Help me deal with/vent about DD’s idolising ExH’s girlf.

[CrumpetsForAll]

It’s great she’s clearly very warm and kind to them, and her and ExH have planned some really creative fun activities over the Easter hols (elaborate egg hunt, canoe trip, hired a bike trailer each, drove miles out for a beach picnic)

DDs are 6 and 8 and the youngest in particular cannot stop going on about her, everything I do here it’s ‘Girlf did this with me’ ‘when I grow up I want to be a police officer just like girlf’ and most cuttingly, when I complimented her on her soft skin ‘yes it’s just like Girlf’s!’

They’ve been together over 5.5 years and she was the OW in the affair that ended the marriage. I thought I was doing great and not really caring any more but this week has been super hard! They don’t usually do that much with my DDs tbh but I think the long weekend must have coincided with her not being on shift and his contact weekend. I also feel guilty I have neither the cash nor physical resources to do these activities with them (or at least not in such rapid succession!) as I’m recovering from abdominal surgery- though as I said I am glad someone’s getting them out of the house.

So I’m probably feeling a bit shit about myself anyway right now. I don’t want to say anything to either DD about it so was hoping to vent here!

That's a really good way to put it OP.

It sounds like you're handling it really well. I think your approach is very sensible - honesty about the facts, so there is no shocking surprise later, without drawing them into the emotional side, which would be unfair on them.

Hope you soon find a dp who is worthy of you.

I don't think the children never need to know, if they ask, but I do think it can be relayed in a certain way so that they still feel comfortable having relationships with everyone involved. What you don't want is them being so hurt by what they're told that they stop wanting to see their dad, or they start rejecting his partner when they've had a good friendship up until then.

OP you sound totally reasonable and I can tell you're not one who's waiting for the day to come where you can reveal all about the split, as some are.

I can totally appreciate how tempting it is to want to let them know that it wasn't your choice to split up the family (not aimed at you OP, but any person in your position), but when it's been years and things are settled with happy kids, it does beg the question does it really achieve anything?

@Bibidy yeah the point is that there isn’t a big reveal they ‘knew’ in an age appropriate way all along. As she was a sort of family friend before (she’d been to bbqs etc, not crazy close) what I didn’t want was them forming a really close relationship then discovering when they’re 14 or whatever that they’d had an affair and feeling really compromised and uncomfortable about that relationship. My sister has girls a similar age so I was worried about cousins gossiping.

Wow, I think it sounds like you're handling the whole scenario admirably. Give yourself a big (gentle) pat on the back! She's basically Disney adult - she has the time and space to do all the fun stuff and isn't reminding them to brush their teeth/do their reading or worrying about if they need new shoes or go to the dentist or any of the myriad other vital invisible parenting tasks.

It sucks but they love you more

@JaneExotic

I had the same. Tbf, the OW was great with the children better than EXH I was able to see that my DCs were lucky to have extra people to love them.

I totally agree with this.

Also - I wonder whether it's of come comfort that the affair wasn't "for nothing"? In that it's stayed the distance.

I can see why you're pissed off.

My ex does the fun stuff and none of the real graft.

You are a wonderful mother. And I'm sure doing all the right things. Feeling hurt is understandable.

I too wouldn't lie to my children. Although mine were older just said daddy wasn't in love with mummy anymore and is happy with xxxx now. They have spells of doing days out that the kids are in awe about because it happens infrequently. So makes them happy. I just smile and nod.

Hope you have wine chilling for 48 hours time

@CrumpetsForAll

RE the girls knowing the circumstances of their relationship- unfortunately part of the reason they were discovered was another colleague knowing my sister and telling her. We (all 3) agreed it was possibly unrealistic to go forward assuming they’d never know.

Secrets and lies are terrible for children so I agree that them knowing in age appropriate ways is the best.

Finding out a lot of things later, which they inevitably do, is worse.

@Basketandshoestore I think I realised I was moving on when it got to an anniversary of the discovery and I thought ‘thought they’d have broken up by now’ but then immediately thought ‘crap that’d be awfully disruptive for the girls’.

On the other hand, after worrying about DDs, if I did hear she’d cheated on him I would race somewhat breathlessly to dissect this over wine with friends but I guess who wouldn’t over an ex with a messy break up.

Eldest DD told me this afternoon I was ‘probably the world expert’ at making macaroni cheese so things are looking up! Perhaps they get mention-itis if me at their house which is probably way more awkward given the circs

It sounds like you’re doing a great job. Slightly off topic, but just t a thought as you said you recently had abdominal surgery. Did you take antibiotics? There’s more and more evidence that antibiotics use can affect mood due to disturbance of gut flora (you said them mentioning GF was bothering you a bit more than usual) so might also be worth taking a good probiotic as well as reminding yourself how amazing you are.

@fizzandchips yep I’m just finishing a course- that’s interesting thanks as I do just feel in a bit of a funk. I’d put it down to lockdown etc but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear it’s antibiotics as I just don’t feel as resilient as usual.

