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Original poster

Flaky friends... Why are people like this?

54 replies

Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 07:49

A very good and old friend of mine who I haven't seen in ages (due to the pandemic plus years of her flakiness) messaged me last week to arrange to meet up today at a park and she has just cancelled. I have another friend who does this. When either of them arrange anything I always know they're going to do this to me. Why do I bother? The thing is, it's usually them who contact me to arrange to meet up, so it's not like I'm the one pushing for it, then they cancel at the last minute. No reason, just sorry, can't make it anymore. We can find something else to do, it's fine, but it's just annoying as we could have made other plans with someone more reliable and my DC are disappointed they won't see their friends (DC of my friend). I was in two minds whether to tell my DC what we had planned today because this friend has form for this. I only told them yesterday, really wish I hadn't.

I want to know why people do this? I have a busy life but I manage to stick to plans I make 99 percent of the time. I really like these two friends as people but I'm just so sick of being treated like this.

What should I do? Just put up with it, like I have been for years and always know that any plans with these people are more than likely not going to happen? Or stop making plans with them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 08:34

They do but have quiet controlling DHs @Cherry83 I hadn't thought of that. But also it's exactly as @Bc4321 said, often it's that's they have made other plans knowing they clash. It really is like I'm just not that important to them, but then why keep instigating meet ups?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 08:36

@Sally872 thanks, I will do just that. Thanks 😊

OP posts:
BeyondMyWits · 12/04/2021 08:37

They do it because they can, because you will let them. I have a couple of friends like this too, I think everybody does. You just need to manage your own expectations.

I never take a "date" with them as set in stone. If something else comes up that I want to do I text and tell them and ask if our "date" is still on. The night before I also text and ask, the morning of I text and say " see you at...." Only with those friends, everyone else just generally sticks with social etiquette and turns up when they say they will.

stillcrazyafterall · 12/04/2021 08:37

Well there are a couple of options

1 the day before contact them and make sure it is still on as you have to cancel an appointment (or similar) and don't want to do that if they are going to cancel again.
2 say 'ok, but you have cancelled the last x times, this is last chance saloon' and mean it.
You can, going forward, say to them 'I am taking Jimmy to the park on Friday at 10, if you want to come' but don't make specific plans with them. (And don't mention it to Jimmy) Then Jimmy gets the park, and possibly his friends.

Greenrubber · 12/04/2021 08:38

I would just include them in plans you already have!
So if they phone and ask to meet up say yeah I will be at the park with the kids tomorrow if you would like to come
Don't go out your way or change any plans you already have! I never do this.
I will however msg my friends if I am going somewhere already to see if they would like to join me but if not it doesn't matter

Snog · 12/04/2021 08:39

I ended a friendship over this, I did talk about how my friend's behaviour affected me with her but she either didn't understand or couldn't change and eventually it was annoying me so much that I stopped seeing her.

I think she just thought I was behaving weirdly when I told her I wasn't going to make any more arrangements to meet up.

I still miss her 2 years later and I'm not sure if ending the friendship was for the best or not.

janlevinson · 12/04/2021 08:40

Could be all manner of reasons. Last minute cancelling is a feature of extreme anxiety. Sending rude messages and/or cutting them out of your life isn't going to help this.
Do they give a reason for cancelling?
Maybe asking them if everything is ok would be a start.

CanICelebrate · 12/04/2021 08:40

How close are you to the friends? Are they new friends?

I’m a very attentive friend to my closest friends but admit I’m a bit flaky with other friends as I don’t have the time of energy to maintain lots of friendships and I struggle to know what to say/do if people want to make friends and I don’t.
I have a couple of people/ friends in my life who keep trying to make plans with me and I really can’t be bothered to see them due to being so busy with family, work and other friends who I really want to see. I agree eventually out of guilt and I know I appear flaky for putting it off (I don’t cancel plans I just put off or ignore).
I don’t know how to say ‘I don’t have time for this friendship’ without sounding hurtful, especially as these people will know how often I see my closest friends (when covid allows!)

On the other hand I wouldn’t want a ‘friend’ to only see me out of duty. I have been ghosted but I just assume they are not that interested in friendship with me which is sad but realistic. If a very close friend ghosted me that would be different.

TedMullins · 12/04/2021 08:41

You can’t be annoyed if you’re not willing to call them out (that’s not aimed only at the OP, but anyone saying they have a friend like this but are ‘too polite’ to say anything). It’s rude and unacceptable - I’m a disorganised person with MH issues but I manage not to do this. Everyone has to cancel occasionally but 90% of the time? No. But you either confront them or put up with it, don’t just seethe behind their back.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/04/2021 08:46

I have a small group of friends that I've had for about 25 years now. One of them always does this. We do do stuff together and if anyone else makes the plan it usually goes ahead, but one friend ALWAYS cancels, and if it hasn't been her idea, you can just about guarantee she won't come. Now whenever she suffers we do anything, we all take it with a pinch of salt and just assume it's not happening because she will never mention it again. It's weird, but we've just learned to not be too bothered.

Arrierttyclock · 12/04/2021 08:47

I had a "friend" like this once, I moved about 4 hours away and whenever I was coming down we'd arrange to meet and she'd always always cancel last minute. Then she cancelled coming to my hen party because she said she had an operation then photos were uploaded of her on a night out. Then she cancelled coming to my wedding as she wasn't bridesmaid. She's since cancelled going to her nephews christening as she wasn't godmother. Most selfish person I've ever met in my life.

I'd call your friend up on it

roguetomato · 12/04/2021 08:53

Seriously, someone cancelling a meet at park on snowy day, you cut them off? Or is it a beautiful weather where you live?

hollywoodstar · 12/04/2021 08:55

[quote Tianatiers]@Hollywoodstar it's just such a strange way to go about ghosting someone... Sending them messages saying you're missing them and arranging to meet up and then cancelling at the last minute.[/quote]
Yes it is. In my case I think it was a case of trying to make me give up rather than her just ending it. Sounds to me, in your case that she has found ‘better’ things to do and you are the easiest to ditch. Perhaps making her realise that you don’t like it might be a good way forward ?

stuckinarutatwork · 12/04/2021 08:58

In future, I would just invite them to join in your existing plans or make a plan that can go ahead with or without them and don't tell the kids. That way you still have a nice day regardless of whether they come or not.

Flaky friend: "Can we catch up on Monday"
You: "We're going to Oakland Woods / Marine Beach for a picnic on Monday - it would be lovely if you could join us".

SatNightFever · 12/04/2021 09:01

She’s one of those people who wants the kudos/ brownie points for ‘thinking of you’ , but can’t be bothered going out in the cold to actually see you.
I knew someone who would invite herself over to my house on a regular basis and then not turn up! When I rang she’d be out in a shopping mall or somewhere and ‘ completely forgot’.
After legging it home from work one day to yet again sit staring at 2 empty coffee cups, I just gave up on her .

Schoolchoicesucks · 12/04/2021 09:02

Can you plan things in future that will be fun for you & the kids whether she turns up or not? As long as they don't involve you booking stuff for her (and being out of pocket if she doesn't).

Original poster
Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 09:03

@CanICelebrate they are both very close and old friends who I love spending time with. I generally like doing my own thing and don't often instigate meet ups with friends, so it is pretty much always other people who instigate meet ups with me. I hate letting people down so I always stick to plans once made, even if I don't feel like it or it's inconvenient for me. I only cancel if somebody's ill or something major happens.

@jenlevinson today's friend didn't give a reason for cancelling and I was so disappointed I didn't think to ask if everything was OK, I really should have. She asked if we could rearrange for another day and I gave her another option and she just hasn't replied. I don't know what's going on there but if she replies I'll say "are you definitely sure because..." and address this once and for all.

