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Original poster

Can you help me get over myself?

34 replies

NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 10:00

I just can’t seem to get over the fact that my best friend sent her child into school during lockdown when she was at home all day every day (husband is key worker but also home all day every day). School pleaded with parents only to send children in if they was no one at home to look after them, so I just found this really selfish. Yes I know, I’m being judgy and there might be reasons I might not know about, but she told me she felt a bit bad but she found it too hard/it was doing her and her kid’s head it. Also, everyone had reasons why they would want their child in school just some respected the rules nonetheless and some didn’t.
I have to get over it because that period is over and over done now, and otherwise I’ll lose the friendship, but I can’t get past the fact that it felt like exceptionalism.
I know I’m being unreasonable which is why I haven’t posted in AIBU!

OP posts:
MarlowesSister · 29/03/2021 10:56

Assuming that there are no big issues that you don't know about then I agree with you. I feel the same about people I know who broke the rules consistently, for no good reason and because they're ultimately selfish fuckers.
However, it's pretty lonely up on my high horse. I find it hard to reconcile my extreme annoyance and their selfishness with the fact that I might get on well with someone and generally like them.

AWamBamBoom · 29/03/2021 11:02

I think this is a case of you don't know what goes on behind closed doors

katy1213 · 29/03/2021 11:07

And does your friend necessarily agree with everything you do? Like posting her private business on Mumsnet, for starters?

Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 11:09

Exactly @MarlowesSister don’t really know where to go from here!

OP posts:
Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 11:11

@AWamBamBoom

I think this is a case of you don't know what goes on behind closed doors
Yes it could be, I can only go on what she said which was that she and her DC found it hard going last time so decided not to do it this time but felt bad as both parents at home and husband’s key worker status is a stretch. Child is definitely not classed as vulnerable etc
OP posts:
Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 11:12

@katy1213

And does your friend necessarily agree with everything you do? Like posting her private business on Mumsnet, for starters?
Hello friend is that you?!!
OP posts:
something2say · 29/03/2021 11:13

Covid has brought a lot of changes really, hasn't it? We've all found out things about ourselves and others.

Tigerchips · 29/03/2021 11:15

You know you're being judgemental, you might well be justified in that.

But it's done. Forget it and live and let live.

Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 11:16

Ultimately friend has been open about fact that they broke the school’s rules in order to send their child in and they feel a bit bad but that’s it (so yes could be some sympathetic reason why but as far as friend has made out they just didn’t want to do it this time because it was tough first time around) and I either need to make my peace with that or not; and I don’t really want to be up on my high horse alone as PP put it really well, but equally I’m struggling to see past it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 11:18

@Tigerchips

You know you're being judgemental, you might well be justified in that.

But it's done. Forget it and live and let live.

Yes you’re very right I’m just struggling to forget it. It’s like I’m taking the piss take very personally... when it was more of a general piss take if that makes sense!
OP posts:
Teenagerwillbethedeathofme · 29/03/2021 11:18

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Everyone was just doing what they could to cope and survive. Perhaps things got too dire to cope with. To me it would suggest that your friend was struggling rather than being intentionally selfish.

Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 11:21

@Teenagerwillbethedeathofme

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Everyone was just doing what they could to cope and survive. Perhaps things got too dire to cope with. To me it would suggest that your friend was struggling rather than being intentionally selfish.
Very True. They kept inviting me for lovely walks with coffees whilst I was struggling to keep on top of work and home schooling and it looks like I’m still bitter. And I don’t like this about myself.
OP posts:
jessstan2 · 29/03/2021 11:27

@katy1213

And does your friend necessarily agree with everything you do? Like posting her private business on Mumsnet, for starters?
We are anonymous on here and the op has not posted anything that would be identifying.

I can understand how you feel, op, but can also understand how your friend felt about it so I sit on the fence about this.

Please try not to think about it any more, it's over and done with.

Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 11:33

@jessstan2 thank you,I really want to stop thinking about it, every school run is just reminding me and pissing me off at the moment, and I’d rather focus on the better days ahead but struggling to let it go I suppose.

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jessstan2 · 29/03/2021 11:35

I know but it does you more harm than her.

Time will take care of it.

GrettaGreen · 29/03/2021 11:37

The fact that this is your biggest gripe about her suggests she's a pretty good friend. Those are hard to come by.

Sittingonabench · 29/03/2021 11:38

I don’t think you need to forget about it, it speaks to her character and whilst it’s not great on that front ignoring the bad in people just sets you up for a fall later. For some people it may be a deal breaker but for many it won’t be. Some would be able to encompass it into existing friendship and accept that given the circumstances, whilst wrong it was understandable. Others would see it as showing selfishness at the expense of others and some may find a middle ground where they distance themselves a bit by focusing on other relationships but do not end that one. I would aim for the middle ground and see how you feel given time and space. Yes that period is over but there is still a significant amount of trauma to work through.

Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 11:48

@jessstan2 yes it definitely doing me more harm you’re right
@GrettaGreen I guess so but for whatever reason it feels like a big thing that I’ve become very resentful of and I’m not usually this kind of person
@Sittingonabench thank you that’s a really helpful way of looking at it.

OP posts:
haggistramp · 29/03/2021 11:56

Accept you don't know the full reasons and assume that your friend, who by all other accounts seems lovely, had genuine reasons to send her her kids to school which she is choosing not to share with you, which is within her rights. Or assume she is a cunt and move on/end the friendship.

Brewdoggydog · 29/03/2021 11:57

Trauma seems a bit much.

It's like my friend who claimed the self-employed grant, even though they didn't need it and their work had actually increased. Other people had lost their jobs, been furloughed etc and they were having their house decorated with the windfall. Yeah it's annoying, but doesn't really affect me and I'm not going to lose a friend over it. Plus, technically they were entitled to it, just like your friend was entitled to send her children to school because of key worker status. Other people will have an opinion as to whether she was right or wrong but ultimately you'll either be able to worry about more important things or you won't and you'll lose a friend. Both are fine.

Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 12:14

@haggistramp I suppose I don’t think either, I’m pretty sure there weren’t secret reasons, I also don’t think she is a cunt. That’s why I’m trying to just forget it but I seem to be quite bitter about it and I don’t like that.

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Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 12:17

@Brewdoggydog yes I get what you’re saying, I’m thinking that I don’t think she was really entitled to it as the school sent repeated emails saying we won’t turn you away but do not use your place if you have childcare at home. But presumable she felt entitled to, and either way schools are now open so it’s in the past. Don’t think I want to lose a friend but equally just forget about it hasn’t worked yet.

OP posts:
Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 29/03/2021 12:34

Know people who did this, and think they’re prize twats. If we’d all done it it wouldn’t work... they took advantage, same with “keep local” rules. Really disappointed me, they weren’t struggling and then were so offended when people said they didn’t like it. I really don’t care if rulebreakers were offended at being judged. I don’t mean the ones who were fretting about it... the flagrant breakers. One is a friend and I think of her differently, she also didn’t care to check in on others (would go on trips to family homes but no help her OAP next door neighbour)

Original poster
NCJustgetoverit · 29/03/2021 12:37

@Backstreetsbackalrightdadada I completely agree but also sick of feeling pissed off about it and want to get over my resentment about the situation

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 29/03/2021 12:44

Is it that you're secretly a bit jealous, and you don't like that about yourself? In which case you're directing your annoyance at the wrong person and that might be why you can't get past it?

Also there must be something hardwired into us to shun people who take action that harms the group - its an evolution thing - about continuation of the species, so your feelings are coming from an emotional place rather than a rational place - so you can't rationalise yourself out of them.