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Original poster

would you end a relationship over this? Am i being unreasonable?

43 replies

NotMyBuscuit · 14/04/2021 16:28

I’m 7 months in to a relationship now (known him slightly longer than this as messaged a while before meeting).

From the start he made it clear his working week was very busy working late. He’s high up and responsible for management of staff too so this adds to paperwork outside work including HR matters. Basically it’s busy and I know this is true, he will often get home at 8/9.

We’ve met every weekend for months. It’s nice, I love seeing him, he drives to me and vice versa. But whenever I have mentioned coming over in the week he just shuts down! It’s like he actually can’t see how it would work, he’ll say he will be tired, he might be back late, he won’t be good company. All of this I get but how can we progress a relationship if I never see him tired or moody?!

I feel like we are 14 and meeting up for sleepovers at weekends.

He’s not married before anyone asks, just very regimented in his daily life.

I am at the point now where I want to call time on it as i don’t want to force him into week night dates. But how can I see this as a relationship unless we progress from weekend only time together? Am I being unreasonable? Dated so long to find someone I liked and now I have it seems stuck.

OP posts:

Namechange1067949 · 14/04/2021 18:08

When I read your op I thought the guy was reasonable if he was working late, until you said he’s home by 8/9 o’clock.

l typically work till 8/9 at night often much later and I regularly work weekends.
When I started dating DP I made time, it was no problem. There are plenty of options

It’s only been 7 months and the guys not fighting to see you, I couldn’t be bothered putting in the effort if I was you.

Just be busy the next 2/3 weekends, see if he’s happy to just not see you for a month or if he finds time.

Kiitos · 14/04/2021 18:09

It clearly doesn’t suit you and that’s a good enough reason to end things. If he’s not willing to make an effort to see you at this stage, he’s unlikely to change. When I’ve been dating people I’m really keen on I wouldn’t let tiredness be an excuse.
There have been a few threads lately along these lines, guys with busy jobs only willing to do weekend dates. Which is fine if you’re happy to date casually but not promising if you want a proper relationship. If you can’t pin him down to a midweek date imagine trying to plan a holiday or moving in together. (He’s not the caravan guy, is he..?)

RealisticSketch · 14/04/2021 18:12

I would have a calm conversation with him that goes along the lines of... I really like you and have enjoyed the last 7 months, I'd like it to develop into a deeper partnership and would if you'd like that too, let me know what you think (sounds like the kind of person who needs time to mull that over.
If he says he would like that too, tell him that in your opinion for the relationship to become something more then you need to let each other into more of each others lives and can be see that happening in any way... His answers will tell you what you need to know and if he wants those things but just hasn't given any thought as to how it can possibly happen it will allow him to see that he is going to need to flex. It is the combination of how much he can/can't flex and how much he does/doesn't want a deeper relationship which he might need a nudge to think about it

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems

wheresmymojo · 14/04/2021 18:16

@Lockdownbear

Odd, does he have custody of his kids during the week? Sounds odd to me, I don't believe anyone works to 8/9 pm every night unless he doesn't start until lunchtime. Very occasionally maybe but not regularly.

There are plenty of people who don't get home from work until 8/9pm on a regular basis.

Like pretty much everyone who works in the City outside of COVID times.

I did it myself for years.

Namechange1067949 · 14/04/2021 18:22

@Lockdownbear

you really don’t believe some people work long hours?

Cheeseandlobster · 14/04/2021 18:23

Who is caravan man? And I have just found a glitterball. Is this new?

VioletCharlotte · 14/04/2021 19:41

I do understand where he's coming from as I'd be exactly the same. But that's one of the many reasons I don't date. I don't think he's being unreasonable. But equally you're not being unreasonable to decide this isn't for you and to move on.

Alsohuman · 14/04/2021 19:50

but most people would want to live together eventually and join homes

We did live together in one home. He worked too far away to commute every day and neither of us could change jobs. The point I was making was that it’s entirely possible to have a committed relationship without being in each other’s pockets.

BakeOffRewatch · 14/04/2021 20:01

@NotMyBuscuit if you do break up with him, I wouldn’t get too hung up on Dated so long to find someone I liked and now I have it seems stuck.. You don’t really know him, he’s presented a very select, best face part of him, down to acceptable days. 7 months is a long time, but you haven’t experienced much breadth of him, maybe if it had been 2 weekend dates and 1 day date you wouldn’t have liked him so much. My view is it’s a bit unfair of him to string you out like that without sharing more of himself, if he’s interested in a serious long term relationship.

Robin233 · 14/04/2021 20:32

Have you asked about this in a different thread?
Just seems very familiar.

Sceptre86 · 15/04/2021 21:04

I had similar when I first started dating dh. He worked regular office hours and would text me at all times of day and I would respond whilst commuting or on my lunch break. My shifts varied though and when I was doing a 9-9 I wouldn't get home till 10.30pm and had no interest in talking to him or anyone. I would eat and sleep. He found it difficult to get used to at first but my work depended on different pharmacy opening times and wasn't going to change so he either got used to it or had to decide it wasn't for him. He ended up sticking around, we have been married for 7 years, have 2 kids and are expecting our 3rd. My work pattern became more stable when we got married and I started and finished at similar times to him. That was my decision because I wanted to have a better work life balance.

It really depends on whether he would want to change his working hours, if he doesn't then fair enough. What you can decide is whether that works for you and if it doesn't, then opt out.

spikyplants2021 · 15/04/2021 22:45

Move in with him, basically, and most likely do the cooking in the evenings unless you want to live on ready meals. @MissingCoffeeandWine pretty much describes it.

FlipFlapFlop1980 · 16/04/2021 08:04

My plother half is a teacher and he was working all the time. When we were dating he was often like "sorry, I can't see you, I'm working". I found it frustrating as he seemed to work alot.

Several years on with two kiddies he doesn't lift a finger in the house, works 6 days a week and us barely ever 'there'. Even in the holidays he is not 'there'. He's a bloody workaholic.

The kids aren't that connected to him. They are used to barely seeing him so I shoulder almost everything despite working 20 hours a week too.

Run for the hills I say.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 16/04/2021 08:07

how old is he?
doesnt seem too odd to me

FlipFlapFlop1980 · 16/04/2021 08:09

As far as he's concerned, he works 60 hours a week so I gave to pick up the slack by doing ALL of the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, medical appointments (of which there are many), birthday parties, Christmas. 95% of the child rearing too. Our kids have additional needs so I only get about 5 hours sleep on average each night. He will never take time off for appointments for the kids.

So even in his 13 weeks of hols, he still thinks that all of that is my responsibility because he still 'works'.

Then he wonders why the kids only want their Mum and be we really want to go out with him alone.

RampantIvy · 16/04/2021 08:13

@Robin233

Have you asked about this in a different thread? Just seems very familiar.

I thought so too.

Lockdownbear · 16/04/2021 08:20

you really don’t believesomepeople work long hours?

No I don't believe that anyone can keep up doing 13/14 hours 5 days week in week out before they collapse with exhaustion or have a breakdown with the stress.

But the Op has moved on from that point.
But there again he said he couldn't see her this weekend.
Does he have kids or other commitments that he's not telling her about?

Lockdownbear · 16/04/2021 08:26

Sorry I think I might have mixed up my threads but I'll stand by what I said especially in days of WFH and no commute.

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