Do I regret being a mum i feel so guilty

[Emily2626]

My ds is 2 years old. My dh appears to be overflowing with joy and delight everyday at being a dad and has said he wants more. I think ds is gorgeous and smart and i love him but the thought of looking after him fills me with terror. I feel trapped by motherhood. Im a working mum and im ashamed to admit that i love the relief of escaping to work where i can relax and do something im good at. Ive told dh i dont want any more children and he is very disappointed. But what im too ashamed to say out loud to anyone is that im not feeling any happiness being a mum, to me it all feels like horrible stress and hard work and i wonder if i regret being a mum? Obviously ds is here now and theres no changing that but i have this stabbing guilt inside that maybe i wouldnt have allowed myself to fall pregnant if i knew what life as a mum would be like? Please no judgemental comments i already feel like the worst person in the world

This might seem like an odd comment but if you decide to not have anymore children and you have the opportunity then move to a cul de sac or quiet road close or within catchment of your local school. Once they reach school age the burden of being their playmate on top of their parent will be gone. They'll have constant friendship literally on their doorstep.

We did this entirely by accident without realising the enormous benefit to our only DS. If we'd gone for the other house we liked which was on a busier road then he never would have been able to safely play out and I would have had to entertain him constantly.

I wish people would talk more openly about what having a child is like and how it will impact your life.
The nearest you'll get is the 'enjoy sleep while you can' when you're pregnant.
Societies expectations that you should want to have children mixed with our hormones doesn't give anyone a chance to really think about what is the right choice.
It's OK to feel the way you do but it's a shame that you weren't given an unbiased time to really think about what you want before conceiving .
I do think the tide is changing and women are starting to take more informed choices.

OP I think this is very common. I think motherhood regret is a very common, but unspoken, thing.

I was admittedly the other way round - adament I didn't want children, DC was a surprise, but I found I love being a mum. But for every mum like me there's another who feels the opposite.

However like you I also only want 1. I love DC to the moon and back, but my independence and tiny amount of free-time is also important to me, and I think a happy mum is better than a stressed and tired mum. Maybe I'll feel different in the future but I doubt it. So if you do only want 1, stick to your guns.

Who is doing the bulk of the childcare? Is your dh sufficiently appreciative of the work you do for your dc?

I think sometimes what happens is that the work women put into child rearing is not appreciated as being work, so women who are appreciated for their work elsewhere find it very unrewarding to do a double shift which is not even appreciated...

Totally with you OP and I daren't admit it to anyone. I'm fortunate that neither me or my husband want more children now whereas before we had my son we did. It's changed our relationship beyond repair I think which I never anticipated and at times I think that we will divorce. I love him beyond belief but I find him exhausting and can't wait to get to work. I think it doesn't help that I never get time to myself unless he's asleep or I'm at work. Fortunately I love my job. Curiously he's also 2 like yours and I wonder if it will get better as he grows up but the thought of having another is literally my worst nightmare.

@AOWNNs2

I had DS when I was 37 - he is now five and am still amazed at how many people have kids. I've never had a biological urge to have a kid and if am honest clearly only had one due to FOMO.

Don't get me wrong, I love him very much, but I will be almost 60 when he leaves home. I went from having a very full-on career and some free time to a very full-on job and no free time whatsoever - the idea that almost every adult around me cant wait to give up the little free time they have just to look after a small person is truely baffling.

I actually think that having kids is mad, and I reckon if more people knew what it entails a lot fewer adults would be parents.

I agree with this!

No one ever said being a parent was easy. It's all consuming. You give up every part of yourself.

Being a mother is about sacrificing everything even when you have nothing left.

That being said surely there are good/better days? What part of being a mother to your son do you find the hardest/most stressful/least enjoyable? What bits do you enjoy? No one ever said you had to enjoy every second?

