Is my approach to conflict resolution wrong?

[ClearMountain]

DH said something in a message that his friends didn’t agree with, and some of them were quite rude and mean. I said just stop being friends with them then 🤷‍♀️

Anyway he ignored their behaviour and it blew over and was forgotten, and they’re still friends. But it made me think: I would have responded by cutting them off and we wouldn’t be friends any more. So it’s made me question my approach to conflict resolution, because I’ve realised this is my normal approach.

As a teen I spent years alone in my bedroom, because some of the other teens who lived nearby were horrible to me, and I said “I don’t have time for this shit, bye”. So then we never spoke again and I had nobody to hang out with and was sad and lonely. When my relationships didn’t go the way I wanted I was very quick to say “This isn’t working for me, bye” and just cut contact. I did the same after only six weeks in a job that didn’t suit me. And I did the same as an adult when people at a hobby group were mean and bullying - I said “Your behaviour is atrocious and I have more important concerns, I’m not giving this any more head room”. And I quit my hobby and never saw them again because I just couldn’t be bothered with the stress of arguing.

Is this normal behaviour? Is there something wrong with me when I just keep walking away from things and people? For example I keep thinking I could have resolved the conflict and still had my hobby. It makes me sad that they were mean to me but yet they all still have their hobby and I’m excluded.

This is a tough one to call. I think it’s a question of balance. No one should put up with bullying or being treated badly, but there are assertive ways to raise it while attempting to preserve the relationship.
I struggle with this sort of thing myself, usually I put up with less than ideal behaviour but then they ‘cross the line’ in some way and I find i just cannot be friends with them anymore as that trust has been broken. I know I need to speak up at an earlier stage rather than just let people think any behaviour is ok and then suddenly put in a boundary. It’s a skill I am working on.

Sounds like you find it simpler to walk away than try and either rectify the situation or examine your own behaviour.

Difficult.
Like you I'll just walk away given the option, but I know at times where I haven't had the option to do that I have had to move past it.
Trouble is, I don't forget, and where I can continue superficial friendliness, its never the same again.

I think when you a relationship has a good foundation behind it it's much easier to take a bit of bad behave and put in some effort to try and resolve it or let it go and get past it. When you don't have this foundation I think the effort to resolve conflict may well not be worth it.

Also some people need company less than others, some might see less than ideal company as better than no company and others prefer no company to bad company. I don't think either is wrong just different personality types.

I don't think it's wrong exactly but it's clear that by walking away, you're not trying to resolve anything.

People say stupid stuff and have arguments but that doesn't mean that the friendship/relationship has to end. Sometimes you can and should try to resolve things and if you don't, you're missing out potentially.

Me and a mate have had a couple of awful clashes and didn't speak for a while. We talked it through and both apologised.
Our friendship isn't exactly the same as it was but we're in a group and it was better all round to make up and move on.

If I was being bullied or I had a work issue I would try to challenge/resolve it before I walked away.
That said, it's good that you are able to say that this friendship/relationship/job or whatever isn't working and I'm done. Maybe you just do it a bit too readily.

My autocorrect hates me

I think in general I would try to resolve a conflict before cutting off contact, but it would depend on the conflict, and how much I would lose. Threats of, or actual, physical violence, I would walk away from the person, and group of friends if they weren't supportive.

A one-off comment that I thought was a bit mean or unnecessary, I'd probably just ignore. Everybody speaks first without thinking about it occasionally, and I'm quite happy to think that someone is having a bad day without taking it personally. So in your husbands shoes, I'd have done the same as him.

With your hobby, it would depend. You describe it as bullying, but that can cover a wide range of behaviour. Sometimes we don't get along with everybody in a group. Personalities clash, some people have a brusque manner that can be taken the wrong way. Other folk can be very placid and take on extra responsibilities by not being able to say no, until they snap. It would have to be a very small group with no one that I got along with before I'd give up my hobby.

