage the dcs’ friendships. People who never interact with anyone else can become a bit self-centred and convinced of their own rectitude in all matters. Thank goodness for MN, really, so you can see a range of behaviours and opinions!

@IrmaFayLear

My dm always said there was something wrong with people who had friends . She didn’t like “strangers” in the house.

We are a quiet nuclear family - and one thing I have vowed when (if) this all ends is to do more sociable stuff. Better late than never!

I also really encourage the dcs’ friendships. People who never interact with anyone else can become a bit self-centred and convinced of their own rectitude in all matters. Thank goodness for MN, really, so you can see a range of behaviours and opinions!

This is a good point. There is a little bit of an air of the haughty in some of the responses, as if sociable types are all vacuous and false and in it for the insta likes while introverts are keeping it real with netflix and embroidery. I know this probably comes from a defensive position of feeling attacked for your choices and really you should do what makes you happy. If I'm truly honest though I do think you're missing out a bit. I like a quiet weekend now and again as much as anyone but when Monday morning rolls around again I do feel like it's hardly happened. A weekend away is effort but somehow feels longer because it leaves a lasting impression. It's about balance though - post lockdown I do feel more equipped to spend time just us at home sometimes and I'm not going to go back to dashing around being double booked all the time.

I don’t know about introvert
If you’re lacking in confidence that’s for sure

but you’re lacking....

We don’t do much socialising as a family. We never have people over or go away for weekends with friends. I think part of the problem is that we’ve always worked weekends. We don’t have many friends either. I’m quite happy being with my husband and kids, we have days away in school holidays etc and the kids did extracurricular activities but we never made the kind of friends where you would all go round to each other’s houses and hang out. Sometimes I feel we’ve missed out, other times I’m not fussed.

Growing up we didn’t have people round either. We did have family that would come round and cousins to play with etc but as they years have gone by the family has shrunk and kids grow up and move on and do their own thing.

However, my husbands friend and his family are moving back from abroad to our area very soon and I’m really quite worried as they are very sociable people. They have dinner parties and people round for drinks and BBQ’S etc. I know that they will invite us over when they get here and I’m worried because I know that it would be polite to then have them to us, but our house is very small, the garden isn’t great and I have no idea how to entertain people as it’s not something we do.

The problem with staying in your comfort zone as a parent is that you're not teaching your dc that in order to achieve certain things or become good at them, even the feeling of achievement, we have to leave our comfort zones

But that’s about so much more than socialising. I know lots of people that have raised their DC with always having lots of people round. Big family/friend bbqs, all at the pub together as DCs get older. But...they have virtually never left the small part of the country they come from. I can think of several families off the top of my head (mixture of relatives and friends) where yes they may be more “sociable” but they have literally no experience of the world. They live in a bubble. A sociable one maybe but still a small bubble.

My families home life might be “small” but that doesn’t mean we don’t go anywhere or experience anything. I went and got my degree when DC were at primary. That encouraged them to go to uni (we came from a family where uni just isn’t what people do). We’ve travelled a lot. They’ve lived and worked abroad on their own. They’re not scared of doing anything. I live in London and I have a relative who visits me occasionally who lives rurally and I have to go and meet them because they’re scared of going on the tube alone and getting lost!

I suppose that’s a long winded way of saying confidence is about more than socialising and there’s different types of confidence. I suppose yes a “perfect” parent might be able to inspire every type of confidence there is, but there’s so many factors to that like life circumstances, personality of the child etc.