Furious with DS - what would you do here

[Locumforlife]

DS 14. I had to work on Thursday, I was going to finish early to collect DD 5 from the childminders. DS said he would collect her (roughly half a mile away) and bring her home. Single parent family, DS and older DD always very helpful with the little one and fine to watch her for an hour or so.

DS has an electric scooter. We rent a house on a big farm with lots of land where he usually rides it. He absolutely knows that DD is not allowed on his scooter without me around.

Bumped into neighbour last night in the shop and he told me he saw DS and DD on the scooter riding through the village, along the road, DD had a helmet on, DS didn’t.

I asked DD and she told me DS collected her from the childminder on his scooter and gave her his helmet to wear home. She loves going on the scooter but that’s beside the point. I haven’t spoken to DS yet as he’s at his dads for the night.

I’m furious he’s completely ignored my rules and put DD in danger by riding her half a mile home on the road on his scooter (not to mention broken the law). We do have a local village copper who is quite lax with the village teens and electric scooters. As long as they aren’t being stupid she just gives them a flea in their ear and sends them home.

1. he didn’t need to pick her up, I was planning on doing it but he offered
2. he took her on a rural road half a mile
3. she said he didn’t go really really fast just a bit fast

What would you do?

Just talk to him. Be cross, explain why you are cross. He sounds like a good kid, no need for sanctions. Just remind him of the rules.

I would be angry. Those scooters are very dangerous on roads. If they were clipped by a car doing 60 mph they have no chance.

I would also say if he misused it again he would lose it

you must have known he would, if he took the scooter?
at least she wore the helmet.

I would have a serious chat with him. But he sounds like a good lad.

I wasn’t home so didn’t know he had taken the scooter. Yes he gave her his helmet which means he wasn’t wearing one but at least she was (although not much use it’s huge for a 5 year old)

What would I do? Thank him for picking her up, make it absolutely clear he is never ever to ride her home on public roads like that again, and get your daughter a helmet and knee/elbow protectors for when they’re having fun together at home.

And maybe if it won’t put her in too difficult a position, prime the CM not to release her to him if he’s on the scooter but to suggest she hangs into the scooter until you can pick it up later/following day.

I understand your fury; you get to see all the ways it could have gone wrong, whereas he’s probably thinking it was easier than walking, she enjoyed it, and nothing happened so what’s the fuss.

It sounds as though your kids have a really lovely relationship - not many 14 year old lads would volunteer to collect their 5 year old sibling. And you don’t want to come down too harshly and risk damaging that.

Maybe next time remind him in the morning no scooter, and text him when he will need to leave if walking/cycling, just to check he’s going?

I'm amazed a childminder lets a 14 year old collect a 5 year old. Our schools don't allow this and neither would the childminders I know.

He was silly although his intentions were good. At least he gave her the helmet to wear (even though it was too big).

I’d have a strong word with him, explain what could have happened. If he’s silly again then he loses the scooter.

We live in a small village and everyone knows everyone else. DS and older DD have collected small DD many times. Childminder is happy to release DD to them, it isn’t a problem.

I’ve asked her if he had his scooter but she said she didn’t see it, he has to walk up a path to her house so I’m guessing he left it at the bottom of her garden behind the hedge.

They do have a lovely relationship, thank you for calming me down, I will have strong words with him about the danger. I work in a hospital and we are seeing increasing amounts of people come in with head injuries, broken limbs etc from these scooters

He doesn't yet have the cognitive capacity to evaluate risks and consequences. Shouting/punishing him will achieve nothing except resentment for punishment after 'doing you a favour'

You need to gather together some info/YouTube vids on the dangers and then sit down with him and calmly discuss/explain why this is a non-negotiable rule and the risks to himself and his sister. Acknowledge that the risks are relatively small but the consequences are significant. Ask him to reflect how he might feel if a dangerous driver had hit them or if his sister had fallen (the helmet wouldn't protect her.)

A reasoned discussion about the risks will be much more effective than punishment at his age

Sweet kid. It sounds like they have a lovely relationship. One of those situations you’re glad you only heard about after the event 😬
Read him the riot act about not doing it again but also thank him for collecting her and try not to lose that perk. It must make life so much easier if he can collect her and you don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water!

