Losing friends and questioning my parenting!

[Emily920]

When I fell pregnant, multiple people told me I would very quickly find out who my real friends were. Never did I believe them until today.

I noticed my sister in law/best friend of 10 years has been very distant with me since I give birth 3 years ago. I used to be heavily involved in her children’s life every day and when I give birth to my daughter, it wasn’t that easy. I found parenting really hard for the 1st 3-4 months, to the point I thought I was going to have a breakdown and not one person checked in on me or my daughter. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it and I just put it down to the fact everyone was as busy as I now was so I didn’t blame them. Today, I spoke to my sister in law/best friend for the 1st time in the last 12 months and we aired our differences. She admitted to me that she pulled herself away from me because my parenting grated on her. She said I am very over protective of my daughter and wrap her in cotton wool and no one can say anything to her or do anything because I’m protective and will say something. What she is actually referring to is when she used to call my daughter “that kid” all the time and there was one occasion on My daughters 1st Christmas when she told me to tell my 9 month old daughter to play with her own toys and not play with anyone else’s so I picked up my daughter and walked out of my family’s home on Christmas Day because she was just rude and not considerate at all. She continued to tell me that I’m a stuck up parent and I think the sun shines out of my daughters a**!

I am protective of my daughter!! She is the most precious thing in my life! My daughter suffers with asthma and has been hospitalised more times than I can remember! I have seen her being resuscitated because she couldn’t breathe so if I’m protective of her, I have every reason to be! I might wrap her up in cotton wool but that’s just because she is precious and I would never want any harm to come her way!

My sister in law/best friend is a very laid back parent, doesn’t really discipline her children and has on multiple occasions been so laid back that it’s brought harm to her children.

We are just two very different parents! However before I had my daughter, we were the best of friends!!

How does this happen? I feel very sad today and I hate the thought of people hating on my daughter!! Do I stay civil or do I cut complete ties?

Thank you 😊

Sounds like you have very different parenting ideas. You both have to be accepting of that and agree to disagree if you want to remain friends. I can't see how you would manage it otherwise.

I mean this kindly but you also might want to reflect on your own behaviour. Walking out of the house on Christmas Day because someone told your dd to play with her own toys does sound like an overreaction.

I'm sure I read this yesterday?

My daughters 1st Christmas when she told me to tell my 9 month old daughter to play with her own toys and not play with anyone else’s so I picked up my daughter and walked out of my family’s home on Christmas Day because she was just rude and not considerate at all.

I guess context is everything here. If it was at the end of a long day where she had been picking at you incessantly then that's one thing.

However if your DD was playing with brand new toys belonging to older cousins and maybe putting them in her mouth etc then SIL was being reasonable asking you to distract her.

Walking out seems a very extreme reaction.

I guess the other thing to consider is, is your SIL alone in what she thinks, or have other friends made comments about you being over-protective etc?

If it is just one person then you may just have different parent styles.
If you are out of sync with a lot of others, maybe you are a bit over protective sometimes?

I think when a child has been poorly early on it must be hard to find the right balance. You feel very protective, but by the time they are 3 they have to start finding their own little place in the world sometimes too.

If you are an 'outlier' compared with parents of similar age children then that is the time to think whether you are doing your DC a disservice.

But you haven't really said.

Walking out?

You also sound extremely precious about your dd. I don't tolerate that kind of parenting, actually it's not parenting that that's the issue here it's your actual personality, it grates, I would have distanced from you too.

I've definitely distanced from friends who have parenting styles I find challenging.

One friend in particular:

• always talking about her kids
• always boasting about their achievements, every opportunity
• will not properly discipline them, even with hair pulling, toy grabbing, general naughty behaviour
• the child is 'spirited'. No, she's a nightmare because she doesn't have proper parenting
• fussing all the time over them. Constantly

When my DH asks 'who shall we have over to stay that weekend?' I never suggest them and my heart sinks when he does.

So whilst I can't comment on your parenting, I can see why if it isn't working for your friends let them go their own way.

If I’m at the point where someone else’s parenting decisions adversely affect me and my child, yeah, I tend to step back. If the things you’re doing with your DD mean that she / her kids have to change how they’re behaving, she may be quite reasonable.

