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Original poster

Boyfriend not being supportive

28 replies

Preg97 · 07/04/2021 20:08

Hi all I’m new to this so don’t really know how it works haha!
I found out on Monday that I’m pregnant which was totally unexpected! When I told my Bf he got very angry straight away and told me he wants an abortion, something I don’t really believe in ( I have nothing against it or anyone who chooses that route but me personally I couldn’t see me myself doing that. I made myself very clear I don’t want an abortion and now I’m being told that I am selfish, messing up his life and now thinking about the relationship. But him forcing me to have an abortion isn’t thinking about the relationship either!
He’s now accepted the fact that I’m keeping the baby but he really isn’t happy with it and and giving me little digs every chance he possibles gets, he has told me he wants to stay with me but he doesn’t love me anymore for doing this to him, although we’ll be together he won’t support me just the baby. He won’t come to any scans as he doesn’t see the point.
This is my first pregnancy and I really want everything to go perfect! I’m only 5 weeks so I’m scared about all the risks that’s comes with the first 12 weeks and he’s not making it any easier. We’re both adults (24+27) both have stable jobs, we’re not in the best situation but we’re not in the worst! And I’m very blessed to have a very supportive family which he also doesn’t want as he thinks I’m being too dependent on others.
I’m just really confused, upset and morning sickness does not make it any better haha! I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do this alone but I also don’t want to bring a baby into something like this. I know ultimately whatever happens I have the power and strength to do it without it but being only 24 abs only loosing my mom 3 months ago I’d really love that family unit my parents had when I was growing up!
It’s a sad time loosing my mom and falling pregnant not long after but I feel it’s also a blessing, almost a like a message from my mom that she’s with me, something he doesn’t understand either.
What should I do? Any advice?
Thanks in advance! Xx

OP posts:
ColourfulElmerElephant · 07/04/2021 20:10

I don’t want to do this alone but I also don’t want to bring a baby into something like this.

I think one of these are your options but I think your relationship is over either way because one of you will resent the other one for the decision you make.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 20:12

Do NOT give this baby his surname. In fact, I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate at all.

And I’m very blessed to have a very supportive family which he also doesn’t want as he thinks I’m being too dependent on others.

FUCK HIM. It's not about what he wants. He wanted you to get a termination you didn't want, either.

Personally, I'd it with him now and not have him around. He's a dick - trying to bully you into an abortion, his little digs, his trying to isolate you from your family (and when you just lost your mum!).

He's a controlling cunt. Cut him loose now, he will spoil the enjoyment you deserve. Congratulations!

TheMayQueen · 07/04/2021 20:15

Were you both taking responsibility for contraception? How long have you been together?

I think give him time to think about it. I don't think men OR women have to automatically be happy about this when it's unplanned and possible unwanted.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2021 20:20

Cut him loose.

Then think very very carefully about this question... do you WANT a baby or do you not want an abortion. Because not wanting an abortion isn't a good reason to being a child into the world. If you actually want a baby, congratulations and good luck Thanks

TheMayQueen · 07/04/2021 20:22

And only keep the baby if you're willing to be a single parent.

Original poster
Preg97 · 07/04/2021 20:24

He was using protection at the time I wasn’t on the pill but was on the process of going on. Whenever we did after unprotected sex which was only one I took the morning after pill, it obviously didn’t work. The condoms he was also using were really out of date which I didn’t know at the time! So it wasn’t really protecting us from anything.
I told him not one of us are to blame but we both could of done more to prevent it but he says it’s down to me and not taking the right steps.
We’ve been together almost 2 months (that’s not why he wants he termination though) so I understand he’s in shock and and scared, I’m not taking that away from him and I’ve been very supportive of his feelings and opinions, I listened to him when he said he wants me to have a termination but when I stated my reason for why I’d like to keep it and how we could try make it work he shuts it down straight away and says it’s not possible, he says my reasons for waning it are stupid but his reasons are valid.

