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Original poster

Would you think differently of your partner after this?

28 replies

Iworry2021 · 26/03/2021 07:50

So we went for a walk in the park last weekend.

I don't remember how we came to talk about it, but my partner revealed to me that he was a bit of a bully in school.

I asked him how he bullied people and he said him and his group of friends e.g. forced other children to share their food with them or interrupted a football game to mess with their ball.

He said he also sometimes stood up for bullied children and that he regrets some of his behavior at school.

I don't know what to think about it, I was severely bullied at school and still deal with some of the psychological effects as an adult.

How would you feel if your partner confessed something like that to you and would it change your opinion of them?

OP posts:
HikingInTheHills · 26/03/2021 07:57

No it wouldn’t change my opinion of him if he’s a decent adult. Kids can be shits, their brains aren’t fully developed and capable of the same sort of reasoning and understanding of consequences that adults are. They are easily swayed by lack mentality and being the same as their mates so they can fit in. If you are going to “punish” him by thinking badly of him because of your own experiences you probably have some deeper issues that you need help for. You can’t judge an adult for what they did as a kid, even kids who commit crimes get the slate wiped clean (generally) as adults.

Poorlykitten · 26/03/2021 07:59

No, not if he is regretful of his behaviour. We have all done things we are not proud of.

Everyday21 · 26/03/2021 07:59

I think people change so much over time and I certainly wouldnt hold it against him.

Sometimes bullys are the ones suffering most on the inside and have the most miserable lives. That doesn't make it okay but I think people change.

I'm certainly nothing like the person I was in school. I think it's good he can be honest and regrets his actions

GreenBalaclava · 26/03/2021 08:00

Is he kind and empathetic as an adult, OP?

Ughmaybenot · 26/03/2021 08:03

Depends a bit on the age but honestly I don’t think this would change my opinion of him. Children can be dicks sometimes but it’s how they grow from that and change into adulthood that really matters.
Slightly different, but my husband was a fighter at school. Always in one scrape or another, and I’m led to believe some much more serious than others. You’d never, ever think it now, he’s just the gentlest man. There was circumstances which explain why he was the way he was, and I don’t judge him for that. He was a child.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2021 08:04

Yes, this would change my opinion of him. For me. Bullying is abhorrent. It’s a side of his personality that existed. And I’d always wonder how he could do it.

CirqueDeMorgue · 26/03/2021 08:05

Not for stuff like that, it's bad but doesn't make him irredeemable. Certain 'types' of bullying would probably make me rethink.

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 26/03/2021 08:08

No not at all.
As previous posters said, kids can be dicks and doing stupid unkind things as a teen doesn't mean that is you for life. Christ, if i was to be judged forever for some of the things i did as a kid, there'd be no hope for me!

Judge him on the man he is now.

Lampzade · 26/03/2021 08:09

I have seen the adverse effects of bullying on my Godson, who has tried to take his life he was being relentlessly bullied.
So , I would feel differently about someone who had been a bully even if they had changed

Trisolaris · 26/03/2021 08:14

I think it depends on the context, how remorseful they were etc. But I would be unlikely to think less of someone who can genuinely recognise that they were a bully and has taken steps to change. It also shows they can admit when wrong. Many adults take that behaviour into adulthood and would never admit it.

Charm23 · 26/03/2021 08:18

If I ever found out my DH was a bully it would definitely upset me and tarnish my view of him. I was bullied and it ruined my high school years. I wouldn't be making excuses for him - it's a horrible thing to do and everyone knows that. All these excuses "kids will be kids" and "undeveloped brain" er... they know right from wrong! It's simply a disgusting way to act. I know people can change/grow up but that doesn't mean that as a child or a teen they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions.

Echobelly · 26/03/2021 08:21

I don't think it would change things - as it is DH says he was the bullied kid if anything. He's very assertive now, but he's said he wasn't as a kid.

Sleepingdogs12 · 26/03/2021 08:26

I think it would depend on how he is now, if I could still see evidence of unkind behaviour or tried to victim blame I would find it hard to carry on. But if he was a different person now I think I would see it as part of making mistakes and maturing. Wonder why he is telling you ?