You're their mum, their constant and that is all. You can also paint ladybirds on thumbs and this is a very useful skill indeed!

Hope you recover from your surgery soon.

@Tickledtrout

That's going to hurt. Your little girl is just at that girly girly age. Maybe offer to paint her toe nails, make face packs, let her try on your jewelry? So she was a few months old when they started their affair? I wouldn't feel too guilty about moaning about them tbh.

Eh? What's girly girly about cycling, canoeing, Easter egg hunting and wanting to be a police officer?

I hope this gets easier for you.

In my case I'm the step mum (though thankfully they were divorced before I came on the scene) and his XW finds it really grating when the boys tell her everything we did (though she can well afford to do the same). For a while I held back because I didn't want to cause her angst but I genuinely love to do the things I was taking her sons too (along with my son) - hiking, camping, canoeing etc and I didn't want them to miss out just because she prefers "girly" activities. She recently said to the mediation she's thankful that I'm kind to her children but I can see how it would be hard when someone else is doing the fun aspects of parenting with your kids, especially if you end up with the less exciting aspects. It's almost like Disney Dads .. but with step mums! I guess try to step back and think of the positives - she clearly likes spending time with your girls and the more to love them the better. You see so many posts on here where step mums don't even want their step children around an extra contact day let alone do anything with them. Silver linings?

@Rtmhwales appreciate being a SM must sometimes pose challenges with boundaries, I don’t usually feel like this but OTOH they don’t usually do all these activities (or I don’t hear about them if they do).

No idea how the Gf feels about extra contact days but dad has never asked and my darling girls were dropped home an hour after I got home from hospital, bang on their bedtime which I must admit I was a bit about.

It does stick about the Disney shit. Our only real source of conflict these days is the girls’ homework which just doesn’t get done if they’re there on a school night. They both work a shift pattern so it’s hard for contact not to include school nights but it infuriates me that neither of them will listen to a child read for 15 minutes but that they can spend time devising anagrams and cryptic clues for an Easter hunt.

I’m sure if I said this I’d get a ‘well what do you want, now you’re upset about the hunt’ sort of response but I don’t see why with him it always has to be these two poles of ‘amazing kid centred 4 days’ and ‘daddy forgot my book bag again’. Just consistency would be fine...

I was that kid. When my grandparents separated, my grandfather had a beautiful relationship with an amazing lady (she passed away, unfortunately). My grandmother was bitter, but I wouldn't say she tried to turn me against this lady. I did feel the tension, though.

Sorry, too soon. You seem an amazing mom, OP! I agree re "disney adult", and I understand why it can get annoying. Hope it gets easier soon

Perhaps they get mention-itis if me at their house which is probably way more awkward given the circs

I don't think it would be that awkward after 5.5 years to be honest. You say your children are aware of how they met, and they're obviously fine with it and enjoy spending time with both of them; I mean this kindly, but perhaps it's time to stop giving it so much headspace and move on? It's over half a decade, that's a long time really. Absolutely reasonable though to say about forgetting the book bag etc to him, and reiterate that it's reasonable for homework to be done on their contact evenings.

You sound like a very reasonable woman.

What a piece of work he is, they both are.

That must have been so painful combined with a very young baby.

I really hope you meet someone who deserves you.

Sansaplan - you can move on - I have new DP and never want EX back. However, no one ever gets over the feeling of being betrayed - OP had a 6 month old , ergo they were shagging when she was pregnant and probably longer - that is a wrold of hurt that never goes away.

OP is as often happens being the bigger person and ensuring her DCS have a good relationship with their DF. However, every so often when the other parent does somethign wonderful, I still get a pang of regret and hurt - that is human..

AS to finding another partner - she had a new born and a toddler who are still young and working. Where was this magical time going to come from for dating.

OP hope you feel better, those of us who have been there swallowed the OW pride and been the bigger person - totally get you having moment.

I think it’s perfectly fine to feel both glad that they get along and also want to shove the Easter eggs up her arse

You’re doing great and I’m sure they’re telling her that too

Thanks All @Sansaplans I don’t usually feel how I did yesterday but @bogoffmda gets it!

Sometimes I am annoyed that ExH basically did whatever he wanted knowing I wouldn’t do anything to screw up my daughters’ emotionally- essentially deciding he could treat me as he liked and hold their mental well-being to ransom to ensure I’d just suck it up and smooth over any wrinkles for him.

But not today! Today we are writing letters to their very locally based school friends and walking (slooowly) to the post box to post them. While this sounds pointless and dull they are for some reason ridiculously excited?! Prompted after Eldest DD asked what stamps are for yesterday. Will probably be hoovering up glitter for the next month, obv...

OP - hang in there - Easter egg hunts happen every year!

Writing your first letter with glitter and using a post box for the first time are unique moments.

We are bigger people, but we are human, hurt just like others and do have feelings - even those who hurt us most abuse them and sometimes ridicule the odd moment of woe is me.