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Original poster

Struggling with being single and childless this evening

33 replies

CaymanLayman · 06/04/2021 20:07

I'm so tired of being alone and watching everyone else do it so easily. I'm so ashamed that I can't celebrate my friends' engagements, weddings and babies without coming home and crying.

When, when, when will it be my turn? :(

OP posts:
Etsylicious · 06/04/2021 20:09

Can you make a plan b. Like starting a family on your own if you haven’t met anyone by a certain point. Then there is less pressure to find a relationship...

Fullmoonequalsnosleep · 06/04/2021 20:13

I have been where you are and it does feel lonely. How old are you? It’s not exactly easy at the moment to meet people. With the summer coming and better weather and being able to meet outside is there a way you can get to meet some new people?

Original poster
CaymanLayman · 06/04/2021 20:14

I think I might start to need a Plan B, but I'd never be able to afford a baby on my own.

I wish I could give up hope and bugger off to live abroad or something, but I want a family so badly.

OP posts:
bitheby · 06/04/2021 20:16

Feel for you. I'm in the same boat but am a couple of years down the line of trying to get pregnant by myself and it isn't happening. Next step potentially IVF but no guarantee at my age. It's shit and quite often I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't enjoy my job either so my whole life is a bit pants really.

Hang in there.

LudoBear · 06/04/2021 20:16

Oh lovely. I'm in exact same position except I'm asexual and want to start a family on my own but have pcos and can't afford fertility treatment.

Its hard to see people doing what you want.

CrimeFiles · 06/04/2021 20:17

How old are you op? A good friend of mine in her early 30s has recently had IVF and now has some frozen fertilised embryos waiting. It may not be the most romantic route, but she's positive she wants children and I'm very proud of her for taking the step. I think it cost about £7k all together.

Original poster
CaymanLayman · 06/04/2021 20:18

I can't help but think what's the point. Why live to 80 if it means 40 years of buying single ready meals?

I hope your luck changes soon bittheby.

I'm 33. I know I'm technically 'young' but I'm not, really.

OP posts:
CapitanSandy · 06/04/2021 20:19

I relate to how you’re feeling it is really shit. Agree with making a Plan B so it feels like you’ve got something to aim for. Can I ask if it’s the relationship or baby that’s feels more important at the moment? Or is it both?

LudoBear · 06/04/2021 20:19

@CaymanLayman

I can't help but think what's the point. Why live to 80 if it means 40 years of buying single ready meals?

I hope your luck changes soon bittheby.

I'm 33. I know I'm technically 'young' but I'm not, really.

You are the same age as me and I've had the exact same thoughts.
Toreportornot · 06/04/2021 20:20

I could have written this exact post! No advice sorry, I know how rubbish it is.

Palavah · 06/04/2021 20:20

Can you make a list of all the reasons that you want a family/what it means to you. Eg purpose, affection, belonging, legacy.
Then see what other ways you can fulfil those needs in the meantime.

This is not to say that you won't still want to have children, or a partner, but there are lots of other ways of scratching the entirely natural itches you're feeling.

2), make a list of all the things that you can do now that you wouldn't be able to do if you were pregnant /had kids/ in a relationship. And make the most of being able to do those things. Eg i wish Id got fitter and stronger, ticked off a few more cities, learned to cook better, improved my language skills, worked in another country.

I know many of those are tricky to do now, but some will be possible and you can plan for the rest.

Tickledtrout · 06/04/2021 20:21

@CaymanLayman sorry you're feeling down tonight. I was in your position 25 years ago after the break up of my first marriage. It's especially hard at the moment with everything locked down and mixing so limited.
One of the things I found helpful was to be brutally clear with myself about mistakes I'd made in the past and to make realistuc goals for the future. It meant I didn't waste time on men that didn't want what I wanted/didn't have the capacity to be what I wanted.
Be kind to yourself.

CrimeFiles · 06/04/2021 20:22

Are you positive that you want children op?

HumunaHey · 06/04/2021 20:24

Do you go on dating apps?

Toddlerteaplease · 06/04/2021 20:25

Same here OP. My biological click is ticking and there won't be a plan B due to health issues.