@ivfbeenbusy I found that whilst everyone tells you that it's all-consuming I wonder whether most people quite believe them. Going by some of the threads on here there are clearly enough men who do very much assume that having kids is an addition to their life but not the only thing they have in their life apart from work i.e. they continue having hobbies and free time etc.

I also wonder whether the economic need for both parents to work has served to put added pressures on family life. We went from one wage earner/homemaker to both partners working full time and trying to take care of their kids. It would have been better for the shift in work dynamics to have moved towards enabling both parents to work part-time and spend more time with their kids without having to give up all their free time/personal time.

Lots of my friends abroad work a 4 day week (both parents) - which means they have at least one day to themselves/their relationship without their kid. They all seem much happier that way. It would be nice if more people could have that option/could afford to it in the UK

Oh my kids piss me off from the minute they wake up to the moment I put them to bed (for the 5th time at 2am )

I love them. I’d die for them and I enjoy our family time together but it’s very hard. I don’t think I regret them, it’s not quite that feeling. But if I’d have a trial of real motherhood and the constant sacrifice and compromise and loss of self involved beforehand, I’d probably have enjoyed my child free years for longer and made more of the time.

I was so desperate for them and now I would give a kidney for some alone time - but I won’t because then I worry they are ok and I feel guilty for prioritising myself.

You’re certainly not alone OP, even if it doesn’t extend to feeling some levels of regret, I still think most women have times of utter resentment towards motherhood (important to say that as I don’t resent my children ever, but the role of mother can fuck right off sometimes)

There is so much left unsaid about the reality of being a mother. Our culture makes it hard to admit hating the role. It is so all encompassing, it can feel like a trap. Hard, boring, frustrating work, with no pay and you get taken for granted.
I've found it best to see that as reality. I'm not depressed. I want to live my OWN life, not this prescribed one. I'm working on that, and will continue with my mothering obligations. It's a journey.

I think it does depend a lot on the child. I have a 10 year old with severe autism and he is 100x harder than my 18 month old. I am really enjoying the second time around (maybe becuase we have not hit 2 years old yet) but I avoided having a second for 8 years for fear he would be like my first. My first will be dependent on me for the rest of my life which does sometimes feel like a prison sentence.

I feel the same way OP, my DS is also 2. The days are long and mostly boring especially with covid restrictions. I am a SAHM and would love to go back to work just to get away and talk to adults/ have the opportunity to actually engage my brain without interruptions. I adore DS but I don’t enjoy being a mum. I definitely won’t be having anymore children, we are in full swing of horrendous tantrums where I have to drag him home kicking and screaming. I can’t wait til he starts school, I can’t wait for the constant tantrums to end and I can’t wait until he’s more independent. DH does his share of looking after Ds but he works a lot of hours.

It will get easier. The 0 - 3 years stage is the worst because you literally can't do anything except watch them, feed them, play with them, think about them etc., and if you don't have anyone that is willing to have them for an hour or two (I didn't) then it's just relentless - like you, if I wasn't at work, I was with my child. But slowly slowly you will find that as they get older, they can amuse themselves for longer and things just get easier. Eventually you will even be able to go to the supermarket alone, or to the doctor's because your child will be ok to leave at home by themselves for an hour or so (this happens around age 10-12 depending on your particular child of course!). I realised recently that I could actually go to a hairdresser's salon now if I wanted, rather than having a hairdresser come to my house which I obviously needed because I had a child with me constantly! As someone once said, the days are long, but the years are short. Hang in there.

I love my 3 children dearly but its hard work, relentless and often exhausting. I manage by using childcare as much as possible so that although I have less time with them, we all enjoy it better as its limited & we can have fun as I've had a rest away from them! Not a popular view, but one that's shared by lots of parents i know!

One of my friends once said: 'I used to have a life, now I have a child'.... hang in there

It's OK and understandable to feel regret about parenting. I didn't, but I get it and I'm not going to look negatively at anyone admitting it.

