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Parenting a 10 year old with an anger problem

50 replies

Jujubean78 · 23/03/2021 20:59

Hi, any advice welcome. I have son, turning 11in May. Secondary school looming. He’s fine most of the time, when it’s all going his way. As soon as it isn’t the toddler tantrum comes out. Chucking stuff, shouting and general unpleasantness. He has learnt he can control a situation with volume and aggression. Advice on how to regain control and help him be a person who can control the temper? Thanks In advance 👍

OP posts:
NextDoorKnobber · 24/03/2021 12:51

Oh goodness, thank you both - I very rarely say anything useful on here, so I hope some of this works for you!

penguincross · 24/03/2021 14:13

Some children (no idea about here) can mask effectively at school but it can all fall apart when they get home to a safe space. Some children are very anxious but it's not obvious what they are carrying/keeping in all day until they get home.

Billandben444 · 24/03/2021 14:43

My yr 8 grandson is similar and his loss of control is upsetting - it only happens at home and when it's really bad he bangs his head on the wall or hits himself unless restrained. His loss of temper centres on anxiety, frustration, lack of self-confidence and a high level of worrying. He gets professional help but it's sporadic at best and the school is aware and is brilliant. When the temper is over he is a small and pathetic boy who knows he's mucked up and sobs uncontrollably. I wish I could find a solution as it breaks my heart to see how upset he gets. My only criticism (and there's no answer to this) is that at school his friendship group consists of children (mainly girls) all of whom seem to have issues and appear to feed off each other. OP, please don't presume your child's temper tantrums are just bad behaviour or attention seeking. Good luck 💐

Interested in this thread?

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TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 24/03/2021 15:52

We found meditation helped. Basic techniques eg breathing; centring in the moment through '5 things I can touch; 5 things I can see'. We practised when he was calm and then when he was mildly irritated so gradually building up his ability to use the techniques to calm himself. It's often recommended on here but it's worth reading - Get Out of My Life but First Take Me & Alex Into Town. Sometimes the tantrum is the way of avoiding and delaying but maintaining contact. Recognising that can help you to stay calm and move them through it. I found the book gave me a different perspective on what was happening.

MiscUser9823 · 24/03/2021 16:17

He should be punished each time he talks back. Take away a game (permanently), take away his TV time, take away soda for a week, etc...and put him in his place. He should be worried about doing something to make you annoyed.

Triffid1 · 24/03/2021 16:27

I do think it's difficult because you need tot ry and understand why he does it ie does he genuinely just get overwhelmed and be unable to control himself or does he get a bit frustrated and know that if he just lets rip you'll all run around giving him attention and/or giving in to whatever he wants? And getting the answer to that is challenging.

But Dh and I nearly split up because he couldn't control his temper and eventually I had to give him an ultimatum - deal with it or I'm leaving (this was before we got married). And he did. He had a lot of therapy and worked really hard. But one of the things I still find very difficult is the stories his family will tell about his temper as a child. The stories are told with a laugh and an indulgent eye roll - like the stories other families tell about the time a child did something hilarious or especially precocious or whatever. I have pointed out that perhaps if they'd helped him deal with his temper as a child, perhaps he wouldn't have struggled as an adult.....

They don't tell those stories around me anymore. Grin

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 24/03/2021 16:39

Have you looked into non-violent resistance (NVR)? I’ve found it really helpful. There is a specific process from it you can follow, but also some general good ideas you can draw from without needing to do the whole process. It’s a mix of properly reconnecting with your child but also getting that relationship right and having really firm boundaries, which is what I liked about it - I definitely share the horror of ‘you cannot grow up into a man who behaves like this’, and at the same time I think the underlying causes are anxieties and negative self-beliefs so it doesn’t sit well with me to address it through force.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/03/2021 18:24

Just caught up with this thread again, not meaning to hijack OP's thread but thanks to the latest posters, some really good points & recommendations for reading. 🙏🏻

Nell that sounds really interesting (NVR) & I think you make a great point. I realise when I am able to connect with my angry 9yo, it's like he's a different child. Today was an example - he'd a medical appt so was with me on his own & it was lovely. Unfortunately so often I am stressed, rushing between work / other kids & it all accumulates. His father is zero help, in fact makes things worse, so I can feel very isolated.