Teenagers often find themselves in situations they realise during and afterwards are risky. They learn from that. Instead of assuming he did it deliberately to break rules and be dangerous, maybe just mention that x said she saw him on whatever day after he'd collected his sister. Let it sit there for a bit. See if he volunteers anything. If not ask him if he would do anything differently if he were to collect her again. Maybe suggest somewhere safe he can take her scootering this weekend as and ask him to take two helmets. Pick your battles carefully. He's obviously a good lad who's willing to help out and loves his sister.

He does sound lovely. My 14 year old is a great kid but she doesn't think about how she can make my life easier by being helpful. Teenagers are quite selfish. Not yours!

I'd just say 'you know you can't have your sister on the scooter, it's dangerous. Don't do it'.

I think it sounds like you’ve done a great job raising a boy that loves his five year old sister enough to volunteer to pick her up, and that respects his mum enough to want to do her favours too. It could even be something like he rode the scooter down for fun/to be quick and fully intended to carry it home because he knows 5yo isn’t allowed on it, then your DD got really excited and begged and he just wanted to make her happy. Or maybe she said she was tired and her legs hurt, like my DS4 is wont to do and he’s a bit of a soft touch for her. Or he just wanted to do something fun with her!

Don’t shout at him, say thank you for picking her up, I love what a good lad you are, but you have to understand that as your mum I worry. I’m not cross with you, but I do want to show you why - then a few videos/pictures/statistics. I bet he won’t do it again!

Unfortunately you’ve not left an adult in charge of a 5 year old, you can’t expect your teenager to behave like an adult and calculate risks for a 5 year old.

14 is waaaay too young for so much responsibility. Doesn’t matter whether you live in a small village or not tbh. That’s normally just a defence barrier people use as a screen to falsely normalise decisions that not many would.

I’d just remind him you don’t want her on it, he sounds sweet and did remember the helmet. He’s just a child at the end of the day.

I wouldn’t give him any hassle over it though as sounds like the older ones have a lot of responsibility for children themselves with the younger one.

I'd be angry at myself for thinking that a 14 year old boy is responsible enough to care for a 5 year old without an adult around. He sounds like a good kid but he can't determine risk in the same way an adult can. I'd reiterate that your daughter is not to go on his scooter and then leave it.

AprilFoolaround our school lets my 12 year old collect my 5 year old from after school club (thank heavens, else I would have to quit work as I can't be there at 4pm to pick him up!)

To posters saying 14 is way too young - that depends massively on the child. There’s no legal minimum age. Some 14 year olds are parents! Some 14 year olds can handle the responsibility and others wouldn’t be ready yet.

Highly doubt the op was planning to leave the lad in charge of his sister for a long weekend. But for an hour or so in the evening? I was collecting my siblings from school and sorting family meals at that time. Not every night. But when needed. Just depends on the children involved and the dynamics between them

Poor DS! No chance of any misbehaving when you live in a village surrounded by beady-eyed busybodies!

I'd just thank him for picking up DD and remind him that she is not allowed on the scooter. Unless she is, in which case doesn't she have her own helmet?

You’ve got a good boy on your hands. He made a bad decision. Clearly you have a good relationship with him and he respects you that he offered to pick her up and that’s a sign of your good parenting so I’m not going to give you advice on how to talk to him about it (plus, my kids aren’t that age so I’m not ‘qualified’ to advise) but maybe it’s good he is at his dad’s so you can breathe and calm down before talking to him x

She does have her own helmet, he didn’t take it so maybe wasn’t planning on letting her go on

To the posters saying 14 is too young to watch a 5 year old, I couldn’t disagree more. Suppose it depends on your own child but my teenagers have grown up in a house where everyone mucks in, cooks meals and helps out. They are ordinarily perfectly competent to watch their younger siblings and they are happy to do it. He could legally get married, join the army and have his own baby in two years, I wouldn’t do him the disservice of treating him like a little kid. He messed up this time, I’ve calmed down and as other posters have said will use it as learning opportunity.

She isn’t allowed on the scooter when I’m not around and then only around the farm. DS rides around the village but has been told and knows the risk of it being seized if he comes across any police who aren’t our local copper.

He has to walk 2 miles to his school bus stop and most of the teens ride their scooters to the stop and lock them up for the day and collect on the way home.

14 is plenty old enough. I was babysitting for multiple children at that age.

He sounds well intentioned but perhaps didn't think. Remind him of the rules and have a clear consequence if it happens again.