How does money and savings work in your house?

[hermionieweasley]

Me and DH have been married for three years, two young dc. We have been saving for a house deposit, and paying off some debts, and so for the past year DH has kept a spreadsheet and tracked how much we can keep back, how much goes into a joint account for food shops/petrol, and the rest we split evenly. We both work full time, he earns about 10k than me as I took a step back in my role to make it more flexible with DC.

We are at our target for our house deposit, and DH wants to start four new savings- holidays (he's v into travelling), house emergencies, kids and general life savings. He is suggesting pooling our money each month, taking some out for each pot, and then dividing the remainder. I think this is sensible and I'm happy with this, but not happy with the amount he wants to give us each every month, it's less than we have now and it's tight at the moment. I feel I can rarely afford new clothes or make up, and although that's not important to lots of people, it is to me, and I work hard enough that i would like to be able to treat myself every now and then, not just treating the little ones. I would also like a pot of my own money that I have saved up in my account, a few thousand, so I can use it as and when I want without having to ask for money. My suggestion is we keep our own wages for two months and then start the new saving plan, but he is saying no.

How do you make it fair in your house?

Gosh I wish I was as organised as your DH. Our wages just go into one account and everything comes out of that. I get what I want within reason . We aren’t good at saving though so I wish I had your discipline

Men can be much more frugal than women. My DP can go all year without buying clothes etc. Not saying women can’t either but for me I like to treat myself when I want. I’d never ever look money. If something went wrong and you split you’ve got a lot to untangle. We pay the bills and then our money is our own to do with. Save or spend. If something is needed for the house we split it or perhaps if one of us had savings then that person would offer to pay. You need to explain you struggle now and no way should you pool resources. Stay separate and pay a proportion of you wages into bills/kids/savings and the rest is yours to do with as you please

We pool our money and split everything fair. We don’t have ‘spending money’ each month but buy things if we need them or want them. Any large purchases we discuss. We save quite a lot each month too.
I think what your husband is proposing is fair. You say things are tight then on the other hand say you like expensive clothes and makeup. Can you afford things if things are so tight?

No I never said I like expensive clothes, but for example today I was in Tesco (see, not expensive!) and saw a few tops I liked that I would have loved to have bought. My wardrobe is the same from before DS1 was born and isn't flattering and I just don't have much. I could have afforded one of the tops, but just to have the option would be lovely. If I had a bit of my own money in my bank I'd have that option.

Our money mostly goes in to joint, all bills out of that inc our mobile bills.
Ive a few hundred in my own account but its paying off debts I personally had before me and DP got together.
We have regular treats such as takeaways and we usually take in turn to pay for those. we don't have savings though, We do need to start though!
I would personally , only put in what you can afford and are happy to put into the savings your DH wants.

And I suppose my point is, things don't need to be as tight as they are.

We could have gradually saved for a house but DH priority is always travel, and so we saved really quickly instead.

We could slow ourselves more spending money each month now house is saved for, but instead it's being pooled away. I'm not against that but I think on our salaries I feel like I've worked hard enough that I should be able to buy a fancy mascara every now and then or a nice pair of boots or a new winter coat or a nice Marks and Sparks bra instead of a primark one lol... I don't know, I'm struggling to think of examples but hope you get the drift.

DH earns 60k and I earn 50k and I just feel like as a child and teenager and even student, that felt like an amazing salary to achieve one day. I'm 31 and proud of myself for getting there but just feel like I'm skint day to day all the time and will also be for the foreseeable

*allow ourselves

I think unless a family really needs every penny of income to get by, each adult should have spending money of their own, regardless of who earns how much (and children pocket money, when old enough, too). Don't see why your DP just gets to dictate!

if I earned 50k there's no way I'd be wearing primark bras! Why does your husband get the final say over money?

Well, it's DH's priority to save for travel, but not so much yours, so it's not something he should be deciding unilaterally.

I'd say that you save three sets of money for emergencies, kids and general. Split the rest between you two and then you can both make "voluntary" contributions to the travel fund when you want to.

He works in finance and can work excel which is why he ended up with that role of being in charge of finances lol

Well I think you need to work on a few things OP...
The first being that you need to establish a 'WHY'...why are you saving? What is the bigger picture?
The second is...deciphering (I mean REALLY deciphering) between wants and needs! You wanted new tops for example...but did you REALLY NEED them?? (The answer is usually no imo!)

We pool and save 2k a month into main savings and several other small amounts into other sinking funds (kids, car etc)

Personally I think on those salaries you should prioritise house. Travel (especially at the moment) should be on the back burner.

You have different priorities for your disposable income - you’d rather spend on clothes and he’d rather spend on travel. His interest shouldn’t take priority over yours.

How much “travelling” can you do with a young child anyway?

