Toxic family relationships

[Ted13]

I went to bed with a headache after yesterday’s ongoings and have woke up with a headache -
I feel completely and utterly drained beyond belief.

I’ll explain more:

I recently got engaged, most amazing thing ever. Honestly I couldn’t be happier - was over the moon to tell my brother and sister and call my parents and share my joy. You know, as any person would be. Anyway, 3 days after I announced my engagement my sister called, she asked me that I shouldn’t invite my brother and his fiancé to the engagement party and wedding as she doesn’t get on with them (they had a row 3 years ago), and I am being disloyal to her and my parents (she has manipulated them for years it’s horrible to see).

Anyway, I said to my mum that I am going invite everyone, and if someone isn’t happy then they don’t have to sit near them etc, I just want happiness. I don’t want to make choices and hurt anyone by not inviting them, this is a wedding not a bloody trip to tesco! So time moved on, everyone seemed happy I booked the engagement party venue and I’ve been so happy - finally everyone can put their argument aside. Until yesterday, my sister messaged me with a number of insults implying that I have no loyalty to her and I’m breaking family trust and sisterly trust by going against her.

I’m at breaking point if I’m honest with you - I’ve ended up blocking her as she can’t help herself but throw insults around. I can’t be walking on eggshells thinking “is she going to kick off?” I’m not getting married for another 18 months or so! I am just at such a loose end.

I then rang my mum, and just said how disappointed I was in the matter and how I invited her but she can’t help herself and I can’t be having her making my special day about her and her drama and long drawn out unnecessary arguments.

This is where I am just in shock ... my mum said “if you don’t invite your sister, then me and your dad are not going”.

Why should I put my mental health and well-being at the back of my own priorities and putting my sister first who has caused so much hurt?

This is a situation I didn’t want to be in - not even engaged one month and I have been happy 3 days.

My partner is absolutely shocked by their behaviour, he’s seen me crying in the bath, and just totally feel like I have no choice but to let everyone be happy and myself be miserable.

What do I do? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just let everyone come? I’m just at breaking point. 😔

I am most shocked about your parents response. That would be unforgivable in my book. They shouldn’t pick sides.

Is there a narc dynamic in your family where your sister is the golden child? And you and/or your brother the scapegoat?
That would explain what happened.

I'm afraid that whoever gives me an ultimatum, loses. It doesn't even matter if I mostly agree with them. If you blackmail me with the threat of not coming to an event because someone else dear to me is invited then I won't comply purely because I won't have my hand forced.

Plus it's not primary school anymore. Unless it is something really serious (such as theft, abuse, rape etc) and not just an argument over something then they need to pull the big girl panties up and suck it up for an evening. They're adults. Supposedly.

@CrazyNeighbour my brother? My absolute rock - we’ve always been close. My sister doesn’t like his fiancé, they had a falling out as she has an opinion on everything and a “to-do” happened at the house several years ago which has always been the matter of everyone’s excuses. I didn’t get involved and I’m being tarnished for not taking sides. My parents think I’m taking my brothers side when I’m not, I just want everyone to be happy. After a shit year through covid I really thought it might have put things into perspective - you know, but apparently not.

It’s just a sad experience if I’m honest. My parents have said that if I didn’t invite her they won’t go; but I did invite my sister, but a day after the invite was sent the abuse and messages started. I can’t live like this for another year a bit, I mean come on. I honestly don’t know how my relationship with my family can continue after this... I’d rather them have not given me a engagement card and present as I feel like this plan has been conjured from the start

@LaBellina I am shocked too. I am embarrassed, shocked, upset - probably experiencing every feeling today.

She’s a big character and she runs the house shall I say. Her opinion and what she feels always goes - I’m 30, she’s 37. I honestly thought this would be something that would change- but it’s just got worse with age. I feel like my only family is my brother and my partner whose just outraged by the whole thing.

