Can you help me get over myself?

[NCJustgetoverit]

I just can’t seem to get over the fact that my best friend sent her child into school during lockdown when she was at home all day every day (husband is key worker but also home all day every day). School pleaded with parents only to send children in if they was no one at home to look after them, so I just found this really selfish. Yes I know, I’m being judgy and there might be reasons I might not know about, but she told me she felt a bit bad but she found it too hard/it was doing her and her kid’s head it. Also, everyone had reasons why they would want their child in school just some respected the rules nonetheless and some didn’t.
I have to get over it because that period is over and over done now, and otherwise I’ll lose the friendship, but I can’t get past the fact that it felt like exceptionalism.
I know I’m being unreasonable which is why I haven’t posted in AIBU!

@NCJustgetoverit

I just can’t seem to get over the fact that my best friend sent her child into school during lockdown when she was at home all day every day (husband is key worker but also home all day every day). School pleaded with parents only to send children in if they was no one at home to look after them, so I just found this really selfish. Yes I know, I’m being judgy and there might be reasons I might not know about, but she told me she felt a bit bad but she found it too hard/it was doing her and her kid’s head it. Also, everyone had reasons why they would want their child in school just some respected the rules nonetheless and some didn’t. I have to get over it because that period is over and over done now, and otherwise I’ll lose the friendship, but I can’t get past the fact that it felt like exceptionalism. I know I’m being unreasonable which is why I haven’t posted in AIBU!

Ask yourself, what exactly, it has to do with you.

@SeaShoreGalore

Is it that you're secretly a bit jealous, and you don't like that about yourself? In which case you're directing your annoyance at the wrong person and that might be why you can't get past it?

Also there must be something hardwired into us to shun people who take action that harms the group - its an evolution thing - about continuation of the species, so your feelings are coming from an emotional place rather than a rational place - so you can't rationalise yourself out of them.

@SeaShoreGalore yes you’re right I’m probably jealous that best friend and her DC didn’t have the stress of home schooling during this lockdown, by going against the spirit of rules. I don’t like that about myself, I don’t like to compare. Very interesting point about not being able to rationalise it away, I’m trying and failing at the moment.

It’s not her fault that she had this option available to her.
It sounds to me like you wish you had the same, or that also suffered as much as you did.

Your friends circumstances do not detract from nor improve yours, you are separate families, not even related.

By that logic, you can go ahead and be jealous of everyone else you know who has something you want desperately, maybe that’s already the case.

It’s your life, you can ruin your own happiness however you wish. Jealous people often do end up with less, it’s a self fulfilling cycle.

How about if you were happy for your friend in a time when she may have been struggling even worse than you were... key workers were not given this option because they have an easy life!

Happiness for others tends to rub off on us, and you never know, your friend may help you out if a difficult situation sometime.

I do feel sorry for her, there she is inviting you out for lovely walks and coffees, and you are seething because for a short while her life appeared easier than yours. If she knew, she’d be very hurt. Have this thought about that? Maybe it point is that you did want her hurt - jealousy is a very hostile feeling.

You are better than this, it doesn’t have to be this way, look at things from a more positive logical perspective. You can definitely work through this if you try not to indulge that thought process and feeling which doesn’t serve you.

@PassionForFashion you are right I am feeling hostile it’s not a good feeling.

We both were technically entitled to a key worker school place, but were told by the school not to take it as we both are at home. She sent her DC in anyway, and yes that she seems to me like a selfish choice. And I see her differently now, judgy though that is.

Am surprised that you feel sorry for her in this scenario, that I didn’t have time or inclination to go for coffees and walks with her whilst home schooling and working, I certainly didn’t look at it like that!!

I feel sorry for her because she may believe you are a friend, and she would not be expecting hostility. Most of us generally do not expect our friends to be hostile. Disapproving is one thing, or maybe even a general remark about that at the beginning. Carrying it all this time, and the jealousy, is poisonous to the friendship.

Well done for obeying the rules, your friend made a different choice she felt was right for her family. Perhaps she has felt on the verge of a breakdown, suicides have gone up since Covid. Some people are able to hide how they feel from those closest to them. We cannot say who’s coping and who isn’t. You really cannot know everything in that family.

You can only deal with the hear and now, that time has passed.
What would make you feel better from today onwards? You want her to be punished in some way?

@PassionForFashion I don’t know how I can feel better about it that’s why I’m asking MN.

Rather than debate whether actually her decision was justified (I’m not going to agree on that based on everything I know such as her laughing and joking about how pissed off other parents would be with her ) I’m just here for advice on how to move past this choice my friend made that I feel really strongly about, to avoid ending the friendship, and also avoid carrying around anger and resentment about something that is now in the past.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, cannot be pleasant feelings. It’s wonderful you want to dispel this.

To get to the root, did you really want to send your children too, but have always been a stickler for the rules? Did you feel like you would get into trouble if you did but your friend managed to avoid consequences? So no you wish you had, too?

Help us understand what’s underlying the feeling, that will indicate the way out.

@TuesdayMorning thanks appreciate the help. I was happy to keep my children at home as I felt it was the right thing to do, but it was a tough couple of months.
I’m trying to think... maybe I’m bothered that friend has made no acknowledgement that what she did seemed self-interested, and has joked about other parent’s reactions, and wanted to take time out to do social things at a time when I was so overwhelmed and just trying to get through each day. It felt selfish but then other friends have broken rules and it hasn’t bothered me as much, live and let live etc??? So it’s not as if I feel this way about everyone who ‘broke’ Covid rules.. and that’s confusing to me!!!
This really did make me angry. Maybe because it’s my best friend, maybe I feel she was a bit insensitive about it? Maybe I had her on a pedestal before and thought she could do no wrong? And now she thinks everything back to normal and I still have these unresolved feelings that I want to somehow dispel. For my own food as well as hers.

*good