Need to get it all off my chest to anyone willing to listen

[dragonrabbit]

I need to vent. I'm just locked in my room I can't stop crying

I'm in full hate myself mode, I mean I can't find a single thing I like about myself right now, and I've really tried hard but I just can't. I just came on my period, it's been a year of trying and I feel my body is failing, my own fault because I don't take care of my body, I'm 40 years old, fat, ugly, I probably drink too much, I've got a fucking coldsore, my internal organs are aching and I am so tired and fucking bored of it all. Poor DP doesn't know what to do with me, I'm irritable and horrible and he hates when I hate myself, he says I'm beautiful and wonderful so I can't tell him anymore as we just go around in circles, I've got no one to turn to.

Feel like just going back on the pill so I don't have to go through this every month. I'm in physical and emotional pain. I have a child already, why be greedy.

Can't breathe, I need help to get out of this and my therapy isn't until Tues

hugs I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m also having difficulty conceiving so I know how you feel. Please don’t be hard on yourself, I know it’s hard to keep positive but remember your body needs to be calm and stress free for it to work properly. Stress has been the main reason I haven’t ovulated or conceived for the past year because im going through some hard times with no one to turn to. Stress and worry will impact your fertility and health, plus you never get anywhere seeing things in a negative light it just makes things worse. Concentrate on improving your health, speak to people you’re close to so you can let out your feelings, go for a long walk and clear your mind, perhaps take a break in your next cycle. You will get a baby and it will be worth the wait, but you need to keep positive and take care of yourself first and foremost. It sounds like you have a great partner, let him help you. Don’t give up. If you need to vent any time feel free to pm me.

Hi @Ifonly86
My DP has run me a bath and put out all my pampering goodies, he knows I love a daytime bath. I'm feeling a bit better. I didn't have a drink the night before last, and only 1 glass last night so that's an improvement I guess.

Just not sure how to stop this self hatred thing.

@dragonrabbit The turn around in the self loathing won't be instantaneous and it isn't a straight forward journey. It's the small changes each day and sense of achievement that will eventually get you over the line to feeling alright or even good most of the time.

Secondary infertility is totally a thing and you're not greedy to want another child. Have you sought advice from your GP. They can run some standard tests to check out hormone levels and what not and refer you on if something need fixing.

I'm also on my own TTC journey and its years long, so I understand how you feel. Vent on here. That's what Mumsnet is for x

I'm sorry you are feeling this way but how wonderful to have the partner you do; he sounds really supportive and gives a lot of hope to your situation.

You need to want to change what you hate about yourself so pick one thing and do it. Then another and keep going. It's trite but I can't help thinking of Bridesmaids and that great line 'You're your problem, Annie, but you're also your solution.' She chose to face everything she'd been avoiding and running from and it helped.

If you can recognise the things you're putting off or worrying about, pick one and start the ball rolling. I'm an awful procrastinator and it's what I have to do. Invariably once I've started I think 'Why the F didn't I do this ages ago?!'

I hope you are successful getting your second baby or can be at peace with the situation if it doesn't happen. I like CrazylazyJane's practical suggestions to check what might be influencing things.

Thank you @crazylazyjane the thing that's getting to me most today is the self loathing. I've worked incredibly hard with just under a year of therapy, to begin to love myself and respect who I am. I have been doing so, so well. I virtually stopped hating myself and even started accepting and liking my body. Its been a massive effort and I've had to be pro active to get to where I am... Only for it to all be dashed in the split second I found I had my period. I'm disappointed in and ashamed of, myself. I got back in bed and I tried hard, really hard, to find the things I love and like about myself again... But I just couldn't. It's like I went back, worse than ever before.

I struggle with even thinking about going to the GP about the fertility thing. When I came off the pill I swore I wouldn't go down that route, and that I didn't mind one way or the other. I can get obsessive about things and I just think if I went down the fertility treatment route, I would be consumed by it and it'd probably end in heartache anyway. That's why I'm thinking I should just go back on the pill. That way I won't have to deal with disappointment and physical pain and general horribleness that being on your period is.

Thank you @eugenesaxe

You're your problem, but also your solution... Yes!! Brings to mind one of my mantras... "you had the power all along" from the wizard of oz

I am so lucky to have such a caring husband. He's just run me a bath and made me a cup of tea and I've got a hair and face mask on. We got married 2 years ago and we don't have a child together. I see what a wonderful step dad he is (and he has a child too, he's a brilliant father) and I just would love to have a child with him, it makes me sad to think it won't happen. But I've got over worse than this in my life...

Aunt Flo rocking up is very confronting even when you know you're due on. You totally have a right to feel upset. I think there is merit in going back on the pill. It takes away the whole 'could it be this month' build up to your period and it gives you a chance to breath - I actually think I kind of hold my breath for the week leading up to my period, in anticipation.

What does your partner say about having a child together? Is it something he feels a strong desire for?