@ChangedName4TheSakeOfIt yep. Agree with you. It was a argument which happened due to a petty petty petty situation. Something which can be let gone of. I’m just so lost by it all - usually would go to my mum for advice, but I’ve just been totally shocked by the messages. She ended it with I’m not getting involved with anything. This is a wedding. I can’t fathom how someone can be so cold - when they’ve been your rock, best friend and mother? I’m just lost

I know what you mean OP. There are some family members that I have behaving in the same way - it’s always about them, isn’t it?

I learned to keep very low contact with family members that only create drama, much easier and more peaceful then constantly having to deal with their tantrums. If I were in your shoes, I would take distance for a few weeks and not contact any of them (your sister/ parents) at all. Take the time to think about what happened and ask yourself if this kind of family toxicity is what you want on your engagement party/wedding. They should realize what they did to you and if they properly apologize upon THEIR initiative, then you can start to think if you still want them to be there.
My narc family members have tried to ruin my pregnancy and the days after DS was born and looking back I wish I had gone low contact with them sooner so they wouldn’t have had a chance to do so. Family that make the most precious moments of your life a misery because they can’t control their tantrums and power games are a very red flag IMO.

I’m sorry! And, just to say, weddings definitely bring out all the problems in families. I didn’t think mine had any until I was doing the seating plan.....

Just as another perspective: if your parents do go to your wedding, and your sister hasn’t been invited, then they’re taking sides, aren’t they? Your side! Similarly, if they get involved now, then they’re also taking your side.

It is really hard, but can you just leave it for a year? A lot may have calmed down by then!

@LaBellina thank you for advice - I’ve just never felt so low and lost. I’ll take on board your words of advice. I think I need some time to think about what’s happened, evaluate my thoughts and just calm down.

@Curioushorse absolutely - I can leave it. But it’s the planning, after a shit year I want to go wedding dress shopping, have his parents meet my parents. How can we do this and talk weddings knowing my parents might not actually come? We’re in our 30s and it’s not even about sides - I just feel totally and utterly in shock by this whole situation. I’ve walked on egg shells my whole life around everyone and finally it’s one day where I can be happy and celebrate and it’s just been taken away before it’s even happened

Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk about it/need some advice. I know how frustrating it is xxx

OP you said a couple of times about 'wanting everyone to be happy'. That is completely understandable but I think it also is a hope you will need to give up on. That can only really happen if others are committed to the same cause and clearly your sister and parents are not. I have a manipulative older sister and my guess would be that your sister has spun the interactions for your parents and they have kept the blinkers on in believing her - i.e. she lied to them and they don't want to see through it. You could try telling them that you have invited her but her issue seems to be that you have also invited your brother. If they can't see the truth of the situation from that I think you need to find a way to enjoy the party without them there and I would advise to not talk to them about it again at all as this gives them power which they can't be trusted with. So sorry to hear this. It is hard when family don't think about your needs and nurture you. Your fiancé's shock suggests he comes from a more functional background and it maybe something to reflect on - he is shocked for good reason. Sadly you cannot change them you can only decide to step back from the dynamics.

@foxhat it’s nice to know others have been through and are going through similar situations. The weirdest thing was, last week I explained to my mum that I will have tables set at the party, and if they don’t want to sit near my brother and they want to be near my sister they can. There will be a lot of people there, and they don’t have to stay the whole time they can just show their face and leave. This then was an accepted, and then I receive a phone call saying “we discussed last night that if you sister isn’t invited or going, we’re not going”. I feel as if they’ve conjured this plan, and it’s all now just been released into the open. I can’t even begin to understand how I feel about that sentence. It’s like saying “put your happiness aside and just invite everyone and walk on eggshells on your entire party and wedding ok?”. I’m going to take a step back now, just haven’t got anymore space in my brain to engage in pointless communication which gets me nowhere. And your correct about my partner.

Sounds like your mum was Ok with your suggestion but somebody at home changed her mind. Where's your Dad in all this?

I had parents that always seemed not to like me much. It all came to a head at my grandmother's funeral. They did something unforgivable and I suddenly realised that their behaviour was none of my fault but theirs. I decided to go no contact which was a huge and difficult decision to make, but it was literally like a load had been lifted from my shoulders.
Wishing you all the best. I'm sure your brother appreciates the fact that he does have some support in the family that should in fact love him.