Tickledtrout · 06/04/2021 20:28

Just seen your update. I was 33 when my marriage crumbled. 34 and 35 dating. 36 pregnant. 37 married. Babies at 37, 39,41.
I saw a relationship counsellor. Mostly because I had paid for her and my then husband didn't turn up. I used it as a way to process my sadness and she helped me frame some experiences in ways that helped me leave them behind. And to set achievable goals. A kind of relationship MOT. I remember saying I wanted to figure out which, if any, of my behaviours and thoughts were unhelpful in meeting my goals. A bit clinical maybe but I felt much lighter and less 'damaged'.

Palavah · 06/04/2021 20:29

(i am 40, no children and would absolutely tell my 33 year old self the advice above. I'd also consider freezing embryos/eggs)

Original poster
CaymanLayman · 06/04/2021 20:34

It's actually so 'nice' to hear of other people struggling. I wish it wasn't so taboo. I love my friends but I do not want to be seen as the sad, lonely one.

I want children in the right situation- stable income, stable partner.

I use the apps, yeah.

OP posts:
AlrightTreacle · 06/04/2021 20:39

I went through this a few years ago. I got dumped just before one wedding, and the bride made me get up to dance to "single ladies" by Beyonce, while pointing at me Hmm. She's divorced now.

Hang on in there OP.

RJnomore1 · 06/04/2021 20:41

Why not get plan b in place? It doesn’t exclude plan a - you wouldn’t be less likely to meet someone abroad for example.

I know so many lovely women who found the right person in their late 30s or early 40s and went ok to have a family. Just don’t put the other things you want to do on hold because of it.

Butterflyfox · 06/04/2021 20:52

Oh dear OP. I have been exactly there and I know EXACTLY how it feels and sending you a hug. I used to cry myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me and why I was the only single person in the entire world. Weekend after weekend smiling through weddings and christenings. But in the end feeling sorry for myself did not really help. Really take time to think what YOU want YOUR life to be and work out a plan to make it happen. For me it was always children. Nothing else came close. It was not easy or simple but I am now blissfully happy single mother by choice to two perfect children and life is amazing. And when I browse the stories here so many of them are about problems with partners and ex partners and I feel so blessed our family life is so happy and relaxed with none of that shit. You can’t find your own happy ending too. It might not be what I chose but it can still be really really really good

lydia2021 · 06/04/2021 20:52

Borrow friends or relatives kids for the day to give them a break. It's not such a wonderful life... grass isnt always greener. Being a favourite fun Aunt is a great role in life... I know... I am one.. I also had kids but my disappointment in my life since has been massive. Foster older kids.. some desperately need help. Maybe adopt later... lots of options out there, if we all waited till we could afford kids, no one would have them. Good luck hun..

Oly4 · 06/04/2021 20:59

I was you aged 33 and I know the pain you’re feeling.
Don’t give up hope. Use the time to analyse what went wrong in past relationships, and be determined to not let good men pass you by, even if you don’t immediately want to tear their pants off. Good you’re using dating apps, I know that can be depressing in itself.
I read the book Marry Him by Lori Gottleib, it helped me realise I was so hung up on looks etc and dismissed people for silly reasons.
I did meet somebody, we’re happy and now have children. It can happen quickly if you both want to same things. Good luck

LudoBear · 06/04/2021 21:03

@lydia2021

Borrow friends or relatives kids for the day to give them a break. It's not such a wonderful life... grass isnt always greener. Being a favourite fun Aunt is a great role in life... I know... I am one.. I also had kids but my disappointment in my life since has been massive. Foster older kids.. some desperately need help. Maybe adopt later... lots of options out there, if we all waited till we could afford kids, no one would have them. Good luck hun..
I know you mean well but borrowing other peoples kids isn't the same as having your own. I was a nanny for 5 years and had to give up because I couldn't bear it when they started school and my role came to and end. I'd go from caring for a child 10 hours a day Monday to Friday to never seeing them again or occasional babysitting.

Being an aunt is great...if you have siblings with kids and a good relationship with them.

Nobody without kids who is desperate for them can ever understand the deep rooted need to have a child.

Worldwide2 · 06/04/2021 21:17

I know it's cliché but the things you want the moist usually come when your not looking.
I'm sorry your feeling like this it's so shit but things can change very quickly. Keep busy with the things you love and try to join something or do something new that you could really enjoy. A new hobby perhaps just to try to focus on something else other than how your feeling now. 💐