Losing friends and questioning my parenting!

[Emily920]

When I fell pregnant, multiple people told me I would very quickly find out who my real friends were. Never did I believe them until today.

I noticed my sister in law/best friend of 10 years has been very distant with me since I give birth 3 years ago. I used to be heavily involved in her children’s life every day and when I give birth to my daughter, it wasn’t that easy. I found parenting really hard for the 1st 3-4 months, to the point I thought I was going to have a breakdown and not one person checked in on me or my daughter. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it and I just put it down to the fact everyone was as busy as I now was so I didn’t blame them. Today, I spoke to my sister in law/best friend for the 1st time in the last 12 months and we aired our differences. She admitted to me that she pulled herself away from me because my parenting grated on her. She said I am very over protective of my daughter and wrap her in cotton wool and no one can say anything to her or do anything because I’m protective and will say something. What she is actually referring to is when she used to call my daughter “that kid” all the time and there was one occasion on My daughters 1st Christmas when she told me to tell my 9 month old daughter to play with her own toys and not play with anyone else’s so I picked up my daughter and walked out of my family’s home on Christmas Day because she was just rude and not considerate at all. She continued to tell me that I’m a stuck up parent and I think the sun shines out of my daughters a**!

I am protective of my daughter!! She is the most precious thing in my life! My daughter suffers with asthma and has been hospitalised more times than I can remember! I have seen her being resuscitated because she couldn’t breathe so if I’m protective of her, I have every reason to be! I might wrap her up in cotton wool but that’s just because she is precious and I would never want any harm to come her way!

My sister in law/best friend is a very laid back parent, doesn’t really discipline her children and has on multiple occasions been so laid back that it’s brought harm to her children.

We are just two very different parents! However before I had my daughter, we were the best of friends!!

How does this happen? I feel very sad today and I hate the thought of people hating on my daughter!! Do I stay civil or do I cut complete ties?

Thank you 😊

We did like each other a lot, before I had my daughter. I used to have her children stay at my house most weekends, I would always make the time for her children. As soon as my daughter was born and I became busier than normal, I noticed she pulled herself away and never made the effort to see my daughter even though I still made the effort to see hers. The pandemic hasn’t helped, I had to shield my daughter because she was high risk, but my sister in law doesn’t believe covid is real so carried on her life as normal so for the last 12 months, we haven’t seen each other until the other day.

Op your SIL sounds jealous that her kids are no longer the centre of attention. The behaviour you have described (not taking her kids to hospital after clearly injuring themselves) is not 'different parenting styles' it's neglect. And I'm surprised social services haven't been involved if it's as you say.

People here will pick at you and accuse you of being precious but to me it sounds like your SIL is a selfish idiot and yes I would cut ties. No need for any big showdown or argument. Just stop contacting her and remain civil if you have to see her at family occasions.

It sounds like your SIl is jealous of you and your daughter, OP.

She doesn't like the fact that your attention is off of her and her own children because you now have a little one of your own, AND you're a better parent.

Leave her to it.

I get along well with other parents. My friends have commented that I am quite protective of my daughter, for example: it’s my daughters birthday today and I got a bouncy castle for the weekend, a friend of mine and her son come round yesterday to play on it and her son was jumping on my daughter and he was lay on top of her for ages, so I ran onto the bouncy castle and got my daughter out from beneath him whilst trying to tell him to calm down. His mum was just sat there and didn’t say a word. This is when I start to think, am I being over protective or are they being too laid back?? I don’t know!

I am definitely not a helicopter parent. I am if i can see danger happening but as long as it’s a safe environment I let her run free and just keep an eye on her.

My daughter is very confident and very secure. She is a very happy outgoing child and I definitely do not suffocate her. She lives a very fulfilling life but a safe one.

Maybe both things are true?
You are a tad precious and she is too lax? But these judgments are relative and subjective. If a child is in physical and emotional danger because of neglect- in your view lax parenting then that is a matter of safeguarding and a different game altogether. Do you think your sil children are suffering from neglect? If you do then you should report it. If you don’t think that is the case then I think you should just avoid her.

Sounds like when your daughter was born it held up a mirror to her parenting style. She sounds lazy at best and neglectful at worst! I think she's jealous of your daughter calling her 'that kid', not really the doting auntie is she?
For me the friendship would be over anyway due to the way she perceived my child. She doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be friends with, eye rolling and talking about you behind your back in your family home. Nope. See her at family functions and be civil and that's the height of it. Accept that your friendship is over and spend time with people who tend to have similar parenting styles to yourself.

