Coping with trauma therapy - how?

[traumaticconversations]

I had to speak to therapist (NHS) about ptsd this afternoon . I don’t want to detail the thing that happened on here .

She was exceptionally kind, and understanding, dealt with it very gently but I’m struggling to cope with the conversation .

I didn’t want to remember the thing that what we were talking about and I spent much of the call with my eyes screwed shut and perhaps stupidly, because I was on my own bed, holding onto my teddy . My overriding thought throughout the whole call was, ‘I don’t want to remember this’ . She asked something, to describe my experience, and I kept saying in my mind, no no I don’t want to be seeing this anymore .

When I was describing it it was as if I was back in that experience . For a moment I thought I was and it was a weird jolt when I realised I wasn’t . I don’t understand what that feeling was . It’s happened once more since . If I think about it it gets too vivid .

It was a very intimate discussion and things I wouldn’t normally talk about with anyone . I ended up shaking .

I’m thirty years old ffs - how stupid that I was sitting balled up in duvet and holding onto a teddy whilst on the phone .

She was lovely but call obviously ended and I’m now sitting wide awake, and not knowing what to do . Sitting on same bed and can’t get memories out of my mind .

I’m trying grounding techniques, I’ve made myself a drink and something to eat and tried to watch Netflix and I’ve texted a friend but it being 4am I’m feeling a bit alone and upset . In pain too which I think is probably psychosomatic . Feeling like I’m going to go into panic attacks . All I want to do is get into the shower and scrub but I’m not sure that will help at all .

She’s not going to be phoning for a fortnight so I need to block this all out so I can get on with things ... how do I do that? It doesn’t seem possible tonight .

@traumaticconversations
I can't come up with any words to help much, but please know that I am in a place far-away and thinking of you right now.
I don't think it is at all silly of you to be balled up in your duvet and hugging a teddy...you found a way to comfort yourself. Nothing wrong with that!
When I start thinking of past traumas and negative thoughts,, I have found that singing songs in my head helps to distract me from those thoughts...I was a teen in the 70's so I have a lot of old favourites stuck in my mind...I used to listen to Carole King for hours and hours with the stereo blasting...so she's my go to singer for comfort....do you have some songs from a happier time in your life that you can sing to yourself right now? I find that it usually relaxes me and in no time at all I'm falling asleep because if Im thinking of Carole Kings words I can't be thinking of the negative thoughts.
Take Care

I don't know the answer but Jordan Peterson speaks of trauma. He says revisiting the experience is important. Maybe look him up for more helpful information? I hope that today is easier for you.

Hi OP. I've been through years of trauma therapy. (It sounds like you won't be needing that, so don't worry!).

It's completely normal that you feel how you do.

I have done different things to get through the tough times. Sometimes I'd write down how I'm feeling (in a kind of journal - nothing interesting to read, it was more like a place to get as much of the emotions out as possible).

Also definitely tell the therapist how you felt during the last session and afterwards at your next one (are they all by phone?). It can be helpful (for me) to write it down as sometimes once I'm in the session I forget how I felt even a week ago! Just bullets to remind yourself.

Being in bed and holding a teddy is also normal! But I'd suggest having a think about where you are when you have the call (if you have the choice). It sounds like you felt quite safe in your bedroom. If so, it might be nice to keep it that way. If you do too much trauma work in that place, it may alter and not be the safe place you can retreat to, because it is where you're working on trauma. One good thing about face to face is that you physically leave that place afterwards and don't go back to it until the next time (although bedroom is definitely more comfortable!). If you have no alternative space, then it might be an idea to make a place - even sitting on the floor in a corner - where you have the session, so your bed remains a retreat.

Anything you can do to get your heart rate rising will help you change the body chemistry and feel different, usually better. The stress hormones related to recalling traumatic events are very powerful. They often make a person still. That makes it even harder to move, but it's worth the investment. Even if viceroys movement isn't possible, going outside for a 30 minute walk can be enough to shift the worst of it. The goal is not fitness here, it's changing biochemistry. Playing loud music with a strong beat while doing this can help too (but nothing sad, contemplative etc, needs to be music you'd play at a celebration/birthday party).

To sleep, if my mind is doing things I'd rather it didn't, playing podcasts or audiobooks is helpful. I put them on to turn off after an hour so the don't wake me later! If I wake up later, I just put them back on.

Some books that might be helpful are Polyvagal Theory by Deb Dana and Waking the Tiger by Perter Levine. Deb Dana is a therapist and describes really well how polyvagal theory works (it's not complicated although some other authors seem to want to make it that way). She's used to explaining it to people and working with it. She has books on audible too.