At the Christmas when your dd was 9 months old, I assume she was actually telling you to do something. It's Christmas, so I assume someone else's toy she was playing with was a present for other children? If so, it's unreasonable for you to allow your dd to play with it even if she wanted to. So I don't think she was rude and inconsiderate if that's the case.
You may lose your friends if you can't see what you are doing from other people's pov.

I have a child with lots of medical issues. I never wanted to wrap him around in cotton wool. I want him to have as normal life as possible and experience everything other children experience as much as possible.

If you're a helicopter parent then yes I would distance myself from you too.

I understand that you want to be protective and for you, your dd is your complete world, but you're not doing her any favours by parenting like this. Google adverse effects from helicopter parent. Your dd will grow up stifled and unconfident. It's not to late to change this, take a deep breath and relax. Maybe you need some CBT for your anxiety around her?

I have tried to make a long story quite short but that particular Christmas she was constantly making remarks about my daughter, there was an atmosphere in the house and she was just being rude, I had enough and left.

My daughter wasn’t interested in her toys, she wanted to play with her cousins and what they were playing with. It’s hard to tell a 9 month old to stop playing with one set of toys and to play with her own. I was stupid to think that she would understand that!

OP didnt you post this yesterday?

How old were the cousins then?
Were their toys likely to get damaged by your DD?
Were the cousins getting upset by your DD ruining their enjoyment of their first play?

It is quite easy to stop a 9 month old surely? You pick them up and plonk them down elsewhere don't you?

Do you and SIL actually like each other?

It's not hard to redirect a nine month old. If you can't manage that, then how will you say no to her as she gets older and quite insistent? Saying no to children is an important part of parenting.

I would cut ties and find some new friends but would recommend looking for some who don’t have children as inflexible parenting doesn’t tend to help facilitate friendships.

You sound defensive and it sounds like you bear a grudge and then some. You are still harking back to “That Christmas” which was three years ago, and to your SIL not being in touch when the baby was first born (perhaps she had her own problems to deal with and thought, being the laidback mum she is, that you would be busy enjoying the baby and not want someone hovering offering well-meaning advice - or maybe she did think about trying to give advice but you had already launched yourself into a different style of parenting and she had nothing to offer).

She may be laidback, but That Christmas to me sounds like she was trying to say the toddler toys weren’t appropriate for the baby, and trying to join in with boisterous toddlers could actually lead to baby getting injured or upset, or a squabble over a toy that baby wanted to chew or throw or bang. You reacted by storming out on Christmas Day - sounds extreme to me. Certainly I would be distancing myself if I was your SIL, I don’t need that kind of behaviour in my kids’ lives or my own, and I expect she thought it best for everyone to stay apart.

Also what gives you the right to judge that her parenting has caused harm to her children? It is really important to allow children the independence to explore, and yes sometimes they get hurt. Some kids love to climb and run everywhere, and those adventurous types often do suffer bumps and bruises, or even broken arms and concussions. It doesn’t automatically mean it is bad parenting which is what you imply. I assume she isn’t letting them light fires and run in the road unsupervised?

Overall, sounds like the friendship is well and truly over and you need to accept your responsibility in what went wrong. You can hunt for some parents more like yourself to be friends with and leave your poor SIL in peace, stop judging and criticising and just be generally a nicer person, which would serve you well in future friendships.

My daughter wasn’t interested in her toys, she wanted to play with her cousins and what they were playing with. It’s hard to tell a 9 month old to stop playing with one set of toys and to play with her own. I was stupid to think that she would understand that!

In that situation toys are all new and there is a lot of excitement and I can imagine the other kids initially wanted their toys to themselves so might have been annoyed your dd would not leave them alone. You should have removed your dd from playing with their toys and put her focus elsewhere.

I think this is a probably a bit messier as not only were you best friends but also relatives which I find can complicate things. It's a bit of half a dozen of one and 6 of another at 9 months I would probably be inclined to redirect to her own toys but I get the impression your SIL has quite a negative attitude towards your daughter if shes calling her 'that kid' and picking during the day at you. Personally I'd struggle to come back from that even if my parenting style was the issue, as there are ways to have those conversations with a friend or family member which dont include basically not checking in on a new mum who has a poorly child. I think I'd be civil as she is a relative and mother of your DD cousin's but would probably respect that you are fundamentally very different people now than pre kids which is a shame but these things do happen.

i lost a friend of 20 years when i had my first child. Our parenting styles were just so different that it caused terrible tension.

you were unreasonable to storm out at christmas.

