Is my approach to conflict resolution wrong?

[ClearMountain]

DH said something in a message that his friends didn’t agree with, and some of them were quite rude and mean. I said just stop being friends with them then 🤷‍♀️

Anyway he ignored their behaviour and it blew over and was forgotten, and they’re still friends. But it made me think: I would have responded by cutting them off and we wouldn’t be friends any more. So it’s made me question my approach to conflict resolution, because I’ve realised this is my normal approach.

As a teen I spent years alone in my bedroom, because some of the other teens who lived nearby were horrible to me, and I said “I don’t have time for this shit, bye”. So then we never spoke again and I had nobody to hang out with and was sad and lonely. When my relationships didn’t go the way I wanted I was very quick to say “This isn’t working for me, bye” and just cut contact. I did the same after only six weeks in a job that didn’t suit me. And I did the same as an adult when people at a hobby group were mean and bullying - I said “Your behaviour is atrocious and I have more important concerns, I’m not giving this any more head room”. And I quit my hobby and never saw them again because I just couldn’t be bothered with the stress of arguing.

Is this normal behaviour? Is there something wrong with me when I just keep walking away from things and people? For example I keep thinking I could have resolved the conflict and still had my hobby. It makes me sad that they were mean to me but yet they all still have their hobby and I’m excluded.

No this doesn't sound healthy. Imo you're all flight and no fight and there needs to be more balance in your reactions to conflict.

I think many people wot benefit from walking away as you do. I walk away more than most people. People talk about resolving conflict but that only works when both parties want to. In reality what usually happens is one part just let's the grievance go unchallenged and it 'blows over'. But nothing has changed has it? Someone or several people have been a dock to you and now you have to pretend to be okay with that. Fuck that. I don't walk away if I believe the other people are willing and able to actually resolve the issue. So actually hear how and why it hurt me, feel safe to tell me if I also played a role in the situation and genuinely find a way through together. That's rare. My husband, some family members and best friend are the people who make that list. Walking away is often the right choice but people are afraid to make it.

Agree with others, ignoring your spouse is often called out in here as abuse.
You say you're worried about being physically attacked, tell him this.
You don't need to shout in an argument and in normal relationships they shouldn't get violent.
You do need to find a way to resolve things though.

Do you have children? They argue with other children all the time and usually just brush it off , although I understand your bullying experiences must have been horrible for you.
Have you thought about counselling?

It sounds like you are doing it from a fear response and not from a strong clear boundaries position. In that case it is probably not serving you well. Perhaps therapy would help.

I have always done this and I do see it as a problem. Not so much personal relationships, I don't feel the need for much company and I have no qualms at all about walking away from friendships without a backward glance: I don't gain enough from friendships to put in work if anything goes wrong. But for work/education/kids stuff (anything where there is a reason), I have actively taught myself to not just walk.

I do have various trust, attachment and social problems and I am well aware of them though and that they influence my conflict behaviour. I just can't be arsed to change something that doesn't cause me any upset - I am often alone, but it's incredibly rare that I am lonely.

I have to say too, that if I were your DH, your manner of conflict resolution would make me leave. Maybe work on a better nethod with him if nothing else, because silent sulking is qute cruel.

I was bullied at school and was scared to speak up, but then I was bullied at work and had a brilliant ballsy female union rep who I had to spend a lot of time with (was suspended unfairly and while we were building my case we met most days until I was reinstated). She helped me to learn constructive assertion and try to resolve the problem and nip it in the bud the moment it starts to become uncomfortable.

Moved into a different job, which I loved, then we had a new boss who was a micro managing arse. I took him to one side to speak about how he was making me feel and came out of the meeting feeling worse - for reasons I won't go into I ended up off sick for 6 months and he got sacked.
Couple of years later moved into the civil service and became a union rep myself and the rest is history - I was described as "fearless" yesterday because I won't tolerate any crap but i call people out without damaging relationships. If they only knew I am still really shy and scared inside!

I guess other people don’t have that instinct.

I do, even now. I hate conflict and my heart races and I desperately want to flee but I've learnt over time to stand my ground if safe to do so. People can't see my feelings, so I put on a face that says I mean business and deal with the situation.