There's also The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It's good and talks about how trauma impacts the body, how trauma is understood in the mental health sectors (plural) and lots of different ways of dealing with it. For more immediate impact dealing with how you're actually feeling though I'd look into polyvagal theory!

I'm glad you've got a therapist now. It won't be easy, but therapy can definitely work. The reduction in how bad you feel between sessions is something for the therapist to be dealing with, but the reality is that she's not there all the time.

Thank you so, so much

I didn’t nod off until 5am in the end ... been extra gentle with myself today and focused on self care where I can . Lovely hot bath and then a short brisk walk . Thinking I’m going to do an exercise video on YouTube too .

The therapist was so lovely when I spoke to her, I will explain next time how I reacted and how much that shocked me .

She’s sending me a worksheet to complete for next week . It’s all being done over the phone yes, no face to face appointments unfortunately . Haven’t seen anyone fave to face for healthcare for a year now . She works for my GP surgery though so I’ve a good idea of who she is .

Hi I like the idea of leaving my bed a safe place, could sit on the floor instead- or I have a study that’s going unused right now so could use that room . Anywhere that’s not my bed - that’s my tranquil place and I don’t want to start associating it with flashbacks .

I have journaled before, never thought of that . I don’t need to show anyone I suppose . Would be a way of getting these horrible feelings out on paper .

I talked to my mum today too, I’m worried what I told her might have upset her but she listened and believed me so that’s good . That’s positive .

I do enjoy sticking on eg walking workouts on YouTube and loud 80s music, cheesy party stuff and walking really fast so that might be an idea ...

Yes that’s the difficult thing that she’s not always there . Have found myself all day wishing she’d ring me again today (transference?) . I keep going over what she said yesterday . She said at the end of the call I am holding a core belief about myself that isn’t true, and it’s come from my experiences but can be changed . I so, so hope that’s true .

Hey OP I was thinking about you so came on to see how you've been doing. Well done for speaking to your mum. I'm glad she believed you. I think with my own kids there are some things they could tell me that would definitely upset me to hear, but I'd be gutted if they didn't tell me or felt like they couldn't.

Maybe also helpful to think that outside of natural disasters or traffic accidents, house fires etc, trauma almost always comes something someone did (or didn't do) to us. Whatever the horrible event(s), we didn't do the horrible thing. So if we tell someone and they're upset, we haven't upset them: whoever did the horrible thing(s) holds that responsibility.

I’m not clear headed enough to advise on coping mechanisms but please please don’t call yourself stupid for getting through that call how you needed to :( there is absolutely nothing wrong with hugging a teddy. How ever you need to look after yourself, do it. You aren’t just looking after now you, but past you too.

I find good therapy starts with helping you cope with therapy. Be open about how difficult it was when you next speak to her - if you need to take things out of the box slower that’s ok. You shouldn’t be made to talk about more than you can cope with.

I find zoom therapy so bloody hard and phone would be the same in that I’m at home not in the safe space of my lovely therapist’s office. I feel more “held” by her there, and that I can leave what we talk about there (even though I do journal about it as well, but pre covid I would go and sit in a quiet pub to do that before heading home). And at home I’m straight back to mum mode without time to recover.

Much love - post as much as you need to, we are here 💐

@SingToTheSky

I’m not clear headed enough to advise on coping mechanisms but please please don’t call yourself stupid for getting through that call how you needed to :( there is absolutely nothing wrong with hugging a teddy. How ever you need to look after yourself, do it. You aren’t just looking after now you, but past you too.

I find good therapy starts with helping you cope with therapy. Be open about how difficult it was when you next speak to her - if you need to take things out of the box slower that’s ok. You shouldn’t be made to talk about more than you can cope with.

I find zoom therapy so bloody hard and phone would be the same in that I’m at home not in the safe space of my lovely therapist’s office. I feel more “held” by her there, and that I can leave what we talk about there (even though I do journal about it as well, but pre covid I would go and sit in a quiet pub to do that before heading home). And at home I’m straight back to mum mode without time to recover.

Much love - post as much as you need to, we are here 💐

That makes a lot of sense yes - that sense of actually being with someone physically and then leaving . I am finding thats a difficulty being at home . Initially I was quite scared to talk too as I live with my mum . The hardest thing yesterday was trying to say to myself, OK that’s over for two weeks, now back to normal and back to housework and stuff . I feel if I’d been there with her physically she’d have seen how I was reacting and that might have helped .

