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Original poster

What's it called when someone does this?

29 replies

FromTheAshes · 15/04/2021 09:49

What's it called when someone refuses to help you with something critical at work unless you reignite a personal friendship with them that you have previously terminated due to their actions?

It's not blackmail, like I thought, as that is limited to financial or property gain.

TIA

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 15/04/2021 09:50

Emotional blackmail?

lorca · 15/04/2021 09:50

Being a complete bastard?

Coercive control?

MaMaD1990 · 15/04/2021 09:51

Emotional blackmail describes a style of manipulation where someone uses your feelings as a way to control your behavior or persuade you to see things their way.5 Mar 2020

Babdoc · 15/04/2021 09:53

A reason to contact HR dept pronto.

SmileyClare · 15/04/2021 09:57

It's hard to say whether this is manipulative behaviour without more detail.

Is this colleague being asked to do something to help you that's out of their remit, are you asking for quite a large favour?
I don't know the history or what your relationship is like now with this person but if you have to work with them then it's not unreasonable to ask for you to be civil and put any past disagreements aside?

UhtredRagnarson · 15/04/2021 09:57

It’s called someone you should avoid at all costs.

TheFourOhFour · 15/04/2021 09:57

@Babdoc

A reason to contact HR dept pronto.
Yup.
EastofEdna · 15/04/2021 09:58

It's called "escalate to line management".

TheFourOhFour · 15/04/2021 10:00

@SmileyClare

It's hard to say whether this is manipulative behaviour without more detail.

Is this colleague being asked to do something to help you that's out of their remit, are you asking for quite a large favour?
I don't know the history or what your relationship is like now with this person but if you have to work with them then it's not unreasonable to ask for you to be civil and put any past disagreements aside?

Or, actually, this is a fair question.
PrudenceDictates · 15/04/2021 10:03

Agree with emotional blackmail. See also coercion.
Also agree with reporting to superiors.

Original poster
FromTheAshes · 15/04/2021 10:06

I've escalated to line management but no action's been seen to have been taken. I, however, was told off both by my own manager and my colleague's manager for using the term blackmail as it was too strong a word.

Full context is this colleague contacted me to let me know that a piece of software he sorts, that I do not have knowledge of or access to but touches on an application I support, has failed but since I had made it clear I would only talk about work related stuff, I was on my own.

I'm thinking of revising it to 'tantamount to blackmail' in future conversations unless anyone has any better word that fits.

Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 18 years, whatever it is it's not something I will tolerate so have already publicly called out my colleague and spoken to both my and his line manager.

Roll on the day I can leave this company.

OP posts:
Original poster
FromTheAshes · 15/04/2021 10:07

Supports, not sorts. Sorry, phone hates me as usual Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
FromTheAshes · 15/04/2021 10:09

Just seen the suggestion of coercion. Thank you, that seems to fit the bill rather nicely.

OP posts:
AWamBamBoom · 15/04/2021 10:09

Wanker
It's called being a wanker

MaMaD1990 · 15/04/2021 10:11

Hmm I wouldn't let that slide and continue to use the word blackmail if you feel it is accurate. They're probably worried about legal involvement with such words being used, but that's not your problem. Have you asked them what word they would use to describe it?

Gingernaut · 15/04/2021 10:13

If this is in writing, forward the emails.

This wanker is affecting work and his place of employment.

Timeforabiscuit · 15/04/2021 10:14

Manipulation, did they put this in an email?

I would have phrased your colleagues behaviour as "Not being in line with our expected company behaviours" and you felt coerced into behaving a certain way that you felt deeply uncomfortable with and want to maintain a formal professional persona.

Blackmail is a big word, but his behaviour is disgusting.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2021 10:15

Unprofessional.

DianaT1969 · 15/04/2021 10:16

Make him put his refusal in writing with reasons. Is this software something you should be trained in? What would you have done if he was on holiday?

Lemonlemon88 · 15/04/2021 10:16

It seems reasonable to contact you about that? If it affects your application?

What happened before that you don't speak?

Flipflopblowout · 15/04/2021 10:18

Bullying might fit. You are being coerced into doing something that you don't want to do at work which has nothing to do with work. It might also fall under harassment.

Original poster
FromTheAshes · 15/04/2021 10:19

It is in writing, a screenshot has been sent to both managers.

I did ask them, they both said that it was just unprofessional.

If he'd been on holiday his manager would have picked it up. I sought assistance from his manager after getting none from him. The technical issue got resolved that day.

OP posts:
Lemonlemon88 · 15/04/2021 10:19

Maybe I misunderstood

SmileyClare · 15/04/2021 10:19

Yeah the term "wanker" seems to fit! He's making no sense anyway. You've established that you'll talk to him about work related issues. Erm this is a work related issue?

I don't think you need a label for this do you in order to complain? He's refusing to co operate on a work related issue. It's his responsibility to correct failed software for the team. He's not doing his job and bringing personal disagreements to work. It's childish.

I'm all for trying to sort things out with work colleagues as adults before escalating it. Will he agree to be civil and co operate if you agree to put things behind you and aim for a "work" relationship?

Unfortunately, it's a lesson to be learned that forming close relationships with colleagues can go wrong. I imagine you got close to him and he's been rejected sexually by you or something? Best to keep all work mates at arms length in future. Sad

Crimeismymiddlename · 15/04/2021 10:21

Oh wow, your manager rather than trying to police the language you use should have just told this person that refusal is unacceptable and to sort the problem out. It is bullying, and it seems your work place is ok with it.