Help me stay strong

[Narlathefrog]

This morning when my DP left for work. I packed his bags and put them outside and locked the door. Messaged him and told him his stuff was outside, and if he needs anything else, I will arrange to get it to him when I am able. Blocked him on everything.

He has been mentally abusive for a long time. Yesterday we were having a fabulous day, until he took offence that I was messaging my best friend (one of my only friends, since being a relationship with him) during "our day together" I used to hide the fact I was messaging friends, until recently, during the lockdown he seemed to have turned a corner, we were actually really happy. I though prehaps things had changed.

I was so wrong. He will never change. I had to listen to hour and hours of abuse towards me last night. Saying I was pathetic, sad, didn't love him, loved my friend more than him etc.. it goes on and on.

This man is in his 50s!

I cant take it anymore but Im asking for a handhold and the strength not to let him back in. I love him so much, despite all this, but he is never going to change, and I can't keep on being controlled financially and emotionally.

I am worried that he might try and come in the house as he knows I have to go out later. I am thinking a note stuck on the door would work? Saying he is not to enter the house, and I doing so would lead to his arrest

(The house is rented in my name, and we've had police involvement for domestic in the distant past)

Do you think that might work?

Please help me stay strong on this..
I love him so much, there are of course, wonderful things about him..
But I deserve so much more.

Congratulations.
First step towards a free, happy life.
No advice, just wanted to congratulate the strong, confident woman that is moving on up

I think you should take more robust precautions than a note on the door to keep him out.
Is he likely to accept the situation?
I think I would stay at home today unless it’s essential to go out and speak to your landlord about changing the locks tomorrow
Good luck

Unfortunately it is essential I go out later, and he knows what time.

Hes not accepting this is happening, I think he was knocking the door this morning, but I didn't go look. Last time I saw his belongings were still outside.

He rang off another phone and left me a voicemail begging to come back, and he not going to sleep in the car.

Landlord isn't someone I really want to contact, because of him we had issues paying the rent and not long got on top of that. I dont want to draw any attention to our house unless I really cannot help it.

You really need to change the locks before putting his stuff out and telling him it's over. You're taking the control away from him, it's the most dangerous time for a STBEx victim.

Very best of luck to you, Narla

Have you got a bolt inside the front door ? That may make it more difficult for him to get back in.
Stay safe- and well done
Today is the first day of the rest of your life 😀

I dont know if I'm should, or supposed to getting in contact with the police at all, he hates the police, and when we had an incident in the past they told me I could always contact them, and my details/address was on a quick response list.
I mean, nothing terrible has happened, but should I be telling someone in authority?
Could they help? I just don't know.

@Narlathefrog Hi Narla! I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm so glad you recognise his behaviour is wrong. What a horrible man to keep hurting you like that.

As for staying strong, keep in mind how he makes you feel when he's abusive. Don't minimise his nasty behaviour, his so-called 'good' qualities do not make up for any amount of abuse. In any case, anyone can be 'nice' when everything's going their way. It's when things go wrong that tells you what he's really like.

Also, have you tried the Freedom programme? And two books, one by Gavin de Becker called ' The Gift of Fear', the other one is by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why Does He Do That?'

Keep posting on here if you need to. We're here for you!
Stay strong, Narla.

I don’t have any experience of your situation, but since the police have said what they did, it wouldn’t hurt to pre war them about the situation

My head is just spinning. I can't believe I've actually done it.. unfortunately I've hardly slept as when he started the hours of mental torture j had a few drinks as I just couldn't take it.
And as he carried on and on and on at me, I quietly planned how I might finally get away from this. I just haven't slept. I've tried to sleep this morning and I still can't.
I am utterly exhausted.

He was just mentally running me down until about 4am this morning. I'm so tired, but I know I need to keep focused and strong.

@Narlathefrog Yes, keep in contact with the police. Let them know what is going on. And don't hesitate to call them. This is the time you need them to help you.

If I'm honest, if I was you, I'd move away without telling anyone where you're going. I'd change my name too. Fresh start and he won't know where/who you are. However that's just me.

What sort of locks do you have op? Same back and front? Swap barrels. Leave key in the back of the back door. If he is seen repeatedly trying the front if it's visible someone may ring the police.. Locksmith and change both may be expensive today.
.

I would let the police know, you’re on their rapid response list for a reason - it’s possible they see more risk in your situation than you do, because you’re living with it. With respect, it doesn’t matter whether he likes the police or not, it’s easy for him to stay off their radar.

No need for a note, but do have the locks changed (tell the landlord you lost your keys).

Well done, it’s not easy to end an abusive relationship and you do indeed deserve much better.

Are you in a HA house? They will change the locks for you today if you say you have lost your keys.

Private rented.

I would love to move far far away but unfortunately I have family I take care of. I can never leave here.

I've wrote the note as I have to go out in the next few hours, so even if I could get locks changed, it wouldn't help me right now.

I have wrote on the note that if he attempts to enter the house, he will be arrested.

I'm calling his bluff, but thats all I can do.

To a PP who said about the rapid response, I also did clares law once, but the police only told me about some incidents I already knew with his ex... but whilst i was there, I got a feeling that there was more, that they couldn't disclose. They also told me there was some gaps in what they knew, as he was originally from a different part of England.

