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Original poster

Help me deal with/vent about DD’s idolising ExH’s girlf.

48 replies

CrumpetsForAll · 06/04/2021 10:44

It’s great she’s clearly very warm and kind to them, and her and ExH have planned some really creative fun activities over the Easter hols (elaborate egg hunt, canoe trip, hired a bike trailer each, drove miles out for a beach picnic)

DDs are 6 and 8 and the youngest in particular cannot stop going on about her, everything I do here it’s ‘Girlf did this with me’ ‘when I grow up I want to be a police officer just like girlf’ and most cuttingly, when I complimented her on her soft skin ‘yes it’s just like Girlf’s!’

They’ve been together over 5.5 years and she was the OW in the affair that ended the marriage. I thought I was doing great and not really caring any more but this week has been super hard! They don’t usually do that much with my DDs tbh but I think the long weekend must have coincided with her not being on shift and his contact weekend. I also feel guilty I have neither the cash nor physical resources to do these activities with them (or at least not in such rapid succession!) as I’m recovering from abdominal surgery- though as I said I am glad someone’s getting them out of the house.

So I’m probably feeling a bit shit about myself anyway right now. I don’t want to say anything to either DD about it so was hoping to vent here!

OP posts:
Dnadoon · 06/04/2021 10:56

That must be difficult especially as she was OW. Your Dds will have no concept of that and neither should they. It must be really hard for you to hear all that shit but it all sounds really lovely and healthy for your Dds, Try and be pleased for them but I would think it feels like a thump in the guts for you, vent away on here Easter Smile Flowers for you

Original poster
CrumpetsForAll · 06/04/2021 11:05

Thanks @Dnadoon -I absolutely am pleased for them in an objective, long term sense but obviously I’m not a saint! We co parent amicably and have done parties/plays etc with ExH, me and her in attendance so we do get on ok but I don’t need to hear how great she is 5 times a day right now is all!

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 06/04/2021 11:07

Agree it's hard because she was the OW.

He left for her and it's not easy to see your DDs idolising her too.

But the reality is they don't see it like that. They see a woman they probably don't remember not being in dads life.

And remember the reason they are so full of "dad and GF did this with us ..... blah blah blah" is because it's unusual. They'll learn to see who is just PT fun parents and who is the one who's been there through every single thing for them and facilitated most of their childhoods and not just the fun stuff.

Thanks

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JaneExotic · 06/04/2021 11:25

I had the same. Tbf, the OW was great with the children better than EXH I was able to see that my DCs were lucky to have extra people to love them.

Tickledtrout · 06/04/2021 11:40

That's going to hurt. Your little girl is just at that girly girly age. Maybe offer to paint her toe nails, make face packs, let her try on your jewelry?
So she was a few months old when they started their affair? I wouldn't feel too guilty about moaning about them tbh.

senua · 06/04/2021 11:49

elaborate egg hunt, canoe trip, hired a bike trailer each, drove miles out for a beach picnic
Oh dear. They've set the bar a bit high for themselves, haven't they? They can't keep that standard up.

This always amuses me.

Original poster
CrumpetsForAll · 06/04/2021 12:19

Ha! @senua thanks for that ad- that’s exactly it! I also adopt the same bemused tone which I think my eldest might be half detecting...

@Tickledtrout great minds- I’ve spent the morning doing elaborate mani-pedis (including a ladybird on her thumb that I’m extremely pleased with!) and they’re both feeling very grown up, haven’t heard her name in a while at least Smile

I don’t know when the affair started but I discovered it when youngest was 6mo. She was/is a colleague of his who attended our wedding so yeah, quite the dick move on both their parts but after a while being pissed off about it every day was only hurting me so I’ve worked hard to be as cool with it as I can be... this week it’s frustrating that I feel like that’s been undone a bit but it’s hopefully just bcs I’m a bit laid up and with lockdown I can’t do cinema/cafe/play dates like I usually would.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrumpetsForAll · 06/04/2021 12:26

Also to add to my little pity party: I’m not allowed wine for another two days!! Angry

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 06/04/2021 12:29

Oh gosh, OP, that sounds incredibly hard to hear. Just keep reminding yourself that it's great for your dds to have a positive relationship with this woman, however you might feel about it privately.

