Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

traumatised after being falsely charged with offence - how to cope?

30 replies

restrainingorder · 29/03/2021 18:25

I went through a trauma over last summer/autumn. Like lots of people in 2020 of course, but mine had its own flavour in that I was charged with a criminal offence where my long-term abuser claimed himself as victim.

The charge was dismissed by the CPS after I lawyered up at great expense- I never had to go to court - but I'm still struggling to come to terms with it all. It doesn't help that I can't get abuser out of my life entirely as we are locked in a commercial relationship that can't easily be got out of and is connected to my home.

Tough things:

  • hearing the police repeat his words was like a nightmare - like he was inside my clothes.
  • feeling like the police were at his beck and call (he is ex police - very old-school)
  • seeing documents where I was referred to as "suspect" and by surname alone
  • being so overcome with the emotions that I couldn't tell my story
  • being charged on the basis of a statement by the officer in interview that was simply untrue (the record says "suspect gasps, gestures impatiently and turns to solicitor expectantly. solicitor shakes head" - when they charged me they said it was because I had "failed to contradict" said statement).
  • having to tell colleagues/my regulator what had happened
  • having to hide what had happened from people locally
  • fear of losing my job and place in the world
  • physical fear - ongoing
  • shame, internalised sense of guilt even though I'd done nothing wrong
  • knowledge that he is a serial complainant and will keep doing this
  • hearing hard truths from my lawyer who I didn't particularly get on with but who probably told me things I needed to here. For instance - he just looked straight at me and said "this man is controlling you".
  • the woman I'd gone through it all with leaving so now it's just me

I know that ultimately I need to get the police to recognise who is perpetrator and who is victim here - that is the only way. But it's hard.

If anyone has any practical advice I would be grateful. If there are police officers reading this I would be grateful for input. I have a wealth of evidence about the abuse but the incidents are more than 6 months old so a criminal case for harrassment is out (I was almost unable to speak for about 2 months - there's no way I could have told the long complex story). I do now have the neighbourhood policing team involved on "my" side but they are only hearing a tiny part of the story.

OP posts:
Original poster
restrainingorder · 29/03/2021 18:26

just to add - I have accepted that it isnt currently possible to move (dispute disclosure)

OP posts:
MissisBoote · 29/03/2021 18:40

Firstly I'd contact women's aid or similar for specialist advice. Do you want to pursue a case against him? Are you looking at coercive control? I'm not sure that the 6 mths thing is an issue especially when you look at historical crimes that have been prosecuted in the last few years.

Secondly I'd look at getting some counselling to help you come to terms with everything that's happened. Have you spoken to a doctor about how it's affecting you?

Could you sell your half of the business or whatever and maybe cut your losses for a clean break?

coodawoodashooda · 29/03/2021 19:41

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I'd go to Women's Aid. No wonder you are struggling to get over that.

Original poster
restrainingorder · 29/03/2021 20:40

I never thought of Women’s Aid - thank you.

Yes - counselling would be good. Having the constable from neighbourhood policing helps but she is currently limited in what she can do.

It’s an achievement to have reached the point where I can start this sort of thread and actually communicate clearly enough to get these responses.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 29/03/2021 20:44

I've been through similar. I don't think at all as awful as you, but still awful. I've seen a homeopath who has helped me immeasurably.

Original poster
restrainingorder · 29/03/2021 20:56

Ooh! Thought I was the only one!
Anyone who has been through it is a star!

How did the homeopath help?

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 29/03/2021 21:30

I got accused but not like you have been. I can't imagine that. My abuser fkd with me with a different set of tricks. I don't know exactly what happened at the homeopath but it made me feel that life was possible again. Can you make a complaint about what happened?

coodawoodashooda · 29/03/2021 21:39

The six month harassment rule is out for now. I'm constantly wondering about the possibility of retrospectively prosecuting my abuser. The laws are changing all of the time.

Original poster
restrainingorder · 29/03/2021 21:45

Thanks for replying.
We can’t be the only ones!

Delighted that the homeopath unlocked life for your again.

OP posts:
Original poster
restrainingorder · 29/03/2021 21:48

“The six month harassment rule is out for now”

As in no longer applicable?

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 30/03/2021 02:05

I mean that I am certain if you were rich you could supercede their six month law and complain. Because likely you are not you are stuck at the mercy of it. I'm waiting for retrospective abuse to be illegal and then I think I'm going to prosecute my xh. The law isn't strong enough yet.

mackleless · 30/03/2021 05:02

You say you’re tied to him commercially- what does this mean? Do you own a company or property with him or something? Sell up and get away from him

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/03/2021 07:13

I did the Freedom programme and it was extremely therapeutic

It’s hard to articulate but it helps you put them in a box

It moves it from the traumatic almost into the mundane as week after week you realise that this is so common ,it’s text book abuser behaviour

My ex no longer scares me
I find him pathetic

It’s very freeing

I highly recommend

Also , cheesy I know but time is a healer

beginningoftheend · 30/03/2021 07:18

Could you get some specialist counselling? So sorry you've had all this happen to you Flowers

I agree try to find a supportive organisation of some type - like Women's Aid - so you feel less alone.

