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Original poster

Flaky friends... Why are people like this?

54 replies

Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 07:49

A very good and old friend of mine who I haven't seen in ages (due to the pandemic plus years of her flakiness) messaged me last week to arrange to meet up today at a park and she has just cancelled. I have another friend who does this. When either of them arrange anything I always know they're going to do this to me. Why do I bother? The thing is, it's usually them who contact me to arrange to meet up, so it's not like I'm the one pushing for it, then they cancel at the last minute. No reason, just sorry, can't make it anymore. We can find something else to do, it's fine, but it's just annoying as we could have made other plans with someone more reliable and my DC are disappointed they won't see their friends (DC of my friend). I was in two minds whether to tell my DC what we had planned today because this friend has form for this. I only told them yesterday, really wish I hadn't.

I want to know why people do this? I have a busy life but I manage to stick to plans I make 99 percent of the time. I really like these two friends as people but I'm just so sick of being treated like this.

What should I do? Just put up with it, like I have been for years and always know that any plans with these people are more than likely not going to happen? Or stop making plans with them?

OP posts:

BigTallyWacker · 12/04/2021 07:56

I’d stop making plans with them personally. Life is too short for wasting time and energy on “friends” who treat you like this and make you feel upset.

Ladybigbeach · 12/04/2021 07:57

As awful as this is, you are not a priority to them. If you were they would turn up.

Nonmaquillee · 12/04/2021 07:59

Don't make plans with them any more.

Original poster

Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 07:59

Both good points. I've stopped making plans with them for this reason but what do I do when they send me messages saying they really miss me and when am I free to meet up...

OP posts:

Original poster

Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 08:03

I have plans to meet my other flaky friend in a couple of weeks (plans instigated by her) and feel tempted to cancel on the basis of how this other friends has just made me feel, is that silly?

OP posts:

WalterandWinifred · 12/04/2021 08:04

Anxiety. I recognise it in other 'flaky' friends who make plans and cancel last minute. It's possible they really want to meet you (hence making plans) but when it comes to it they are overwhelmed and can't face going out. Maybe not always the case but it's definitely more common that is spoken about, in my friends and family anyway.

drpet49 · 12/04/2021 08:05

I hate this. It is so rude. Don’t bother with them anymore.

LeonoraFlorence · 12/04/2021 08:06

It could be anxiety but it’s still rubbish for you!
I think if you do decide to meet again, don’t tell the kids. It’s a shame to disappoint them. Hope you have a good day anyway.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 12/04/2021 08:06

I think I'd be quite blunt if this is a repeat offender. Reply with "thanks for letting me know. I'm frustrated that I could have seen other friends but said no to them as I was seeing you. This seems to be a pattern in your behaviour."

Sceptre86 · 12/04/2021 08:07

That is where you respond but the last couple of times you have arranged something and failed to turn up with no apology! Be more direct.

I wouldn't cancel in the day unless I was ill or one of the kids or something more serious had happened, not just because I didn't feel like it.

You should address it otherwise it will keep happening. I would let this friendship fall to the wayside

twilightcafe · 12/04/2021 08:08

Tell them the truth. What do you have to lose by being honest? They make arrangements and then blow you out at the last minute. It's upsetting you and your DC, and wasting everyone's time. it's also damn rude

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 12/04/2021 08:11

I have a lovely friend, and she is a good friend, who does this. It is infuriating! BUT I don’t think she does it to annoy me (mh struggles) so I put up with it because I like her friendship more. I have some very reliable friends who never do this so I can handle it with one. I feel your pain, not much advice except when it has been really important to me I am very clear that she is not allowed to cancel on me under any circumstances and it works. But we have a friendship where you can say stuff like that.

Billythecandlestickmaker · 12/04/2021 08:14

Cut then out. Sounds extreme, I know, but that's what I did.
They arranged something. Didn't show up, no good reason, happened numerous times.
I just went totally grey rock on those people and now don't have that kind of problem anymore.

