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Senior colleague keeps telling everyone how quiet I am :(

26 replies

sheistooquiet · 30/03/2021 20:48

I started a new job a month ago. I have always been quiet and shy and this is my first job after university. I have made a lot of effort to talk to my colleagues, join in with small talk, laugh along with the jokes, etc. In my opinion I came across as average - not particularly talkative but also not completely silent. I know being shy is my natural default state though so it takes a lot of effort and energy to sustain this kind of state, especially when I'm with the same group of 6-10 colleagues all day everyday. I cherish the time where I have to go off on my own to do a task and I can just be silent.

All that effort is not enough though as a senior colleague keeps saying how quiet I am. He asked me why am I so quiet and I just kind of brushed it off, but today he introduced me to some colleagues I hadn't met yet but saying "this is [my name] and she is very quiet". Then he was explaining to us all how sometimes we may be changed into a difference team/office e.g. to provide cover for someone and then he said "for example, if I wanted to move [my name] because she is so quiet!" and laughed. He is kind of saying it in jest but it makes me feel really upset and uncomfortable as I feel like I'm not a valued team member but just some awkward mute.

OP posts:
MouseholeCat · 30/03/2021 20:57

What this colleague is doing is not appropriate. It is not okay for anyone to be singling you out for your personality. If you feel you are able to, you may want to raise this directly with the colleague first. However, given that they are repeatedly doing this and the fact they are senior you may want to go direct to HR.

MadMadMadamMim · 30/03/2021 20:59

Can you say something along the lines of Only on first impressions. When I get to know people better I'm chattier. It's nice to meet you.

And sort of ignore/brush over him.

He sounds an idiot, to be honest.

Silenceisnotalwaysgolden · 30/03/2021 21:01

He sounds an idiot to me! I’d also bet that the people he made the comments too, laughed uncomfortably or ignored his comments because they know he’s an idiot too. Ignore him and just be yourself. Most people have more maturity than him. Empty vessels make the most noise and all that.

midsomermurderess · 30/03/2021 21:06

He's undermining you. What to do about it though, I don't know.

SadFlower98 · 30/03/2021 21:08

So many shite managers around

sheistooquiet · 30/03/2021 21:31

I just hate that he singles me out of out everyone. If I am so quiet, surely the nice thing would be to let me stay under the radar rather than drawing attention to me/my personality?

One time he then rubbed my arm and said "I'm just joking around".

I want to brush it off but deep down I worry about my job if he thinks I'm too quiet then maybe my job is not safe? I have put to much effort in trying to be sociable.

He is quite senior, I think he's my line manager's manager.

OP posts:
Herewegoagainok · 30/03/2021 21:38

Everyone will think he's a dick op, especially the people he is introducing you to, so don't let it become a vicious circle where you constantly wonder if everyone thinks this about you etc. I would much rather work with someone quiet who makes an effort than a rude arsehole.

I would prepare something for if he uses you as an example again though. Does he tell long boring stories that he thinks everyone wants to hear? People like this usually do! Make a 'joke' about him boring people in return.

happytoday73 · 30/03/2021 21:45

Rubbed your arm? He's good at social distancing as well then....🤔

I think some people find quiet reserved people difficult to read and it puts them on edge. Their problem not yours.

Please do not keep telling people I quiet.. It makes me uncomfortable and quieter...

TheNestedIf · 30/03/2021 22:06

You shouldn't worry about your job, I don't think. He sounds a bit like the senior manager I had when I was fresh into the work place. I think he's trying to jokingly bring you out of yourself and raise your profile whilst letting other people know what sort of personality you are.

Thelnebriati · 30/03/2021 22:33

Don't change the way you behave. Its not that he thinks you are too quiet, he's bullying you by testing your boundaries. Next time he tries to touches you, say ''don't do that''. No fuss, no drama, just set a clear boundary.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/03/2021 22:39

Can you speak to your line manager in similar terms to what put here. You feel you are joining in and singling you out makes you feel awkward. He sounds inappropriate. It’s understandable to be quiet in a new job you are learning and don’t know people.

jessstan2 · 30/03/2021 22:40

Tell him to give the 'quiet' comments a rest. He has gone too far. Nobody wants things about themselves to be constantly brought to attention, it's rude.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/03/2021 23:29

I think you have two issues here. One is that this senior staff member is undermining your confidence and possibly undermining your effectiveness at work, but it's difficult to challenge people over comments like this, especially when you're new in post and they're more senior than you. The other is that if he has noticed you're shy it seems unlikely that your self-assessment that you come off as "average" is a good reflection of how you actually come across (despite the effort you're putting in).

Generally speaking, if you can keep your line manager happy your job will be pretty safe, and the senior manager sounds like he's not challenging you to be less quiet, he just finds it unusual/discomforting/noteworthy. So fears that you may be fired if you haven't been formally told it's a problem are unlikely to come true. But it may harm chances of promotion in that office since he's likely to hold some sway. If you can't get past this with him, work on relationships with other senior staff so you have others who will fight your corner.

