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Original poster

Partner cannot watch the dc without my help.

82 replies

startfrom1 · 05/04/2021 16:57

It's actually getting beyond ridiculous now.

We have 3 dc aged under 10. He would look after them whilst I worked before they started school. Recently though he's really struggling to look after them by himself.

Some examples:
I had to work one Saturday recently and he called me up 4 times to ask/ tell me things that could have waited.

If I pop to the shop without dc, when I get back he tells me how difficult they have been. I was gone for 20 minutes max and when I got back they were all sat reading and didn't look like they had been difficult. He says from now on they will have to come with me.

I had a shower and by the time I was drying he was calling for me to come and help.

He literally cannot be left for 5 minutes without needed me to come and help.

It's driving me mad and It's embarrassing as people have noticed too.

Anyone else have a dp that acts like this?

OP posts:
bananamonkey · 05/04/2021 19:42

He can do it, he just doesn’t want to.

DarkMatterA2Z · 05/04/2021 19:44

How old are they? If you have triplets under 2, he may have a point (although he'd still need to learn as a parent. If not, what a pathetic ass!

Silverfly · 05/04/2021 19:44

OP you absolutely must keep leaving them with him and saying "don't be silly" if he moans. Don't pander to him!

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Families
MySocalledLoaf · 05/04/2021 19:47

I’d be taking him to the GP as I’d be worried about a learning difficulty. Can he hold down a job if he can’t take care of his own children?

FuckingFabulous · 05/04/2021 19:48

No, definitely not acceptable. My husband has ADHD, finds it really hard to tolerate more than one sound at once and loses the thread of his concentration exceptionally easily and even he has coping strategies to ensure he's a present, engaging and fully responsible father for his children, even when they're acting like candidates for boot camp. In my opinion, he's doing this to make his pathetic inability to cope become so tiresome that you're going to give up on asking him. I imagine now that his kids are older, asking questions and arguing with one another and not leaving him to do whatever while they're plonked in front of CBeebies, he's not so keen on parenting.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2021 19:49

You have 4 children, not 3. It's not that he can't manage his own children, he just can't be bothered. Stop pandering to this bullshit.

OysterMonkey · 05/04/2021 19:50

He literally cannot be left for 5 minutes without needed me to come and help

Yes he can. It’s called strategic incompetence.
He’s choosing to not look after HIS children. Which is a dick move.
And (and I realise this is going to sound harsh, so I apologise in advance) but you’re not helping by pandering to his put on incompetence.
Just leave him to it. They are his children, he is never going to be able to deal with them if you let him get away with these tactics.

MadeForThis · 05/04/2021 19:50

He obviously needs more practice. Leave him alone every day until he's nailed it.

Mumdiva99 · 05/04/2021 19:50

Turn your phone off at work, turn your phone off if you go out without him. He's not an idiot. He will cope.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 19:53

If I pop to the shop without dc, when I get back he tells me how difficult they have been. I was gone for 20 minutes max and when I got back they were all sat reading and didn't look like they had been difficult. He says from now on they will have to come with me.

So don't tell him. Put your keys and purse in a bag where he can't see and just leave.

Stop telling him where you're going.

Don't answer your phone.

You come back you tell him to man the fuck up and be a father.

VettiyaIruken · 05/04/2021 19:54

Tell him you're genuinely concerned that he doesn't know how to be a parent and it must make him feel like an absolute failure and you think he would benefit from a parenting course.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 05/04/2021 19:55

@MadeForThis

He obviously needs more practice. Leave him alone every day until he's nailed it.
Yep, agree with this, he needs more practise so he can get better at it. That's how practising something works, you do it more, not less.

And yes, this is a deliberate tactic so that you learn it's more hassle to leave him with the kids than just do it yourself. Really shit behaviour, he sees you as the default parent with ultimate responsibility.

canigooutyet · 05/04/2021 20:31

Another friend babied their partner when they pulled this crap. Even gave them a proper routine including bedtime and a reward card. Studied the partner to give them a primary age and treated them like that.

Want to watch Ghostbusters, play the 15 game. Explained to them like you would a child about it being inappropriate.
And who's a silly billy wanting a beer.
Football on Sunday? You're going to have to miss that week unfortunately as other things needed to be done. MAybe if you're dad was still with us they'd take you. But oh well, not a lot you can do is there?
Confiscated the mobile and when mates would ring, sorry Billy cannot come and play he's in bed, has home work, chores to do etc.

Much to friends disappointment only lasted about a week as they had gotten used to being alone from around 7:30. And the partner realised what a dick they had been and grew up. haha.

Yes we still rip the piss out of Billy a lot of years later.

Mate had clearly lost the plot after various other things had been tried and it really was grow up or leave. Up to that point the relationship on the verge of collapse and Billy told to grow up because once finished, they would be solely responsible for half of the year for everything to do with the children.

