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Original poster

pressure to have a second baby

30 replies

pleeeeeen · 08/04/2021 16:31

have NC for this. My DS is 5. I had a shitty time having him - we both got sepsis, in hospital for 2 weeks, had pretty bad PND for a long time after. I'm only 31, in a stable marriage, no financial worries (at present). The pressure from family and friends about when I'm having another baby is unreal, plus the judgement if I say I'm not sure that I want one.

Yes I would like my DS to have a sibling but I feel like that's a crap reason to have a baby if that's the only reason, surely?! I have to actually WANT to have another baby. I have to feel reasonably confident that it wouldn't endanger my health and that I would be able to mentally and emotionally cope. Surely my first priority is to be emotionally well so that I can effectively parent and be present for the child I already have? I just keep getting told he will resent me for not "giving" him a sibling, as if the second baby is a present for the first one. I daresay he WILL resent me for something but all I can do is what I feel is best at the time.

I just get judgement and disbelief for it constantly and don't know how to shut it down. It's being suggested I am selfish and not doing what is best for my son.

I have siblings myself and I love them dearly but it is not an uncomplicated relationship. One of the most complex relationships you can have I think.

How have others dealt with this?

OP posts:

Nattalie18 · 08/04/2021 19:56

I’m in the same boat as you. My DS2 is wonderful; but I also had pnd after a very difficult birth; and a Dural puncture that had me bedridden / lying down for weeks. I’m 37 and not getting any younger but I also wonder if I’m cut out for it all again! From another perspective too I am an only child and I don’t resent my parents one single bit for not having a sibling, I had a lovely childhood... and had lots of school friends and play dates as well as Neighbors kids and family friends to keep me entertained. As you say too; there’s no guarantees they will be close anyways. It’s a tough situation isn’t it

Original poster

pleeeeeen · 08/04/2021 21:20

thank you. it's just so hard to be made to feel like you are doing something terrible.

OP posts:

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 08/04/2021 21:21

Yes I would like my DS to have a sibling but I feel like that's a crap reason to have a baby if that's the only reason, surely?!

Yes indeed, you're exactly right. Besides which, with a five year age gap they won't be able to play with each other anyway.

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Families

Brokenrecord3006 · 08/04/2021 21:31

I have one child and I'm being asked when we will have our second (we're not) and I just tell people that I have better things to do than keep popping out children. No-one so far as really known how to respond so they drop it.

Original poster

pleeeeeen · 08/04/2021 21:54

Besides which, with a five year age gap they won't be able to play with each other anyway.

Have to say that I actually don't think this is necessarily the case - 5 years and 8 years between my sisters and I and we always played together.

OP posts:

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 08/04/2021 22:09

@pleeeeeen

Besides which, with a five year age gap they won't be able to play with each other anyway.

Have to say that I actually don't think this is necessarily the case - 5 years and 8 years between my sisters and I and we always played together.

Were you the younger?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/04/2021 22:13

People are so bloody interfering and insensitive. How do they know you've not been trying for 3 years and you're not putting up a pretence.

How childre people decide to have or not have is no one else's business. Are going to be pacing the floor with the baby at 2.AM when they're screaming with colic.

murbblurb · 08/04/2021 22:16

It is nothing to do with family and 'friends' - who are not friends if they behave like this. Appalling thing to say to you. Shut down the discussion, and if they still go on cut contact.

Bomchiccawick · 08/04/2021 22:27

I get the same OP. I didn’t have anything traumatic happen to either me or DS but honestly I just don’t feel like I enjoy being a parent as much as everyone else around me. It doesn’t come naturally and I find it quite stressful. I love DS dearly and I just think having another child would make me a miserable, snappy mum. I’m not close to my brother even though there is only a two year age gap so that’s a rubbish excuse anyway. But we also get the pressure from others, it’s horrible and it’s always directed at me rather than my DH. No help sorry OP but just solidarity that I get similar comments

Bramblecrumble · 08/04/2021 22:28

I'm here for solidarity. You could be me in 2 years (I'm 29 with a 2 year old) but it's happening allready...I feel like the pressure will increase but also....I do kind of want a baby but mostly not. Maybe in two years I will. I have accepted a new exciting job. A collegue said, oh, but I thought you would have another child. Another collegue said something similar when I said how lovely Easter was and little annoying quirks of my daughter. The hardest part is my husband wants another baby, he's a great dad. I have two big reasons I don't want to get pregnant and they are not ones to discuss lightly. I think I accepted a new job as I'm too comfortable in it and don't want to rush a second pregnancy. My mh in the years before getting pregnant was quite poor. When I was pregnant my hormones played havoc, along with feeling like I made a mistake. A Facebook memory I was looking at with DH reminded me of a distressing time. However, since becoming a mum I have been happier than ever and I don't want to rock to boat. I have other reasons too.

espressoontap · 08/04/2021 22:30

I had this so much from friends and family. We'd been trying since DS was 10 months as wanted them close together. We struggled to conceive and had 2 mcs. My mum told me I incapable of carrying girls - guess what? DD is 6 months. We have a 4 yr gap - I've struggled awfully. It's hard work having another and dealing with the guilt of missing time with no1. You do what suits you, your child won't hold it against you if you decide not to have another. Some days are just exhausting and wanting to fast forward to bed time.