While I think the advice to assert your boundaries if he touches you is entirely reasonable (a good idea, even), it doesn't sound like that is the extent of the behaviour you find undermining, or even the main aspect. It's his repeating his opinion of you being quiet and making it the focus of his introduction to others that seems to be the bigger issue(?) If so, having a set introduction of your own (that you can practice in front of the mirror and become comfortable saying assertively, out loud) that contradicts his assertion may be one way to combat this. E.g. "I'm not actually quiet, just learning the ropes. I'm really looking forward to working with you." If you contradict him in a genuine and nice way each time he does it he's more likely to stop. You could also try challenging him directly (again, in a genuine and nice way) if you have the opportunity to have 1:1 time with him. Even a quick "I would appreciate it if you didn't keep calling me 'quiet' to other members of staff. It make sit harder to fit in." might make him reassess. Unless he's deliberately trying to undermine you, of course. If that's seems to be the case, look for another job asap, you don't want to be swimming uphill in your first post.

Alternatively, what's your line manager like? Can you ask them why the senior manager says it and tell them you find it undermining? Or is there a colleague you trust who may be able to alleviate your fears or suggest the best way to handle this senior manager?

You also need to think if being shy/quiet likely to be detrimental to your career more generally. You say you've been making a huge effort, but it seems you still come across as shy. There are roles where that doesn't really matter but probably more where it does, especially if you are career minded and want to be promoted. Do you need to work more on being outgoing at work? You can take classes in things like public speaking and networking that can help make it much easier to go through the motions at work even if it's not the way you'd act in your free time. If shyness is likely to harm your work prospects even if this senior manager wasn't in the picture, you might want to look into them.

Finally, just in case this becomes a bigger thing, I would start keeping a diary of all the incidents so you have something to refer back to should it end up being necessary.

Amore2 · 31/03/2021 06:49

He doesn't seem to realise that workplaces/the world are full of extroverts and introverts (and those in between, I can go from one to another) and actually teams need a combination of personality types to function at their best. Really insensitive, boorish behaviour on his part. Difficult for you. Sounds like he could benefit from more training.

Like PPs have said, try to set your boundaries with this bore firmly but politely. If that doesn't work, then you are the best judge of the situation but I would consider mentioning it to your LM if they are approachable or directly to HR.

I have had people saying I am quiet and have learnt to say things like, 'just conserving energy until it's really needed!' Or have shown them a quiet strength later in one particular case which shocked the hello out of a particular woman who thought and kept saying, 'you are a quiet one'. People who know me well (and get to know you too, op) might realise it can be a strength.

Amore2 · 31/03/2021 06:51

*shocked the hell, not hello. Damn autocorrect.

Saltyslug · 31/03/2021 06:57

Talk to your manager and tell him it makes you feel rubbish when your trying to build your confidence

GoWalkabout · 31/03/2021 06:59

Thing is, you are consciously doing the small talk, but as a senior he probably doesn't see this? I would save your energies for making points in meetings or work related to build your credibility.

Yaty · 31/03/2021 07:00

Oh I feel this op as a fellow naturally quiet person, i can see why you are feeling singled out. I've learned best thing to do is take if straight on and if someone mentions you are quiet like it's a flaw (it's not) then I usually say something like "yes I am it's just my personality". 9 times out on 10 this shuts them up. If not then can go on to spell it out to them "its not a personality flaw". I appreciate whilst I'm quiet I'm not lacking confidence and it might feel difficult to challenge in this way but as ops have said its about showing your boundaries. It really annoys me that some people think you have to be loud to be good at your job. Sounds like you are making the effort to get to know people and join in. Unless your manager is saying it is affecting your performance it doesn't have to be a problem that you are a quieter person.

mondayp · 31/03/2021 07:05

Op in my last job on my last day my manager said "good luck in your new job, I'm sure you'll fit in and not be shy and awkward like some people".

Obviously a massive dig at my shyness - I was mortified and felt so embarrassed. I get this at work alot. It's crap but after a while he will stop.

Immunetypegoblin · 31/03/2021 07:13

Speak to your line manager and ask if there is anything wrong with your performance so far, as senior person keeps on mentioning it and it is stressing you out. Emphasise that you do talk to colleagues 1:1 and that he just may not see it, hence his constant repeating of the fact.

Good luck, he sounds like an idiot.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/03/2021 07:42

Have a chat with your line manager. They may well be able to reassure you.

Saltyslug · 31/03/2021 07:54

Explain to manager you feel worried about your job

FishWithoutABike · 31/03/2021 08:06

Maybe take the comments as an indication to try harder, just as if someone made a comment about me talking too much I’d take the hint.
I would never pull someone up for being quiet especially in public. He sounds insecure.

Deathraystare · 31/03/2021 08:09

So if you were a chatty Cathy disrupting everyone with your gossip that would be ok? I am 'livelier' than when I first went to work. I was very shy. (and got 'shat' on, wouldn't stick up for myself. ) I do remember one psychiatrist I worked with liked my personality!

It does annoy me though. Not everyone is an extrovert. Presumably your job is not dependant on you being extrovert??

Chronicallymothering · 31/03/2021 08:10

Have you read the Susan Cain book Quiet? Maybe it's one to tackle via your line manager and emphasising that you feel singled out by him behaviour. He clearly has very low self awareness.