My sister in law is the one with the grudge. Her kids have been the centre of everyone’s world and still are. She has had nothing but love from everyone in my family, even when she got pregnant and didn’t know if the baby was my brothers!! We took her in, we supported her and I was the best Aunty I could be to her nieces and nephews! Not once have I ever commented on the fact that her 1 year old daughter fell down the stairs and she didn’t think to take her to hospital until 2 days later when they found out she had a broken arm, not once have I commented on the fact that her 1 year old daughter touched a burning grill and her hand blistered straight away and she didn’t take her to the doctors/hospital at all, not once have I ever told her what to do with her children even when I should have!! I have just supported them! Why, when I have my daughter do people feel that because I’m protective of her and I watch her every move that I’m the person that should be thinking about my parenting?? What has the world come to?? If your not a laid back parent then your not a good parent at all?? Or if your protective, then your also not a good parent??

My concern was, me and my sister In law have two very different types of parenting.. I have never pulled myself away from her because I didn’t like the way she parented, it’s her choice!! Yet, she pulled herself away from me because I am too protective of my daughter and wrap her in “cotton wool”

I will admit that I’m protective, however I let my daughter have lots of fun at the same time! I am the parent that will tell my daughter off for playing too rough with other kids, my sister in law is the parent that will say “kids will be kids” and never tel her children off for rough playing. I will tell my daughter to share, where as I my sister in law will just stay quiet and let the kids fight.

How on earth, am I the person that needs to question my parenting?

Again, I have no problem with peoples choice of parenting I’m just shocked that someone had a problem with mine?

Each to there own I guess, this is my first encounter of someone actually judging my parenting and I always thought I was doing the best job for my daughter!

Again, do you even like each other?

As for Christmas, that was just the icing on the cake for me.

She ruined what should have been a really nice day! She ruined it by constantly calling my 9 months old daughter “that kid” which I finally got fed up with. She ruined it by staring at me, and watching my every move with my daughter and pulling faces, she ruined it when my daughter was playing perfectly fine with her cousins on the floor and she said “she should be playing with her own toys” even when I had already tried and my daughter wasn’t interested. She wanted to play with her cousins and they were all playing nicely! I felt as though I was the one getting judged, and my every move was being watched. Her sister was at the house this Christmas aswell and when I left my mum overheard them talking about me saying that I think the sun shine out my daughters ass. Not being funny, but would you stand for that???

OP, you can't ask for people's opinions and then argue with them. Clearly you think you're in the right and she's in the wrong, so in the nicest way possible, just get on with it. If you only want advice from people who share your opinion, you should have stated that. For what it's worth, I don't think either of you are in the wrong, however I also don't think with the opinions you hold on each other that a friendship will work, so just go your separate ways and get over it, you have a lovely child to concentrate on.

I thought that your title meant that you are questioning your parenting. However, you seem to be saying that your parenting is correct while that of others is not. If your view is that inflexible then maybe stay away from your sister in law, aside from maintaining civil contact, and cultivate other friendships where you have similar parenting styles.

It might just be a personality clash with SIL. How do you get on with other friends with children? Any problems there?

A good test is how you would behave if you took your child to soft play. Would you be in the soft play structure and ball pit "helicoptering" to ensure no accidents and to protect your child from other rowdy children even though they are 3? Because although that might be acceptable for the tinies (under 18 months), if we all parented like that, all the children would have adults on top of them and no space to breathe or move around . Or would you be one of those parents who sits at a table with a coffee and pretends their children don't exist until home-time despite them walloping and pushing other kids (or being walloped and pushed)? Or would you (like most of us, I suspect) be somewhere in the middle - sitting at a table, keeping an eye on your child from a distance and checking any obvious misbehaviour on their part but not interfering for every push and shove.

Children need some space to develop without adults immediately intervening whenever there is a problem. And there is nothing more irritating than partisan parents who decide their child is a "victim" and needs protecting against other children, as opposed to all the children needing a little guidance (some more than others) on how to interact nicely.