Can't you just squirrel away your own stash for treats and clothes and not mention it? Surely he understands that?

If you’re earning that much you shouldn’t be quibbling over a top from Tesco!

Is the savings in joint names? It may be that he is a saver and you are a spender, and you need to find a middle ground. DH & I only get £50pm for personal spends and I find that to be plenty. We don't need new clothes all the time as we have finished growing.

Also no one is travelling this year due to Covid
Just do what you want OP Say that clothes prices have increased and you're clothes are old. It shouldn't even be an issue. Your money you've worked for so just do what you want. In my marriage it's never a spreadsheet issue if I need a new top. Life isn't about that.

We pay our wages in to our own back accounts pay the equal amount into our joint account. Dh transfers money into my account for food l take charge of shopping. There used to be a time when l would pay for all the kids clothes but l put a stop to that. Dh just saves his money l by himself l have my money but transfer into different accounts 1, General 2. Ds 3. Dd 4. Car 5. Teeth 6. Christmas 7. Old age. l save 97.50 a week (l get paid weekly) and then what’s left in my general account is mine at the end of the month, l do this as if l left it in my general bank account l would just spend it all. My Christmas account is just a save the change account really and since January l already have 150 so l think by November l will have enough money for my Christmas presents.

I have just been watching something about being mortgage free and l am going to try and talk to my dh about paying paying 1 month extra every 3 months to shorten our mortgage term.

We are similar to you - saving for a deposit, 2 young DC. DH earns more than I do. No joint account.

DHs salary pays for pretty much everything - rent, childcare, bills etc.
I get paid the child benefit which goes on stuff the DC need. Then my salary I put almost all of it into my savings account the day I get paid (for our house deposit), and I'm left with £125 disposable income for the month (which is similar to what DH has after he has paid for all the essentials)

My suggestion is we keep our own wages for two months and then start the new saving plan, but he is saying no.

It's not just up to him, I would definitely keep some money in a personal account each month.

We each get paid into our own accounts, the mortgage and utilities go out of DH's account (I work 16hrs pw compared to his 55 hrs pw at a much higher hourly rate) and we each pay for our own car, phone, gym etc. We have a joint account that we both pay in to for food shopping, anything for the kids and family stuff (takeaways, days out etc). We worked it out so that both of us were left with roughly the same personal spends each month. Youngest DC will be starting preschool soon so I will be able to work more hours, I will probably just pay extra into the joint account rather than readjusting the bills to make it fair.

We don't have any joint savings but we each have our own savings. When we need something new for the house or want to book a holiday or need to fund a birthday or Christmas we discuss how much each of us can afford from our savings and budget for that amount. He's better at saving than me so he usually pays more for big purchases but then I am more likely to be the one topping up the joint account if its getting low throughout the year as I keep an eye on it more. So it all works out pretty fairly.

Seriously though if I earned £50k and couldn't afford a top from tesco then I would be questioning what's going on with my money. Your DH sounds sensible, which is a good thing, but it's bordering on controlling. You should have the final say on what your own money is spent on.

You have different priorities for your disposable income - you’d rather spend on clothes and he’d rather spend on travel. His interest shouldn’t take priority over yours.

This.

I'm with your DH up to the point of saving up a sensible buffer for unforeseen expenses, and setting aside money for longer term savings such as pension contributions. But travel is a discretionary spend and doesn't trump your desire for a few new tops or a bit of make up.

Personally, I'd go back to him and say that whilst you are supportive of the short-term (emergency) pot and long-term savings pot, the travel and kids pots are up for negotiation and have to be agreed by both of you. Decreasing the amount you are saving for travel and upping the amount of monthly 'pocket money' you both have could be the sensible compromise?

Why does he get to say no to how your wages are spent beyond covering the bills?

Do you pay half or proportionate?

I'd pay the bills money in but tell him you are NOT putting anything into savings for two months and you are NOT putting away more than you currently do.

Your opinion is just as important as his. Work out how much you want as spending and tell him that is what you are taking. If he doesn't listen then change it so your wages go into your own account and you transfer the amount you want into the joint.

You are clear in your posts that he is very into travelling which makes me think it is not your priority.

We have one account with 6 months living costs in that never gets touched and won’t unless there is an emergency. It helps me to sleep at night knowing it’s there!
We then have other pots for Christmas, holidays, new sofa (I won’t buy one until the target is reached) etc.

We each have our own short term savings for car costs, trips away etc. If there is a big expense like a new bathroom etc we usually divvy it up a bit between these saving pots but DH will usually pay more as he earns more. It works well for us and I can treat myself and vice versa. I think looking nice is important so don’t underestimate it OP. You should definitely be able to buy two tops in Tesco on 50k! You are both earning well!

I also get the impression that you are using your spending money for things for the dc. Is he doing that too or does that all come out of your pot?