FeckinCat · 05/04/2021 20:38

He literally cannot be left for 5 minutes without needed me to come and help.

He can. He's just choosing not to in the hopes that you'll decide he's incapable and let him opt out of being a parent.

If he's genuinely useless, then two things will help:

  1. Signing himself up for a parenting course so that he can learn what to do.

  2. Get plenty of practice.

If he refuses to do either of those things then you'll know that he's pretending to be incompetent.

Original poster
startfrom1 · 05/04/2021 20:54

I am starting to wonder if he has any medical conditions such as autism as there are other things that have concerned me.

He doesn't like the dc to touch him if they have dirty hands.

He cannot read a book or newspaper after he's showered as it makes him feel dirty.

He HATES loud noises.

Obviously people with autism can raise children, but wondering if it could all be Linked.

OP posts:
FeckinCat · 05/04/2021 21:44

What exactly is it that he wants you to do when he asks you to "come and help"?

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 21:48

@startfrom1

I am starting to wonder if he has any medical conditions such as autism as there are other things that have concerned me.

He doesn't like the dc to touch him if they have dirty hands.

He cannot read a book or newspaper after he's showered as it makes him feel dirty.

He HATES loud noises.

Obviously people with autism can raise children, but wondering if it could all be Linked.

More than likely he does not. Don't even go there. It's still not an excuse. Does he behave like that at work?
Chocolateismakingmefat · 05/04/2021 21:51

Twatism isn't a recognised condition...

Rtmhwales · 05/04/2021 21:56

Honestly if DP told me he couldn't look after the kids I'd say it's like any other job .. the more you practice it the better you get. I'd leave more and turn my phone on silent. If he can manage a job he can manage children.

Rtmhwales · 05/04/2021 21:59

Also, as an aside to your last comment. I have autism. I am able to parent my children. There's parts I struggle with (when they're loud or constantly touching me, I'm not keen on touch especially) but I kind of just get on with it. Then DP gives me a break and I decompress somewhere, usually in a darkened bathroom under a hot shower or standing in the back garden away from the noise. I've found ways of coping because I chose to have children.

Seafog · 05/04/2021 22:02

One: he is being lazy
Two: every time your respond or reduce him, it reinforces that behavior
Three: half the men in our family have autism, they all manage to parent just fine, even if it requires a few more trips to the sink to wash hands

RedGoldAndGreene · 05/04/2021 22:05

Was he like this when he had 1dc and 2dc?

He's massively taking the piss not coping while you work or pop to the shops for 20 minutes. He needs more practice. What would he do if you became too ill to look after the kids ?

I'm feeling very angry that he's pulling this tactical helplessness. Even if you had 1 year old triplets, he should be able to cope just as you do every day.

Ragwort · 05/04/2021 22:06

How can you tolerate this - ask him point blank how he will cope if you drop dead.

Has he always been like this, did he help more with your first child (did he want three?).

FeckinCat · 05/04/2021 22:07

@startfrom1

I am starting to wonder if he has any medical conditions such as autism as there are other things that have concerned me.

He doesn't like the dc to touch him if they have dirty hands.

He cannot read a book or newspaper after he's showered as it makes him feel dirty.

He HATES loud noises.

Obviously people with autism can raise children, but wondering if it could all be Linked.

My DC have autism and zero experience of being a parent. Both of them would be capable of keeping an eye on 3 under-10s for 5 minutes without having to call for help.

If there was something that they hadn't been entirely sure about, they would ask for advice on what to do before being left with those children again. They would also only call me at work if there was an absolute emergency.

If your DP has made it to the point in life where he is in a long-term relationship and has produced 3 children, he is clearly capable of staying in a room with those 3 children for 5 minutes without being assisted by another adult.

  • If he finds noise difficult, he can buy noise-cancelling headphones.
  • If he doesn't like them touching him with dirty hands, he can either send them to wash their hands or hand them a wet-wipe.
  • If he doesn't like touching books/newspapers after showering, he can read at another time or wear protective gloves.

As a parent, he needs to find strategies that enable him to work around his difficulties. He doesn't get to just opt out on the grounds that he finds it all a bit difficult.

MsSquiz · 05/04/2021 22:14

Are you my SIL?! My BIL (DH's brother) is exactly like this and it is ridiculous the lengths the whole family go to to placate him! Even when they just had 1 child, MIL would go round to "help" with bath and bed time when SIL worked 1 evening a week. PIL have both passed comment that SIL should give up work as the was 1 busy afternoon with work, an appointment and parents evening - BIL doesn't work!

He has never parented his own children! Only today he plonked 4 year old twins in front of the tv while SIL took their oldest and the dog out for a sponsored walk, so he could have a nap in peace! The kids walk on eggshells around him and it is awful to see!

He is just as much their parent as you are, and there is no reason he cannot look after (not "watch", not "babysit") his own children!

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