As others have said, you may well find it improves later - babies and toddlers/ small kids can be relentless and quite boring tbh. You may find things improve quite a lot when you can have a conversation with DS or when he doesn't need your attention constantly. And obviously, we've all just had an unimaginably hard and stressful year, which isn't going to help.

Don't have another child if you don't want, but it's also likely you'll find better days one day with DS.

I don’t regret having kids now, and I do have a few friends who have said “if I’d known it would be like this, I wouldn’t have had him/her”

They also found it much easier to cope with parenthood by working full time, which is absolutely fine.

I hated the first year of motherhood with a passion and often wondered wtaf I’d done with my life. I had severe post natal anxiety - once I had therapy and got the anxiety under control, things improved. I’ve just had my second (total accident, I was never having any more!!) and absolutely love the newborn stage so far - having the MH issues under control is a massive game changer (totally appreciate you can regret motherhood and not have post natal MH issues btw, but that was the underlying reason I struggled so much)

First, I think your feelings are normal, and well done for posting as you must have felt worried about doing so. I absolutely hated newborn to age 5. Monotonous, boring, repetitive. I had a high flying career and had a total loss of identity during maternity leave at suddenly being a mum (and not a very good one). We had another child as I felt DS needed a companion and I couldn’t give him sufficient time and attention. It was the best thing we did. DD came along and they are thick as thieves. They’re now 8 and 10. Both are great fun, entertaining, engaging, interesting to spend time with and most importantly very independent (as far as you can be at that age). DH and I work full time. We now love the weekends all 4 of us together. I have really bonded with them as they’ve matured. I keep my career and hobbies (limited) going and try and encourage the children to have their own interests. I see many of my friends helicoptering around their children or sacrificing careers to be at home more and that’s fine if that’s what they want but it’s also ok to crack on with your life. I’m much closer to both DC now then when they were pre-schoolers. Good luck deciding about another child.

I enjoy my child at 4 a million times more than i did at 2. Maybe your feelings will change as your dc gets older as under 3 really is a tough stage.

Motherhood is HARD - I often wonder if fathers feel the same about fatherhood?

Somebody wise once said, ‘I wish I loved spending time with my children as much as I love my children.’ It really resonated with me. I enjoy my children much more now they’re older, (generally) well behaved and good company. The toddler years felt like a relentless slog most of the time.

@GreenLeafTurnip

Totally with you OP and I daren't admit it to anyone. I'm fortunate that neither me or my husband want more children now whereas before we had my son we did. It's changed our relationship beyond repair I think which I never anticipated and at times I think that we will divorce. I love him beyond belief but I find him exhausting and can't wait to get to work. I think it doesn't help that I never get time to myself unless he's asleep or I'm at work. Fortunately I love my job. Curiously he's also 2 like yours and I wonder if it will get better as he grows up but the thought of having another is literally my worst nightmare.

This is very similar to how I feel.

Born why don't you go back to work then? Life's passing you by. I found motherhood bearable but only because I went back to work at four and five months respectively. They're now 16 and 18 and I still regard that as my best parenting decision.
Men often bang in about how great having DC is. The reality is that most don't do the day to day donkey work, nor take them with them let alone do 50/50 when relationships fail.

Being a mother is about sacrificing everything even when you have nothing left.

Being a mother or being a parent?

OP how much of the childcare load is shared with your other half? That makes a huge difference if the balance is unfairly on your shoulders.

Im so grateful for all these posts to know im not alone. Dh doesn't understand the small amount of feelings ive tried to share with him. He says he can't wait to wake up each morning so he can see ds and that each moment with him brings him such happiness he just adores being a dad. Ive felt like an evil monster in comparison. My lack of joy at being a mum has only seemed ever more dark in comparison to dh brightness. I have a little bit of hope that i might be more cut out for mothering an older child and just have to wait. I think society puts this expectation on mums that it should be this great thing but for me its not. Ds was a planned pregnancy and very much wanted so its been a shock to realise im not the mother i always thought i would be.