In tears...Toddler refuses to go to Nursery...

[faithfulbird20]

My 3 year old hates nursery all of a sudden and absolutely refuses to get out of bed to go to nursery. We've had a tantrum today and she's not been in all week. Part of me just wants to die and cry cry cry. It's just so stressful. I don't want this battle anymore. I have a 3 week old baby to look after. Everybody else's kid goes but mines doesn't. She wasn't like this before...she used to be scared but still go and now she cries....she's nearly four btw...I feel like a failure...I didn't raise her right and gave her too much freedom....HELP...

Definitely don't give up but it will require some work on your behalf and your DH. I know he works nights but for now just as a previous poster suggested get your DH to look after the baby while you take DD to nursery. At the end of the day he's going to get a lot more peace and quiet to sleep in once your eldest is at nursery. Give your eldest lots of attention and praise. Try not to make it all about the new baby when you're with her. Open up the communication with nursery about how hard it has been on DD and the arrival of her new sibling. Together you will get there but it's got to be a joint effort. She's clearly had her nose put out of joint by the arrival of her sibling which is completely natural and the fact that after such a long break she's got comfortable at home. It will improve but you just need to change the approach for the short term.

@SarahAndQuack

She is also just the age for tantrums. Mine's 3 nearly 4 and she's suddenly erupted into screeching tantrums for no especial reason.

I was wondering what happens when you don't send her in? I think little children sometimes refuse something because it's the only way they can exert any kind of control. It's not necessarily because they actually don't want to do that thing.

What happens on the days she doesn't go in?

Agree with this, mine is the same age and she's been upping her random tantrums over the last couple of months. She is often horrific in the mornings about not wanting to go to nursery but it's not negotiable here and if we can't calm her down then we just plod on and grit our teeth, she still goes in the buggy on the way there. She's absolutely fine once she gets there and walks in the door happily without a second glance, she just messes about at home. I agree it's a control thing and not because she really dislikes nursery or anything. I'm wondering if your DD feels left out though with the new baby getting to stay at home?

As soon as you mentioned the new baby I thought.. that's it.

She's vying for your attention. Can you spend 1:1 mummy time with her and have a set time every day? For example after she wakes up or after breakfast before nursery you spend even just 15 minutes doing something just you and her but something she has chosen to do?

I think you would see an improvement. Good luck

I worked in a nursery to gain my NVQ.. To the outside world it looked a wonderful nursery, the owner and staff were loving and caring to the children infront of their parents at drop off and pick up time but as soon as drop off's were over the place was horrific.. children strapped in buggies as 'punishment', babies and any toddler that cried were ignored, we were never allowed to pick them up to comfort them.
I comforted any child crying and was reprimanded and told in no uncertain terms to let them cry (I never did)
All of the children had to eat the same food whether they liked it or not and were not allowed a drink until they had finished eating.
A play kitchen fell onto the back of a toddlers neck, it wasn't logged nor were the parents told.
It was an horrific place.
I wouldn't have let them look after my rabbit.
When Ofsted came all the staff had to be in working and every child was pandered to.
If your child doesn't want to go, don't send her..
I kept notes of all the incidents, told my tutor and they were reported but their charade continued and I was asked to leave.

Just wait till after Easter, give her a bit more time with you and her new baby. Call the nursery up and explain and talk it through with them - they’ll have lots of good advice based on how she was with them before lockdowns. Congratulations on the new baby!

Everybody else's kid goes but mines doesn't. She wasn't like this before...she used to be scared but still go and now she cries

All children I know have gone through this phase. My 3 year old was like this before Christmas and he cried and clung. He runs in now and is fine. My 6 year old is having a bit of a phase of not wanting to go into school but she's fine once I am out of sight.

It gets better. Children do a brilliant job of making you worry (and once you're over the current phase something else will take over the worrying)

When mine was that age she hated nursery, so much they had to reduce her hours for a while. There was no siblings etc she just struggled a little. She's now 12 and loves school.

She may be fine once she gets there and vack into the swing of it.

DD really didn't like her previous nursery but pretty much skips happily in to the new one.

If you think it's more than just a little phase it could be worth considering a different nursery, or a childminder.

Whatever you do, your DD needs to know that tantrumming will make no difference. You need to take her every day, whatever!

Bekinder, thank you for posting that. The place sounds horrific, frankly.

When my DS did similar it was a case of fireman hold under the arm, strapped him into the car seat (screaming the whole way) and taking him screaming to nursery. He actually slipped away from me and the nursery manager and I had to coral him in the car park (small village, very safe). She took over, took him inside, and called me 10 minutes later - he had completely calmed down.

Tried it again when school age, wouldn't get dressed. Packed uniform in a bag and out it down in the corridor and he knew he was getting dropped off at school in his pyjamas if he kept it up, and so managed to get dressed faster than he ever had before. He did NOT want to be dropped off in pyjamas.

If they know the tantrum will get them what they want, then they will tantrum to get it. If the tantrum doesn't get them what they want, they usually quickly subside.

1st time back at nursery for a long time i'm presuming and a 3 week old baby, i'm not suprised she doesn't want to gon thats a lot of change all in one go for her.

How come she is only back at nursery now?