You clearly don't like your SIL, and haven't for a very long time. Why on earth you are describing her as your best friend or worrying about "losing her" is beyond me. It would appear that you have been judging her, rightly or wrongly, for a long time and saving up "scores" to settle. I suspect that there is more to this than we have heard here, and that there is also truth on both sides. But your descriptions of her make it sound like you have "nicely" hated her for a long time - every time anyone even suggests that you may be over-reacting, you simply pile on a new set of grudges and reasons why you are right to dislike her.

I can't begin to imagine why you are even asking the question - you have happily had almost no contact with her for years, you don't like her one bit, so why would you want to be "best friends"?

You do sound too much, but that’s kind of irrelevant.

You don’t get on with your “best friend”. Storming out at Christmas is pretty damn extreme and means you don’t get along. And then you’re angry at her for pulling a way, when clearly the best way to protect a family relationship is to put distance as you DON’T GET ALONG. You can’t force someone to be your friend. She says you don’t really get along as parents, it seems that is very clealry true. Regardless of whose fault it is (and sorry I also think it’s yours) that means the right thing is to distance so you don’t end up in these big, family-tearing fights again.

You can’t force someone to be your friend

Exactly.
She seems to have decided that you and your daughter are too much like hard work, and possibly , as I did, is pulling away because she sees you as a negative influence on her own children.
My relationship with my over-protective and intense relative improved as her children got older and she stopped blaming everyone else for stuff from accidents to not making her child the centre of the universe.
It all worked out, but it took a few years.
What does your partner think?

It doesn’t sound like spending time with your sil is enjoyable for either of you any more, so she’s probably doing the right thing by stepping back. It doesn’t have to be a criticism, like you said, people parent differently and that’s ok, but it can sometimes make things awkward when all the children are there and they are treated differently. It is hard work and no fun being around very over protective parents who think everyone should revolve around their child.

You might have to consider the possibility that your dd’s cousins didn’t really want to be sharing their new toys with a baby, they were just too polite to say anything. This is quite a common thing, where the parents of the baby think everything is fine because the baby is happy, without giving any consideration to the older children.

Your SIL sounds awful actually @Emily920

Maybe you are protective,
Maybe not overly so, who knows

‘That kid’ isn’t a nice term to use, and you’re not stupid enough not to notice an atmosphere

Trust your instincts, be with people you enjoy and carry on. It gets easier

How rude of her to call your baby “that kid”. I’d be having as little contact with her as possible. Especially as she’s a Covid denier, I couldn’t be doing with that.

I got a bouncy castle for the weekend, a friend of mine and her son come round yesterday to play on it and her son was jumping on my daughter and he was lay on top of her for ages, so I ran onto the bouncy castle and got my daughter out from beneath him whilst trying to tell him to calm down. His mum was just sat there and didn’t say a word. This is when I start to think, am I being over protective or are they being too laid back?? I don’t know!

Difficult to know from this example. How old is your friend's son? Is he bigger or smaller than your DD? If my DC was jumping on top of another DC, that would be an absolute no from me as it's dangerous so I would be in there really quickly to calm things down. If my DC was lying on top of a much smaller child, again an absolute no. Children the same age and size and both enjoying themselves? I'd probably leave it unless one seemed obviously distressed.

It really started to sound like you want to paint her as bad person and you are the victim. We can't tell from this. I don't think your sil is jealous as other posters say, she just doesn't want to be friend with you, you two are too different. You clearly hate her too, so sounds good to be apart . Just accept it and move on.

It’s hard to tell a 9 month old to stop playing with one set of toys and to play with her own. I was stupid to think that she would understand that!

Not being funny, but it’s the easiest thing in the world to take something from a 9 month old and distract them with something else.

Hard to imagine your SIL constantly referring to your baby as ‘that kid’ and being rude on Christmas Day with your family and not one person saying or doing something to the point you up and leave

I think you have been holding on to the idea that she is your 'best friend' but it clearly isn't true. It's been three years since you've been close and it sounds like you haven't spoken in a year. That is not a 'best friend'.

Tbh you sound overprotective and your sil sounds very lackadaisical. No wonder you rub each other thr wrong way.

You think she is wrong and you are right. There is no hope of repairing the relationship in those circumstances.