Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

In tears...Toddler refuses to go to Nursery...

36 replies

faithfulbird20 · 25/03/2021 09:49

My 3 year old hates nursery all of a sudden and absolutely refuses to get out of bed to go to nursery. We've had a tantrum today and she's not been in all week. Part of me just wants to die and cry cry cry. It's just so stressful. I don't want this battle anymore. I have a 3 week old baby to look after. Everybody else's kid goes but mines doesn't. She wasn't like this before...she used to be scared but still go and now she cries....she's nearly four btw...I feel like a failure...I didn't raise her right and gave her too much freedom....HELP...

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 25/03/2021 09:52

I doubt it's that you gave her too much freedom! She's only 3. Do you think she's feeling a bit unsettled with the new baby?

Does nursery say anything about how she is when she's there? Or are there other children she particularly likes to play with?

pitterpatterrain · 25/03/2021 09:52

It’s a phase. It’s all a phase!

Both my DC went through the same thing, and came out the other side.

Although: give yourself half a chance, with a new baby that’s a lot to deal with. Is there anyone else who could take her?

Else our approach was unfortunately to bake in the time she would need to get annoyed and then over it, waking up earlier, starting walking earlier etc.

Sure there will be lots of others who can tell their stories and tips and tricks

TeenMinusTests · 25/03/2021 09:52

Perhaps the 3 week old baby has something to do with it?

Her little life has been turned upside down, and now this small cryee thing is getting all your attention and she is being shoved off to nursery?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 3 year olds 4 year olds Babies & sleep

Onedropbeat · 25/03/2021 09:52

Has she said why?
If she won’t say why have you asked her teachers what happens when she’s there?
It’s often that they worry about going in and then are happy once they are there

It’s possibly that the change to having a mew baby sibling has worried her

My son started nursery when baby was just a few months old and it took him a while to settle in.
He absolutely loves going now.

But we did have the battles

Ok the days where I couldn’t take it anymore DH did the drop offs

Screwcorona · 25/03/2021 09:54

Absolutely not a failure, this probably seems so much harder as you'd got the baby too. I can only imagine shes aware that baby gets to stay home with you.

Can you get her up as if it's a normal day, don't mention nursery, have her things ready the night before so its minimal packing in the morning.

Even if shes late you may be able to get her in

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/03/2021 09:55

How is she once she’s there? I’d be willing to force her to nursery everyday if she’s fine once she’s actually there.

Normandy144 · 25/03/2021 09:56

Don't be so hard on yourself. The answer is right there in your OP. You have a 3 week old baby. Of course she doesn't want to go to nursery. She wants to be at home with mummy like the brand new baby who has arrived. Do you have a partner who can help get her dressed and get her out of the house to nursery? Your eldest needs reassurance that you haven't replaced her. Have you spoken to nursery about it - they can help her to adjust. In the meantime lots of praise with your eldest and involving her as much as you can and reassuring her you love her etc etc. It's hard but she's jealous essentially. It will pass but it's difficult I understand.

pitterpatterrain · 25/03/2021 09:58

Yes screw and grumpy that gives me flashbacks of being on mat leave and my eldest getting to nursery around 10-12 but we still got there eventually (!)

imsoinmyhead · 25/03/2021 09:59

Mine cried for the first year of nursery but then suddenly absolutely loved it and is now super happy at the same school.

This all feels so much worse because you have a newborn! She probably wants to stay home with you and the baby hence the tantrums. Can your partner not help you out here? Maybe he could do the nursery run

Original poster

faithfulbird20 · 25/03/2021 10:01

She went 3 days last week first day was her return after lockdown, second day she went an hour late (she changed her mind about staying at home) third day was happy to go. Then on Friday she had a cold so we didn't send her. Since then everyday this week has been a battle. Loud crying and screaming...loads of tears...lots and lots. My husband works night shifts and it's hard on him too. I don't know what to do...any advice..shall I send her after Easter? We don't have much of a routine...

OP posts:

OchreBlue · 25/03/2021 10:02

It's really not your fault or anything to do with your parenting, most kids go through it at some stage and like pp said she is perhaps unsettled due to your new baby. If it's an option for you I found having her dad take mine in really helped, she clung to me but skipped in happily with him. I would rule out a real issue first though-speak to nursery, check there's not been an incident or a falling out with a friend. What is she like when she comes home? My DD is 4 and is very reluctant to go to nursery but full of the joy of it when she leaves and chats about who she can't wait to play with the next day, so I know it's just nerves in the morning rather than that she actually hates it. Have they changed her nursery situation? New key worker or different room? Mine went up to the preschool room at that age which is a bit more education focused which can be unsettling for them at first. Probably wrong but I do bribe my with stickers and a sweetie if she gets dressed and coat on for nursery and it's amazing how quick the tears stop!

OchreBlue · 25/03/2021 10:07

Sorry cross posted with you OP, perhaps discuss it with nursery they may not realise what difficulty you're having getting her in and can suggest some solutions. How long have you got till Easter, just the rest of this week or is it open next week? (Mine have got a 3 week break this Easter) see if nursery think a week to practice a new routine to help her in might help, or just a big break then a fresh start.

Seeline · 25/03/2021 10:08

@faithfulbird20

So she was sent back to nursery last week after ages off - can she even remember going previously?

And she was sent back after this new baby suddenly appeared in her home, taking up all Mummy's time and interrupting her play time and crying all the time?

Hmmm......

I think she possibly needs some extra time and reassurance.

