Living vicariously through your kids (light hearted)

[Sweetcheekblues]

So I have 3 DDs 10, 7 & 4 yo, today I got my 10 & 7yos to agree that I can not only pick their wedding dresses out but I get to be their wedding planners, apparently I can pick EVERYTHING for them when they get married. My 10 year old has said for years she’s not interested in getting married or having children but if it shuts me up she will get married just so I can plan it 😆 When I asked my 4 yo her response was NO, so I’m thinking ok 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

10 year olds only condition is I pay for everything. 7 yo says she wants to pay because she’s going to be rich and pay for me when she’s older anyway.

I’m thinking of getting them to put in writing in case they change their minds, do you think I could get them to stick to it when they are older?

By the way I’ve totally already got all 3 weddings fully planned out in my head, as well as that, I’ve started a wedding folder for them to add bits to as they grow up. I can’t wait to be a mother of the bridezilla and if I’m lucky I will get to do it three times 😂

Anyone else out there who likes to live vicariously through their kids?

Good God that sounds full-on. I do hope you're joking!

The only time I think I've lived vicariously is when DD2 got cast as Mary in the school Nativity. I was quietly THRILLED because it was my dream as a child but I was always the narrator.

I suppose this is tongue in cheek but blimey. Far too much focus on marriage being the aim in life. Your poor daughters will feel pressured to meet a man and marry won't they? I mean it's not a necessity in life.

I think big weddings are a complete waste of money

It's alright to joke about with your girls and discuss imaginary weddings. They're only little. However, I'm cringing about your wedding folder.

@FortunesFave

Good God that sounds full-on. I do hope you're joking!

The only time I think I've lived vicariously is when DD2 got cast as Mary in the school Nativity. I was quietly THRILLED because it was my dream as a child but I was always the narrator.

I was the inn keeper. And not even the inn keeper who accepts Mary and Joseph and let's them into the stable, but one who refuses them! What a shit role. My daughter hasn't done any nativities yet, but yeah, I'm definitely hoping for Mary. If she ends up cast as the bitchy inn keeper I'll be devastated.

Bloody hell. That’s not light hearted OP!

Yeah, I know you’re being lighthearted but I thought the same as SmileyClare. Behind the ‘joke’ is an unhealthy focus on getting married.

Maybe tell your daughters you'd be equally happy to pay for their honours degree in microbiology and if they wanted to devote their life to scientific research, travel the world and retire with five cats you'd be just as proud? Just to balance things out a bit.

Yes, this is one of those ‘jokes’ that tells you a lot about the priorities in someone’s headspace.

OP, if you’re going to live vicariously through your children, at least do it via something more interesting.

Then they will grow up and be completely disinterested in marriage or babies or whatever and you will be so disappointed or you will become overbearing. I am sure you had a bit of fun with the conversation as it happened. Now forget it and let your children grow up in peace!

Wow, though my dd does make me watch episodes of say yes to the dress with her - she's a young adult and has a long term boyfriend so more imminent I suspect that @Sweetcheekblues ! My dd has also made me promise she can choose MY dress if I remarry (my suggestion we could use the same one to save money didn't go down well!)

I wouldn't advise my daughters to do a microbiology degree. I have a degree, a PhD and multiple peer reviewed papers and the best job I can get is in a two year contract for about 35k.

Had I done an engineering degree, not bothered my arse about a PhD and got a job (ie what my husband did), I'd have a permanent position in a company with clear progression and earn three times my current salary.

Do your DDs understand that you are joking, OP? Children don’t always “get” humour.
It would be dreadful if they internalised your apparent obsession with marriage as the only desirable future for females. You sound like a mother from the 18th century.
Please stop! Encourage their academic, creative and sporting interests instead. Discuss possible future careers. Treat them as intelligent human beings, not wedding fodder.

Are you Mrs Bennett?

My DDs used to talk about their weddings when they were small. Both are adults now. DD1 is in a LTR and has said they are unlikely to marry. They have decided to prioritise their money and are currently buying a house together. DD2 is younger and in her first serious relationship. She is so independent I really can't see her marrying. I guess what I am saying is that they change a lot in their views as they get older.

@GCAcademic

Are you Mrs Bennett?

In fairness to Mrs Bennet, she was operating in a world where she and her five daughters had no capacity to earn their own money and would become homeless and almost income-less the moment her husband died. Her obsession with marrying off her daughters had a sound economic basis, unlike the OP's. Unless she's a Regency time traveller.

Have you always been a control freak who limits ambition for your daughters ?

Fair point about the degree in microbiology. Although studying something you love isn't always with a goal of earning lots of money. I mean it's great, but earning power isn't the only measure of success/fulfilment.

Op perhaps you could consider venturing into the wedding market as a career? and give your girls a break You obviously have a passion for all things wedding party related. Perhaps running a bridal dress shop or setting up as a planner could be your dream?

Yep I don’t find this lighthearted at all.

If you had boys would you be saying the same to them? Thought not.

Getting married should not be a female’s end goal in life.

I made my son aware at a very early age that King's College Cambridge had choral scholarships

I now vacillate between immensely proud and insanely jealous, so be careful what you wish for...

I never had hobbies as a kid - youngest of a very large family so there was never the time, space or money. I think childhood is such a perfect time to explore all the different interests you could possibly have, you don't know until you try and school can only cover so much. I really need to rein in the urge to enroll my kids in everything going!! I have set limits so they aren't completely exhausted, especially as they are still so young. But my daughter is starting gymnastics next week and I'm very excited for her.

DD is currently desperate to learn to ride, she asks me every day (at least half a dozen times) when she's going to the stables, when she'll have a lesson, when we'll get her a pony.

I've never ridden and because of back problems I doubt I ever will, but I'm indulging her with riding because I wish it was something I'd done.

lachy mine is the same, I never rode as a kid despite obsession with ponies, so I take my DC to riding lessons & dressage competitions & showjumping competitions & riding camp etc etc!

I found your post funny op

@CarrieCat

I found your post funny op

Thank you, I did wonder how much grief I’d get about talking marriage with my DDs 🙄

🙄 yes it’s tongue in cheek, I never got the big white wedding I always dreamed off where I had a whole day where the attention was on me and money wasn’t an issue so I want my DDs to never have to worry about that. Given the amount of criticism Mumsnetters throw at people for not putting a ring on it when it comes to separation I find some comments rather double standard.

Just for clarification, yes my DDs do know I’m joking, they have a very quick sense of humour which is why my 10 yo who has no desire to get married and said she would do it to shut me up if I paid, she did this with a shrug and a roll of the eyes.

They don’t need encouragement to travel the world, they have probably already seen and lived in more countries than most of you. Both DH & I have done lots of globe trotting, our DDs all know the world is open to them. They also have multiple citizenships and passports giving them access to more countries than anyone just travelling on a British passport.

As for education, my 10yo wants to study sciences, she’s not sure what field yet, she’d love to be a mathematician, but also loves physics and chemistry, she’s felt like this for at least 3 years. Microbiology not a chance, her dad who has a degree in microbiology dosnt want her doing this he would rather she did something else, but ultimately her choice. Right now all she cares about given she’s only 10 is that what ever she dose dosnt stop her playing sports. She is very competitive when it comes to sport and has never lost a race at sports days even beating the boys and pre covid was excelling in all her after school activities. So I really don’t think I’ve done anything wrong with her.

My 7 yo a completely different story, given they are individuals who have been brought up to be themselves it’s not surprising. She wants to either be a artist and/or YouTube star, neither I would ever discourage. I don’t care is she becomes a cleaner if it makes her happy. But given her goal is to be rich I will have a conversation with her at a later stage about that.

My 4yo I’m fairly certain is constantly plotting to rule the world. I will give it a few more years before I start to worry about her succeeding in that.

Ok, dose that satisfy everyone that I’m not selling my DDs off like some 18th century commodity...

I never got the big white wedding I always dreamed off where I had a whole day where the attention was on me and money wasn’t an issue so I want my DDs to never have to worry about that. Given the amount of criticism Mumsnetters throw at people for not putting a ring on it when it comes to separation I find some comments rather double standard.

You grasp, do you, that what Mn advocates is a legal contract that can cost a couple of hundred pounds at a register office, and which offers some measure of protection to women whose earning capacity is potentially negatively impacted by childbearing, rather than 'the big white wedding' you're clearly still dreaming of?