I think there's stuff I don't know about him, so you might be right, the police might be concerned for me for bigger reasons.

Well done on kicking him out. What you can do is call on a friend or neighbor to help you. All you need them to do is stay in the house while you're out, with the door locked and not let him in or talk to him.

I don't know if anywhere is open to buy a new lock because it's bank holiday, Wicks or B&Q or similar maybe. If not and you can afford it, get an emergency locksmith out. You can change the barrel on a Yale lock easily enough. If you keep the old barrel and keys, you can change it back when you end your tenancy, so your landlord will never know.

The only way the landlord would find out you changed the lock is if they tried to let themselves in while you were out, which they have no legal right to do. So if they ever complain about the changed lock, asking them how they know it's been changed should shut them up!

I suspect it would be best to have your landlord onside though. If you explain the rental problems were down to ex, apologize and say you've kicked him out. Ask permission to change the lock yourself, which as it's no bother they should grant you. It could save wasted time and money if your ex contacts the landlord saying the lock is broken and needs a locksmith, or whatever excuse he might use to try to gain entry.

A note on the door definitely won't work because he'll want to get one over on you, so he'll probably go in and wait for you to come home then refuse to leave. If that happens call the police. Don't even bother having an argument with him. You know he won't go voluntarily so if you see he's in there just call the police and wait outside for them to arrive.

The tenancy is in your name so he has no right to stay, whether he's abusive or whether he's god's gift to women makes no difference. Whether he has anywhere to go makes no difference. But do tell the police he's abusive and refusing to accept the relationship is over. It's better to call them and have him quietly removed than have a row and upset the neighbours who could complain to the landlord.

Every time ex returns call the police. Especially if he's making noise. Your landlord can't end your tenancy for antisocial behaviour reasons if you're calling the police on him each time he's there causing havoc. Not calling the police is seen as allowing it or being part of it.

I would speak to the police again op.
. Maybe try calling different district stations.

Unfortunately, our neighbours are lovely. Really lovely, and know us a happy, sunshiney couple, he is very chatty and friendly and I am more reserved, its a close community, I cant ask for help or involvement from neighbours.
Even worse, my all female neighbours on one side, think I'm the problem, after he pretty much laid all blame on to me, when they came around concerned after a particularly bad situation where I finally lost it after hours and hours of abuse and walked out.

I'm really struggling. I'm writing all this, but my stomach is in knots and already thinking of him not being around is breaking my heart, like really hurting... he is good to me, and does alot for me and when we are good, we are wonderful.

But I know he's abusive, cruel, immature and when is enough, enough? I knew I was going to start twisting my head in knots.

He is not good to you! He's abusive to you. The fact he's nice sometimes is irrelevant. It doesn't excuse the abuse. There is no "ok amount" of abuse based on how nice he is when he's not being abusive. Being a decent person isn't a luxury or a treat, it's the minimum you should expect at all times.

I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to stop putting barriers in the way and start thinking of solutions. Ok you can't ask neighbors for help, so stop dwelling on that and think who can you ask? You don't want to call police or landlord, well sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Getting rid of a nuisance person takes guts and sometimes a bit of willpower. You've done the hard part, now you need to harness your inner resolve and keep going with what needs to be done. You're ending something, change makes us feel uncomfortable, it's natural and you have to be prepared to tolerate that feeling.

I know he's abusive, cruel, immature and when is enough, enough?.

When you first find this out. That's the point to walk away, when you first realise. No giving them a chance to change, no thinking they'll be different with you, no making excuses for their behaviour. Just a decision not to be with someone abusive/cruel/immature and the courage to stand by your decision. Nobody ever deserves to be treated like he has treated you.

If you were my neighbour I’d help. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and all that.
Reach out - you may be surprised 😊

I cross posted with you and didn't see your update about the Claire's Law. You'll be helping the next person who gets involved with him by reporting him. Good call putting in the note that he'll be arrested. Make sure he is. He has no right to enter your home so contact police even if he's not there but there's signs he's been there. If the landlord is likely to be difficult about changing the locks the police might be able to speak to them about why it's necessary. It's really not a bother to the landlord if you're paying for it and organising it. Make sure you keep any receipts though to prove it was you who paid, for when you move out, so the landlord can't keep part of your deposit as payment for new locks.

At least with him gone you can do some social things to make new friends. Once the neighbours get to know you as a single person they'll see you're not a problem person. It'll be obvious when any strange behaviour you had stops once he's gone. Sound like he's driving you to drink, not good. You can get through this.

If you are going to leave the house empty when you go out, be careful when you get back as he could be hiding in there.

Definitely keep reporting him, men like him can escalate quite quickly to physical violence. As pp has said, you could save the next woman. Just remember, abuse is deliberate, calculated bullying. It's against the law. And against all human decency.

Make sure your actions/speech consistently tell him that his attitude, speech and behaviour are totally wrong.

If you feel worried that he could be lying in wait for you, ask if the police could meet you at the front door and they can check the house.

I would suggest getting the locks changed before you go out. Definitely tell the police what's happened.

And rather than telling yourself how much you love him and how good he is to you - reframe it. You love him, but he sure as shit doesn't love you. Would you treat someone you love the way he treats you? He's dangerous. Dont let him back in or it will be a million times worse.