Thanks for all your replies they've been really helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 09:11

@roguetomato it's a beautiful day here. I'm still going to do the thing at arranged to do just without meeting her and her DC there so it really isn't a problem. It's just that this is a repeating pattern with this friend and I want to understand why people do this to "friends"

OP posts:
Tal45 · 12/04/2021 09:19

I have a friend like this. What I try to do now is arrange to see her with another mutual friend who is reliable, then if the flaky one doesn't turn up it's her loss and doesn't affect me so much as I will still be seeing reliable friend.
I think my friend likes to feel like she has lots of plans and things to do, but then when the time comes she'd rather do something else or just can't be bothered.

IdblowJonSnow · 12/04/2021 09:20

I have 2 friends who do this too. I ignored them both for several months. Eventually saw them again. It was better for a bit and then old ways...! When I do see them we have a brilliant time, that's what makes it difficult to ditch them!

When I see them I dont keep a day free, it's more like an hour free. If I'm honest I sometimes cancel on them at the last if it's no longer convenient, which is something I would very rarely do with others!

ElderMillennial · 12/04/2021 09:23

OP I have had friends like this and I've stopped making plans with them.

I think some people just don't realise that it's rude to make plans and break them and that it's not a case of making a plan and then just deciding on the day whether you feel like it or deciding to take up a "better" offer.

SubCoral · 12/04/2021 09:26

I’ve had friends where this happens. I think you need to not take what they plan as a definite arrangement.

I now only meet one of my friends at my house when it’s convenient for her to come over for a play date. Then it doesn’t matter if she cancels last minute. She’s an NCT friend, who is the most chaotic, ditsy person you’ll ever meet. She genuinely ends up in situations where she will decide to toilet train her toddler, take no extra supplies out and he’ll poo all over the car seat, or her dog escapes as she didn’t shut the back gate or she locks herself out and the kids are inside. She’s had 2 car accidents when I’ve been out with her by driving into a bollard or low wall whilst parking. These issues are all her own, so I keep our friendship light and breezy, as she’s massively unreliable.

Another (also NCT) makes plans to meet up far in advance and then a couple of weeks ahead will cancel as she has now decided to see her family then instead. She does it to others in our group, so it isn’t personal, we just know that her priority will be her family’s availability first. Which is weird, as she also always complains about them and how they never helped etc when her DC were born.

Remember the sayings that friends are for life, a reason or a season. For me, these friends are seasonal (whilst our DC are very young). If I move etc, they aren’t friendships I’d maintain.

Crosstrainer · 12/04/2021 09:31

I think my friend likes to feel like she has lots of plans and things to do, but then when the time comes she'd rather do something else or just can't be bothered.

I think this is it for a lot of these types of people. Next time she asks, I’d be a bit non-commital and suggest she calls you on the day to see if you’re both still free.

Original poster
Tianatiers · 12/04/2021 09:41

@Tal45

I have a friend like this. What I try to do now is arrange to see her with another mutual friend who is reliable, then if the flaky one doesn't turn up it's her loss and doesn't affect me so much as I will still be seeing reliable friend. I think my friend likes to feel like she has lots of plans and things to do, but then when the time comes she'd rather do something else or just can't be bothered.
This rings true about my flaky friends too and like someone said up thread, they feel it's OK to ditch me if something better comes up which is not OK! I'll definitely take this advice once we're allowed to meet more than one household out and about.
OP posts:
Norwaydidnthappen · 12/04/2021 09:47

I had a friend like this once. She used to plan things then sometimes cancel on the day, the worst was about 2 hours before we were set to meet. I was once at the hairdressers when I overheard my hairdresser complaining about a woman called -friend’s name- who had just cancelled an appointment on the day for the second time running and how unfair it was to do this to someone self employed. I asked her whether it was my friend and she said yes so I knew in that instant that it wasn’t exclusive to me. I gave up on her in the end, couldn’t be bothered with the hassle.

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