OP posts:
Magnificentmug12 · 07/04/2021 20:25

Well a baby is a big, life changing, financial, temporarily set back (with regards to work and finance) so if his not ready for that his not ready. Having a baby is no easy feat, especially as a sign for parent which is what you might become.

You need to think of your options, regardless off if you want a baby, are you ready for one? Or would it be better to abort and do that later in life when you are ready?

Either way this relationship won’t last the long run, sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2021 20:25

2 months? Honestly I think you're mad to consider this.

Magnificentmug12 · 07/04/2021 20:26

Well having a baby because you think it’s from your mum, or a message from your mum is totally irrational and not a solid argument.

Completely understandable though by the way, it must be very hard to loose a mum, especially if you loved her and I’m really sorry for your loss

Original poster
Preg97 · 07/04/2021 20:30

Oh yes I do want a baby! I want this baby! Although it’s a shock and wasn’t planned I can’t help but feel happy! I don’t want an abortion because I want the baby, I want to be a mom, I’m ready to be one and I know that I could do it alone it’s just growing up girls have that vision of happy families and I know that probably won’t be the case for me. But like I said I know I’ll have many people behind me supporting me as I’m from a big family with many older siblings and I still live at home with dad which will be a big help!
Thank you so much

OP posts:
AdaFuckingShelby · 07/04/2021 20:30

I doubt he'll be much use as a father if this how he carries on. It's all about him and what he thinks. You need to be sure you can cope as a single parent. You don't need him behaving this way when you've got a child to look after. Ditch him either way, he sounds like hard work.

JackieTheFart · 07/04/2021 20:37

There is no point trying to keep a relationship with this man. He doesn’t want a baby and he doesn’t want you either - I get that you don’t want an abortion but a baby will tether you to this man you barely know.

Wanting a baby, you shouldn’t just consider the emotion of it. You should consider the practicalities - can you afford a baby alone? Coz I’m 99% certain you will be. Can you afford a place to live? Childcare?

Look, it’s not up to us to tell you what to do. But you’re 24. There’ll be opportunities to have babies with a man who wants them with you.

HeddaGarbled · 07/04/2021 20:39

You’ve been together less than 2 months? He’s not really even your boyfriend yet, just a guy you’ve been dating for a very short while.

I don’t blame him for not wanting a baby with someone he hardly knows. He’s being nasty, the way he’s talking to you about it, but he’s not wrong about not wanting the baby.

Anyway, at least you’ve found out he’s not a nice person before you fell in love with him or anything.

So step one is dump him.

Step two, talk to a pregnancy advisory service to help you work out whether you want to carry on with the pregnancy now that you know you will be a single mum if you do.

AliasGrape · 07/04/2021 20:43

You're not going to have a lovely family unit with him, I'm sorry. He's shown his true colours. He's within his rights to be shocked, upset, to say he's not ready to be a father etc. But he's no right to treat you like shit, threaten you and try to control you which is what he's doing.

I think you need to accept this relationship is over - not even 2 months in it never really started- hea shown hes a twat so why would you want to be with him?

So the question is are you prepared to be a single parent? If you are then I'd tell him to piss off and leave you to concentrate on yourself, your pregnancy and that you will update him with anything he needs to know but apart from that you don't want to hear from him. Then focus on your own wellbeing and getting yourself in the best position you possibly can financially and practically. Don't waste time in silly back and forths with him chasing some dream of happy families hes never going to give you - you're just letting yourself in for a load of stress and hassle which isn't good in pregnancy and definitely not once you've got a new baby to think about.

If he has a miraculous change of heart and decides to be father of the year I'm sure he'll let you know, but nothing you could possibly do or say is going to bring that about so just cut him loose and focus on what you can control.

zeugend · 07/04/2021 20:58

It may just be the shock. When I first found out I was pregnant my boyfriend told me to have an abortion and that he didn't care about the baby I gave him time and he apologised and admitted me he was scared and now he's really supportive.

I agree with the posts about not giving baby his last name as that's what I was told

TheMayQueen · 07/04/2021 21:00

2 months! This is madness.