OP thanks for starting the thread. So useful. 👏

NextDoorKnobber · 24/03/2021 18:55

@penguincross

Some children (no idea about here) can mask effectively at school but it can all fall apart when they get home to a safe space. Some children are very anxious but it's not obvious what they are carrying/keeping in all day until they get home.
Completely agree with this.
NextDoorKnobber · 24/03/2021 19:09

@MiscUser9823

He should be punished each time he talks back. Take away a game (permanently), take away his TV time, take away soda for a week, etc...and put him in his place. He should be worried about doing something to make you annoyed.
I think this is really bad advice in this context, I'm afraid. I'm all in favour of consequences for 'naughty' behaviour (and implemented them regularly when my DC were younger - still do now, to some extent).

However, children who are prone to really big meltdowns aren't being 'naughty'. I used to think my DS was like a pressure cooker: things would gradually gather steam; he couldn't deal with them; then there would be an almighty explosion. Why would you punish a child for not yet having learnt the tools to cope with their feelings? Why wouldn't you instead try to help the child to find better ways to express perfectly legitimate feelings of anger/frustration/etc? These children are going to become adults who have their own relationships and children. They need to learn to control themselves - because if their childhoods have been governed by being punished feelings they can't express, with the additional problem of being scared of annoying their parents, they will grow up to become crap partners and parents themselves. Our job is to help them to become decent, functional adults.

Children like this often express remorse after the event. Or, like my DS, they may well act as if nothing happened. I used to feel completely wrung out after one of his meldtowns - but as soon as he'd blown a fuse, he had got it all out of his system for the time being.

Not punishing a tantrum is not the same as saying it's ok to shout and throw things and smash things up. What you do at the time is make sure that the child is physically safe - and that everyone else is, too - and then be completely calm and consistent in your own reactions. I will talk to you when you have calmed down. Yes, you can go back to playing with your friends when you have stopped shouting. You can have X back when you have stopped throwing things.

BTW, managing monster tantrums was one thing I got right. There are a billion things I have got wrong. Grin

Roselilly36 · 24/03/2021 19:20

My DS is a bit like this, he’s 18 now and still gets angry very quickly, always been the same, he was a very unsettled baby too. He is also very loyal, loving & sensitive, but very quick to temper. No idea what the answer is, it’s just the way he is. My other DS is as laidback as they come.

Saltyslug · 24/03/2021 19:28

Disengage and leave the room. Go out for a walk or have a cup of tea in the garden. Give him space to calm. Let him be. Talk when he is ready, acknowledge his feelings and empathise to a certain extent with his frustrations and ask him for solutions so he feels he has some control. These need to fit your household however

What upsets him?

Saltyslug · 24/03/2021 19:30

Also ask him what he can do next time he feels angry. Agree some steps. A walk or breathing exercise or climb a tree in the garden

Saltyslug · 24/03/2021 19:31

He needs support with emotional literacy so talking about your own feelings is good

Jujubean78 · 24/03/2021 19:46

Thank you everyone for your insights and advice- some really useful stuff. 🥰

OP posts:
minipie · 24/03/2021 20:24

Watching. My DD age 8 is like this and always has been.

I agree with grey rock and lowering my voice. Not reacting. Being a model of calm. I have recently started this and it definitely helps.

Whereas telling her how awfully she’s behaving and laying on punishments just stokes the fires and pushes her further out of control. (I know this, as I’ve been trying that route for years Sad).

I now realise that in the moment, she cannot control herself and so the threat of a consequence is not going to work. Even if she is desperate to avoid the consequence, she can’t stop.

Of course she does need to be stopped from damaging stuff/hurting others. Our kitchen door gets slammed a lot and the sofa cushions get hurled on the floor. But that’s better than other options so I let her. Not sure if this is right or not.

The other thing I do is when I see the warning signs - eg she is a bit hyper at school pick up, or a bit shouty - I am extra gentle with her. Extra cuddles, lower voice etc. Distract with random facts (she loves facts). It seems to help her let go of the tension inside her. Usually she then flops and it’s clear she’s exhausted.

I’ve been trying to teach DD to use slow breathing (puffer fish breathing on Youtube) but she can’t seem to do it in the moment. Will try the 5 things technique described above, that may work better for her.

Very helpful thread thank you.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/03/2021 06:42

@NextDoorKnobber

Your posts have been so helpful - I just wanted to say thanks again 😊

I give a lot of consequences -I think they have their place but can also be ineffective when he's in a very ragey place. Talking about it with him when calm doesn't work either.

Observing him & spotting warning signs definitively makes a difference.

weekwhat · 25/03/2021 08:40

Yes this is such a helpful thread. My dd is 17 and it has been hard. It’s a little better I think but we’re still holding our breath. She’s been prone to being incredibly explosive for so long I’ve forgotten when it started. She also holds it in at skl. I looked at nvr and found lots of the ideas really helpful especially the relationship building ‘gestures of reconciliation’ but didn’t feel it really helped me know what to do at the time or after (she will rarely acknowledge what happened or apologise for example). Next door, I know everyone’s different but with your calm & consistent approach did your ds just ‘grow out of it’ and manage better gradually? It has had a huge impact on our family including my other child who really resent dd at times.

penguincross · 25/03/2021 09:54

That sounds tough weekwhat. I'm not an expert by any means, but some people find decompression time after school or a bit of time to recover from "having" to do things which may be stressful helps keep the anxiety levels down.

whitespotsgreenleaves · 25/03/2021 10:03

Totally agree @NextDoorKnobber. We are using the 5 point emotion scale with our son too, so he can recognise his feelings when he is calm and as he is getting angry. Also finger breathing. Its hard as he does not like to talk abotu things when he is calm - he is embarrassed by his behaviour. But I feel we are making very slow progress.
Someone said he will grow out of it, but I wouldnt' assume that. I feel my son needs help now or he will grow up to be like this and that will be really bad for him and those around him.

And staying calm when he is like this is vitally important. If I don't it escalates him, but he also has to see that it is possible to stay calm in high stress situations and I have to model that.

NextDoorKnobber · 25/03/2021 16:55

It's one thing giving useful ideas, but never easy to put them into practice. And all children are different, so what works with one would never work with another. All I can say is what worked (up to a point) with my angry one.

@weekwhat, I'm sorry you're going through it too. My DS still has it in him to explode: he has been stuck at home for the past year, give or take, rather than being at university. So I have still seen signs of it (in fact, he started veering off down the 'angry' route last week. He was actually in the wrong about something, but I resisted the urge to remind him of this and changed the subject to something completely banal. He simmered back down. I did then bring up the original subject later, when he was in a different frame of mind).

To some extent, he has grown out of it. He's done a lot of reading (he reads incessantly), including loads about personality/psychology, which he says have helped him to identify unhelpful patterns in his own behaviour. However, he has also been fortunate in that his school has been really, really helpful. He has normally held it all together at school, but school has taken it seriously when I've explained the situation at home and have asked for help.

A PP has also mentioned trying to predict what might cause an explosion, and warding it off before it gets to that stage. I used to do that, too, but it's bloody exhausting.

The other thing which makes a difference is that being hungry has made his angry tendencies very, very much worse. That was clear when he was a tiny toddler. Even now, he is thunderous when he's hungry - but he does recognise that this is a trigger, and his cue to eat something!

ihearttc · 25/03/2021 17:19

I have one like this as well, he is also 10. I tend to walk away now (he is very like me so it’s not a great combination together).

The one thing that helped was losing something he loved due to his outbursts. He usually holds it in at football but exploded one night at training and missed 3 matches. He has managed to control himself much more now.

Unsuremover · 25/03/2021 18:01

Well timed thread, I’m having the same issue. Problem ok having is people saying that by heading it off the pass (which I can do now) is pandering to him and I’m being bullied by a 10 year old. But I do feel that since lockdown when it’s been just me looking after him when things at school or elsewhere might have set him off it’s not been anything like as bad. If only I looked after him.

I’m not sure I would have believed it if it wasn’t for the last year when I’ve seen the difference.

penguincross · 25/03/2021 20:02

My experience (and it's only mine!) is that some or most so called "bad" behaviour is rooted in anxiety or feeling overwhelmed/out of control. This in itself may come from something underlying which just hasn't been picked up on or diagnosed if the child manages well at school, or seems to. It'll come out somewhere.

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