Do I regret being a mum i feel so guilty

[Emily2626]

My ds is 2 years old. My dh appears to be overflowing with joy and delight everyday at being a dad and has said he wants more. I think ds is gorgeous and smart and i love him but the thought of looking after him fills me with terror. I feel trapped by motherhood. Im a working mum and im ashamed to admit that i love the relief of escaping to work where i can relax and do something im good at. Ive told dh i dont want any more children and he is very disappointed. But what im too ashamed to say out loud to anyone is that im not feeling any happiness being a mum, to me it all feels like horrible stress and hard work and i wonder if i regret being a mum? Obviously ds is here now and theres no changing that but i have this stabbing guilt inside that maybe i wouldnt have allowed myself to fall pregnant if i knew what life as a mum would be like? Please no judgemental comments i already feel like the worst person in the world

I didn’t realise it was ok to feel like this until I read about countless examples on MN. It’s more common than you realise but I doubt you will ever be able to have this conversation in real life as it’s the biggest taboo.

I have never enjoyed being a parent and I’ve been one for a decade now and also have a younger one. I love them both dearly but I absolutely wouldn’t have children if I could have my time back.

I came off hormonal contraception in my very late twenties and had the biggest maternal urge to have a child. I became pregnant quickly but had a horrendous pregnancy and birth and was affected mentally for many years afterwards. As soon as my child was born I thought “what have I done?!” and have felt that pretty much ever since. You would think then that I wouldn’t have had a second! The trauma did eventually fade and I was with a new DP who it would have been out of the question stating with and not having a child because he wanted one so much. I had a child because I loved him so much and also, selfishly, wanted to ensure a decent life for myself and my son as things weren’t going well on my own. My DP has taken my first on as his own and I love them all but I constantly dream of peace and quiet and time to myself and I too love going to work to be “me” again.

I have been very honest with people about the fact that I wouldn’t have had children if I could do it over and they generally smile and laugh and think I don’t mean it. I really do!

A colleague of my is childfree, she's a lovely lady with a lot of nieces and nephews that she loves, but she never wanted her own children, She told me she that she put more thought into not having children than
some people do into having them.

The baby and toddler years are so hard op. I didn't like them at all and I really mourned for my old life. I too went back to work and loved the escape. What I will say is that is does get better, my dd is now 13 and I really enjoy her, we have a lovely relationship. I think the bonding started to creep in when she was about 5, that's when I stayed to enjoy motherhood.

We're not all cut out to be mothers, some of us never really adjust to it.

Well done for speaking your mind and saying no to a second, don't be swayed into it if you don't want another one. That's perfectly ok.

I think threads like this are great. Everyone is different, but I worry a little about the over bright people who say ‘I adore every minute with my child, play constantly etc. That may be some people’s experience but it’s not the norm among parents I meet socially and professionally. Parenting is soooo hard. I think some of us struggle more than others due to our own parenting experiences. My parents did their best but had a lot of issues of their own going on, and struggled with parenting. It’s no wonder I do too. And if we look around us, how many parents are totally secure and relaxed? I agree with op that you sound self aware op, and that a form of therapy would be a place for you to work this all out more.

@ForkHandlesplease this could be me. I’ve grown up with nieces and nephews through my adult life and now close friends kids.

I work with children, they are amazing and I have a natural affinity with them but it got to my thirties when I started realising I didn’t want my own. I always assumed I would when I met the right man.

I have really considered it for years and years and as I’ve hit my forties briefly wondered if my gut instincts to not parent were wrong. But I have more reasons not to than to have children. I’m now very happy with my decision. We have a lovely life and I know it’s not the same but I’ve got children in my life but I go back to my own space!

Sorry @Emily2626 hijacked your thread there. Trust your instincts, you are at a difficult age with your little one and life is particularly strange and difficult right now on top of normal parenting.

My DS is very nearly 5 and an only child as we just felt we couldn't do it again. He was very much planned and wanted by both dh and I but after an awful delivery, awful sleep from DS for years, PND and PNA then concerns about DS' development, we both agreed to stop at 1.

I was worried for my marriage, mourned for my old life, I didn't like the version of myself I had become. The monotony and relentlessness coupled with worry about his development meant for the first time in my life I was suffering with my mental health.

I will say life is so, so much better now than when DS was 2 for loads of reasons and I'm the most relaxed I've been probably since the moment I was induced. A crystal ball 3 years ago would have been very helpful to know how things would turn out, I could have done with worrying less but even though he's still young I can't believe how things have changed.

I really feel like this at times. I have a just turned three year old and a baby. The toddler is great on her terms, but as soon as she needs to get dressed, go to bed, brush her teeth etc everything is a battle. The baby is a little ray of sunshine, but she's at that phase where she's on lots of milk and solid feeds so I feel like I do nothing but walk back and forth to the kitchen table, and she's not sleeping through either. I'm finding it all such a grind. I love them dearly, and I don't regret them, but I'm not enjoying parenting at the moment at all.

I'm back to work on Monday after maternity leave and I can't wait. I know I'll be even more tired, and I'm worried about how I'll perform at work, but I can't wait to use my brain and be alone.