I think you need to accept that this is not going to be a happy families situation.

It sounds like neither of you were particularly responsible contraception wise. He shouldn't be nasty to you but I can see why he doesn't want a baby in this situation. What a mess.

Standrewsschool · 07/04/2021 21:00

You’re five weeks pregnant and been with bf less than two months! Did you get pregnant straight away. Tbh, I’m not surprised he’s shocked and upset.

Neither of you have been very responsible, him using out of date condoms and you’re not on the pill.

The ‘relationship’ won’t last, you haven’t been together long enough to build a solid foundation.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 21:10

It sounds like you wanted a baby more than a relationship. You had sex without a condom with someone you’d known less than a month. Pregnancy isn’t the most life changing thing that could have happened as a result of it.

Why would he love you, you barely know each other?!

I’m not sure what advice you’re after. You’re happy to be pregnant, it sounds like you planned to be pregnant, you’re confident you don’t need him and have a job and family support. What do you want people to say?

Lineofconcepcion · 07/04/2021 21:13

This probably isn't helpful, but you're not ready for this.

ColourfulElmerElephant · 07/04/2021 21:14

We’ve been together almost 2 months (that’s not why he wants he termination though)

Almost two months together and you are five weeks pregnant!! It’s not even a relationship yet so of course it’s not going to turn into one now.

zeugend · 07/04/2021 21:15

Oh I didn't read your PPs, if you've only been together 2 months of course he's shocked and you're always going to be in each others lives, even if you split up now. So I'd think carefully if you want to keep the baby. I was adamant I wanted to keep my baby but me and my boyfriend had been together for a year and half at that point and we've had our problems since then but we've worked through them. But if I got pregnant after being with him for 2 months I'm not sure I'd want to keep the baby as it's a big step and you're just getting to know eachother (not to sound patronising as I'm also young).

Original poster
Preg97 · 07/04/2021 22:25

First of all we may have been together 2 months but he’s someone I’ve know over two years so although we might be new in our relationship he isn’t a stranger I’ve just shacked up with. We dated and took time to know each other before making things official.
And being so judgemental just isn’t right. Does it make me any less of a women because we didn’t use protection one time? Is it my fault that I done everything I could to prevent it and it still happened? I couldn’t just go onto the pill because it messed me up before so we were looking at different alternatives. That’s not my fault.
Now it’s happened and I’ve looked at how We can cope, the money side to it all, I would like to go forward with it. Why is that so wrong? As I keep saying I understand his feelings and not once have I disputed that! I’m also shocked, scared it’s a big change and I understand that!! But I’m also NOT going to be forced into doing something I don’t want to do or put my body through.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 22:36

Does it make me any less of a women because we didn’t use protection one time?

What? Who said you were less of a woman?

Is it my fault that I done everything I could to prevent it and it still happened?

You had sex without a condom, pregnancy and stds are always possible outcomes.

That’s not my fault.

You’re both equally responsible for the pregnancy. Crying not my fault at this point isn’t very mature or productive.

Now it’s happened and I’ve looked at how We can cope, the money side to it all, I would like to go forward with it.

There’s no “we”. He’ll owe you child support at about 20% of his salary once the baby is born but nothing before then unless he wants to pay for things. You need to plan to fund this by yourself or with any benefits you might qualify for.

I’m also NOT going to be forced into doing something I don’t want to do or put my body through.

No one on here is trying to force you to do anything. But you’re not in a good situation right now and it’s still not clear what you want from posting.

normalsaline · 07/04/2021 23:46

where did someone say you’re ‘less of a woman’...? Confused

gnushoes · 07/04/2021 23:47

Two month old relationship? Living with your dad? Blessing from your mum? There are red flags all over the place. You're grieving your mum and not thinking straight. Your dad may not be overjoyed to be seen as childcare/support for years to come. Can see why your boyfriend isn't happy. And you're very young. Please go for some counselling before making a final decision on this.