He would love a child with me but at the same time he is happy the way things are too. Despite the way I feel right now, we have a great life, good equilibrium, its a lovely peaceful house and we get adult time together which we love, when the kids are with their other parents. He says ultimately its my body and my choice. He doesn't like seeing me this way though and every month it gets worse. I think we will chat about going back on the pill. Deep down I don't want to but maybe it's for the best.

And yes to holding my breath the week before AF!! Sad thing is I really didn't think I minded one way or the other but now it's not happening, I do want it. Maybe a case of wanting what you can't have...

Think I downplayed my dh feelings. He does want a child with me, he randomly talks about it. But then I think he backtracks because he doesn't want to make too much of a deal, in case it doesn't happen. IYSWIM??

I love this text which always calms me and makes me wonder at the miracle of our existence. Sorry if that's a bit much for a Saturday morning but have a read. Also, thank all that is good for your wonderful husband. He chose you; don't trash his choice. We all have 'gifts' to offer whether we recognise them or not 💕

Desiderata
GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

That is an absolutely beautiful piece of writing. Thank you for positing it. Genuine thanks, I needed to read that x

IP sounds like you have made wonderful progress with self loving and self acceptance over the last year. Today you have had a dip.... but don't think the progress has all been wiped away. I am sure it hadn't. Feeling better about yourself won't be linear- but I am pretty sure you will notice the 'relapses/valleys' are less deep and shorter lived. Feels like you are already refunding yourself a little...

I am really glad you are having a bath and doing caring things for yourself (with your wonderful DP's help!).... you deserve to be gentle with yourself. You've had a real disappointment today and are feeling really down. I'm pretty sure if this was a fried you'd wrap them in your arms and just love them..... let yourself feel that for you...

Wishing you lots of self-kindness.....,

And yes to not trashing his choice. That's what he tells me all the time. He says "that's my wife you're talking about" whenever I insult myself. I know it hurts him.

How much is the too much drinking? ( asking kindly)

Thank you @bravegoldie I will give myself an "inside hug" as I call them. Yes I'm feeling a bit better and have been able to reach that part of me that has love myself. Just a bit. But that's progress from earlier on so... Progress xx

Great!! Some from me too: 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Drinking. Tbh it differs each week.

Most weeks I will drink a bottle of wine a night. Last week I binged because I didn't have the kids and it was my birthday and I saw some friends, first time since lockdown. Since Wednesday I have only had one glass of wine, that was yesterday evening. Occasionally I will force myself to not drink, the longest was for a month but that was HARD. Its not often I won't have at least one glass of something every evening. If it's wine, I usually drink the whole bottle (although I didn't last night) but can stop at one G&T

It's all over the place really.

Thank you @bravegoldie x

Amazing @dragonrabbit to go so quickly from the hatred to refunding that love. So instead of feeling worried you’re back to square one- just see that the previous behaviour was pretty deeply ingrained so it’s normal to plunge back in on the odd occasion (eg period starting!) but look how quickly you got out again- you didn’t get stuck in there and swim around or drown- you fell in the deep end and were thrown a wee life saver belt from hubby that you TOOK and you swam- yes YOU- back to the shallows where you can float again.

You are doing well. This is just a blip. You don’t need your therapy to save you- you can use your therapy to reflect and see how much you’re changing and growing.

TTC is fucking awful. I too had to ttc when I already had children. I figured I had kids so I’d be able to be “meh” about it and not mind either way and “just see what happens each month”... erm no way. I got the madness each month, the obsessively peeing on tests early. The symptom spotting and the imaging which month the baby would be born when I felt anything unusual. I cried every month my period arrived and raged at the injustice of two friends getting pregnant before me... it was horrible. But I did get pregnant, I think it was perhaps month 9/10. I honestly can’t recall now. But it was hard. So that’s also “normal”.

@dragonrabbit just seen your update re drinking. That’s really more concerning tbh and something you need to discuss with your therapist about stopping. It will make you depressed and impact seriously on both your health and your ability to conceive. Please seek advice about safely stopping- from your local alcohol cessation service.

xxx to you

@isadora2007your post made me cry a little. Good tears. Yes, I took that life raft. I did it. Yes, this is a blip. Thank you for validating that. YY to the madness each month! And I'm glad you managed it after a long time, maybe hope for me yet.

And yes @littleoverwhelmed it does feel a little like self sabotage. I really need to cut drinking and lose weight. And yes to enjoying what I already have. Thank you for reminding me xxx

Have a think about not what you drink but why. Is it a love of wine or the effect of the wine? If it's a love of wine, maybe try just decent sized glass of something extravagant and delicious each evening. If it's the effect that drives your need then the question is what are you masking and how effective is the wine in doing so. Above all be gentle with yourself 💕

@isadora2007 my therapist knows about my drinking. She said it's common for someone with PTSD. We are working through it. We spoke about how actually in the past, alcohol probably saved me from committing suicide. In the last 9 years I have stopped taking 3 types of drugs and also cigarettes. Alcohol is the final hurdle. I don't drink half as much as I used to before I had dc. But I know it's still too much.