I've often said to DH that I'm not cut out to be a mother, but I'd be a great father. He feels similarly about parenting and absolutely pulls his weight, but naturally gets showered with praise while I get the head tilt for working full-time.

You are totally allowed to feel what you feel, it’s entirely normal.

Some people love every second, some are the polar opposite.

And every single working mum I know LOVED escaping their young children, it was the only bonus from the manic juggling mix of it all.

If you don’t want another, don’t allow yourself to be pressured. Your choice is entirely okay.

PS the looking after gets easier as they get older.

If i could go back i would have still had my children but if i could wave a magic wand and take the youngest to 4 i would do that! I couldn't imagine not having my funny little people in my life as they bring me so much joy and i love their company. It has been bloody tough though so if i could go back i would have put way less pressure on myself with my first and cut afew corners with stuff!

My eldest is 12 and I still regret it really. And I let myself get railroaded into a 2nd AND an accidental 3rd!However! I do enjoy it more now. I don't love being a mum exactly, and all the shit work that goes with it, lots of things that I see others absolutely bursting with joy and pride about with their DC I find a bit confusing (not everything, like I enjoy their wit but couldn't give a fuck about the Xmas play for example, unless they were really enthused about getting a part or something in which case I would feel very happy for them), but I do actually really enjoy their company now. The older they all get the more I'm enjoying it. I found the younger years should destroying though. So much faff and hard work!

This is so, so common. But - as PPs have said - one of the greatest taboos.

I’m an only child and looking like I’ll have an only myself. Well before I had him (shortly after I had met my now husband, actually) we went to visit my mum’s friend and her family in the country to which they’d emigrated. For purposes of this story, ill call friend’s son “S”.

We were all out having dinner one night and my mum’s pal said to my mum “Do you remember how you had just had Piglet and I had had S and you said to me ‘I really love Piglet but sometimes I wish I could leave her somewhere and just walk away’?”

Even then I knew that wasn’t an unreasonable thing to think and I can imagine I was probably a demanding child. I hadn’t had kids at that stage, but somehow totally understood it. My mum denied ever having said it and was at pains to tell me she didn’t feel that way. But I totally understand mothers can feel that way and it’s ok. She was and is a great mother - caring and empathetic.

I love my son and he’s fantastic. But the reality is that his vocab and communication with me is still pretty limited as he’s only 20 months and I can only really get on with things I need to do when he is asleep or my husband takes him out. It is so incredibly intense and the biggest life change I have ever experienced. I had PND too - in large part, exacerbated by the pandemic.

For some, parenthood is the making of them. But it you were your own person beforehand and had hobbies and a career and so on, it’s no wonder it’s a shock.

You are not alone, OP and anonymous fora like this are important so we can all know that and share similar experiences of this.

I feel exactly the same way. So does my husband. It is so boring and relentless. Suffice to say, we stopped at one!

@BooksOnTheShelf

Welcome to motherhood.

I don't say that flippantly. I think lots of women regret having children but society needs us to have them and so we encourage them to think it's what we aspire to and then we keep them trapped in relationships once we have them (through finances, social pressure etc).

My children are older now (mid teens and early 20s) and I love them but having them has negatively impacted on my life in many ways.

This!

I will never admit this in real life, but I would have definitely chosen a childless life if I could go back in time. I felt a lot of shame not enjoying raising my children, and still do now that they’re adults. There is an unspoken rule that no one admits how shit life can be raising children. I felt cheated for a long time.

I've found your post helpful. I haven't had children because I worried that was how I'd feel; now it's too late and I sometimes think maybe I was wrong, maybe "it's different when it's your own". It's good to know that isn't always the case.
And your husband sounds unusually thrilled about it - maybe you can see that as a good thing, as between you, you kind of come out evens!

OP, you're not alone. I have one DD and whilst I love her more than anything, I really hate my role as her mother. I'm wishing away her childhood, which not a great feeling.

Never have I heard someone hit the nail on the head quite as well as you
FOMO as the main reason for choosing to have children.
I regret it so so much. This leaves me feeling terribly sad and lonely as really, who can you say this to other than a psychotherapist (I do have one!), without the listeners view of you changing (for the worst).
It is so helpful to hear these frank accounts of not enjoying motherhood.
I have very brief spells of just small glimmers of enjoyment and my 2 boys (7 and autistic 10) are literally the best people ever. Adorable.
But I don't want to be their mum. I don't want the responsibility and I never did.
I refuse to feel ashamed. Why should we?
My brilliant and supportive DH is am amazing father. Thank goodness. He is the stable one of us
Every school holiday I feel that I can't cope with being around my boys. I force myself to be the "good mum" and take them out, engage them etc etc but I really just want to move out into a 1 bed flat and have my pre kids life back, which was perfectly fine and missing nothing.
The only real shame I feel is that I didn't ignore societies expectations and rely upon my own, internal voice and instinctual intelligence that parenting is not and would never be right for me. I've been a complete fool. Got myself trapped in a prison of my own making.