It's hard to know exactly what your family are like, but they do sound incredibly volatile. Are they likely to have a massive "to-do" at your arty or wedding?

I think I'd use this as an excuse to have a nice small wedding and not have them there. Perhaps do something abroad.

and what foxhat said.

@dogmandu it was weird as because after the whole phone call with my mum, I called my dad as he asked me too about something else, and I spoke to him about the situation. And he said that they just can’t let it go and he hasn’t said anything. So I’m even more confused. If I’m honest I think my sister has manipulated my mum. It’s just always about them, and what they want which I can’t understand. Thanks for your kind words

My family's like this, it's shit and even worse I didn't even realise till I was older.
Call their bluff.
Don't talk about the wedding plans to them. Send them an invite when it gets to that point and see what happens.
They are trying to manipulate and control you and it needs to stop right now. If you get sucked in, it's likely to make you very ill from all the stress further down the line.

Remember it's your wedding not your sisters or parents. You decide who is invited not them

@fruitbrewhaha hey, erm well to put it bluntly they would be likely to have a “to-do” even a exchange of poor facial expressions and whispering.

I am getting married abroad - I guess I have to get used to the fact they won’t be there but all my parents family will

@CrotchetyQuaver thank you 💜 all the messages of support mean a lot. I felt so alone this morning and knowing I’m not the only one who had a toxic family and has been involved in situations makes me feel a bit at ease. I will do, it’s just awkward where we go from here. I’m going to stay away and enjoy my time with my partner and friends as things are slowly being able to get back to normal here with covid etc.

Oh OP I'm sorry your trying to please everyone. I would send one final text and say you love them and are inviting to the wedding like everyone is and if they don't come you'll be disappointed then leave it as that.

Your sister sounds toxic and tbh I'd be thinking of cutting her off completely.

I would make it absolutely clear that they are invited, but if they choose not to come, and instead prioritise a 3 year old feud that has nothing to do with you, over coming to your wedding, that is their choice.

Be strong in the knowledge that you are not making a choice to exclude anyone, if they choose to exclude themselves, that is their prerogative.

I'm sorry you are going through this - but you can't not invite your brother on the basis of emotional blackmail.

My brother cut contact with our sister a month before my wedding. (Great timing bro) In the early years he a few times tried to make a point.. you can invite me if you invite her.. you are taking her side. I told him firmly I was taking MY side and whilst he had the right to chose who he associates with he doesnt have the right to chose who I associate with. He showed up for wedding and other events. I accepted he didnt want to be near her so did no bride and sibling pictures and seated them apart.

8 years ago he split up with his girlfriend and 7 years ago our mother died. My sister made contact to tell him. They have made up. We still don't truly know what caused the 28 year rift i suspect it was his x and some issues round our childhood coming to forth.

I would go the same line. This is not about you sister its about me and my life and I will invite those u care about. I hope you can make it i woild love you there but I am not entering any debate about my guest list.

If she responds with abuse walk away "I will listen to you when you can talk without using abusive language" if she texts either ignore or respond "I don't wish to be spoken to like this you can contact me when you can speak with grown up words."

I think OP the only way you can deal with this is by getting tough, call their bluff and tell them that this is YOUR wedding and you will invite who like! They can come or not come, the choice is theirs but if they do decide to come they will need to behave or will be asked to leave, if they feel cannot attend and behave with grace, then stay away.

TBH, I think if you stand up to them now you will save yourself years of future heartbreak, they will either sort themselves out or 'punish' you by not coming, if they do that then you can can them out of your future without guilt.

@PrelovedWithValue I’ve tried to make that clear what you’ve said, but all I got back was “if she’s not invited, we’re not going”. It just fills me with dread knowing everything a daughter should look forward to do with their mum, they can’t. Wedding dress shopping, planning, lunches with my mum and his mum. I’m just wishing for a dream I think