I don't know why people think it's ok to ask when women are having another baby - what's it got to do with them?

Original poster

pleeeeeen · 08/04/2021 22:39

Were you the younger?

No, I'm the oldest.

OP posts:

AlrightTreacle · 08/04/2021 22:42

I'd just learn that off by heart and recite it whenever anyone asks you.

And tbh, I think me and both my siblings resent my parents for "giving" us each other .

LouiseTrees · 08/04/2021 22:46

You are right OP. There’s no guarantee of siblings even liking one another. I think you say “ah that question again, whilst it would be lovely to have one it’s just not as easy as that for us ” an elaborate no further. That could mean it’s not as easy as that your mind, it could mean you are having difficulties having one.

Watchingthetelly · 08/04/2021 22:54

Just here for solidarity. I’ll think I’m reconciled to one for multiple valid reasons and then someone will ask why I’m “depriving” my child of siblings... there are pros and cons to everything, outcomes can be different to expectations, other people have their own viewpoints and they’re not always relevant or helpful to the situation.

Watchingthetelly · 08/04/2021 22:56

It’s also the disregard for the experience you had and the trauma you are carrying.

MeadowHay · 08/04/2021 23:00

Why oh why are people so rude and insensitive that they think it's acceptable to ask people about this? We get asked a lot when we are going to have another, it literally started when DD was about 3 months old, I wish I was joking!! DH gets it too particularly from women at work . I'm actually pregnant now and we always knew we wanted another but I just think what if I had been having trouble concieving or something in the interim and how I would feel if people kept banging on about it? I wish people would just mind their own business. Also it's no more selfish for you to not have any more children than it was to have your first - surely having children is a selfish act as we have them because we want them and not for any greater good/selfless reasons?

orangebay · 08/04/2021 23:11

Same people would find something else to judge you on if you had 3 kids by now. You only need to look after you and your family. You will notice how happy your child is when you are happy they love a happy mum. If you don't want any more don't have any more. Just smile and move on over any comments from anyone else. Do what you want to do 😊

B1rdflyinghigh · 08/04/2021 23:50

It's ok to just have the one. I did, because I couldn't afford two.
She's almost 11, she has friends around, but loves her own company to. Still nags me at 48 to have another...lol

MinnieMountain · 09/04/2021 06:40

It’s none of their business.

My 7yo is an only on purpose and he loves it (global pandemics aside).

There’s a few of us in my office with only children and the general consensus is we are happy we made that choice.

As pp have said, what if you only do it to give your DC as sibling and they then don’t get on?

Ticktockclick · 09/04/2021 07:00

Solidarity There are plenty of very happy only children (and adults) around. Sorry you had such a rough ride with the birth. I wouldn't go back for more either, if I were you!
Really, you owe it to no-one, including your little boy, to have another baby.
Most children I know just squabble with their siblings. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Fingerbobs · 09/04/2021 08:14

And from me too, I am sorry you had such an awful time. Some people are just such arseholes about other people’s choices - I once had a random woman tell me it was cruel not to have another child, I couldn’t quite believe it. I have one dearly loved DS and in doing so have reached (and sometimes exceeded) my parenting capacity. And that is ok, but it took me a while to get there.
Now I usually just say that I got it perfectly right first time so I didn’t feel the need to repeat the exercise. Although I did just once tell my mother to back the fuck off with her ‘are you having another’ nonsense because I was trying to make my own decision with my own partner about my own family and I couldn’t bear it. So that too is an option

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 09/04/2021 09:00

I’m pg now and already been asked if I’ll have more than one! Let’s see how this one goes hey

Original poster

pleeeeeen · 11/04/2021 09:19

Thanks so much all, your replies have made me feel much better

OP posts:

BerryPieandCustard · 11/04/2021 09:40

My DD is 10 in May and up until she was about 7/8 people kept asking when we would have another. Even though my pregnancy and labour were reasonably easy and straightforward when I was 3 weeks post partum I experienced a massive amount of bleeding including huge blood clots that I could actually feel coming out. I was home alone with my 3 week old and had to call an ambulance and be blue lighted to hospital, have surgery and receive a blood transfusion.

I was so scared, in that moment I thought something terrible was going to happen to me an my blood runs cold to the day thinking about it. I think people think forget that pregnancy/delivery/recovery (both physical and mental) isn’t always a walk on the park.

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