Dealing with a micro manager who doesn't communicate

[redpurplebuttons]

I recently started a new job and I'm finding it so tough.

My manager has very specific ideas of how she wants things done but doesn't communicate them.

My nature is to be proactive but whenever I try and pull together an initial draft of a piece of work, project etc it is never what she wants. She always completely rips it apart and re-writes it from scratch.

When I email her asking for a steer she doesn't reply. We meet once a fortnight and a few times now I've asked her how to approach something and written down word for word what she says but when it comes to doing the work it is still not what she wants.

She doesn't share anything with me at all. I have no idea what she is working on. She'll commission work which is relevant to my area (e.g. data) but won't copy me in so sometimes I'll then go to the exact same team and ask for the same thing and they'll respond that they're already working on it for my manager.

Bizarrely her feedback is that I'm doing fine, I have no idea what this is based on. I've always had excellent feedback from other managers so I don't think it's me but I'm not sure anymore. It's massively undermining my confidence and I've just been in tears after another disastrous meeting.

I don't know what more I can do. Anyone been in this situation? How do I improve it?

sounds very much like my last manager. Alas i didnt find a solution, as it was just her nature. Towards the end it started to affect the quality of my work - why write a great report if she is going to change everything anyway....though i had resigned by this stage.

It also meant she wasnt concentrating on the more strategic things she should have been and sorting out the issues that couldnt be resolved at my level.

Sorry i'd love to have a solution (mine was to resign). Concentrate on your mental wellbeing (this does affect confidence) as you have more chance of sorting that than changing your bosses' mindset

Sorry you were in the same situation @dreamingofsun . It is tough. Leaving has crossed my mind too (fortunately in my organisation internal transfers are relatively straightforward so I could try for one of those).

I wouldn't mind quite as much if she was very prescriptive and told me exactly what she wanted all the time. It would be annoying and patronising but at least then I'd have some hope of meeting her expectations. But it's this awful mix of knowing exactly what she wants but not communicating with me which is making it unbearable.

Bumping in case there is anyone else out there...

I would look for another job. This sort of thing is really soul destroying and undermining. I doubt they will change so move on if you can. Also if you stay keep a record of incidents just in case you need it.

Same boat, I've just continued to appear proactive and eager whilst hunting for another job.

Yeah, these people don't change. Reach out to others she manages to reassure yourself it's not just you, then apply for another role before you destroy all your credibility in this one.
Chin up, don't cry

I have had this before, there was nothing I could do to resolve the situation and, as PP have said, it was utterly demoralising. Find a new job, it’s not worth it.

Similar scenario last year, added difficulty that my boss was formerly a personal friend. It eventually made me quit and pretty much destroyed the friendship.

Sounds like my previous manager. It was utterly demoralising and, like you OP, it started to affect the quality of my work. I ended up moving line managers within the same organisation. I have regular catch ups with former colleagues and -yep- she's still doing the same thing with them and they hate it. When they try to talk to her about it she turns it round on them and implies they're under-performing.
I have no advice apart from finding another job, whether within the same organisation or elsewhere. My take on it is that it's a control issue and managers like that find it very hard to change as they think the problem is not them, it's other people.

I dealt with this for 5 years. Soul-crushing. I tried to manage upwards for a while but had to leave in the end. I only stuck it out as long as I did because it was a family member and I didn't want to cause wider family ructions, and I got other benefits (namely a more flexible job for a few years while the kids were small, while keeping my career going).

The main thing to hang onto is - it's NOT you. It's her. If she says you are doing fine, then just keep doing what you can, while looking for something else.

I would start working your network as soon as you can - set up some zoom coffee catch-ups with those previous managers who were complimentary about your work, they might be able to give you a steer or maybe they even have a position going in their teams that they haven't advertised yet. Or if there is an internal position you can go for without rocking the boat, then grab that opportunity with both hands.

The combination of expecting you to be a mind-reader, plus the implicit criticism of your work when she pulls it apart, is absolutely miserable. Mine was also hideously indecisive externally, while obviously having a very clear internal idea of what she wanted that she couldn't articulate or explain at all.

I remember once sitting down with mine and saying that when she delegated a task to me she had to say what the task was, when the deadline was, what the deliverable should look like, how it fit into other stuff that was going on etc. Then I could write it all down and we would have common expectations of a task. She nodded and then said "by the time I explain all that to you I could have just done it myself" (which was obviously not true) but I just gave up at that point... she'd never change.

I'm afraid I can't offer any solutions- just sympathy. My previous boss also tore apart anything I produced- claiming it was not in the right format/didn't include vital information (that he had not shared with me and I had no way of guessing) etc. I tried to learn from my experience with him by making notes on which format for which type of document, asking if he had any preference as to format, asking if there was extra info that I should be aware of etc. This just seemed to make him worse- his stock response was that I needed to show some initiative to design my own format and find out information. Except that if I did my own research/came up with a new format etc he would yell at me for wasting time 'reinventing the wheel'.

I came to the conclusion that he only thought about what he wanted after he had delegated a job and expected staff to match his thoughts. I left (and I was not the only one). He moaned to me about how useless my predecessor was and I'm sure he does the same about me now I've left.

@Xiaoxiong

The combination of expecting you to be a mind-reader, plus the implicit criticism of your work when she pulls it apart, is absolutely miserable. Mine was also hideously indecisive externally, while obviously having a very clear internal idea of what she wanted that she couldn't articulate or explain at all.

I remember once sitting down with mine and saying that when she delegated a task to me she had to say what the task was, when the deadline was, what the deliverable should look like, how it fit into other stuff that was going on etc. Then I could write it all down and we would have common expectations of a task. She nodded and then said "by the time I explain all that to you I could have just done it myself" (which was obviously not true) but I just gave up at that point... she'd never change.

