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Original poster

Furious with DS - what would you do here

37 replies

Locumforlife · 03/04/2021 08:40

DS 14. I had to work on Thursday, I was going to finish early to collect DD 5 from the childminders. DS said he would collect her (roughly half a mile away) and bring her home. Single parent family, DS and older DD always very helpful with the little one and fine to watch her for an hour or so.

DS has an electric scooter. We rent a house on a big farm with lots of land where he usually rides it. He absolutely knows that DD is not allowed on his scooter without me around.

Bumped into neighbour last night in the shop and he told me he saw DS and DD on the scooter riding through the village, along the road, DD had a helmet on, DS didn’t.

I asked DD and she told me DS collected her from the childminder on his scooter and gave her his helmet to wear home. She loves going on the scooter but that’s beside the point. I haven’t spoken to DS yet as he’s at his dads for the night.

I’m furious he’s completely ignored my rules and put DD in danger by riding her half a mile home on the road on his scooter (not to mention broken the law). We do have a local village copper who is quite lax with the village teens and electric scooters. As long as they aren’t being stupid she just gives them a flea in their ear and sends them home.

  1. he didn’t need to pick her up, I was planning on doing it but he offered
  2. he took her on a rural road half a mile
  3. she said he didn’t go really really fast just a bit fast

What would you do?

OP posts:
Woodlandbelle · 03/04/2021 10:22

He sounds adorable your son. But I totally would stress about the dangers too. I wouldn't be too hard on him. It was lucky your neighbour gave you the heads up and everything was OK and they got back safe.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 03/04/2021 10:28

@Locumforlife

She does have her own helmet, he didn’t take it so maybe wasn’t planning on letting her go on

To the posters saying 14 is too young to watch a 5 year old, I couldn’t disagree more. Suppose it depends on your own child but my teenagers have grown up in a house where everyone mucks in, cooks meals and helps out. They are ordinarily perfectly competent to watch their younger siblings and they are happy to do it. He could legally get married, join the army and have his own baby in two years, I wouldn’t do him the disservice of treating him like a little kid. He messed up this time, I’ve calmed down and as other posters have said will use it as learning opportunity.

That doesn't mean that at 14 he has the cognitive ability to evaluate risks or make decisions as an adult. Or indeed as a 16 year old. His brain is still developing.

It is a biological impossibility for him to have the cognitive abilities of a fully developed adult. You do him a disservice by pretending and acting otherwise.

campion · 03/04/2021 10:29

Electric scooters aren't legal on any public road unless part of a share scheme and riders are over 16. Maybe tell him that.

Otherwise,I'd tick him off but not get too heavy. Like many 14 year olds he won't have thought it mattered; she needed picking up,I picked her up! Make him understand that he never does it again. Or else.

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Original poster
Locumforlife · 03/04/2021 10:31

There is not a specific day when brains tick over from child to adult. Children learn to evaluate risk when they are given the opportunity to do so.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 03/04/2021 10:36

@AprilFoolaround

I'm amazed a childminder lets a 14 year old collect a 5 year old. Our schools don't allow this and neither would the childminders I know.
Schools don’t actually have the right to dictate who collects a child (or that a child can’t leave alone with parental permission). They can refer to SS if they think they’re being asked to do something dangerous, but an older sibling collecting a child wouldn’t touch SS’s radar.

They simply rely on parents not challenging their rules over pick ups.

VodkaSlimline · 03/04/2021 10:40

@Locumforlife

She does have her own helmet, he didn’t take it so maybe wasn’t planning on letting her go on

To the posters saying 14 is too young to watch a 5 year old, I couldn’t disagree more. Suppose it depends on your own child but my teenagers have grown up in a house where everyone mucks in, cooks meals and helps out. They are ordinarily perfectly competent to watch their younger siblings and they are happy to do it. He could legally get married, join the army and have his own baby in two years, I wouldn’t do him the disservice of treating him like a little kid. He messed up this time, I’ve calmed down and as other posters have said will use it as learning opportunity.

I bet he wasn't planning to let her ride the scooter (or as you say he would have had her helmet with him) and she begged and wheedled him into it! Have you reminded her that she is not allowed to go on it when you are not there? It's DS' responsibility and he should have said no, but 5 is old enough to remember a rule and not pester for it to be broken...
Isadora2007 · 03/04/2021 10:40

Just speak to him and help him think of the issues that could have happened- that were out of his control. And let it sink in how he’d feel if those things had happened to his sister. He sounds lovely and they sound close so I think that’s probably punishment enough for him. I’m assuming it’s a stand on scooter thing...sounds fun! 😂

Fieldsofstars · 03/04/2021 10:41

You’ve given him opportunity for that and look where that’s got you?

He put your 5 year old at risk of serious harm, your priorities are all wrong.

Fieldsofstars · 03/04/2021 10:45

Let him become an adult at his own risk, not with a 5 year old by his side.
He is not a child but he is also not an adult, stop giving him the responsibility of an adult and expecting that to help him in a positive way. A lot of us have become well assessed adults without our parents lumping us with the with the responsibility of our younger siblings regardless of whether that’s what your son wanted or not.

Can you imagine the affect on your son if your 5 year old fell off and was seriously injured?

Your 5 year olds safety should come way above your 14 year old being treated as an adult.

Newnameforthisquestion · 03/04/2021 10:51

At 14 children's brains don't think about risk and consequences in the same way that we do. Be more explicit next time. Can you pick up DD5 and walk her home.
Personally I find it sad that children had to look after children and then get berated for their children's brain based choices.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 10:59

@HelloDulling

Just talk to him. Be cross, explain why you are cross. He sounds like a good kid, no need for sanctions. Just remind him of the rules.
That.

His was an error of judgement, he won't do it again.

Giggorata · 03/04/2021 11:14

When the DC were young they had one of those tiny motorbikes. The deal was that they pushed the bike across the road and 50 yards along the wide verge to the track. And wear helmets.
Occasionally, we would catch them riding on the grass verge, or without helmets. When that happened, and tiring of explaining why this wasn't on, we would confiscate the keys for a bit.

I can't remember if they learnt to hot wire it. Probably.

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