The one friend I have that I really wanted to keep, I didnt skirt around the issue, when cancelled I didnt reply, she attempted to get in touch several times and I didnt reply (I was too annoyed)
Eventually, when I did respond I told her it was unacceptable and if we were going to stay friends then this couldn't keep happening.

Happy to report its been better since.

It's either drop them, or tell them in no uncertain terms that how your are being treated isn't fair.

Aprilshowersandhail · 12/04/2021 08:16

Next time stand her up. Just say you assumed she would cancel so you didn't bother..
My friend usually cancelled because he twat ex needed something..

roguetomato · 12/04/2021 08:17

Isn't that because of bad weather? Cancelling a meet at park early morning after realizing it will be cold and horrible, I don't blame your friend.

Tallybo · 12/04/2021 08:19

@WalterandWinifred

Yes I used to do this I am ashamed to say, and rightfully lost many friends along the way. When I made plans I genuinely wanted to go, and used to be excited until the day itself. Once I addressed my anxiety (which came to a head for other reasons), I haven't done it since.

Original poster

Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 08:21

Both are really close and old friends who I love spending time with when it actually happens so I'm not sure I can cut them out. The one I'm meeting in a couple of weeks I have called out about her flakiness in the past and she improved for a bit but since having DC she has got bad again. I'm wondering whether to cancel on her but I really do want to see her. It's so hard. Today's friend I haven't called her out on this behaviour before but if she does this again I will.

OP posts:

hollywoodstar · 12/04/2021 08:23

I’ve had this and made the decision to not tell my son when we were supposed to meet as he would be sad when he didn’t see his friend. No real advice as there are many reasons why it might be happening. In the end it turned out I was on the slow road to being ghosted. Hope it’s not this for you.

Original poster

Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 08:24

I don't think it's anxiety, I think they are both just chaotic and disorganised people to be honest.

OP posts:

abc4321 · 12/04/2021 08:24

I could have written your post word for word. I have a lovely friend, she sends the "missing you, let's get together soon" texts. 90% of the time we organise to meet up, something crops up and she cancels. I understand that kids are ill or something unforeseen comes up, but these are other commitments she's chosen to accept knowing that they clash.

I vacillate between being sad at not seeing her and being angry that I've turned down other things and kept the day free for her yet again. But I'm too polite to express my frustration so I have to accept it. Ultimately it means we hardly ever see each other. I think it boils down to how you organise your life - whether you stick to arrangements if you can, or you're happy to cancel one arrangement to do something different.

Cherry83 · 12/04/2021 08:28

Does either friend have a controlling DP/DH? My ExH would make it very difficult for me to go out with friends. My stress levels would be sky high and I would just give up and not go out. I thought it was my issue and blamed it on myself but the almost constant feeling of anxiety disappeared as soon as I left him.

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 12/04/2021 08:28

I never make plans with flakey people anymore

In fact, I no longer am friends with flakey people

Original poster

Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 08:29

@Hollywoodstar it's just such a strange way to go about ghosting someone... Sending them messages saying you're missing them and arranging to meet up and then cancelling at the last minute.

OP posts:

Sally872 · 12/04/2021 08:31

I would deal with the latest incident completely separately to other flaky friend who has improved a bit.

For current friend tell her "I am disappointed you have cancelled at short notice again, too late for me to arrange something with someone else. Dc are also upset as had been looking forward to it. I realise cancelling sometimes is unavoidable but you do it very regularly. I don't want to lose out friendship but I can't keep pretending this doesn't bother me"

For other friend in a few weeks. Text 48 hours before confirming plans. Making sure still going ahead as you have been really looking forward to it. But if anything has changed let me know now so I can make other plans rather than waste a day off.

Beautiful3 · 12/04/2021 08:31

Next time they ask to meet up, I'd say, "I'd love to, but you keep cancelling?!" At least it should make them think twice about cancelling next time.

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