GirlInterruptedAgain · 25/03/2021 10:11

Maybe she doesn’t like that she’s being ‘sent away’ and you’re spending that time with baby?
Has something happened at nursery to upset her? Speak to the staff
Could well be a phase which doesn’t help you now, but if that’s the case it will pass...
How do you broach it?’wow. You get to go and play in the sand pit/water paint/ draw /get snacks while I tidy up and clean the house!! How lucky you are!
Could be one of many things really...

drainrat · 25/03/2021 10:23

This generation of little ones is having a lot of uncertainty and torment what with closures and lockdowns, and the new baby won’t have helped.

It will be tough for your partner who’s working nights but they need to do the baby’s morning routine (expressed milk) while you focus exclusively on your toddler before school drop off. Praise, attention, reassurance, cuddles and kisses, rewards (Baby Bels or raisins work better than stickers for kids who need instant gratification).

Whatever you do, don’t take her out or let her stay home. That just teaches that kicking up a fuss gets them exactly what they want, at everyone else’s inconvenience.

Your partner can sleep after you return from drop off. It’s only for a few weeks, he’ll live.

mindutopia · 25/03/2021 10:25

It sounds like she needs time to settle in again. She's been home for 3+ months? It's like starting all over again. But at the same time, she's 3. My 3 year old says every day that he doesn't want to go to nursery. He loves it once he's there and has a great time. I pick him up and put him in the car and I pick him up and carry him to the door and wave him off and the nursery staff are there to support him. He's fine and she will be too. Do you have a partner around who can be doing more of the parenting in the morning? It sounds like it's tough getting out the door with a 3 year old and a new baby and you need more support.

user1493413286 · 25/03/2021 10:26

The three week old baby is the clue for me; the first few times my DD went to nursery after DS was born she was literally carried there by her dad screaming. It was awful and getting her dressed to go was a massive battle:
I know it’s hard but you need to get her to go even if it’s late because of a tantrum and don’t give her the choice in it; if she’s nearly 4 then I’m guessing she’ll be going to school in September and that won’t be optional if she decides she doesn’t want to go.

SarahAndQuack · 25/03/2021 10:30

She is also just the age for tantrums. Mine's 3 nearly 4 and she's suddenly erupted into screeching tantrums for no especial reason.

I was wondering what happens when you don't send her in? I think little children sometimes refuse something because it's the only way they can exert any kind of control. It's not necessarily because they actually don't want to do that thing.

What happens on the days she doesn't go in?

StringyPotatoes · 25/03/2021 10:31

That's a difficult one, OP. It's so hard when children suffer separation anxiety - for them and for you!

A solid routine will help all of you, I think. Choose how many days you'd like her there and which ones they will be and, barring any illnesses, take her. Allowing her to change her mind etc sounds kind in theory but too much choice and control can be overwhelming for small children and heighten their anxiety (did I make the right decision? Will Mummy be cross? What am I missing at nursery if I stay home? But what am I missing at home if I go? Etc)
Any good nursery will let you call half an hour after drop off to find out how she's settled and reassure you that she's happy.

Be calm and matter of fact when getting ready, leaving plenty on extra time for tantrums. But give her as much control as possible, letting her lay out her clothes the night before when she's calm and asking her what she wants in her sandwich etc.

Make a visual timetable of the week so she knows what day it is and whether it's a home day or a nursery day as there won't be much else to mark the week out without groups etc.

Make time to do her choice of activity when she gets home and "ignore" the baby as much as possible (place her in a bouncy chair to watch or in a carrier so you have both hands free to do the jigsaw or whatever - I don't mean leave her to cry or anything). Even 10mins will make your DD feel valued.

jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 10:33

Does your daughter need to go to nursery at the moment? I mean, you are not working because you have a young baby.

Why not leave nursery for a while and let her stay with you and the baby, she might like that if you involve her and later on she will want to go out and mix with other children.

Ivyiris · 25/03/2021 10:34

It will be the baby, it's a huge change for her. Can't comment on nursery as my eldest was 21 months when she became a big sister but it was a huge change and she had her moments. I think it will be a phase. Make sure you get plenty of 1:1 time with her maybe use that to help. Like planning an activity she likes after nursery. It's no your parenting op it's her adjusting to a big change, don't blame yourself . Hope it improves soon for you.

Blurp · 25/03/2021 10:36

Have you spoken to nursery about it? It sounds like a combination of returning after lockdown plus new baby has unsettled her, but it's worth checking with nursery that nothing has happened there. They may well have some strategies to help her too.

It could be worth stopping sending her now until after Easter, letting her get settled at home and then extolling the benefits and joys of going to nursery.

I had a bit of success with telling DS "You get to go to nursery today! I have to stay at home with DD and her stinky poos!" - he was going through a phase of everything related to poo being hilarious and it made him laugh and got him over that initial hurdle. Then I made a big fuss of him when he came home, and he was totally happy.

Whatever you think will work is worth a try; get Nursery on board too. We were able to bring DD into nursery early on and let DS show her the toys. I think it made him realise that she couldn't play with the toys, so he was all pleased that he could. Obviously Covid probably means that won't work, but nursery might suggest something.

Bribery is also good. Sweets, stickers, TV time and magazines were our best options for that.

sanfranfibber · 25/03/2021 11:10

Why hasn't she been in for a while? Maybe whatever reason you gave her has unsettled her or subconsciously she's picked up on it and is now afraid?

RosieRoww · 25/03/2021 11:27

It's just a phase.
My dad used to be like that, although she used to cry a lot every morning.
We tried to stick our routine and after 3-4 weeks she was just okay.
Her nursery teacher said it's very common, just don't give up.

RosieRoww · 25/03/2021 11:28

Ops not dad, but dd.🤦🏻‍♀️😃

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread