Parenting a 10 year old with an anger problem

[Jujubean78]

Hi, any advice welcome. I have son, turning 11in May. Secondary school looming. He’s fine most of the time, when it’s all going his way. As soon as it isn’t the toddler tantrum comes out. Chucking stuff, shouting and general unpleasantness. He has learnt he can control a situation with volume and aggression. Advice on how to regain control and help him be a person who can control the temper? Thanks In advance 👍

How do the adults in the house respond when things aren't going right?

Have you tried copying him? So when he throws a tantrum you do it too. Mum did that to my brother once and it scared the shit out of him - enough that he started controlling his anger a lot better. This assumes you def know he doesn’t have a SEN or medical problem.

Is there any anxiety behind it? My 12yr old lashes out and breaks things. It's taken me a while to realise it's not anger, it's anxiety.

Hi there, just muddlingalong. My husband and I sadly have different reactions. I have little tolerance for it and probably make things worse( I’ve had enough) and my husband always tries to reason with him and work it out peacefully. Can’t seem to get it right. 😭

Hi GrumpyHoonMain, Lol I haven’t tried that! I think he would wonder what the hell was going on!

He has learnt he can control a situation with volume and aggression.

I don't understand what this means? You effectively reward the bad behaviour/tantrums by doing what he wants? Why does volume and aggression succeed? Or do you mean he has 'learned' this elsewhere?

Hi Megletthesecond, He has always been an angry kid, even as a baby. Proper tantrums. I don’t know if he is anxious he seems pretty chilled the rest of the time but he isn’t one to share or communicate his feelings very well.

I had one of these.

XH responded by getting angry and loud in return. Either that, or laughing at DS.

Believe me, those are the worst possible way to deal with it.

That said, reasoning won't work on someone who's angry, as the angry person can't even really hear what you're saying, never mind process it.

I found that the 'grey rock' technique worked better than anything else. Well, that, and leaving XH.

If you walk away, don’t engage and leave him on his own he’ll have nothing to control. Raising the temperature gives him a reason to escalate further.
Leave room, shut door. stay away until he’s calmed. Then tell him to sort the mess out before supper.
It’s not ‘anger issues’ it’s stroppy, bad behaviour.

Hi Rattlemehearties, He is only like this with us at home. He is fine at school which I guess means it’s us. Not for lack of trying. We stick to punishments but the lesson doesn’t seem to sink in?

It's hard OP.

I've the same problem tho my DS is 9. He's the youngest of 3.

He's always been a grumpy so-&-so. But puberty is hitting early (more so than his 11 yo brother) & it can be really hard. When things don't go his way, he literally loses it & cannot be talked to. Roars, bangs, lashes out.

I think the poster who asked about how people in the household behave generally is on to something. I beer from calm & reasonable (once he's in a strop he doesn't listen anyway) to losing it (clearly not helping either).

I'm a single parent, limited support from ex & a busy job. If I'm not under pressure, I can see the warning signs & can head it off with distraction, humour, but often real-life isn't like that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's not like that at school or outside the house, so that's something. Doesn't help home life tho.

Hi Nextdoorknobber, what’s ‘grey rock’ ?

@rattlemehearties

He has learnt he can control a situation with volume and aggression.

I don't understand what this means? You effectively reward the bad behaviour/tantrums by doing what he wants? Why does volume and aggression succeed? Or do you mean he has 'learned' this elsewhere?

I get this.

It isn't (I imagine) that he gets what he wants. It's that the sheer volume & aggressive nature of his behaviour dominates the house. It's very very hard to deal with.

I absolutely don't give in. I do impose consequences. But that doesn't make it less exhausting.

Also ultimately it's due to him not being able to manage his emotions. So the solution needs to be focused around that.

Hi lemonroses, thank you, it really does feel like bad stroppy behaviour. Walking away and ignoring it is just hard when you can hear the destruction going on behind you. It’s not fair on the rest of the household.

@Jujubean78

Hi Rattlemehearties, He is only like this with us at home. He is fine at school which I guess means it’s us. Not for lack of trying. We stick to punishments but the lesson doesn’t seem to sink in?

Exactly the same for me. I think you are doing the right thing. In time, it will work, I hope?

I have many many conversations with my son, when he's calm. He gets it, he is remorseful & seems to take in what I'm saying - until the red mist descends again.

The thing is , he can control it if he doesn't do it at school. Can you ask him about it when he's calm? This behaviour is not acceptable, otherwise he'll be someone's partner one day , scaring them.

@Jujubean78

Hi lemonroses, thank you, it really does feel like bad stroppy behaviour. Walking away and ignoring it is just hard when you can hear the destruction going on behind you. It’s not fair on the rest of the household.

I'm not sure it's a solution either. A lot of the time I think the behaviour is a (very bad) way of communicating some need.

The advice now is not time-out for children but time-in. Ok mainly for younger kids but it works for older.

In other words you don't engage or respond but you stay around, and prevent damage / destruction.

I do find this works. I am not always in a position to do it tho.

I would not leave my DS to his own devices when he's like this.

This behaviour is not acceptable, otherwise he'll be someone's partner one day , scaring them.

This is also my concern.

I think OP can only keep having The conversations, about the behaviour, when he's calm, consistently give consequences as well as recognising positive behaviour.

That's what I'm doing & hoping it'll work.

I mean, this is also my concern for my DS not OP's!

Hi EarringsandLipstick, thank you for your reply. I know he’ll grow out of it, and I agree puberty plays a part. I just need to get through to him that he can’t behave like that anymore. He’s too big and strong.

EarringsandLipstick, absolutely 😐

@Jujubean78

Others may be able to explain it better than I can! My own understanding of it is imperfect, but it is used on MN a lot as a sort of 'shorthand' for behaviours which can have results if you're in an abusive relationship (which doesn't have to mean your OH: could also be with another family member).

My understanding of it - which is how I meant it in this context - is that you don't walk away completely. You remain present, but give only minimal responses. If I'd left my DS on his own, there would have been a serious risk of him causing significant and expensive damage. So I had to be physically present, whilst not doing anything at all to increase the emotional temperature. Sometimes not responding at all can actually make things worse, as the angry person is so desperate for some kind of reaction/understanding that they become even angrier if they are met with silence.

It is true that this was easier for me than it would have been for XH, as I don't really get angry. I'm not sure how someone more volatile would do it. I used to repeat things like: "When you are calm again, we can talk about [whatever he was angry about - though sometimes there was no obvious trigger]". I used to make a big effort to lower my voice - I used to think of it as being a bit like dimming the lights very low, rather than sticking a 100 watt bulb in or turning the lights out altogether.

This probably makes no sense at all. As I say, someone might be able to explain more effectively!

Sorry - also meant to say you can discuss his behaviour once he has calmed down, but there's absolutely no point in trying to achieve anything at all with an angry child.

I also used to do things like unload the dishwasher, get school stuff ready - just quiet domestic things while DS was having a meltdown. So I was physically present and wasn't going to frighten or punish him by leaving the room (because children can't help having these meltdowns, and I don't think punishment is the way to deal with them).

BTW, this same DS is now 19 and has - with a lot of work from his teachers and me and, above all, himself - almost completely got a handle on how to manage his naturally volatile tendencies. We've talked a lot about relationships and particularly about the reasons why I left his father (the main problem being uncontrollable anger...)

NextdoorKnobber. I am going to do this. Thank you- great advice 😊

@NextDoorKnobber

You remain present, but give only minimal responses. If I'd left my DS on his own, there would have been a serious risk of him causing significant and expensive damage. So I had to be physically present, whilst not doing anything at all to increase the emotional temperature. Sometimes not responding at all can actually make things worse, as the angry person is so desperate for some kind of reaction/understanding that they become even angrier if they are met with silence.

I think you've put that very well. It's what I'm trying to do with my DS. It does seem to work, but I don't always have the time / ability (eg about to go on a Teams meeting).

The bit about silence causing more of a reaction is so true!

It's good to get a perspective from someone else. Thank you.