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Original poster

would you end a relationship over this? Am i being unreasonable?

43 replies

NotMyBuscuit · 14/04/2021 16:28

I’m 7 months in to a relationship now (known him slightly longer than this as messaged a while before meeting).

From the start he made it clear his working week was very busy working late. He’s high up and responsible for management of staff too so this adds to paperwork outside work including HR matters. Basically it’s busy and I know this is true, he will often get home at 8/9.

We’ve met every weekend for months. It’s nice, I love seeing him, he drives to me and vice versa. But whenever I have mentioned coming over in the week he just shuts down! It’s like he actually can’t see how it would work, he’ll say he will be tired, he might be back late, he won’t be good company. All of this I get but how can we progress a relationship if I never see him tired or moody?!

I feel like we are 14 and meeting up for sleepovers at weekends.

He’s not married before anyone asks, just very regimented in his daily life.

I am at the point now where I want to call time on it as i don’t want to force him into week night dates. But how can I see this as a relationship unless we progress from weekend only time together? Am I being unreasonable? Dated so long to find someone I liked and now I have it seems stuck.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 14/04/2021 16:32

7 months is long enough without things progressing. I would see hanging on longer to see if it changes, a waste of time. 💐

CrumpetsForAll · 14/04/2021 16:33

Have you seen his house? I know you’ve said he’s not married but that’s very odd...

lilroo87 · 14/04/2021 16:39

It is pretty odd that he hasn't said yes to any weekday evenings.
When I met my fiancé he was working weird patterns and sometimes wouldn't be home till 8 or 9 but I'd still see him in evenings on those days. Not all the time but quite a lot plus he lived an hour from me.
If you know where he lives then maybe do a drive by one weekday evening to see if there's anything suspicious 🤨

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CrumpetsForAll · 14/04/2021 16:48

I mean, what if you told him you needed a place to stay on a weeknight? Your hot water’s gone off or whatever. Would he offer or would that be a big red line?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/04/2021 17:04

That's very odd.

What's he hiding?

Lockdownbear · 14/04/2021 17:08

Odd, does he have custody of his kids during the week?
Sounds odd to me, I don't believe anyone works to 8/9 pm every night unless he doesn't start until lunchtime.
Very occasionally maybe but not regularly.

PinkCookie11 · 14/04/2021 17:09

Do you call/FaceTime when he’s home through the week so you know for a fact he’s at home? (Sounds abit far I know)
Would you be able to spend the night there through the week?
I get everyone has work commitments but I personally couldn’t see my OH just on a weekend esp at the beginning of a relationship. It would annoy me and I would think what’s the point which I think is where your at right now.
Have you brought it up in convo before?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/04/2021 17:26

Sounds odd to me, I don't believe anyone works to 8/9 pm every night unless he doesn't start until lunchtime.

Lots of people do - law, finance, medicine are all careers where people are often expected to work very late each night.

However that wouldn't normally stop someone seeing their partner during the week!

WallaceinAnderland · 14/04/2021 17:26

I don't think that is in the least bit odd. If I came home at 8/9pm I would want to shower, get into pjs, etc something in front of the tv and get off to bed. I would not want to be making conversation with someone. He just needs downtime.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/04/2021 17:29

@WallaceinAnderland

But at some point that has to change, surely?

Or are they just going to spend the rest of their lives living apart and only seeing each other at weekends?

underneaththeash · 14/04/2021 17:31

It’s only been 7 months OP, that’s not king at all. I’d give it some time.

Spied · 14/04/2021 17:32

Sounds like he's happy as things are and doesn't want anything more.
Nice for him to have you waiting for when he can fit you in.
It doesn't sound like he's committed to a serious, full time relationship.

Alsohuman · 14/04/2021 17:34

Or are they just going to spend the rest of their lives living apart and only seeing each other at weekends?