Do you have much support from friends and family?

PomegranateSeed · 30/03/2021 07:56

@restrainingorder I had an experience at work where my boss bullied me and made up a load of lies about me. It was horrible and made me suicidal. I felt some of what you did; intense shame, they were a person a notability and I was nobody, they led me to believe everyone knew. I got my union involved and was successful but I ended up with PTSD. I am currently having EMDR and it’s been so helpful, it’s really changed the way I feel about what happened. It’s like the cloud of shame has lifted and I’m no longer terrified of my evil ex-boss (they left).

DianaT1969 · 30/03/2021 08:05

You say he's a serial complainant, so you are expecting more. Are you expecting him to bring new cases based on current communication? If so, presumably you have cut all communication and use a mediator? Are young children involved? I appreciate you say that finances and your home are intwined, but I'd be changing my life as fast as possible so that they aren't.

Original poster
restrainingorder · 30/03/2021 09:10

coodawoodashooda - it's more time and strain than money. I have multiple civil judgments against him but not for harrassment - more on the commercial side. But I got those when there were more of us to do the work. It was extremely traumatic even working as a team (though I'm glad I did it).
He is energised by conflict and insult - think 90 pages witness statements full of self-pity, endless appeals, attacks on the judges, etc,etc. So these things are only part of the solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
restrainingorder · 30/03/2021 09:13

Thisisworsethananticpated

  • The Freedom Programme?

I love everything you are saying about putting him in a box, etc.

Also I totally get it about time. Truth to tell, I thought he was in a box (because of the jugments). I even stupidly thought he might be coming to terms with his humiliation. In retrospect that was naive - it only took the pandemic for him to flare up again.

If you can link me to the Freedom Programme I will look at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
restrainingorder · 30/03/2021 09:16

oh pomegranate Flowers

I'm so glad you are in a better place.
It's how they operate isn't it? They want to isolate you.

I cannot cut all communication unfortunately (statutory trusts).

I am grateful to those who are not telling me to "just cut the commercial relationship". It's not like this hasn't occurred to me.....

OP posts:
Original poster
restrainingorder · 30/03/2021 09:19

just to say no young children involved.
I've just told my 18 year old the full story, having shielded him from it all his life.
he was pretty upset - but he is not a child any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
restrainingorder · 30/03/2021 09:19

"You say he's a serial complainant, so you are expecting more"

Yes, and on a purely practical level that's what I need advice about most. How to have the police prepared.

OP posts:
HoldontoOneMoreDay · 30/03/2021 09:35

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The Freedom programme is online and something you can do right away to help you understand and process your emotions. I don't think (from your posts) that it's 100% relevant to your particular situation, but I think completing it will give you a handle on your emotions and help with your healing.

It's my hope that the immediate support from the Freedom programme would then give you space to work out what you want to do next. Women's Aid is a great place to start, Rights of Women and also particularly good when it comes to legal issues.

Thanks
HoldontoOneMoreDay · 30/03/2021 09:38

@restrainingorder

coodawoodashooda - it's more time and strain than money. I have multiple civil judgments against him but not for harrassment - more on the commercial side. But I got those when there were more of us to do the work. It was extremely traumatic even working as a team (though I'm glad I did it). He is energised by conflict and insult - think 90 pages witness statements full of self-pity, endless appeals, attacks on the judges, etc,etc. So these things are only part of the solution.
I think also from reading your posts that you are in a real state of 'fight' - that's an observation rather than a judgement - trauma of course spikes our adrenalin and can keep us in a highly reactive state. But it sounds like this is exactly what he wants, and is another form of control. Take your time, do a bit of healing before you work out what you want to do next.
Original poster
restrainingorder · 30/03/2021 09:40

HoldontoOneMoreDay -

Yes. You are right.

You've really read the situation - I appreciate it and indeed all the replies so far

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/03/2021 14:41

OP you need to self refer locally
They run loads and tend to even continue during Covid
If you go to their website they will have details
It’s 12 weeks
I had to ask work for time off
To attend , but you should even if you work
Please let me know how you get on

Honestly when sometimes you find yourselves laughing with other women , and being open about it
It’s massively helpful

Swipe left for the next trending thread