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Original poster

Space - what is reasonable time?

31 replies

Tango987 · 07/04/2021 11:56

After 15 years of marriage, my DW has said she needs space and has moved into the spare room. Could I ask, what time-limit would you put against this if this was you? The relationship is getting colder by the day........ sad

OP posts:
CrazyNeighbour · 07/04/2021 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAllHaveWings · 07/04/2021 12:06

After 15 years of marriage you must be able to talk to each other and find out what is going on, it is not as simple as a time limit on the spare room. It could be anything from she has libido issues, to she has fallen out of love with you and is making plans to leave.

Listen to each other and if you are heading to splitting deal with it as fairly and amicably as possible, especially if there are children involved.

WeWereOnABreak10 · 07/04/2021 12:12

For me, moving into the spare room wouldn't be an option. Either it's over or its not. You two need to talk. Ask her why she needs space. Ask her where you go from here.

Original poster
Tango987 · 07/04/2021 12:20

I know why but it’s been 2 months and she’s not able to move forward

OP posts:
4PawsGood · 07/04/2021 12:21

Has she not given you some reasons about why she wants space?

steppemum · 07/04/2021 12:24

so, moving in to the spare room is crisis point.

To resolve crisis, you need help!
So what are you doing?
Some things that you could do:

set aside some time each week to talk. Look up some ways of doing this constructively, just arguing for an hour a week is not the point!

get counselling. either spearately or together

write a letter to each other.

But moving out and then not talking is really just saying it is over isn't it?

Original poster
Tango987 · 07/04/2021 12:25

Yes I know why but there’s nothing coming out as to what we are going to do about it apart “she needs space!”

OP posts:
BramStoker · 07/04/2021 12:25

I guess how long you allow the current situation to go on for depends on what you are hoping to happen in the longer term

Realistically it's very unlikely that your marriage is going to magically return to its previous best so you need to ask yourself whether you would prefer to separate or whether you are determined to stay in the marriage even without intimacy

Seeline · 07/04/2021 12:26

IF you know why, is there anything that YOU can do to help overcome it?

steppemum · 07/04/2021 12:26

But as a side note.
I have found lockdown hard, 3 teens at home , dh and I both wfh, and I would love a room where I could go in and shut the door and shut everyone else out. This reached max just before schools went back. Since school went back, it is getting better.

So i can see that it might be related to life now, rather than life in general.

But I would be able to tell dh that, not just move and be silent?

RuggeryBuggery · 07/04/2021 12:28

Why? What is the reason that you’re aware of?

WeWereOnABreak10 · 07/04/2021 12:29

Have you cheated OP? Is that why she needs space? To think maybe?

2months is an awful long time though.

Notinthisworld · 07/04/2021 12:31

Is the reason unforgivable or can you move past it?

Original poster
Tango987 · 07/04/2021 12:48

No I have and will never cheat on my wife. I think the issues are fixable but my DW won’t allow me too. All I keep getting is “I need more space”....

OP posts:
WeWereOnABreak10 · 07/04/2021 12:54

I think you should remind her of her vows. Marriages need a lot of effort from both sides to make it work. People are so easy to give up these days (sometimes it isn't an option I know - abuse or cheating) and not want to put the hard work in.

Do you have Children Op?

TheWaif · 07/04/2021 12:55

It's hardly your right to put any time limit on anything is it.

Seeline · 07/04/2021 13:00

So what are the issues?

Xiaoxiong · 07/04/2021 13:03

Why don't you tell us what the issues are and what your plan is to fix them?

Then we can see if your DW is being unreasonable, or if there are some improvements we can suggest to your plan Smile

steppemum · 07/04/2021 13:05

I am getting the feeling from your posts that she is not really discussing anything with you?

Is this a new thing, or the end of a long road of worsening communication?

HeddaGarbled · 07/04/2021 13:10

Sleeping in separate rooms isn’t necessarily the end of the relationship. Some couples are not sleep-compatible, and maybe she does just want to have some time and space on and of her own.

It’s the relationship getting colder by the day bit which is concerning and which you need to discuss with her, without it all coming back to the spare room issue.

It may just be that you’re irritating to share a bed/bedroom with but she doesn’t want to upset you by telling you that. Or it may be something more serious. At the moment you don’t know because she’s not being honest and you’re not asking the right questions (of yourself as well as her).

Original poster
Tango987 · 07/04/2021 13:22

Thanks for the advice; I’ve acknowledged what I’m doing wrong and what I need to do to put it right but I’m not a machine. I’m not putting a time limit on it; I just need to know what’s reasonable. My DW and I have had an amazing marriage and I’m sad that we can’t seem to work this out.

OP posts:
TheWaif · 07/04/2021 13:23

No one can give you any advice based on no information.

dontgobaconmyheart · 07/04/2021 13:30

Nobody can give you any decent advice without any details. You clearly aren't acknowledging the issues in ways that are of any help to her. Believing you have and are doing all you can and that's that isn't to get you anywhere and is hardly healthy communication. It would be impossible to talk to someone if they simply said the things you're saying here, to her.

Frankly I would stop placing any expectations on someone that clearly sounds unhappy and can't bear to be in the same bed as you. That doesn't come from nowhere. All you can do is start the process of ending the relationship, or offer a last ditch attempt at couples therapy, but she doesn't owe you anything.

WeWereOnABreak10 · 07/04/2021 13:33

@Tango987

Thanks for the advice; I’ve acknowledged what I’m doing wrong and what I need to do to put it right but I’m not a machine. I’m not putting a time limit on it; I just need to know what’s reasonable. My DW and I have had an amazing marriage and I’m sad that we can’t seem to work this out.
It sounds like you know what you need to do. Every marriage has had at least 1 rocky patch. We've had two (11 years) but we always work on it. It's bloody hard but ultimately you both have to want to make the marriage work. You have to put right your wrongs. Good luck Op.
BadMouses · 07/04/2021 13:34

Some people live quite happily in separate rooms: it isn't a deal breaker for everyone.

Couples therapy sounds as though it might help you both move forward.

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