Will tell her next time we talk how I felt; I have her email address for cancelling appointments etc but I don’t feel totally confident telling her on email and don’t think it’s appropriate . I am finding I’m panicking though as we’ve had I think 6 or 7 sessions now and I think they limit it to a specific number . I don’t want to find that like in a month she’s going to say, right that’s it up - if I’m still feeling the same way . I don’t know how to approach asking that though .

@daretodenim thank you . I was scared as my mum was raped a long time ago (I haven’t been raped as such but something along that lines) and I didn’t want to bring up bad memories for her . But she was able to empathise which has helped . I think she was glad I talked to her .

I like the thought of looking after the old me . We were talking about things that happened when I was just a teenager so it sort of helps to visualise myself in that way .

When I’m saying that I don’t think it’s appropriate that’s more me trying to convince myself NOT to email in advance of next appointment !

Pleased to say listening to music is helping tonight - still not sleeping but definitely more relaxed than before !

Definitely tell your therapist what happened. She should be ensuring you are sort of back on earth and safe before ending a session - the bad memory bets shouldn't go right up to the end of your hour, there's usually 10+ minutes of calming and grounding time.

It's absolutely normal to react like you have, it really churns things up. I'm not surprised you grabbed your teddy, I think I tend to grab my cat, who is less accommodating though.

With good therapy—are you doing EMDR?—the aftershocks should lessen with time, unless new traumas are brought up. If it's EMDR then the treatment continues beyond the sessions, because the dreams and memories are your brain continuing to process, so it can be helpful to think of it as a positive sign.

I find it helpful, with intrusive memories and thoughts about myself, to visualise them sort of floating across my gaze/brain. So I acknowledge them but don't dig into them. If you actively try to avoid thinking about them, then actually that can make things worse because by thinking that strongly you're kind of reinforcing to your brain that they're important, so the brain builds more memory connections around that memory - the opposite of what you want to happen.

Try to get some post-session 'landing time' before returning to normal life. It's easier if you're at a real life session because the journey helps. Even then my DH would usually keep the DC away from me for a few hours. I think after a virtual session that space would be even more important.

I recently underwent counselling to deal with traumatic grief / loss.

After my sessions I would feel very raw, sometimes it wasn’t immediate and sometimes it was. There were some weeks that I felt ok leaving the session but I’d have very sad periods in the following days.

For me it was a very good experience and helped me unravel some very persistent thoughts and beliefs I had. I knew they were unreasonable deep down but I couldn’t shake them. My counsellor helped me to see that I was basically making them up and that I was persisting in re writing history.

When you say that you’ve formed beliefs and thoughts about yourself based from an experience but they are not true - this is SO important.
Understanding that what happens / happened to you is just that - something which happened TO you and is NOT WHO YOU ARE has been so important for me.

For me, revisiting the trauma wasn’t helpful or important. Seeing myself as I am and separate to the trauma was more important.

Who are you without your story? That is what I focused on. Without the experience skewing my view of myself, who am I? Once I was able to separate myself from that experience and see that I am not the things which happen to me, I am not my experience, my whole life changed.

Good luck with your journey

Honestly I think the NHS idea of trauma therapy is woefully inadequate. It took me the best part of a year of weekly sessions with my therapist before I was able to talk about my experience. Once a fortnight and no contact between is just nowhere near enough support when they're expecting you to talk about something like that.

When I eventually opened up, I wasn't triggered, I felt safe, my distress was manageable and he made sure to use the last 10 minutes to talk about lighter topics and make sure I was calm and stable enough before we hung up. He also told me I could call any time. I didn't need to but the offer was there.

This just sounds like you were retraumatised and left to deal with it.

It would be good to speak to your therapist about how necessary it actually is to talk about it all, especially specific details.

I was working on trauma issues much more at the start of my therapy but I remember her telling me that it’s now more commonly thought that talking through specific memories isn’t necessarily the right approach (unless you find it helpful obviously). It can be traumatising with no actual benefit, because sadly, it’s not like it makes it go away :(. It’s more about learning to sit with flashbacks and memories that come up, and as Ohpull says, learning to separate yourself from the beliefs it has left you with. Understanding how it has affected you and moving through that. It’s less traumatising and more positive as it helps you go forward 💐

(EMDR works differently though)

Hi OP, just w atedto say that I have successfully changed my core belief after many years,so it is possible.

There has been some excellent advice upthread, I hope your therapy is successful.