It’s how we spent the majority of our married life. It worked for us.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/04/2021 17:34

I thought it was clear that he didn't want any more than weekends.

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2021 17:37

He isn’t going to change his working patterns for you so if you want more then you should consider ending it

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2021 17:40

He’s been clear, you can’t force him to see you more. That doesn’t work and causes resentment, either accept this is all he wants from you or move on.

PinkCookie11 · 14/04/2021 17:40

@WallaceinAnderland

Yeah you’ve changed my view on it actually. I was thinking if it was me and not thinking about ‘him’ I take it back, give it abit more time. Just ask how you would be able to see him through week if possible as you want to be with him more etc

Justforphoto · 14/04/2021 17:42

I wouldn't end the relationship over this however that's because it would suit me, you have the right to get what you want from a relationship but you don't have the right to demand that he gives you what you want. If this is what you want then you will have to find someone else to have it with.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/04/2021 17:48

@Alsohuman

Or are they just going to spend the rest of their lives living apart and only seeing each other at weekends?

It’s how we spent the majority of our married life. It worked for us.

I mean, that's great that it works for you, but most people would want to live together eventually and join homes.

Lou98 · 14/04/2021 17:52

To be honest I see his point. I used to work in a very stressful job where it would often be late night, getting home at 8/9 was very much normal for me and all I wanted to do was come home, have a super quick dinner, shower and bed. The last thing I would have wanted would have been company and making conversation etc.
As much as you say you understand he'll be tired/moody etc you will still want him to come home and talk about things etc. Which is fine and what you should want in a relationship, but that's why he's only wanting to see you on the days he knows he'll be good company.

For those saying you can't build a relationship on just weekends - my DP and I did it, he works at sea so was away 2 weeks and home 2 weeks, in the 2 weeks he was home I only seen him Friday-Sunday and if I had any annual leave booked. It wasn't really until we moved in together that we seen each other more than this, that was a few years ago now and we're still together and happy, it worked for us.

If you want more OP then that's absolutely fine and your choice, but then I think you need to find somewhere more available. I don't think it would be fair to ask him to change his work night routines when he was upfront about it to begin with

Lou98 · 14/04/2021 17:53

Someone not somewhere *

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/04/2021 17:54

He sounds very inflexible which I wouldn't like. I'd be happy going round, making an easy dinner and watching TV on a Friday night even if I worked long days. If you get more serious his 'big job' will mean you do all the family work because he is too important to do the school run. That would make me run a mile.

MissingCoffeeandWine · 14/04/2021 17:59

OP, that’s my relationship. It’s different as I’m married and we live together, but DH works 12 hour days minimum midweek. Until we lived together I didn’t see him midweek. Now with kids, he takes a break from 6-8 we have dinner as a family and play, and he goes back to work from 8-11/12. He also frequently works a half day at weekends too. It’s his job and he gets satisfaction from it and one of the things I love and admire about him is his determination, but it’s not the work life balance I want (or have) for myself. And if I waited for him to have midweek availability I’d be waiting forever!

Pre covid if there was something huge, like a wedding, or a particular event - theatre concerts etc. He would take a half days leave.

If you want more that’s ok OP. For me it works as I love my independent time. But no, I wouldn’t expect him to change his hours for you. It may be that you have different expectations/needs from a relationship?

NailsNeedDoing · 14/04/2021 18:00

Is it the idea of coming over to yours after work that he doesn’t like? Would he feel differently if it were you going to his house? How far away from each other do you live?

Cheeseandlobster · 14/04/2021 18:03

Neither is wrong op. It all boils down to what you are each happy with and you want more than he is prepared to give. I was in a similar relationship where after a year we were only seeing each other 3 times every 2 weeks, always on the same days. I bailed, it wasn't enough for me. You both have different expectations like my ex and I sadly. I would raise it with him and see if it changes but if he doesnt want to then you may be best off ending it or you will be turning yourself in knots waiting for it to change and wondering why it isnt

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