Bouledeneige · 26/03/2021 08:27

Well I think it's good he was honest. It wouldn't change how I felt about him. My ex told me something similar - it was to distract attention away from being unpopular because his Dad was a teacher...

After all so many people talk about their experiences being bullied but few admit to being bullies.

BoomTastic1 · 26/03/2021 08:29

Yes and no, I'd think they were a shit at school. But I would judge them by their behaviour now iyswim.

Cabinfever10 · 26/03/2021 08:32

Yes I would.
I bullied mercilessly for my entire school life by both teachers (due to my dyslexia) and students (due to my ASD) and although it was "only " verbal not physical bullying it caused me life long mental health issues.
I really don't care how miserable a childhood my bullies had or how much they may have changed the fact is deep down where it counts they are the same nasty people that they have always been, this is true of all bullies in my experience so I couldn't be with someone who was a bully especially if he was only sorry for some of it

BigFatLiar · 26/03/2021 08:32

I'd hate to think that people would judge me on how I was as a teenager.

ItsAllComingBackToMeNow · 26/03/2021 08:52

I’m a primary school teacher and I would say that if he is being honest about the level of bullying and he is a good person now, then I would let it go. I’m not saying that I would accept that in my class, I certainly wouldn’t, but many, many children make mistakes and do things an adult would not be proud of.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/03/2021 08:53

Only if it highlighted to me issues with them as an adult - otherwise no.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/03/2021 08:55

No and especially if he regrets it , despite what people say kids don't always get it and the damage it does and I believe in forgiveness for those that acknowledge, I think most of us have made some mistakes in life or said something horrible and if we never forgave anyone that would be a shame.
Also things like annoying other kids football games I would consider that more just being twats than bullying , taking kids food is bullying though.
Most kids are not bullies but most have probably annoyed another child or said something unkind at one point.

Fromage · 26/03/2021 09:04

I am so changed and damaged and scarred from school bullying that it would be an issue for me.

It's not a question of judging someone for being a total shit of a human in their teen years, it's self protection.

Imagine if you had lost someone to drug abuse 20 years ago, and then you found out someone now in your life used to be a dealer .

It's horribly difficult.

Theswitch · 26/03/2021 09:08

No, it wouldn’t change my opinion (assuming he isn’t a bully now?). Kids can be horrible, then the grow up & can be horrible but also people change!

Themadcatparade · 26/03/2021 09:36

Despite his past it’s quite noble of him to actually admit he was a bully that must have been very hard to do and obviously accept of himself. We all have a past full of mistakes and hurtful actions, the main thing is you walk away, admit your doings and learn from them

MrsBobDylan · 26/03/2021 10:11

I was once in a relationship with a man who said he bullied other kids at school. I don't remember him ever expressing remorse.

Transpires he was still a bully and I am thankfully free of him now.

I would ask him if he understands the impact his actions had and tell him something of your experience, then go from there. You will soon know if he is still the school bully or if it is something he left behind in childhood.

mindutopia · 26/03/2021 12:19

What you're describing to me doesn't sound like 'bullying'. Being a bit mean, yes, to make other children share their lunch or to interrupt other kids playing football. It's not nice, but to me, bullying is relentless, over time abusive behaviour. Telling someone they need to give you their yogurt or jumping into a football game and kicking the ball probably isn't something that caused anyone any harm. Kids are pretty resilient and nothing you've said screams that he has engaged in a lifelong pattern of abusive behaviour and no it wouldn't bother me.

Dh whacked his brother in the head with an ax as a kid because they got in a fight while chopping up logs. It left a scar that his brother still has 30 years later. But it's never made me think it's a bully or a terrible person. Sometimes kids fight and do dumb things, but they are still learning about social boundaries and impulse control. Dh is wonderful and not at all an abusive person, but does admit he and his brother had a fiery relationship as kids (they're best friends now). I'd be much more concerned with the sort of person he is today.

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