Thank you

My GP is phoning me next week; which will be another wobbly conversation as whilst she knows I have an issue she doesn’t know the exact details (as has never seemed to understand before) but this has thrown me hugely and I need her advice on managing medications as they were planning on reducing one, and I think that would not be wise . Surgery have said to ring 111 meantime too for more immediate support .

Therapist is lovely and probably didn’t expect what I said as we were supposed to be talking about anxiety, something triggered off a bit of a cataclysm of memories and I told counsellor I thought maybe that played a part in why I’m so anxious .

Which makes sense .

I’m glad that I spoke to her as it’s been bubbling away below the surface for years . Just feel oddly horrendously vulnerable and scared . The thing that reminded me made me remember things I had forgotten and then when I was telling her what I remembered I remembered more . And more keeps coming back since .

I think if I write it down that could help . Sometimes I think if I write a letter to myself . It wasn’t my fault but for some reason I always think it was and go through every action I did and think did I do something to make that happen.

And it validated something in me when she said, this was abuse . And I thought, oh my god, it was and I wasn’t overreacting . Suddenly feel so sad and angry and embarrassed that I could have let that happen .

I did sleep better last night at least .

It isn’t EMDR no, just chatting . I thought at one stage she referred to acceptance and commitment therapy (I think I’ve a book on it somewhere) but I’m not sure it is that .

Oh lovely I’m sorry. You shouldn’t feel like you let this abuse happen. But I get it - I really do. We grow up placing all this blame on ourselves.

Acceptance commitment therapy is actually the main approach my therapist takes. I highly recommend it. A lot of people are put off by this - she told me a lot of people don’t like the fact that you aren’t aiming to get rid of symptoms. But it’s really revolutionised how I deal with my MH.

I’ve had some really triggering experiences lately due to something that happened to my eldest - but it’s made so much difference to just let myself be triggered. It sounds insane not to fight it. But I’ve found compassion for both myself as her mum and as my young self. My therapist has taught me so well in this that I didn’t actually need her input for this - by the time I had my session I could just tell her about it pretty calmly, and how I’d just let the trigger feelings sit there alongside trying to help my DD1. It really made me realise how far I’ve come.

I’d felt guilt at first for my selfishness - how dare I feel any sadness or fear myself, when my daughter was going through this? But then my ACT knowledge kicked in, and I could recognise that 1. It was ok to feel whatever feelings came up and not push them away, and 2. The reason I felt so guilty was precisely because of what had happened to me in the first place - the way it was dealt with at the time (which for me has always been a bigger issue than the actual abuse) caused me to feel like a burden, an attention seeker etc - so it was natural for me to pile this guilt on top of everything else.

Sorry that was waffly and I don’t mean it to take over your thread. But I’m saying it partly as an example of how ACT works in practice and partly because it shows how important it is to learn about how the trauma shapes our feelings about ourselves 💐

That’s not to say you shouldn’t talk about the specific memories etc if you want or need to of course. Sometimes it’s helpful and necessary to say it out loud 💐

Another one that's been through trauma therapy. It's awful but it needs to happen in order for the memory to be processed properly and faded. It will get easier I promise.

Has your therapist explained how these memories work, how the brain is supposed to process them and how your brain has stored these particular ones. I found the understanding of this very useful.

Thank you I’m so sorry you’ve all had trauma too . Yes I think the way mine was sort of dealt with initially didn’t help at all . I asked for help years ago, from GP and even as recent as last summer in a hospital appointment , and was told just to get on with it ... So tried to hide it . Ended up very mentally ill and even then two years before someone offered to help me . Therapist said a lot of stuff about resilience but in reality I’m shattered and scared if I break down again I won’t be able t pull myself back out .

I’ve written some stuff down for next appt and will also say to GP, that it would help if I could get five mins at the end of the call to calm down and come back to Earth basically .

@SingToTheSky I’m so glad you’ve been able to support your daughter ❤️ What you’re saying re ACT does match up a bit to what therapist has been saying so it maybe is what she’s working from .

That makes a lot of sense re processing the memories now too, they’ve just been sort of shoved in a box and left so maybe now my brains trying to organise them a bit perhaps ....

I found a letter I’d written closer to the time for someone and that helped me as in that letter I’d detailed all my experiences, and was able to look at that and remember things so it’s not coming back as a bolt out of the blue . Reduces a bit of the power a bit .