But I only realised something about myself recently when a friend pointed it out. I like myself as a person, I'm not perfect, I can be lazy and often don't think before I speak, but I'm never intentionally mean to anyone and always see the best in other people. If people are mean to me, I don't take it to heart. I'm much more likely to see it as them having an off day, or that I've misunderstood the context than they are out to make me miserable. There are v few people in life who are just mean, and I do wonder how you've managed to find do many of them

Your approach to conflict resolution is to completely walk away from every conflict. That does not resolve the conflict at all?! That is not conflict resolution it is conflict avoidance: I mean it is your choice but I would find that spectacularly frustrating. That is a really black and white binary way of thinking too. I think it is quite unusual actually.

I've been similar to you, OP, in the past.

I've been reading a bit of stuff recently though which advises adopting an approach along the lines of 'here's my issue with that' as opposed to 'you've hurt me deeply'. It means you objectify what has been done rather than see the person doing it to you.

Not easy though. I'm in two minds. I can see how the recommended approach allows a viewing of people as fallible and there are possibilities to resolve. A niggling bit of me says people need to acknowledge agency of the hurtful words and not to let them off the hook.

I think it's good to be assertive and know when to cut your losses and leave a job or relationship.

However it would take a pattern of poor behaviour or one extremely bad incident for me to cut off a friend or leave a job.

If your husband and you had one disagreement and he was rude to you, would you end your marriage right there? It would have to be something extremely terrible for me to consider doing so.

It is normal human behaviour to make mistakes, to sometimes have off days, to misjudge your jokes and be cruel unintentionally. Forgiving these things in other people is a sign of maturity and personal growth.

However recognising genuinely terrible behaviour and removing yourself from it is also a mature reaction and can benefit your mental health and overall wellbeing.

So it really depends on how bad these comments and incidents were.

May I ask did you have siblings growing up? Surely you must have had some awful fights with them and made up - most siblings do.

You don't have an approach to conflict resolution, you don't try to resolve. It's one thing to walk away from bullies but falling out with friends is almost always worth a conversation to try and work out what went wrong and see if amends can be made. What happens when you & DH argue?

It would have to be a very small group with no one that I got along with before I'd give up my hobby
There were a number of nice people in the group who I liked, but several people had been so mean that I didn’t feel I could sit in the room and pretend to be friendly with them any more.

May I ask did you have siblings growing up?
No. I have a much younger brother from my Dad’s second marriage but there’s 20 years between us, I hardly ever see him.

What happens when you & DH argue?
I walk away and ignore him. If it’s in the evening I go to bed in the spare room. After a bit of time has passed and I’m less annoyed I just carry on as normal and pretend the argument never happened.

Actually wondering if this has come from being bullied at school. It went on for years and I quickly learned that I couldn’t fight back because that made it worse, I just had to disengage.

I pretended I didn’t hear the nasty comments and laughter. I stayed silent and tried to be invisible. If I was directly confronted I’d just blank them and walk away. As I walked away someone hit me with a stick hard enough to split the skin and I didn’t react, I just kept walking with blood running down my leg. Or they would push me over and I’d just get up emotionlessly and walk away. One time someone smacked a piece of cake into the side of my face and I just kept walking, I didn’t even wipe it off until I was out of sight. I never cried unless I was at home. Because any sort of reaction only gratified them.

It was 25 years ago and thinking about it still makes me cry. So maybe that’s a pattern I’ve carried on - There’s no point arguing, the only solution is to disengage. Food for thought anyway.

I was bullied too and yes it does often mean you have to really change how you interact with people. It sounds like you get "danger signals" in these situations and then act to protect yourself.

I think perhaps the key is in your words 'I was very quick to say'. Did you try to resolve any of these situations? Tell them what wasn't OK then give them another couple of chances? (Read up about effective ways of challenging behaviour, eg always using 'I' to talk about the impact on you and laying out your needs rather than accusing with 'you' sentences')

I think the skill is in:
a) seeing if the situation/character is such that this will never work for you and cutting your losses quickly if so
B) but also seeing when you basically like someone/something but people are sometimes a bit crap and nothing/no-one is perfect.