This all sounds horribly familiar!

Unless you think that your manager is going to move soon, the best option sadly will be to look for another job. You don't seem to have enough grounds for any form of complaint that will get your manager moved.

I have exactly the same and it is impossible in the longer term for it not to affect your work. As PP said - how do you find the motivation to work long and hard on something which you know 100% they will tear apart and re-do all again. It becomes quicker and more efficient for everyone to get the bare bones done quicker so it can be completed quicker. It's a very vicious circle and probably they will never change. I feel like a glorified assistant rather than someone who has any autonomy and it has massively affected my self-confidence as I now doubt I can do anything myself...I am workign up to leaving but am pregnant so would prefer to find something else rather than return after maternity but I have left it a long time like this and it's really affected me mentally.

One question is: are you sure that her editing your work is the same as you performing poorly? In a lot of working practices I am familiar with, editing IS the feedback, and not a rebuke.

From experience I have found that those who set you up to fail and then tear the work apart are generally suffering from sort of self esteem issue. Your role is to make them feel good about themselves by being made to look stupid. It's a sort of passive aggressive bullying. I used to think it was all about the work, and their vision etc but looking back it's absolutely not. The better the work the worse the criticism.

Thanks for all of the comments and support! It is reassuring to know that I am not alone. Had some ice cream instead of crying.

@molojoko I have no problem with the editing in principle, it's just that it's not really editing. It's more deleting the entire document and writing it again from scratch. On one occasion, this happened after I'd already talked her through my approach and structure and she'd agreed it. I'd already involved stakeholders at that point and I had to go back out to them and get their thoughts again on what was essentially an entirely different document.

Another one saying leave. I worked with someone like this but she was a horrible person too and it destroyed my confidence for a while. At my next job I was like a timid little mouse for a long time, which is so not me, but I was convinced I was hopeless and it took me a long time to get back to bring me. It’s not worth the stress.

This must be so frustrating- but a slightly different viewpoint here.

On the one hand you say she rips your work apart, yet on the other you say her feedback is that you're doing fine. Well... which is it?

Is there a chance you're being a tad overdramatic as regards the changes she's asking for in your work? As, if her feedback is that you're doing fine in your role, surely she can't have too much of an issue with the fact that edits that are required, and perhaps she's just hoping you'll learn what's required (by osmosis, if she's a bad communicator?!) and settle in to the new role soon.

Some of the language you use suggests that you're investing too much emotion in this - ie "disastrous", the fact you've been in tears, the "starting from scratch." I accept it might be hard to be told to make lots of changes to your work when you've had glowing reports in previous roles; but perhaps it's just a question of adapting to your new job, a new organisation, and a manager who isn't good at communicating what she needs.

Might things be easier if you take her positive appraisal at face value, accept you're doing well, and suck up the edits until either you get to know the organisation and your manager a bit better - or until you find a new role with a manager who your can work with better?

@fellrunner85 I will concede that I probably am being a bit overdramatic. It is just a job, after all, and probably not worth crying over.

It's not really about how she views my performance though (although obviously it is good that she thinks I'm doing ok and it would be even worse if she were threatening to fire me). It's that it's really hard to work with her and she doesn't explain what she wants so I can't deliver it.

If she were giving feedback which I could act on next time that would actually be great but she doesn't, she just re-writes things. And even when I've asked in advance for very specific advice on how to approach something and followed it to the letter she will still say it isn't right. As an example, I once had to write a report for a senior manager. I discussed the structure and all of the things I was going to include with her in advance. She agreed all of this and said it should be 'no more than a few pages'. Then when I sent it to her for review she cut out all but 2 sections and said the others didn't need to be included and the whole thing should only be a one pager.

It's not the end of the world and I'm still getting paid, it's just hugely demoralising.

@roundturnandtwohalfhitches

From experience I have found that those who set you up to fail and then tear the work apart are generally suffering from sort of self esteem issue. Your role is to make them feel good about themselves by being made to look stupid. It's a sort of passive aggressive bullying. I used to think it was all about the work, and their vision etc but looking back it's absolutely not. The better the work the worse the criticism.

This, absolutely. And I don't think you're being overdramatic at all, OP. When a line manager chips away at your confidence like that, it has an effect. Just remember it's her incompetence at managing staff, not your incompetence at your job.

Have you got the confidence to ask for a meeting and be brutally honest with her about how you are finding her management style?

I have done this in the past and said I just need clear instructions about what you want/need and then I can happily do it. It's not helpful for you to micro manage every part of everything, and it's not going to work going forward if you just take things and re-write them without explanation or specific feedback on issues. How can we resolve this?

I'd give clear examples and say to her When you did this, it made me feel demoralised. Over time it's really detrimental to producing good work.

She's basically a piss poor manager if she carries on like this, but sometimes a clear way of pointing out to someone that actually they aren't doing a brilliant job and they maybe need to re-think their style can work.

You need to be ballsy. And if it doesn't work you can then look round for another job. But lots of people are saying leave - and I would try to resolve the issue first.

@redpurplebuttons I could have written this!!
I am in pretty much the same situation and it's soul destroying. Some days are ok, but I have lost count of the time I have just sat at desk and cried after I have tried really hard with something and then have it ripped apart.
I am wfh at the moment so maybe it will improve once we return but I doubt it.
I think (and this is what I'm doing) looking for a new job is the only way.
I do sympathise with you.

if you are working from home and this happens, can i suggest you get a network of likeminded people that you trust (maybe some others that report to that boss) that you can phone and let rip if you are having a bad day. I found this really helped me - knowing that it wasnt just me she was driving insane.

I would also keep notes and get as many written compliments for your work as possible, ideally from other senior managers. then if she does turn (which mine did) you can refer to them in any formal proceedings.