And remember that, no matter how much they go on about how wonderful she is, you're still their mum and they love you best of all.Flowers

moochingtothepub · 06/04/2021 12:37

It's going to hurt especially as she was the ow but ultimately it's great you can coparent well and the kids are obviously loved so much. Here many stepparents seem to barely tolerate their dp's kids.

They are obviously going a little over the top to make the kids happy but try not to get down about it. Perhaps that's the cue for you to find mr right?

OctupusObsidian · 06/04/2021 13:40

Hmmmm, is there any chance she may be about to announce a pregnancy?

Original poster
CrumpetsForAll · 06/04/2021 13:42

@OctupusObsidian I’ve thought that several times over the past few years but she’s really into a contact sport and the last time I saw her a few weeks ago she was in the kit.

OP posts:
Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 13:44

Your dc are imo going to feel conned when they find out how df and her came about...

Pollypocket89 · 06/04/2021 13:50

Why would that be a good thing to say they'll feel conned? Yes it's shit she was the ow but the children sound well taken care of and it's been years

Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 13:50

Where did I say a good thing?

Trixie78 · 06/04/2021 13:51

@CrumpetsForAll

Also to add to my little pity party: I’m not allowed wine for another two days!! Angry
I know it's awful for you to hear DDs idolising OW but this is the part that truly makes my heart break for you xx 💐
Honeyroar · 06/04/2021 13:52

You got to rationalise it. Your daughters adore you, you know that. While I can understand it’s hard, at least they’re happy when they’re with their dad and his partner cares for them. Imagine if he’d left and gone off with someone who was cold and uncaring towards them... At least you don’t have to worry about them. Keep your chin up.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 13:53

You sound like an amazing parent OP.

Honeyroar · 06/04/2021 13:53

And they’ll grow out of it soon.
Ps, agree with Trixie, the lack of wine thing is just as sad to read!

MolyHolyGuacamole · 06/04/2021 13:57

It's that age as well! I look after a little girl the same age once a week and her mum says all she does is talk about when next she's seeing me the whole week. It's a bit of a novelty for her is all, don't take it personally, I'm sure it'll wear off! Then drink all of the wine when you can Wink

SandyY2K · 06/04/2021 14:07

I saw something similar. The new GF was doing tik tok videos with her DD and raving about how great she was.

Hopefully they'll grow out of it soon. Try and distract them to talk about something else or just smile.

Sansaplans · 06/04/2021 14:11

@Chocolateismakingmefat

Your dc are imo going to feel conned when they find out how df and her came about...
Why would they ever need to know? Doesn't seem like that would be in their best interests, so it would only be said out of spite which isn't fair.

OP that does sound really tough, I would feel the same. I know objectively in an ideal world you'd be happy they are having a good time etc, but none of us are saints and I think a lot would struggle! It'll probably pass soon enough.

Original poster
CrumpetsForAll · 06/04/2021 14:12

@Chocolateismakingmefat I also had this concern, and didn’t want there to be a ‘secret’ for either of them to uncover at any stage. The party line we all agreed on is that mummy and daddy were married but daddy wanted to have Girlf as his girlfriend so we had to stop being married. I’ve told ExH I won’t lie for him but also won’t vilify him. The girls haven’t questioned it, I imagine in years to come some pennies might drop.

@Butwasitherdriveway Thankyou! I mean, youngest has had her top on back to front all morning and it only got changed after she got lunch all over it, just to give the full picture!

@MolyHolyGuacamole this is really reassuring- thanks!

To whom ever said about me getting a fella of my own- it is part of the plan and I was hoping to start just as lockdown #1 kicked in and now I’m hoping to recover fully from my op but yeah- I’m ready!

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 06/04/2021 14:14

Your dc are imo going to feel conned when they find out how df and her came about... There is absolutely no reason why they ever need to know that.

Telling the children in a situation where the parent and the OW have stayed together, have maintained interest in and a good relationship with the children is more about the other parent wanting to stick the knife in and has absolutely no basis and benefits no-one. In fact it’s deliberately designed to hurt the children.

Obviously the OP isn’t going to do this, but some would, and others would encourage it.

Original poster
CrumpetsForAll · 06/04/2021 14:16

RE the girls knowing the circumstances of their relationship- unfortunately part of the reason they were discovered was another colleague knowing my sister and telling her. We (all 3) agreed it was possibly unrealistic to go forward assuming they’d never know.

OP posts: