Need to get it all off my chest to anyone willing to listen

[dragonrabbit]

I need to vent. I'm just locked in my room I can't stop crying

I'm in full hate myself mode, I mean I can't find a single thing I like about myself right now, and I've really tried hard but I just can't. I just came on my period, it's been a year of trying and I feel my body is failing, my own fault because I don't take care of my body, I'm 40 years old, fat, ugly, I probably drink too much, I've got a fucking coldsore, my internal organs are aching and I am so tired and fucking bored of it all. Poor DP doesn't know what to do with me, I'm irritable and horrible and he hates when I hate myself, he says I'm beautiful and wonderful so I can't tell him anymore as we just go around in circles, I've got no one to turn to.

Feel like just going back on the pill so I don't have to go through this every month. I'm in physical and emotional pain. I have a child already, why be greedy.

Can't breathe, I need help to get out of this and my therapy isn't until Tues

I love the taste of a food wine. Love it.

But I'd be lying if I said the numbness it bring isn't a relief. I've experienced historical trauma since childhood and also some recent trauma and have been diagnosed with PSTD. Like I said I used to drink a WHOLE lot more (when I conceived my child I was bad) but I have improved so much over the years

I fully comprehend the struggle with drinking.It is a national obsession.

It's an addiction for sure. It's been the one constant since I was 15. It's almost like a reliable friend to me. I don't get drunk all the time... A bottle of wine hardly touches the sides really. Just gives me a nice bit of numbness and good feeling. It doesn't effect my relationships or work or being a mum. But I know it's destroying my insides and I know I depend on it too much.

@dragonrabbit so your alcohol served you well when you needed it. But now you don’t. Again- believe that you don’t need it to help you any more as it’s actually hurting you. You dont need the numbing any more because you have other tools and other support and
You
Are
Enough.

You-as you are. Not drunk you. Or numb you. You.

You wonderful amazing human. Now thank the drink for the help over the tough times and let it go. It’s in your past and not your future. Your future is happy and busy and loved.

Best wishes to you

@isadora2007 I've read, re-read and read again, your message. I know the words are true and u so badly want them to sink in. Thank you so much.

I am going to see my family for birthday drinks in the garden later today. I know I will drink. Its a given with my family. There are ongoing issues that no one wants to talk about because its too painful... So we drink and have a laugh. I'm not sure how to break this cycle...

I think (hope) talking about it on here and again with my therapist will help. Accepting its a problem is the first step, right?

So if you were pregnant would you drink?
IS it a given? IS it a healthy place for you to be? IS it what is the right choice for your continuing good health and your journey to wellness?

Yes the first step is admitting it’s a problem-but the next step is a willingness to act. You can do this- and if you want what you say you want for your future then you need to act.
And I believe in your ability to change.

No I wouldn't drink if I was pregnant. I didn't when I was pregnant before. I hated every second of it!! But I did it. If I am perfectly honest, and that's what this thread is about, in the back of my head I know I'm thinking... Well if and when I get pregnant, I'll stop drinking, and I'll never go back.

I know how silly this sounds. I know that by continuing to drink I am scuppering my chance of getting pregnant. I know that with this attitude, pregnancy won't stop me long term and that if be back on it as soon as I give birth. I need to change my mindset.

Thank you for your vote of confidence. I also know I can do it and I will do it. This is the beginning of my journey. I've been thinking about this for a long time and only beginning to tackle it head on.

Thank you for talking to me

I just found this thread in my "watched threads" and wanted to come on and say that the following month I got pregnant 😍and I now have a beautiful baby boy! The self loathing has really eased up and I am really happy in my bubble. I wanted to thank everyone who posted on this thread, you really helped me. I still drink wine but not nearly as much because...well...baby and drunkeness / hangovers just don't mix, do they?!

Congratulations, what a lovely update!

😄💕

Fantastic!

I love updates like this. Congratulations OP

This is fantastic news. Congratulations 🎉