Toxic family relationships

[Ted13]

I went to bed with a headache after yesterday’s ongoings and have woke up with a headache -
I feel completely and utterly drained beyond belief.

I’ll explain more:

I recently got engaged, most amazing thing ever. Honestly I couldn’t be happier - was over the moon to tell my brother and sister and call my parents and share my joy. You know, as any person would be. Anyway, 3 days after I announced my engagement my sister called, she asked me that I shouldn’t invite my brother and his fiancé to the engagement party and wedding as she doesn’t get on with them (they had a row 3 years ago), and I am being disloyal to her and my parents (she has manipulated them for years it’s horrible to see).

Anyway, I said to my mum that I am going invite everyone, and if someone isn’t happy then they don’t have to sit near them etc, I just want happiness. I don’t want to make choices and hurt anyone by not inviting them, this is a wedding not a bloody trip to tesco! So time moved on, everyone seemed happy I booked the engagement party venue and I’ve been so happy - finally everyone can put their argument aside. Until yesterday, my sister messaged me with a number of insults implying that I have no loyalty to her and I’m breaking family trust and sisterly trust by going against her.

I’m at breaking point if I’m honest with you - I’ve ended up blocking her as she can’t help herself but throw insults around. I can’t be walking on eggshells thinking “is she going to kick off?” I’m not getting married for another 18 months or so! I am just at such a loose end.

I then rang my mum, and just said how disappointed I was in the matter and how I invited her but she can’t help herself and I can’t be having her making my special day about her and her drama and long drawn out unnecessary arguments.

This is where I am just in shock ... my mum said “if you don’t invite your sister, then me and your dad are not going”.

Why should I put my mental health and well-being at the back of my own priorities and putting my sister first who has caused so much hurt?

This is a situation I didn’t want to be in - not even engaged one month and I have been happy 3 days.

My partner is absolutely shocked by their behaviour, he’s seen me crying in the bath, and just totally feel like I have no choice but to let everyone be happy and myself be miserable.

What do I do? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just let everyone come? I’m just at breaking point. 😔

OK. So one last message to mum, dad and sister. Be blunt. They aren't thinking of you and you now know that they wont, because they prefer a feud.

You are all invited. I am not uninviting anyone. If you don't want to come you MY wedding because of something that has nothing to do with me just let me know. I want to enjoy my wedding, my life, you have absolutely no right to ruin this for me. Think about it and let me know what is more important to you, me or some petty disgareement you have had!

And then let them froth, shout, whatever. At some point you will have to accept your position in their life. And if somewhere lower than a snake's belly* is it then let them go now. Don't let them tuin your wedding. Build your best life.

*This is the position I hold. It gets easier nice you can just shrug and accept you have no control over their batshit behaviour.

I think your mum and dad have let you down, that would really upset me
Accept it rather than try and negotiate with them which is what they expect you to do It will save you years of heartache
They are making this about them.
Many congratulations on your engagement, enjoy it with friends, your fiancé and his family

@SimplyMarvellousDarrrrrrling I just feel like it’s been turned around on me - I’ve tried to reach out to my parents today with no joy. I don’t know why I feel guilty for something which I have done for the safety of my mental health. It’s just very typical - I don’t know why I expected a bit more.

Thank you x

@CuriousaboutSamphire totally agree - I’ve tired for reach out today but it’s clearly too early. I would have loved to be able to be strong and not reach out, but here we are. I would just rather them be honest and say they don’t want to go and not leave it as a excuse because of a argument and decision they’ve all made together for the sake of a ridiculous family argument which has nothing to do with me.

@Ted13, it's not your guilt to carry, they should be ashamed for ruining your good news
They are adults, they make their decisions and you make yours
Do not be sucked in to their power struggle, or reach out to them anymore
It's a waste of energy, believe me, it doesn't mean you love them any less, you are not a child anymore being told what to do

I see that upthread your mother said "If she's not invited or going, then we're not going" So she's put you in an impossible position. Even if you bend over backwards for them, she might decide on the day to not turn up, and they won't either.
If it were me, I'd invite them all and leave it at that. If they don't go, you'll have no negativity on the day, just people who love you and are there for you. Your brother sounds great, and will be there for you.

@magicstar1 you’re exactly right, I just can’t win either way. I’m just lost for words by the point now

They are being awful to you. Well your sister and mum. Sounds like your dad just goes along with it for the quiet life rather than stepping up and helping you. You need this to be that they are invited and can be involved and that it is their choice. And not as they are trying to do, which is blame you, by saying blaming not attending on who else is invited.

I suspect what is happening is that your Mum has tried to stay neutral and your sister has kicked off big time so your Mum has caved for a quiet life with your sister.

Does your sister have children?

I would invite your parents, I would invite your Mum to go wedding dress shopping, invite your parents to meet his parents. Basically carry on being a calm reasonable kind daughter so they have zero grounds to throw it back in your face.

If they cut off their noses to spite their face it's up to them.

You can still invite your sister, ensure your brother & partner are aware and will act like mature adults. Have non family on standby to remove your sister if required. Let her show herself up.

I ask if she has children in case your Mum wants to stay on her side or risk not seeing her DGC

@Ted13

I also felt guilty about my parents apparent 'dislike ' of me and really hadn't realised how obvious it was until the funeral of my grandmother. After I realised it was them and decided to go no contact because I just couldn't deal with it, it was such a 'freeing' moment. I literally felt the weight removed from my shoulders. The burden which I had been subconsciously aware of , had gone and I was free of it all.
I hope you can get to this . You will probably never understand what is driving them forward.