C) and also being brave enough to challenge things that are a problem for you. People can change behaviours, sometimes. You may as well try: it might make the difference between (a) and (b). Just don't keep giving them chance after chance forever.

You do need a bit of 'change the things you can and accept the things you can't'. But also once you've changed everything you can (challenged behaviour constructively and given a certain number of chances), if things still aren't OK then that's when you should walk.

Easy to say, but hard to do. I do think that everyone finds this balancing act tricky.

Sorry to hear your were bullied at school

Sounds like walking away is your default response to conflict and you've either not tried or had the opportunity to try other ways of settling differences.

I walk away and ignore him. If it’s in the evening I go to bed in the spare room. After a bit of time has passed and I’m less annoyed I just carry on as normal and pretend the argument never happened.

Trouble is nothing gets resolved. Yes you aren't arguing but presumably the issue you were arguing about is still there and needs to be discussed when you are both calmer.

I think it’s cutting off your nose to spite your face, everyone argues, has disagreements and children can be mean. By walking away, you’ve been the one to suffer, with loneliness etc. Should you put up with bad behaviour? Absolutely not! Surely there needs to be some attempt to talk through conflict, even if you ultimately decide the friendship is over. The majority of us say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment.

I’m sorry you were bullied when you were growing up, I agree with you that it’s impacted your reaction to disagreements as an adult.

@CrazyNeighbour

I walk away and ignore him. If it’s in the evening I go to bed in the spare room. After a bit of time has passed and I’m less annoyed I just carry on as normal and pretend the argument never happened.

Can I just ask if you are aware how dysfunctional this is? The sulking/refusal to engage combo is horrible to be in the receiving end of.

Yeah, I hate this. I won't put up with it and actually that would make me end a relationship.

Depends on the specific situation, not everything is a deal breaker. However, I am similar to you, in that, I don’t feel like I need to put up with bullying, bad behaviour etc. and would rather just not engage with those people anymore. I don’t need that shit in my life! I understand not everyone has this view and may find it difficult to do this.

I think your last post shows good insight. This is your protective mechanism to keep yourself safe from bullying. The problem is you may be overreacting at times. Your DHs friends, it sounds like it's not worth falling out with long term friends over. I wonder if objectively some of your examples might not have been that bad, and it might be worth talking through future situations with someone. I also think disagreements with your DH would be a good place to start practising healthy conflict as equals, as I can see your approach might frustrate him at times.

I get really panicky when someone is confrontational or unpleasant. My heart starts racing. I feel attacked and vulnerable, like I can’t win so there’s no point arguing, and if I argue or even respond assertively I feel like I could be physically attacked at any moment. So my immediate instinct is to escape. I guess other people don’t have that instinct.

It sounds like you have a good insight in to why this is happening. I wonder if a potential starting point would be some sort of marriage or relationship counselling to help you work out ways to resolve conflict with your OH as I'm guessing you must feel safe with him at least some of the time. Then maybe you could use the strategies from there and see how they apply to other situations.

As iron sharpens iron the wits of one person sharpen the wits of another.

We all rub along and occasionally rub others the wrong way. We're supposed to learn from it, every time it happens examine your behaviour, their behaviour etc. Is there anything you can learn? Sometimes when you confront someone one on one and say it didn't like what you did/said there'. Let them know your point of view, let them respond. It's an opportunity for growth for both parties. I had a run in with a guy at work, he was saying things in front of colleagues which highlighted my lack of knowledge. I would walk away seething. I pulled him aside one day and said what's your problem with me, explained the incidents, he thought he just being funny (ha ha). Anyhow we grew a strong bond after that, like we both respected each other, we had each other's backs after that.

I think you should try a different approach.