Stupidly sitting panicking tonight as I’m convinced in all of this I’ve forgotten the sodding dentist . Won’t know til Tues . Highly doubt I have but it wouldn’t surprise me . Be the second time as I forgot the last appointment too (between this and under investigation for anemia too) ... will phone dentist and explain on Tues that I have PTSD, and part of that is unfortunately probably not helping with the dentist - suspect I am subconsciously blocking out the appointments in my head (as the lying down bit is a massive trigger) . Hopefully they understand .

Had a relatively OK weekend - long walk on Sat then spent Sunday with family . Feel very flat today but I suppose that’s OK . I’ve pigged out a bit with food so not great ... I’ve to try and think about my core beliefs and how I could begin to challenge them . So at the moment I’m trying to just notice when I think something and label it is an example of a belief . Not easy and not sure I’m doing it right . Have Gp appointment Wed, then hospital Friday, then Gp again on Tues; then therapy two weeks later ... be glad of the GP appointment to be able to talk to someone in rl . Desperately wishing therapist was ringing this week which is maybe a good sign .

@traumaticconversations

It sounds as if you are making progress. You are so strong to be able to open up and accomplish all that you have and with just the one therapy session.
I think one of biggest stumbling blocks to moving forward in therapy happens when we aren't ready to change. You've shown you've already started to examine your beliefs and behaviours, and you are definitely ready to make changes.That is such a huge step
forward. There will probably be a few steps back, but you'll get through it because you are determined.
You've got this, OP!

[quote Sweetpea1532]@traumaticconversations

It sounds as if you are making progress. You are so strong to be able to open up and accomplish all that you have and with just the one therapy session.
I think one of biggest stumbling blocks to moving forward in therapy happens when we aren't ready to change. You've shown you've already started to examine your beliefs and behaviours, and you are definitely ready to make changes.That is such a huge step
forward. There will probably be a few steps back, but you'll get through it because you are determined.
You've got this, OP![/quote]
thank you x

Have been given homework from therapist - that’s been interesting and hard in equal measures . Asked me to list people I think love me as I am; and I realised in doing that how lovely some of my friends are ... and emailed those friends to say that . They’re probably going to think that’s a bit strange and out of the blue but wanted to tell them .

@traumaticconversations

I'm sure your friends will be touched that you told them how much they mean to you. They are able to validate who you really are and appreciate you for it. How very blessed you are to call them friends.
I am amazed at how well you are doing with the difficult assignments...you deserve to be very proud of yourself,OP. It is very hard work to look into ourselves and figure out who we really are...not who or what people have told us we are. I sure am proud of you! Keep going!

[quote Sweetpea1532]@traumaticconversations

I'm sure your friends will be touched that you told them how much they mean to you. They are able to validate who you really are and appreciate you for it. How very blessed you are to call them friends.
I am amazed at how well you are doing with the difficult assignments...you deserve to be very proud of yourself,OP. It is very hard work to look into ourselves and figure out who we really are...not who or what people have told us we are. I sure am proud of you! Keep going![/quote]
That’s a really lovely thing to say, thank you so much .

My friend did get back to me and said she has only ever been honest with me, which I’m not sure I totally understand but I think it means a good thing . She always says lovely kind things .

Hospital phoned and said I’m just going back on theatre list, which is an awful thought however I did tell the doctor on the phone that therapist has diagnosed PTSD and I think he understood - he said need to engage with therapist as need to be able to engage with medical treatment for physical issues and it’s a bit of a balancing act between the two . Said to talk to GP about it all . Still sticking with the homework sheets - am amazed how much work I’ve been given to do at home . Need to experiment a bit more with going out for walks etc as they trigger a lot of anxiety .

Thanks so much , It does help just checking in on here occasionally . Have spent all day gutting my mums house and now half watching the news ... going to try and find a film for the evening rather than continue with the TV all night, as very sad as the news is .

@traumaticconversations

Ahhh, what a lovely friend you have,OP....she is someone who is able to tell you the truth and not just say things to be polite because she is afraid it might hurt your feelings. It's very hard to be that kind of friend...she cares enough about you to tell you the truth. So yes, I feel that is a very good thing!
I'm glad you were able to tell the doctor on the phone about your therapist...it makes such a big difference to recovery if all are on the same page and understand what is happening with your physical health as well as your mental health.

You are making so much progress. I bet the therapist is impressed that you are completing the homework since most patients are not compliant. They get told what they can do to help fix a problem, but they don't want to put in the work by owning what they need to do to get better. Good work, OP!

It sounds like you've really been busy helping at your mum's. Sometimes it feels so good to put in some really hard work.
Keep taking those baby steps with the walks like you've been doing.

Yes, the news has been very depressing! A film sounds good.